.
7. Survivor
Mai's fist thumped against the side of the case. It couldn't be made of glass. Diamond, perhaps? Nothing else would be this strong. No matter how hard she punched, or how loud she yelled, Jounouchi and Yuugi just kept on walking away.
"Guys! I'm in here! Don't leave me!"
This was so pathetic. She wounded like some whiney damsel in distress! She was supposed to be the strong, independent modern woman, who didn't rely on anyone and needed them even less. Yet she couldn't help crying out. The sight of their backs inspired a kind of hysterical panic, which bubbled up like water out of a blocked drain. Her insides curdled. She was a hairsbreadth from throwing up all over the reinforced whatever-the-hell-this-stuff-was.
"Don't leave me!" she yelled. Her hand hurt. The glass wasn't even smeared. Her entire face burned, blood rushing into her face as she yelled, "Malik, you bastard, let me out of here!"
How could she have lost to him – some kid with a magic stick and an ego bigger than his brain? It was embarrassing. It was disgraceful. It was outrageous!
It was terrifying.
Exhausted from yelling after her arduous duel, Mai's forehead made contact with the hard surface of the container. She knew, intellectually, that this wasn't really happening. Her body was somewhere else, but this all felt so real. If she hadn't see and felt for herself such weird events and crises as she had since Duellist Kingdom, she would have dismissed all this as a cheese nightmare or a hallucination. Magic didn't exist. Souls couldn't be pulled out and stuck in boxes. Nor could they be stored in cards, won in duels or banished to other realms where monsters lived – real monsters, not the sick freaks with human faces whom Mai had always though the worst kind of evil until now.
She knew magic existed. She knew there were things in the universe science couldn't explain. And she knew this wasn't a trick, or a joke, or a hallucination.
It was a nightmare, though; one Malik had instigated and continued to control from somewhere in the shadows, as he had been controlling everything since the start. Seto Kaiba hadn't lost control of Battle City, because he'd never truly had it in the first place.
Malik had promised her soul would be shredded if she stayed in this place long enough. She had to get out of here before –
"Avez-vous entendu quelque chose?"
Mai froze.
"J'ai pensé que j'ai entendu quelqu'un exiger. Someone was calling out. Did you hear it?"
"Nope. I didn't hear nuthin'."
Oh … oh my …
"Je dois avoir été erroné. I must have been mistaken."
"I wish you'd quit talking Froggy all the time."
"And I wish you had more class. Froggy?"
"You eat frogs' legs, doncha?"
"I have never in my life eaten frogs legs. Or snails. And I'm not a fan of garlic. I have, however, eaten horse and goat."
"Ew!"
"This from the girl whose national dish is raw fish."
The familiar laughter stabbed through Mai like a spear of ice. She finally looked behind instead of ahead to the spot where Yuugi and Jounouchi had vanished. She knew what she was going to see. She knew it was impossible too – all this was impossible – but when she saw Tink and Darchelle her heart still lurched.
It's not real. It can't be real. This is all just Malik's mind games. That sicko. I'll wring his scrawny, schizophrenic neck –
Tink shrugged. Mai remembered that shrug, designed to shrug off the world as well as whatever had just been said. She could clearly see the Tinkerbell tattoo, Darchelle's favourite sparkly stilettos and black tights combo, Tink's inimitable haircut, Darchelle's deep blue eyes, plus every step and gesture of theirs she'd only seen in her memories since they each died and left her.
They passed under her prison. They were talking animatedly, as if they'd known each other forever, despite never actually meeting in their lives. Darchelle gave one of her shark-tooth smiles. Tink dashed ahead, pivoting on one foot and throwing shadow-punches, before dropping her arms and spinning in place. Tink never could keep still. Mai often had to run to keep up when they were out together. She was always in motion, never happy to stay still and just smell the roses. Darchelle preferred sitting around discussing fashion the latest gossip and sipping daiquiris whenever she could get away with it.
"I have never had a friend like you," Darchelle said warmly.
Tink shot her a wink. "Back atcha, girl."
Mai called their names – screamed them – but they followed after Jounouchi and Yuugi without looking up at her.
This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't –
She was alone again.
You're always alone in the end, whispered a voice. It dripped into her consciousness like poison. She shook her head, covering her ears, but somehow it came in loud and clear anyway. Everybody always leaves you. But that's what you wanted, right? To take care of yourself by yourself?
No. No, this wasn't what she wanted at all. This was wrong. It was all wrong.
