Again a huge thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Please remember, this is a work in progress, the next chapter is not written yet. So, all your ideas and thoughts can influence me in some way. Don't get me wrong, the outcome of this is already a done deal, but I do listen to what you have to say. So, please keep giving me your thoughts. I might not agree with all of them, but I'm always eager to learn different perspectives, and who knows, I might even sway away from my own opinion if you can make a good case. ;-)
Thanks again to Cokie for her quick work on this one. She only got it yesterday while on the road, and now it is ready for posting. I think Cokie deserves some cookies for that. ;-)
Enough To Make The Angels Weep
Chapter 07 - Moving forward
Steve knew that Cath would be back in the next few minutes, which didn't give him much time to come up with something to tell her. He didn't want to lie to her; that was out of the question, but he also knew that he wasn't yet ready to talk about his prognosis. But most importantly he didn't want to get their hopes up.
Steve knew deep down that they only had his best interests in mind; that they meant well. That they all loved him, but sometimes it was just overwhelming.
He was sure that his friends weren't aware of it, but their 'everything-will-work-out-attitude' wasn't helping him much. On the contrary, it put way-too-much pressure on him on top of what he was already dealing with. What if he couldn't meet their expectations of a full recovery?
He knew they were relentless in their pursuit of that goal. And Steve was grateful for that and for their support, but he also feared that they were hoping for more than he could give them.
He planned to give his all to get better, regardless of whether they pushed him or not. But sometimes he just didn't want to have to meet such high expectations. Sometimes he just wanted to wallow in misery, and he wanted to do it with them. He never felt like he could share his anger, his worry… name it like it is, his mind screamed at him. Afraid, yes, he was terrified. Scared shitless, actually. But he never felt he could tell that to any of his friends. They were so gung ho on him being strong and getting through this… he just felt he couldn't crush their hopes and their confidence that everything would turn out all right.
And that was killing him.
Steve looked up when Cath came back into the room, a questioning look on her face. "Can I come in?"
"Of course," Steve answered. Looking at his girlfriend's worried face, seeing the love in her eyes, made it suddenly crystal clear what he had to do.
H50 - H50 - H50
Five-0 Headquarters - early evening
"Danny, what are you still doing here?" Chin asked his friend when he came back from the interviews he had conducted in Ewa Beach.
"I could ask you the same question."
"I need to pick up my laptop; but you told me two hours ago when I called you were just leaving. So, what gives?" Chin asked and sat down on the couch in Danny's office.
"You saw Steve yesterday, right?"
"Yeah, I went by the hospital in the morning. He seemed to be in good spirits," Chin said. "I think he and Mick are getting along really well."
"Yeah, I think they have a lot in common."
"Is your mood the last few days because of Mick?"
"Mood? What Mood? I'm not in a mood!"
"Danny! Cath asked me the other day, Kono saw it, hell, even Steve asked me yesterday if you're OK. And he's the one in the hospital," Chin told his friend. "So don't give me any crap, what's the matter?"
"Steve's shutting us all out," Danny slowly answered.
"No, Danny, he's not," Chin countered. "Brah, he's just dealing with a really tough situation as best he can. He might not share all his thoughts with you right now, but he's not shutting us, or you out. I think he just needs some time and space to digest all that is happening, you know?" Chin tried to reason in the name of his boss and close friend.
"Yeah, well, about that… I think I screwed that up… maybe," Danny confessed.
"What do you mean?"
"You know that Gracie writes him cards every day?"
"Yeah, I've seen the wall," Chin said with a smile, remembering the card-decorated wall in Steve's hospital room.
"She also really wants to visit him-"
"Danny, no, I don't think that is a good idea right now," Chin interrupted. "Steve is in no frame of mind to have a kid as a visitor. Not even Grace."
"Why do you say that?" Danny persisted, still refusing to back down.
"You really don't know?"
"NO!" he shot back, his anger against his partner mounting again. "My monkey wants to see her favorite uncle. God only know why she loves that moron so much, but she wants to see him. Why should I deny her that?"
"In this case, you are the moron, Danny. This is as much about Grace as it is about Steve," Chin told his friend almost angrily. Sometimes the love for his daughter clouded Danny's judgment big time. "First off, Steve is seriously, I mean seriously injured. He might not recover from it, and I think it should be his decision when or if to see someone. It's the only control he has over his life at the moment. Second, Grace is a clever kid, but she is a child. Danny, there is a reason there is a no-kids-policy in the ICU. You know why that is?"
"No, but Steve's not in the ICU anymore," Danny answered, but it was clear that Chin had his attention.
"A child might not be able to handle such a tough situation. Hell, even we struggle with it. And have you ever thought about that seeing Steve like that, Grace might think if that could happen to her uncle, it can happen to her Danno too?"
