Dreaming

a/n: slight slashy content


I didn't look to see what was in the envelope. Not yet. I don't want to know what it is. It won't be straight forward, I know that much. Not if I've been given a month to complete. Not if the payment is so high. They know I'd never abandon him. And so I really don't want to know what I need to do yet.

I want to see what is in this apartment. No dead body in the tub it seems. No late night snacking then. I find alcohol. I find food of sorts and the wardrobes are stocked full with my clothing from home. I look at it and sigh. This is all very bad you know. Why do they constantly fuck with me like this? Why can't they just let me do what I'm here to do without the freaking side show?

I pace. I drink. I smoke. I look in the mirror and I think endlessly of Spencer. I need to walk. Before I look. I need to go out and get as close as I can before I know what I have to do. Before that taints everything. They are a thoughtful lot. They have not only left me my clothes, but when I get outside I discover they have left me my bike too. It would make me smile under different circumstances.

For about an hour I ride around aimlessly just thinking. Wondering what I'm going to have to do. I consider a couple of times that I should go back and find out, but I want some time not knowing. He obviously has given me a hint or two. There will be a church involved along the way somewhere. It's not a prospect that fills me with any sort of joy. I don't know how long I have been stopped up here. In a street across the road from the hospital. There is no buzzing in my head this time though, but I'm not going to risk getting any closer for now. I can do this. I can keep away. On one hand you know, a month is an eternity. On the other it's no time at all. I can resist this pull.

I wonder if I could try to contact him through my thoughts. Would that be considered breaking their precious rules? I will read what I have to do first and now it's raining. I can't stay here forever. With a sigh I start the bike up again and return to my new pad.

The envelope is still sitting there where I left it. It's a big one. A big brown envelope full of secrets. I get a drink and a smoke and sit on the couch and then just stare at it. As soon as I touch it I have accepted. Until then I could if I wanted to, call it off. Too late for that now. It's in my hands. Turning it over. Feeling the weight of it. There seems to be more than just a list of instructions in here. It's been sealed with Daja's mark in a blob of sealing wax. I slide my finger under it and crack it open. A deep breath as I tip the contents out onto the small table.

Photographs of a young blond bloke. Candid shots of him in various places. Outside a church. Outside somewhere called "The Mission House". One of him just walking down the street and a few of him in groups of other young men. I put them down and pick up a piece of A4 paper which is obviously my job sheet. I read it. I shout 'Fuck!' a few times and put it down. Then I pick it up again and swear into the night at Daja and the bastards who gave me this "job"

The photographs are of Amos Fletcher.

He is a priest of good standing.

Amos has become bothersome and we need him to be stopped.

He also has a weakness which you will use against him and thus stop this child from continuing his missionary work.

This young man enjoys the company of other young men and so you will seduce and deflower him and whilst in a state of sin you will remove his heart and deliver it to us.

This final act must be done where there are witnesses and must be done in his church.

It must be done under his terms Flanders. No rapes and murders. He must ask you for it. He must be the sinner. He must initiate the act.

They want me to fuck a priest? I pick up the pictures and look at them again then throw them to the table in anger. It's not that I can't or even that I don't want to, but this will be the final nail in the coffin of any redemption I could have maybe clawed my way towards if I felt like doing it. This is burning my bridges. It's one thing going into a church and killing the guy. It's quite another doing it like this. Doing it for Daja.

So I sit and think of Spencer for a while and I drink some more of Danny's whiskey then lean my head back with my eyes closed and remember Spence. Remember all I had forgotten. It comes back not in dribs and drabs slowly flickering its way into my mind, but in a huge splurge or every act I have performed on him since the beginning of time. It makes my balls ache it makes my nose bleed it makes a funny popping sound in my ear and I need him now. Right now. Not in a fucking months time…now. I think of the bike and the trip to the hospital. I think of Hotchner.

I come to a decision.

I have been given a month. Why take a month when I can do the job in a few days? Why waste time faffing around when I can put my mind to this and have that Amos bloke all over me. And me all over him. Then I will have my boy back again. Then I will be able to touch and smell and probe my way around that skinny bony body I need so much.

Tomorrow. I will start tomorrow.

Right now; until then, I will sleep.

-o-o-o-

I'm in a room.