"Please," she whispered, hating the way she sounded. Pathetic loser was such a bad look for her – this season or any other. "Please, don't leave me. Not again. Don't leave me alone again … Jounouchi … Yuugi … Dar … Tink … anybody …"
"To be truthful, I don't know why we even had children."
"Child, dear. God help us if we'd had any more."
In ten seconds, Mai's situation got a whole lot worse. Her heart went from hurting to being ripped out of her chest with white-hog tongs. Malik couldn't have -could he?
Of course he could.
"No, no, no, no, no …"
Her parents marched into view. Her mother rummaged in one of many chic little purses purchased in Paris, or Milan, or wherever the latest catwalk had been set up. She pushed her blonde bob behind one ear, while her father stared at his cell phone. Neither so much as glanced up.
"This isn't happening," Mai hissed through clenched teeth. "When I get out of here I'm going to kill Malik. Slowly. I'm gong to take that Millennium Rod and shove it up his –"
You're never getting out of here, chuckled the voice. This is a prison of your own making. You wanted people to leave you alone. You asked for this. You said you didn't need anybody. Remember how you told Jounouchi you were fine on your own? Remember how he rejected you? You were right all along – you're better off without anybody making demands on your time. Who needs friends or family? Aren't you happy you finally got your wish?
"I never wanted this."
Independence. Freedom. A life without limits. That's what you've always struggled for. To be able to be yourself no matter what! Friends always leave you anyway, so why bother making them? That's just asking for trouble. Well, now you've got your wish. You have the rest of your life to be yourself, and to take care of yourself, and nobody will be there to stop you.
Too bad the rest of your life won't be very long.
Mai screamed out her protest. She punched with renewed energy. Her knees started to cramp. Her spine hurt from being hunched over. She rocked back on her butt and kicked out with both legs. She even considered head-butting the side of her prison. Her eyes blurred with a combination of pain, rage and frustration – and also grief.
"Screw it; I don't need anybody."
Mai didn't bother waiting to look this time, just snapped her head around immediately. She still smarted when she saw the little blonde girl squatting in her nightdress, hugging her knees and shaking her head.
"I can take care of myself. Nobody wants me around anyway, so why should I care about anybody else? Everybody else is stupid and mean. They only want me for what they can get, not because they actually like me. Well, who needs them? Not me. I'm fine on my own. I always have been, and I always will be."
Mai realised the girl wasn't talking to her knees, but to the thing clasped in her hands.
"Right, Harpy Lady?" The girl looked over her shoulder, the first apparition to meet Mai's gaze.
Mai's world halted. She skidded through its stillness, frightened and off-balance. Her throat ached. Every heartbeat thundered in her ears.
"You killed me. You didn't need me anymore, so you threw me away and didn't look back, just like you did when you ran out on Katsuya. He helped you and you ditched him when he wasn't useful anymore. Why should you get treated any better now? Nobody needs you. You're just dead weight."
Mai's mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. She hadn't thought of Katsuya in years. He was part of Mai Yutaka's world, and not an auspicious part. The unanswered questions and guilt were too painful to ponder, so she had given up doing it to concentrate on her new life, telling herself it didn't matter, it was a long time ago, and there was nothing she could do about it now anyway.
She bent her head forward. Sand trickled into her hair and over her neck, but she barely noticed. Softly, unnoticed by the entire universe, tears dripped into the tiny mound that had already gathered by her knees.
You did this to yourself, Mai. Isn't it everything you ever wanted and more?
The sickening crack, as her heart and mind finally broke, was heard throughout all the desolate, empty landscape.
"Loser, loser, nobody likes a loser!"
Mai concentrated on the bill. She hadn't paid this one either. The numbers seemed to dance before her eyes, blurring so she couldn't tell one column from another. She tossed the paper aside and put her face in her hands.
"You can't ignore me forever. Loser. Failure. Big disappointment. How does it feel to suck at everything you used to be good at?"
"You're not really here."
"Wrong." Little Mai scooted across the floor, her hands passing through Mai's as she tried to prise them open. "I've always been with you. You know it, and I know it, so why keep pretending? I'm you. Or at least I was."
It had started slowly, catching sight of something out the corner of her eye that may or may not have been there: the rustle of cloth, a wisp of blonde hair, one bright purple eye through a crowd. Then she'd started hearing the echo of childish laughter long after she passed by the playground at the end of her block.
