Previously:

It appeared that Carson was about to say something, but she cut him off. "John?" she asked, her voice filled with worry.

Carson shook his head and Teyla felt tears began to well up in her eyes. She stopped breathing as panic overtook her.

Dr. Beckett gave her a sympathetic look as he placed one hand on her shoulder lightly. "I'm sorry love…"

Chapter 7

"He isn't here."

Teyla's head began to swim. "John is alive?" She choked out, hoping against all odds that he was.

"Oh god love, I'm sorry," Carson said, realizing that she'd misinterpreted his words. "Yes, I released him two days ago."

When Teyla exhaled the breath she had been holding, a sob escaped as well. She could feel herself sink back against the infirmary bed as relief flowed through her. She had to close her eyes and take a few deep and shaky breaths to calm herself.

It took longer than she would have liked, but eventually she regained some composure. She opened her eyes to look at Carson again. "Ronon and Dr. McKay?"

Carson's face fell and Teyla saw tears well up in his eyes. Suddenly she remembered.

"Get down!" Ronon shouted loudly.

The next thing Teyla knew she was being thrown to the ground bodily by John. He lay mostly on top of her as gunfire rang out over their heads and in the surrounding trees.

Teyla felt adrenaline automatically begin to fuel her body and her heart was beating so fast that she could feel it pounding against her ribs. "We must get to the Gate."

John nodded against her shoulder and moved to pull a grenade from one of the pockets on his vest. He looked behind them, preparing to throw it. Teyla looked too. What she saw made her blood run cold. John's entire body tensed along with her own.

Ronon was slouched against a tree, his head lolling at an awkward angle and gun balanced precariously in his slack hand. Blood covered his entire front, having completely soaked his shirt. It took only one look at his dull eyes to know that he was dead.

Everything seemed to slow as realization hit. Tears rolled unhindered down her cheeks. Then somewhere in the fog of shock she thought to look for…

"McKay!" John called out, looking frantically around the area behind them. They both spotted his body almost immediately.

Teyla found herself unconsciously clutching at John as she took in the sight of Rodney's body, horribly mutilated by bullet wounds. She had to fight the burning and nearly overpowering urge to be sick.

She forced her eyes away from the horrid scene and tried to concentrate—she needed to concentrate.

It took her too long to realize that the gunfire had stopped. She scanned the trees frantically, looking for whoever had done this. There were men coming towards them, weaving their way through trees. They were close.

"Kolya," John spat out as he recognized the leader of the group. Without a moment's hesitation he removed the pin from the grenade and threw it as hard as he could in an arc towards the Genii.

The next thing Teyla knew John was lying fully on top of her again, shielding her as the grenade went off. The sound of the explosion rang in her ears and she could feel the heat from the blast.

John pulled her up and began sprinting toward the Gate, dragging her along behind him. Unrestrained rage and full out determination fueled his movements. It didn't matter—they barely made it more than ten steps before they were under gunfire from both sides.

Teyla squeezed her eyes tightly shut as the nauseating memories washed over her.

The Genii had pursued them relentlessly the entire way to the Gate. The exact details were fuzzy, but she remembered enough. It had taken them a long time to get to the clearing given how close they'd been, but they had been forced to stop and take cover more than once.

In that time her and John had both been hit several times. The memory of the excruciating pain descended upon her and she knew she must have been near death.

"Teyla…" Carson's voice was soft but hesitant as he interrupted her thoughts.

Her eyes flew open upon hearing her name. "I remember," she whispered, the words barely escaping her lips. It was then she noticed that her face was damp, and tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry." Carson wiped away a tear of his own. "I wasn't there, but I can only imagine..."

Teyla shook her head, silently begging him to stop. The images of both Ronon and Rodney's bodies were engrained in her mind with grotesque accuracy—she needn't be reminded more.

"Where is John?" Teyla asked, her voice tinted with panic. "He should be here." She knew John and if she was injured and in the infirmary, the only place he would be was right beside her.

Dr. Beckett sighed. "Aye, he was until this morning."

Teyla gulped, fearful of what may have caused him to leave. "What happened?" Her fingers rose unconsciously to twine themselves in the chain that held his dog tag.

Carson sat down in the empty chair beside the bed before beginning his explanation. "We almost lost you, love," he said quietly. "When John brought you through the Gate you were unconscious and you'd lost too much blood."