A bright white room. As I stand I can hear breathing coming from behind me. I turn slowly. It's like my feet are too heavy for me. Each step is an effort. Each movement I make I have to concentrate on. As I gradually turn to face the breathing I can hear it getting heavier and faster. I can feel hot angry breath on the side of my face but I still can't see who it is. I blink a few times and finally the person comes into view.

Hotch! I reach out for him; to touch him. I want to feel that comfort and security, but he steps back out of reach of me. I move my mouth to say his name but before I can his hand comes up and strikes me across the face. The force of it makes me take a step sideways so I don't fall into whatever it is I'm standing in. There is no sound but the sound of his hot and angry breaths. Again I try to say something to him. I don't know what I have done. I don't know why he is so annoyed with me. Once more I try to reach out to him with my hand and this time he grabs hold of it. Twisting my arm and walking quickly and smoothly until he has forced my arm up behind my back and he is standing behind me again, only this time he is tight against my back. I want to call out in pain. I want to tell him to stop and ask him what I did but I don't get the chance. He pushes me forward until I am facing the wall and presses hard against my back grinding me into the surface of the whiteness. Now I can hear him. His words spit across my ear.

'You dirty slut.' And his lips touch my skin. 'You gave yourself to him like a whore.' I try to ask him what he is talking about but his words over-ride mine. 'All this time – all this time I have loved and cared for you. All this time worrying and waiting. Wanting you to want me and you push me aside and let that creature have you.' I try to pull away from him. 'All this time I've watched you and wanted you. All those times you've come to me to talk and you sit and say nothing. What was that all about Spencer? Those sideways glances you give me. Those hidden little smiles. The times you shower and walk around in just a towel around your waist and a smile on your face….what was that all about Spencer? Those times you accidentally brush against me and touch me with your hand. The times you have had lengthy discussions with me about nothing just so you can be in the same room as me. What was that for Spencer? Why did you do that then let him do that to you?'

Again I want to say something but before I do the hand holding my arm painfully is gone. The pressure behind me has gone and a finger seems to be drawing a line down my spine. Slowly I move so my back is to the wall and now I am looking at a different face. One I'm not sure I know. The face is much too close to mine and now this body too is pressing me back against the wall…his hips pushing hard against me his breath quick and hot on my neck. 'Hey babes.' I know his voice. I know the touch of those hands. I recognise the way he is pushing against me. Moving his body slowly as he grinds his hip against me. 'Miss me did you? I don't think you did. I asked you so many times Babes…I asked you and then I told you, don't go to Hotchner. Stay away from him, but you can't keep away can you?' His tongue slides lazily across my lips and his hand moves down between us. 'You're enjoying this aren't you? You are such a dirty slut Spencer. That's why I love you…if this is love…that's why I need you so much.' I want to respond but my heart is beating too fast and my mind won't let me think what I'm meant to be thinking. When those lips touch mine again I find one of my hands has slipped to the back of his head and I am pulling him into a deep hard lip bruising kiss. He pushes against me and I push hard back at him and his hands are all over me touching and probing and pinching and scratching at me.

'Is that what you like?'

I open my eyes and it is Hotch standing there again and the other person has gone.

'You like it rough and unfriendly? You don't want security and love? What do you want?' I stand breathing heavily wanting the other person to come back to me. 'Why do you seek out my comfort and my arms Spencer when really what you want is pain?'

'I don't know.' I finally manage to whisper.

'What don't you know?' And his hand is wrapping around my throat. I try to move my hands up but one of them seems to be stuck to the white wall behind me. With the other I claw and pull at the hand stopping me from breathing. I want to get away from him but I'm stuck against the wall with Hotch's hand tight against me neck and he is smiling at me. 'You like this?'

And he has gone.

I am on my back now and the room is red. Putting my hands on the floor next to me I realise it is sticky.

'Hey babes.' Hands on my legs pushing them apart as he crawls closer to me. Touching me. Pinching and scratching me and holding me close. I move my hands up and run fingers through his hair with one hand and grab his shoulder with the other one. I feel him moving me and pushing greedily against me and my back arches and I tip my head back and at last I can scream. A scream of wonder and delight as I feel this man forcing himself into me. I move my legs and wrap them around him and as he grinds against me with his body he bites and licks at my flesh.

This is what I want. This is what I need.

I realise that now.

I don't want the nervous hands. I don't want nights at sitting on a couch watching the television and drinking cocoa. I need this…I need this raw pain this person can give me. He allows me to feel. All the barriers in my mind. All the statistics and facts go. There is just this. The smell. The heat and the pain.