At first Mai had thought she was just overtired and stressed – small wonder after what happened during Battle City. Then the flashes became more solid, the voice more lingering. By the time she grasped what was going on, the apparition from Malik's nightmare was firmly entrenched in her life and reluctant to unhook her claws. She followed Mai everywhere, talking constantly, giving voice to the uncertainties and self-doubt that had already taken root after her loss and near-death experience.
"You could go and visit their graves, you know. It's an open cemetery. Just walk in and say 'Hi Mommy, hi Daddy, I failed at life so I'm coming to join you now'. It'd be so easy."
"Go away."
"That's right; push me away too, just like you did with aaaaall the others."
Mai hadn't spoken to Jounouchi, Yuugi, Anzu, or any of her friends in ages. It had started as a spell of licking her wounds, and gradually grown into something else. Shame, perhaps? Guilt? Embarrassment? All of the above? An unsettling wrongness had taken up position in her life, making everything a bad fit where once it had been tailored perfectly to her. Her stray cat strut no longer buoyed her confidence. She found herself slinking along like she didn't belong wherever she happened to be – the mall, the supermarket, a duelling tournament, it didn't matter. Tossing her hair drew attention she no longer wanted, as she became convinced people were whispering about her behind her back. They always had been, but somehow it had been easier to take it before. Now their words, both real and imaginary, cut deep and left Mai feeling like a pound of raw mince even when she won her duels.
She had always told herself she didn't need anyone, but this was different; and all the while, Little Mai gave a running commentary of everything she'd done wrong, was doing wrong, and would do wrong in the future. There was no escape. Even in the bathroom, or in bed at night, Little Mai talked and talked and talked. Mai barely slept anymore. Consequently her thoughts felt fuddled in daylight hours, when they weren't circling at attack themselves like a pack of rabid wolves in a famine.
Confusion barely described it. Depression scratched the surface. Psychosis was probably accurate, or post-traumatic stress disorder, but trying to label the wrongness just made her head hurt. Mai couldn't function anymore, and frankly, she wasn't sure she even wanted to. It would be so much easier to just let everything go to seed. She didn't feel like herself. She didn't feel like … anyone.
"Oh look, you're crying again! I thought you never cried. Another lie!"
Mai wondered whether she really had sounded this callous as a child. Maybe her aunts and uncles had been right; maybe she was just a black sheep, better left locked away where nobody could see her. Where nobody could touch her. Maybe her incarceration at Sunshine House really had been for her own good after all.
No, she couldn't think like that! Her family had betrayed her. She had spent years trying to forget that deepest of hurts. She'd be betraying herself to think otherwise now!
Wouldn't she?
It was all so bewildering. She had tried so hard to make something of herself, but it seemed all she'd made was a mess.
"Nobody wants you around. If they'd wanted you, they would've called you by now, don't you think? But not one little tootle. Not one text message. No emails, no visits, nothing. Some friends. But then, who'd want to be friends with a loser like you?"
Mai wished she'd never met Jounouchi or his pals. This was all his fault – his rejection had distracted her and made her screw up her duel with Malik. In her confusion, and with Little Mai's support, she had started to connect him and the others with the wrongness. Before she encountered Yuugi's group at Duellist Kingdom, everything had been going swimmingly. She'd never had to worry about magic, or getting her soul ripped out by the roots, or any of that crap. Following her success at the French finals, and her entry in the European Championship, her star had been rising. Now it had not only fallen, it had created a big crater where her self-esteem and sense of identity used to be. In her confusion and pain it was easy to look for someone to blame.
"You could just end it," little Mai coaxed. "It really would be easy. A warm bath would lull you, and then some really powerful painkillers would just make you go to sleep. Drowning might even get you first, but you'd be too out of it to care. You wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. Wouldn't that be nice? And then nobody would have to deal with you or your crap ever again. You could do one thing right, at least, and save everybody a whole heap of trouble."
Mai shook her head. It scared her that Little Mai's suggestions were starting to look tempting.
"No wonder your parents were happy to leave you alone all the time. You're –"
"Shut up!" In frustration, Mai hurled her hairbrush. It passed straight through Little Mai's body and crashed into the mirror beyond. Fragments tinkled and fell.
Little Mai tutted. "That's seven more years' bad luck. Really really sucks to be you."
Mai didn't answer. She was busy staring at the shards on the carpet. They glinted, throwing back dozens of reflections that all seemed to mock her. Dozens of Mais, and not one of them real. Maybe not even the one looking down into them.