"Uh…"
"But most importantly, Steve is not ready to handle Grace seeing him like that," Chin said. "He will want to see her, don't worry about that. Just not now. It is too early for that."
"I don't know what to tell Grace why she can't see Steve," Danny confessed.
"The truth, Danny. You tell her the truth. That her uncle is not ready to see her just yet. How about a phone call? I'm sure Steve would be willing to talk to her over the phone."
"I think I really screwed up, Chin. I accused Steve of being selfish, and shutting his friends out, and…"
"Hey, don't worry, Steve knows this is also hard on all of us. Go see him tomorrow, ask him about a phone call with Grace," Chin told him with a smile.
"You think he'd be willing to talk to me? I mean, I pretty much walked out on him… after he told me to leave him the hell alone," Danny told Chin.
"Danny, you're his best friend, of course he will be happy to see you."
"I hope so."
"Come on, let's get out of here. I'll buy you a beer and a steak, that'll cheer you up," Chin said as he stood up and headed to the door.
"You're buying?"
"Yeah, brah, I'm buying."
"Well, then lead the way, my friend" Danny said and followed Chin out.
H50 - H50 - H50
Tripler Army Medical Center - Steve's room
"He told you he'll recommend a medical discharge?"
"Yeah," Steve answered and glanced at his girlfriend who looked a bit shocked about what he had just told her. "I don't even know if that's possible."
"He said a previous combat injury prevents a recovery?"
"Yeah, something like that," Steve confirmed.
"I'm not an expert, but I think that would let you qualify," Cath said. "What else did he tell you?"
Steve looked at Cath and wasn't sure how to tell her the rest of it. "He said I won't fully recover, but that they can't say how much function I will get back."
"How can he say you won't fully recover? I don't understand. You said recovery time from spinal shock is mostly up to six weeks; why is he taking that back and saying you won't?"
Steve heard her refusal to believe him in the tone of her voice. And that was exactly why he hadn't wanted to have this conversation. "Because some nerves did die. They just can't say yet how much it will affect me," Steve said and grabbed Catherine's hand with an uncoordinated move and looked at her. "I didn't want to tell you this, any of you. Please don't tell the others. I don't want you to get your hopes up. I might not walk again, ever."
"Steve, don't say something like that-"
"It's a reality, Catherine," Steve softly interrupted. "I might need a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I believe him when he said I will regain full use of my upper body back, I already am stronger." To prove his point he squeezed her hand. "But I can't move my legs at all. I have a little sensory function in my right leg, I can feel when you touch me. But I can't feel anything in my left one. And I can barely sit upright, I don't have enough control over my abdominal muscles to do so, Catherine. Those are the facts," Steve added. "Please stop saying all will be fine. Maybe it will, but maybe not. Sometimes, I just…" Steve was aware that he had opened up more than he had intended. "I just want to be able to vent and not listen to all of you telling me everything will be good, you know?"
"I'm sorry I made you feel you couldn't share this with me, Steve," Catherine told him. "I will support you in any way you need me to. Just tell me what you need. Please never hold back." Cath brought their joined hands to her lips and kissed his fingertips. "This is new territory for all of us."
"I know, and I'm not mad… well, I am mad at Danny," Steve admitted.
"Well, about that… he feels pretty awful, you know?"
"Is it really too much to ask to give me some time? I would love to see Grace… but not like this. I'm just asking for a couple of weeks, until I can use my arms and hands again. Danny totally blew up and accused me of not wanting to see my friends; that is so not true," Steve said and had to stop to catch his breath for the first time during the conversation.
"You OK?"
"Yeah. Just a lot of talking," Steve said after a moment.
"Listen, Steve. It will be your decision when to see Grace, or anyone else for that matter. Danny… well, to be honest, not just Danny, we all are pretty overwhelmed with the whole situation," Catherine told him. "Danny is aware that he overreacted."
"As he usually does," Steve said with a grin.
Catherine only smiled back at him. "I think you both overreacted. You threw him out, actually you told all of us to leave you the hell alone?!"
"He told you that, huh?" Steve asked sheepishly.
"Yes, he did."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I was just so mad at him, and…"
"It's OK, Steve. You don't have to explain, I understand," Catherine told him and stood up to give him a kiss. "You look really tired; I'll let you rest now, OK?"
"I am tired, but I'm glad we talked."
"Yeah, me too."
"Cath, I won't be here in the morning. I'll get PT in the pool."
"The pool? That's the first time, right?"
"Yeah, they said it would be less stress on my back to do it in the water. So…"
"I'm sure it will be great," Cath replied with a smile.