-o-o-o-

He is sleeping. I think he is dreaming. I can see his eyes under his eyelids flickering back and forth. The makes occasional small contented noises. Now would probably be a good time to go and visit Sam. I have neglected him but now at least a small part of my worry has passed.

It is very tempting to lean over him and give him a small kiss on those slightly parted lips, but I don't. I place my hand over his and talk to him quietly. 'I need to go and see Sam. I will be back.' Then I cross my arms across my chest and just stand looking at him. Is there really hope that he will recover after all this time? It shouldn't happen. It is impossible. He was dead. I take a few steps back away from him. I am his boss. I shouldn't be having these feelings for him. I shouldn't need him the way I do right now. I sigh and turn my back on him and see a nurse standing watching me.

'I can sit with him for a while.' She says with a sad smile on her face.

I nod and thank her and tell her that I won't be long. I have to check up on Sam. Obviously she has no idea who Sam is, but she doesn't ask she just nods and puts a hand on my arm.

'I will sit with him. He won't be alone. Don't worry. Go and do what you need to do.' And she drops her hand and walks to where I had been sitting in and she lowers herself slowly into the chair. I walk quickly from the room before I feel the need to go back in there and stay with him myself. I have a responsibility to Sam. I can't abandon him and I've heard no more from Johnson. I must show him, show Johnson, that I can cope with all of this.

It is the next floor down and another corridor much like the one on the floor above. I ask at the reception for Sam and I show her my ID. She gives me a worried smile and leads me to the room. A small room; very much smaller than the one Spencer is in and it is crammed full with machines and doctors and Johnson. They all look around at me and Johnson gives me a slightly stern look and introduces me. 'This is Agent Hotchner. Sam's guardian.' The looks on the faces turn from curiosity to annoyance.

'You do realise how ill Sam is?' A guy in a grey suit asks me.

I shake my head slowly. 'I'm sorry. There has been a lot going on. What happened?'

It is like a scene from a badly made movie. They stand with arms folded staring at me. I can only just make out the bed Sam is lying on and all I can hear is the sounds of bleeping and the sound of the breathing of the people standing in the room.

'It appears he injected a substance into his arm.' I am informed sharply. 'He is very lucky to be alive. You should have been here sooner.'

This attitude angers me but I try to keep my cool. 'I told you. A lot has been going on. I needed to be with someone else for a while.'

'Yes I understand that, but your colleague is an adult. This is a child. You should have been here before now.'

And Spencer needs me too and I need him, but I can't tell them that.

'I'm not here to be criticised over my parenting skills. I am here now. What can you tell me? What did he inject?' I have a pretty good idea. It wouldn't have been the first time Sam has put heroin into his veins. I had hoped it wouldn't happen again though.

'We don't know what it is. That's the problem. He is breathing fine. His heart is fine, but he is unresponsive.'

I turn to Johnson. 'You said the phial was with Sam.' I am getting snappy and annoyed again.

'Yes sir, but there was no label and the substance seems to be a mix of some known and some unknown drugs.'

It's not heroin. 'Where the hell did he get it from?'

Now Johnson shakes his head. 'I don't know. The phial has been sent for testing. That's all we can say for now.'

'We just have to wait until they can figure out what part of the mixture has done the damage.'

I turn to greysuit. 'He has taken Hero

in before.' I tell him.

'He has a number of old and fresh track marks on both arms Agent Hotchner. You should take better care of your ward. I am afraid we will have to report this to welfare. He has been thoroughly examined. Sam has suffered quite a bit of abuse whilst in your care.'

I stand for a while and shake my head. They don't understand. They can't possibly even begin to understand.

'He had a lot of alcohol running in his system. He is an obvious smoker. His – well, he is definitely not a virgin.' And again they are all staring at me.

'I hope you are not suggesting for one minute that I did this to him!' And they are still just staring at me. 'I need to see him.'

Greysuit shakes his head. 'That isn't really possible Agent Hotchner. Not until we know exactly what has been going on with this boy under your care. May I suggest you return now to your colleague and leave Sam with us for now?'

'You said I needed to be here. He is just a child.' I try to see passed them so I can look at Sam, the child I am meant to be protecting.

'Yes Agent Hotchner. You should be here. It would be nice wouldn't it? But I think it is in both yours and Sam's best interests if you stay away. At least until child protection have talked to you.'