"Sharp, aren't they?" Little Mai's smile was inviting but hideous at the same time. Mai didn't think she'd ever made that expression in her life, but it was had to argue when the proof was standing in front of her. "Are you trying to tell yourself something, Mai? Giving yourself the tools you need to do what you know, in your heart of hearts, is what's best for everyone?"
The biggest shard was triangular, its edges smooth and perfect for cutting –
"No!" She shot to her feet. "No!" She hurtled out of the room before she could stop to think, to even consider … "No, that's not me! That's not me!"
It was raining outside. Full circle. How ironic. She ran into it just as she had done years ago, when she was Mai Yutaka running away from her problems. Now Mai Kujaku was doing exactly the same thing. She hadn't changed. She was still the one nobody wanted or cared about – not even herself.
She fetched up against a clutch of trash cans in an alley not far from the apartment she'd been renting. There she leaned on the wall, pressing a hand against her mouth to stop her gorge rising. She couldn't believe what she'd been thinking. The urge had been so terrifyingly strong. She wasn't sure she could have resisted if she'd stayed and tried to clean up the broken mirror. She shook her head, sinking down amidst all the other garbage and wondering when the hell her life had become a dartboard for the gods to throw sharp things at.
When the shadow fell across her, she thought it was just Little Mai come to gloat again; so the male voice was a shock.
"Mai? Get up, Mai."
She looked at the proffered hand uncomprehendingly. "What? What are you – who are you?"
The guy standing next to her smiled. Or smirked. She couldn't really tell through the rain. "The name's Valon. I've come to help you."
It was hard to describe the sensation of letting the Orichalcos in. Later, when trying to explain why she'd done it, Mai would liken it to a cool damp cloth being placed on her forehead during a raging fever. The relief may not have been long-lasting, but it was what she needed – or thought she needed – at the time.
All her feelings since Battle City surged to the surface the moment she stepped inside Dartz's chamber. Little Mai danced in the corner of her vision, screaming obscenities and popping in and out, trying to get Mai's attention. Something about the chamber made it difficult for her to stick to Mai like usual, as if the dark magic that had created her had less sway in the presence of a much older power. She was still there, like a gnawing suspicion Mai was unable to shed, but fading.
That was what cinched it. Mai had only half believed Valon's promise that Dartz could fix things for her. It was easier to screw stuff up than repair it – a proven fact of the universe.
"You'll always be a failure!" Little Mai shrieked. "You'll always be who you are! They can't change that – nobody can!"
Dartz's fingertip met Mai's skin. Sudden relief washed through her, taking away her confusion and leaving only a crystal clarity of purpose. Maybe it wasn't a purpose she'd have chosen in other circumstances, but in exchange for reprieve from her demons, it was a debt she was willing to pay. The Orichalcos made everything clear, streamlining her thinking until only the important stuff remained.
She felt reborn; no longer Mai Yutaka or Mai Kujaku, but someone else. Someone new. Someone with a soul not left in tatters by torture and constant brutal abandonments.
This time, she swore, she'd stick to her identity, her purpose, her goals. They were hers and nothing would take them from her. Nothing would tear her away from the stability they represented. Whatever it took, whatever was asked of her, Mai swore, she wouldn't give in to her fears again.
"Yeah, that plan worked so well. Great idea, Mai. Juuuust peachy. Throw your hand in with the bad guys. Because that idea's always a winner."
She stood on the cliff because it afforded the best view of the ocean. That and she had nowhere else to go. She'd let the lease on her apartment slide while she was with DOMA. They had taken care of all her food and accommodation needs while she had other things to think about.
Like how best to take over the world and screw over the only real friends I actually have. Had. Have. Ah screw it. I am such an idiot.
She half expected Little Mai to chime her agreement, but nobody spoke. Little Mai hadn't reappeared when the Orichalcos's hold was broken, for which Mai was eternally grateful. Even those moments when she had doubted the veracity of Dartz and DOMA, when she had almost broken the Orichalcos's hold over her, fear of seeing the apparition of her younger self had made her stick her guns.
So maybe not all of that heinously huge mistake was so bad.
Wait, what am I thinking?
It was easy to think out here. The ocean was endless and ancient. It humbled a person to stand next to it. In the grand scheme of things, Mai's life was just a piece of plankton on the tide of life.
"See me getting all philosophical." She sighed. "I should be thinking about where I'm going to sleep tonight."
