Chapter 6 - What was that?

The long siren like howling in the middle of the night had everyone on high alert that night. Everyone was shitting themselves. What could have been causing this, all of the previous dangers were dead and therefore there was no need to really worry about them. Early on in the morning when even the farmers were still asleep in their hay filled beds, the teachers all got together in the teachers lounge and discussed the situation. "I have spoke to Hagred" said Dumbledoor "and he can confirm that there was something outside of the Hogwarts boundaries howling last night". "He has checked with all of his magical animals and none of them claim to have made the sounds", exaplined Dumbledoor further "he feels that he has heard that sound once before, perhaps in a dream". "What aboot the students?" Cried a panicking McGonibble, as she was really worried about the kids and Rincewind even though he wasn't a kid, but actually a grown man with a beard. "We can try and pretend that nothing has happened, but they aren't stupid or else they would be a school for stupid kids, and they would end up working for the government, haha fuck u Theresa Gay!" Said Dumbledoor, "We should be honest with them right from the start, and that way everyone will be on the same page and if it is really some bad thing then they will be prepared for it" suggested Dumbledoor. "No, they are far too cocky and would try to kill the beast themselves and get killed in turn if we tell them. They should be kept in the dark and we should lie to them, and tell them it was something other than some scary thing that even we don't know about" replied Snape. As Snape knew that Dumbledoor was a secret homo that he didn't want anyone else knowing about, Snape got his way by winking at the old gay like he was saying "if you go against me I'll show them the pictures fuckboi". And so it was decided, that they were going to cover up the whole story like a big blanket full of deceit over the students who were lying on beds of lies and resting their heads on pillows filled with bullshit.

As the kids woke up and started to chart with each other in the common areas and have food lots of rumours went about. Like was it just a big fart from Hagrid? Or did Mad Eye prank someone by leaving his eye on their bed pillow and when the person got a fright they scremed. Of course none of these were true, and they couldn't be, as no human could have produced that sound. All of the students knew this, but were happy kidding themselves that it was something funny instead of something horribly scray! As Rincewind sat down and started to eat his eggs, he overheard all of these stories, it reminded him of all of the rumours that he had heard before and he laughed, thinking that there was probably no real howling in the night anyway, but he was wrong as there was. Luna came out of her room, with her white eyes now quite red as she had not slept properly due to the letter and all of the stuff in the previous chapter. She went over to Rincewind and said to him "I need to talk to you in private". Rincewind could sense that she was really worried like he had some sort of spidey sense for worriment and said back to her "okay, where can we talk". "I have something private to show you in my room" said Luna back to him, and he thought that he was going to be getting his hole for sure now! So he hopped along into her room and sat down on her bed expecting her to get naked. "I need to reach into my drawers to get it out, be prepared for it" she said. "Okay, just bear in mined that I'm tired and haven't done this sort of thing for a long time" Rincewind said as he started to take his socks off. "Oh, so you've helped people with mystery letters before" said Luan as she turned around to find Rincewind sitting on her bed as he finished taking his very last sock off. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Oh" said Rincewind noticing that she wasn't getting naked as well and picking up on the signs "I was just taking my socks off, I believe it to be disrespectful to sit on someone elses bed wearing them. I don't even wear them when I'm sitting on my own bed" he said "it's just how things are done back where I'm from". "Oh alright" said Luna. He had gotten away with it!

"Anyway" she continued "I got this letter last night from a mystery source and I am a bit freaked out because the last time I got a letter like this it was just before my mum died". "Let's have a look at it" said Rincewind trying to act like he knew what he was doing but he was actually just making shit up as he went along. But as soon as his eyes met the sheet with the mysterious words and letters on it he swallowed air and started choking like he had just eaten a cookie that he thought was just chocolate but his friend Steve had actually pranked him by putting chilli powder through it because Steve knew that he didn't like spicy food and Steve was a bit of a dick like that. "I know who sent this" said Rincewind with a look of sheers terror on his middle aged raggedy face. "It is...DEATH!" He exclaimed! He expected Luna to be like OMGWTF but instead she just took a bite out of her biscuit and said "oh, alright then lol". Rincewind asked to his surprise about her lack of it and she explained that because she had experience so much death and because her ENTIRE family going back til caveman times were all quirky. Her great x50 Uncle Thag Simmons was a famous caveman who was a researcher who got killed while looking at the tail of a big dinosaur too close, and they named the part of the tail that killed him after him, and they called it the Thagomizer. "So what do you think he wants with me then?" She asked Rincewind as she took another tiny bite out of her already quite small biscuit. "It seems like he really actually cares for you and wants to prevent you from harm, but it's like he only has so much control over the situation at hand." Explained Rinewind. "Hmmm...I think you're right, who do you suppose is the traitor then? I don't think it's you as you don't really know many people yet" said Luna with a laugh. Rincewind didn't know but he took her words as a compliment because they were. "I guess we'll have to see" said Rinceiwnd like a cool cat, like Top Cat from the cartoon.

And so they all went to the first class of the day which was the potions class that was being led by Severeus Snap. Rincewind sat down in his new seat as he was new to the school and his seat was sat next to Neville who was quite cool. Luna has a seat next to her ugly fucko boyfriend dickbag Crabbe, he smelled like he had been washing his clothes in Hagrid's armpits and leaving them up to dry in the Bank Goblins fart alleyways. There were lots of rumours going about that Luna actually had no sense of smell and that her nose was purely aesthetic and that was why she had it. It would really explain why she didn't throw up some sick from the sight of his smell. "So, if you turn to the back of your books on herbs in potions and revise that would be most useful" said Snape to the class "as we will be having a spot test later on to determine the seating arrangements for the upcoming year". Rincewind was suddenly worried, like a badger that was kissing his badger friend's badger girlfriend, and his badger friend was going to come back to catch them and beat up their badger butts.

Ricewine has sat one exam in his life before this story. He had faced many trials and tests otherwise, but none that had such a strict marking criteria. "When he says spot test, he doesn't mean a hard one?" asked Rincewind to Neville on his left. Neville turned to face Rincewind, leaned in closer until their faces were but a rabbit's pube hair away from each other and said in a very serious tone "In all my years here, I have never seened a Gryffindoor pass one of Snape's exams. He always makes them harder for us because we're all the good guys, and he makes them easier for his slitherings because they are his house and if they do well then they get more house points and if they win the house cup at the end fo the year then they get to go to Mickey Dees as a group and order whatever they like". Rincewind had been to the fabled golden arches once and he knew of the scale of this prize. Breville conitinued, not backing away "the only person that ever did well was Luna weirdly enough, but even when she got 98% he increased the pass mark for her to 99%/ because of her housing. So that's why she's next to Crabbe over there, because she was the highest non slithering and he was the lowest slithering". This all put thoughts into Rincewind's old but not senile brain. If he wanted to sit next to her this year then he could either do really really well in this exam and earn the place, or he could just hobble her score so that she does as shit as he does and they will both be down at the bottom. He decided to go for the second one because he had never came close to being good at learning things and he could only be a sneaky devil, that and by preventing her from sitting next to shitface, he would really be doing her a favour.

Neville then moved his head back to where it was supposed to be and carried on trying to read from his textbook. Rincewind opened the book and to his surprise the pages came to life and starting speaking directly to him. "Who goes there?" asked a stick figure in the corner of the page, "Are you the new owner of this special book?". "I believe so" said Rincewind. "Okay, well over the next few pages, you will cover basic health and safety protocol, and in particula will cover the many reasons why you have to wash your hands, and wear a hair or beardmask to cover any hair as it may be set on fire". Health and safety, this was going to be a long day.