For the first time since waking up, Teyla noticed that she had an IV in her arm. Her heart beat faster as Carson's words sank in and she realized that she had almost died. Her chest tightened at the thought of no longer being alive.

"John was injured as well, but for the most part the bullets hit his vest. He was badly bruised and extremely sore, but it wasn't critical."

She let out a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding.

"After I released him he wouldn't leave your side, not even to sleep or eat. I've never seen him so worried in the entire time I've known him."

"Then why is he not here now?" Teyla tried to keep her voice calm, and for the most part she succeeded.

Dr. Beckett waited a moment before replying. "I don't know how to say this…"

"Just tell me." Her voice was sharp and demanding—she needed to know. She was beginning to panic again—she could think of no logical reason for John's absence.

"This morning I told him you would be fine, that you would most likely wake up some time today or tomorrow." Carson paused. "Then he left."

"What?" She could not believe what she was hearing.

"The last I heard he'd handed in his resignation and he's getting ready to head back to Earth. He'll be leaving in a few hours."

Teyla's head began to spin. "No," she said, completely blindsided by the information.

She wanted to believe that it wasn't true, that somehow Carson had misinterpreted something, but really thinking about it she knew that wasn't the case. Teyla's heart filled with despair as she realized that John was undoubtedly blaming himself for the deaths of both Ronon and Dr. McKay.

He had always shouldered too much responsibility, but even more so since the war against the wraith had turned so grave. Each loss that the expedition experienced affected him personally, regardless of whether or not he had even known the person. He had never said anything, but she could see it in his eyes—he faulted himself for anything that ever went wrong. This time she knew that the guilt mixed together with the immense pain would be too much to handle alone—every man had his limits, even John Sheppard.

Teyla's heart clenched as reality fully sunk in—she was losing him. John was leaving Atlantis. He was trying to protect himself from the hurt, from the pain. It would not work; she knew as much and he did too, even if he could not recognize it at the moment.

Purpose giving her strength, Teyla pushed herself upright in the bed before ripping the IV out of her arm. Carson stared at her, thoroughly shocked, and she was up and out of the bed before he managed to get a word out.

"Teyla… where do you think you're going?"

"To see John," she said firmly as she pushed past him in order to grab her clothes from the end of the bed.

"Love, you need to…"

"No." Teyla's voice was firm as she stepped over to the next cubicle and drew the curtain closed between her and Carson. Within seconds she was fully dressed, and the stinging in her arm where the IV had been was hardly noticeable.

She pulled open the curtain and reached for her boots on the floor. Carson moved around to her side of the bed as she began to quickly lace them up.

"You've been unconscious for nearly four days." Dr. Beckett hovered beside her. He gave her an odd look, one that was a mixture of disappointment and surprise. "You shouldn't even be able to get out of bed!"

Teyla turned to look at him squarely. "I believe that is due to the knowledge that I am about to lose the man I love." She barely registered the look on his face before she moved to shove past him. "Excuse me." She was out the door before he could even react.


Everything that happened between the infirmary and John's quarters was a blur. She was so focused on getting there that she didn't notice the odd looks she was getting from everyone she passed. All she knew was that she needed to see John, needed to make him understand that this was not his fault, that leaving would not help. She needed to tell him that she loved him and that she needed him to stay. Perhaps it was selfish, but it was also the truth.

By the time Teyla did reach John's quarters, she was out of breath and feeling light headed, but she didn't stop. Without hesitation she swiped her hand over the sensor outside the door and entered the room.

She halted once she was inside. The bareness of the room assaulted her. It was empty save for the duffel bags by the bed. All the walls were bare, there were no books lying on tables, not even a sheet on the bed. Her stomach began to churn. John was leaving unless she did something.

A muffled sound from the far side of the room caused her to turn her head quickly, just in time to see John emerge from the bathroom with his towel and toothbrush in hand.

As soon as he saw her, he stopped. Teyla could not help but think that it looked like he had walked into a force field of some kind—one second he was heading to the bed to put the last of his items in is bag, and the next he was standing stock still.

Teyla's heart broke as she saw a myriad of emotions play over John's face: shock, relief, hurt, anger, pain and guilt. The last marred his face, making him barely recognizable. She felt the tears brimming in her eyes.