Instead, all she could think about was what she'd left behind this time. She was running again, but this time she was running with the intention of coming back. This time she wasn't escaping, she was just looking for a bit of perspective. She had botched everything good in her life and now she needed to fix it – not escape, but fix. That was why she'd left her Harpy Lady card with Valon. It was the sort of promise she still couldn't say out loud, but it was a promise.
Wow. She had actually committed to something other than Duel Monsters. How … weird.
Huh. How come it took until her twenties – her real twenties– to finally gain some proper maturity? Mai felt like she'd been playing at being mature all this time. Like diamonds and wine, you couldn't tell the cheap and nasty stuff until you'd sampled the quality. Unlike diamonds and wine, however, maturity didn't look good or taste nice.
She was aware that while she had made a commitment to return and explain herself to Valon – once she was capable of offering a coherent explanation that is – she had made no such commitment to Jounouchi. She was still very ashamed of herself and how she had behaved towards him. Seeing him again required the kind of courage that needed a running start. Shizuka, too, deserved explanations for why her role model had done a one-eighty into Nutcase and then back into Sanity. Not to mention Yuugi, Anzu, Otogi, even that idiot Honda, who had actually turned out to make a lot of sense when it really counted –
Impulsively, Mai bent down and scooped up a handful of stones. She cradled them in one hand and began tossing them off the cliff one by one, watching as they disappeared into the frothy surf below.
"I'm sorry for betraying your friendship, Yuugi." Plip. "Sorry for nearly taking your friends away, Anzu." Plip. "Sorry for almost getting you killed, Otogi." Plip. "Sorry for being such a bitch to your best friend, Honda." Plip. "Sorry for not being the person you thought I was, Shizuka." Plip.
The litany went on and on. As practise for just saying the words, it was good. As practise for actually facing the people she named … well, the jury was still out on that one. Still, you had to start somewhere, right? Catharsis was all about baby steps.
"I'm sorry …" Mai paused, considering. Then she threw two pebbles, one after the other, with extra emphasis. "I'm sorry Mom and Dad, that I wasn't the daughter you wanted, although to be fair you weren't exactly great parents either. I'm sorry, Darchelle, for not going to your funeral, but I just couldn't face saying goodbye to someone that way again. I'm sorry, Tink, for not being straight with you. If I had, maybe you would've been straight with me and we could've worked out both our problems. I'm sorry, Katsuya, for running away and leaving you to face your crazy dad alone. Running away never works; not unless you're willing to run back again and face up to your responsibilities …"
Altogether, she was there for an hour, explaining herself and finally giving voice to the restless demons of her past – some of which she hadn't realised she was carting around until that moment.
How much crap had she been secretly blaming herself for all these years? How many regrets had she stockpiled, always thinking she'd deal with them another day – which, of course, never came.
When she had run out of names and apologies, but still had a few pebbles left, Mai scrunched up her face and threw all of them over the edge. "I'm sorry!" she shouted. "There, are you happy, universe? I! Am! Sorry! Now let me fix this so I never have to say that again. Let me finally figure out how to fix myself instead of reinventing the wheel over and over to see if it does something different this time!"
A salty breeze blew in her face. She coughed, staggering backwards.
"Very funny, universe. Ha ha!"
Hunkering down, she hooked her legs over the edge and watched the waves, hoping for divine intervention. Maybe she was also testing herself to see whether to desire to jump would appear. When it didn't, she loosed a long breath and hung her head.
"Okay, so no deus ex machina is coming to save me this time. I get it. Last time didn't work out so well. This is my responsibility. It has to come from me."
Another blast of salty air. Mai refused to flinch this time. She went back to her bike, put on her helmet, started it up and roared away.
First I have to fix myself. Then I can go back and repair the damage I've done to others.
She leaned forward and gunned the engine, accelerating so the wind whipped back her hair. It was pure exhilaration – no thought, no intention, just feeling. This was another unexpected good thing that had come out of DOMA. Without Valon and the others, she never would have discovered her love of top-speed and motorcycles. Mai – Yutaka, Valentine, Kujaku, whatever – absolutely loved motorcycles.
And Duel Monsters. I need to go back and remind myself of what made me love that if I'm going to fix anything about myself.
Apologies, recriminations and self-improvement. How boringly mature.
"Look out world," Mai yelled, even though nobody could possibly hear her. "You think this is me signing off? As if. You ain't seen nothing yet!"
To Be Concluded …
.