"We'll see," Steve answered, but also hoped it would be a good PT. So far, all his physical and respiratory therapy had been while he was in bed. But they told him his fractured vertebrae was healed enough for him to get more intense therapy. And to sit up in a wheelchair. It had hurt, but it felt really good to be able to be up instead of lying in bed all the time.
"I'll be by in the afternoon then," Cath told him.
They kissed good bye and Steve watched her leave. He wasn't even awake long enough to see his roomy come back.
H50 - H50 - H50
Tripler Army Medical Center - therapy pool
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?" Steve asked and looked at his friend who swam next to him.
"Swim like that. I look like a paddling dog, and you swim around here even without your arms or legs," Mick explained his question.
"First off, I'm not swimming, I'm just floating," Steve said, which earned him a snort from Mick. "And second, this is second nature for me. I don't need my arms or legs to stay afloat. You can do it too, it's all about breathing right," Steve explained with a grin.
"Yeah, right," his friend said and used a strong arm stroke to not get under the waterline again. Like he had done many times since he tried to float next to Steve. A task he was not very good at.
Steve looked first at Mick and grinned then at his therapist who, of course, was close by. "Hey, Tom, I'm right, right?"
"Well, it helps if you're not afraid of the water," Tom, the water therapist answered. "Some are not comfortable in the water at first. But most learn to love it, right, Mick?"
Another snort was the only answer. Which made Steve chuckle. Mick had told him that he spent a lot of time in the pool, but that he was not really good at swimming. Steve intended to teach him to swim when he was back on his feet.
Steve wasn't even aware that he had for the first time not used if he was back on his feet, but when.
"OK, guys, I think that is enough for today. Let's get out," Tom said and gently steered Steve towards the pool's edge where the lift was stationed.
Steve watched Mick reach the edge, pull himself out of the water and move into his waiting wheelchair. Steve knew that Mick's injury was a lot lower than his own and that Mick had a lot more control over his body than Steve had. So, transferring out and back into his chair was relatively easy for him.
Steve had the added difficulty that he still had a healing fracture, and not the full use of his upper body back. So, he needed a lot more help to get out of the water. In fact he wouldn't get out of bed, or the water, or the wheelchair on his own. He was dependent on others to do that for him.
And in this case the lift would get him out the water and back into the wheelchair. Something that he felt was most humiliating.
After a few moments he was settled back in the chair and Tom fastened the safety belt, so that Steve wasn't in danger of falling forward. His trunk stability still needed a lot of work.
"I'll be right back guys," Tom said and jumped back into the water to get their training gear out. They had used different floating devices and weights to train with.
"Come on, let's hit the showers."
"You're a funny guy," Steve answered and shook his head at his friend who started to wheel away.
"Ah, man, sorry, I forgot," Mick said, turned and wheeled back to where Steve was parked.
Steve wasn't able to move a normal wheelchair. Yesterday the power chair was another matter, but this one required him to push himself. And that was not happening. Steve was able to move his arms down to the wheels, but he completely lacked the strength and coordination to move the chair under his own power.
Of course he had tried as soon as Tom had sat him into the chair on their way to the pool, but it had not only caused pain in his back, but he also hadn't been able to push the chair even an inch.
So he sat in the chair, with dripping wet shorts and a tee shirt that was mostly covered by the brace that he had been wearing even while in the water. Steve was glad that he would be allowed to be without the annoying brace for a few hours while in bed and awake, but he had to wear it during the night and during all types of activity.
His doctor had told him it would be about two more weeks until he wouldn't need it anymore.
"Hey, did you see that?" Steve suddenly asked Mick in a low voice while motioning to two people across the pool.
"See what?"
"Those two guys. What are they doing here?" Steve asked and watched the two men disappear in a utility room. "They don't work here."
"How would you know that?" Mick asked in interest. "You've never been here before."
"Have you seen them here before?" Not even waiting for the confirmation that he hadn't seen them, Steve continued. "They are both from radiology. I had so many MRIs up there, I would recognize those two in my sleep."
"So what? They're not allowed to come here?"
"Not like that. They're wearing boots in the pool area; that's not allowed. And they had a backpack with them, also not allowed."
"Man, you saw all that in the second we saw them?"
"Attention to detail," Steve mumbled while he kept his gaze on the door they had disappeared behind.
A moment later said door opened, and the two men came back out. Their backpack was now obviously filled. They looked around as if to make sure that they weren't seen. Apparently the two patients on the other side of the room were of no threat to them.
"Mick, we need to check out the room. Take a look around," Steve told his friend after the two suspects had left.
It was clear to Steve that they were up to something. What, he had no idea but he had every intention to find out.
H50 - H50 - H50
Oh dear, what are those guys up to? And what will Mick and Steve find out? Will they get in trouble?