"Teyla." John's voice was so quiet and choked with emotion that she could barely hear him. "You're okay." Relief washed over his features for a moment before the other emotions overpowered it. "I… I thought you would still be in the infirmary."

Teyla felt a wave of dizziness wash over her, causing her to place one hand against the wall for support. "I should be," she stated once the feeling passed.

John undoubtedly noticed, and in less than a second he had dropped the items in his hands and crossed from the far side of the room to hover in front of her. Teyla could not help but notice that despite their closeness John was keeping his distance—he was not touching her at all. It was as if he was afraid.

"Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

Teyla looked him straight in the eye. "No, I am not." She felt the tears threatening to spill from her eyes, but she held them back. Breaking down right now would not help either of them. "You are leaving." A slight accusatory tone had crept into her voice, but she couldn't help it.

John took a step back, like her words had had a physical effect on him. "I have to."

Teyla shook her head and took one step toward John. "You do not."

He too shook his head. "Yes," he stated firmly. "I have to." He took a deep and shaky breath as he backed up another step. "I can't do this anymore, Teyla."

The pain in her chest doubled and she reached out to touch his arm in comfort, but he backed away before she could. "John…" A tear had slipped down her cheek and she knew she could no longer hold them in. She had just lost two of her best friends and John was about to leave, cutting her out of his life for good.

"Please do not go."

When he turned his back to her more tears fell free. "John." His name came out somewhere halfway to a sob. "Please. I need you." She took a deep breath, regaining what composure she could. "I love you."

The air between them seemed to still with the passing of the words from her lips. Neither of them moved or said anything for what seemed like an eternity.

Steeling herself, Teyla began to talk. "I need you to know that John, even if you do not feel the same way."

He instantly unfroze and turned around to look at her. She would have to be blind to have missed the glistening in his eyes caused by unshed tears. "I can't love you."

For a second Teyla forgot to breathe. She had known that her feelings might be unreciprocated, but she had not expected it to hurt this much. The next thing she knew John was talking again, and somewhere in the haze of shock she focused her attention on his words.

"Don't you get it?" His voice had risen to the point of yelling. "I can't love you. It hurts too damn much."

Teyla's mind nearly went into overload as relief, fear and realization all hit her at once.

"It could have been you!" He stared at her intently while he continued. "You're supposed to bring up the rear, you always do. But I…I made you go second because of what Carson told me. He said that you were bringing up the rear when Rodney shot you."

"John…"

"So I was being overprotective and put Ronon there instead." He paused, only just long enough to inhale shakily. "I killed Ronon by putting him there."

Teyla shook her head forcefully. "No. You did not kill Ronon. The Genii are responsible for his death."

She wasn't even sure that John hear the words, as he continued talking without any recognition of them. "Ronon died, but all I can think about was what if it had been you."

Teyla's heart shattered even more as tears began to trail down John's cheeks.

"I don't know what I would have done…" The naked emotions on his face were so strong that Teyla could barely breathe.

"So you are running away?" she asked, forcing herself to talk through the emotion that was threatening to overwhelm her.

"Teyla, I…"

She shook her head, interrupting him. "Do you think it will hurt less if you are on Earth and something happens to me, or to any of us? Do you truly believe that by placing a physical distance between us, it will lessen your feelings?"

Teyla swallowed, trying to rid herself of the tightness in her throat before continuing. "We both know that is not true."

John broke their gaze and looked down at the ground. His shoulders slouched and his entire body emanated defeat. "It just hurts so much." He entire body shook as he took a deep breath and lifted his head to look at her again. "And if it was you… I don't know how I could..."

He let the sentence hang unfinished between them, but he did not need to end it—she knew. If something were to happen to John, she did not know if she would be able to keep going, to continue to live.

She walked toward John and wrapped her arms around him securely. It was as if her touch caused something to break inside of him, because the next thing she knew John was holding her tightly against him and sobbing against her shoulder.

As grief and emotion poured from John, Teyla found herself letting go as well. Soon she was clutching John tightly and had her face buried against his chest while the tears streamed harder yet down her face. The shock was wearing off, allowing for everything to really sink in.

They remained like that, wrapped in each other's embrace, until there were no tears left to shed. They were completely spent, both physically and emotionally. Leaning against one another heavily, Teyla could not tell who was supporting who, or if instead they were supporting each other.

TBC