Author's Note: I'm sorry for such a delay. I've been swamped with classes, and I know for a fact that this weekend is going to the death of me! (I have two papers due Monday and a video to edit for one of my classes.) If any writing (other than for school) is done this weekend, it's the result of pure procrastination and should not be occurring. So, don't expect anything until Tuesday at the very earliest.
I'd also like to send a prayer out to those who are suffering from Hurricane Sandy. The news is so devastating. I'm glad that it seems all SVU cast and crew are safe, and hopefully they'll be able to return to filming soon.
Also, one last note: I'm on Twitter now! Follow me at paisleywrites (:
Olivia could feel the tension in the waiting room as the silence beckoned. She slowly turned her head to Elliot again. She hesitated to meet eyes with the man who'd been her partner for so many years. His blue eyes shimmered, were those tears being held back in Elliot Stabler's eyes?
"If we can be friends?" he broke the silence with a hoarse whisper.
"That's what I said," Olivia responded with a rasp in her voice. Her throat burned to speak, as she herself was holding back tears. She didn't want to get emotional in front of Elliot; she'd done that too many times in the past.
Nothing could change the fact that Olivia felt broken inside. If we can be friends, the words burned in her head. The words were certainly not to speak, because no one could understand how much she wanted Elliot Stabler's friendship back. She'd spent almost thirteen years entrusting Elliot with her life. Now, everything was different. Her world had been turned upside down when Elliot had disappeared from her life with no notice. She'd always known in the back of her head that he would return. As more time had passed, his return had become less of a reality, and she'd begun to accept the fact that she may never speak to him again, but there he was, right in front of her.
She had pictured this day for the last year and a half, but nothing could have prepared her for this reunion. She'd always figured Elliot would have the courtesy to call her one day out of the blue and surprise her. Or, he'd arrive randomly one day at the station. In fact, for the three months of his departure, Olivia had scoped the squad room for his face, hoping to one day look up from her desk to see him standing above her. That day had never come. There were days that she would lay awake in her apartment, crying, hoping that one day Elliot would knock on her door. In the early days of her partnership with Nick Amaro, every time Amaro had unexpectedly arrived at her apartment she'd hoped it was Elliot knocking on the door. Of course, every time she'd opened the door to a young Latino man. Her heart would secretly drop.
None of her Elliot-reunion fantasies led to a run-in with him on an online dating site. She'd run through dozens of script dialogues of the words she'd speak to Elliot when she saw him again, but she'd never scripted this scenario out.
Of course, Maggie wasn't in any of her scenarios, either.
Sure, Olivia had fantasized expressing her true feelings to Elliot over and over. She'd imagined telling Elliot that she loved him then had run both possible scenarios out. There was the scenario where Elliot told her that he could never see her like that, and he suggested they go their separate ways.
Then, there was the other scenario, the one that more commonly played in her head. It started him confessing that he, too, felt the same way about her. She'd then flirtatiously move closer to him and flutter her eyebrows. He'd gaze lavishly into her eyes, and she would profuse a gaze back. They'd stare emulously at each other, then finally their lips would meet and their tongues would finally lock as one…
"Liv, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you," Elliot whispered. "I-I can't imagine never being friends with you again. I never wanted to lose you as a friend."
Olivia shook her head, breaking herself from the fantasy. Her body quivered, and then she stood up, holding her shoes, and looking at Elliot one last time.
"You might not have intended to hurt me, but you did. If you didn't want to lose me as a friend, you should have called," she said, sternly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I made a pinky promise to Maggie. Goodbye, Elliot Stabler. " She inhaled a deep breath, getting herself together before she returned to Maggie. She turned around and began walking downward the hallway.
"Liv, wait!"
She turned back to see Elliot walking after her.
"Goodbye, Elliot Stabler," she reiterated. "Leave me alone."
"I'll call…"
"Don't bother!" she yelled back at him, walking faster and abandoning Elliot Stabler. When she reached Maggie's hospital room, she looked back to make sure she had lost him; and she had. A feeling of disappointment swept over Olivia, as she secretly wished that he had run after her. If he truly cared, he would have run after her. Perhaps she had been clear enough in her attentions that he had taken the hint. Part of Olivia knew it was for the best. Elliot Stabler had brought more pain to her internal self than any other person. Not even her own mother, a drunk who had made her life a living hell, had caused her so much pain. Though, she knew her mother's life had been made a living hell by a rapist, her father. No pain could match what Elliot Stabler had brought upon her, whether it was intentional or not was irrelevant.
She took a deep breath before walking into Maggie's hospital room, to ensure her composure was strong. Her shoes were still in her hands, and she knew that she'd better put the back on before going into the hospital room. She grunted as she leaned down to fasten her shoes to her feet. The tension in her feet returned instantly as she fastened the shoes around her ankles. That was the moment she came to the conclusion that she wasn't going to wear high heels for a long time.
Olivia then opened Maggie's hospital room to find Maggie sitting on the bed, fully clothed. Amanda and Fin were also in the room along with the woman from child services.
"Mommy!" Maggie cried, jumping off the bed and running toward Olivia.
Mommy? Olivia's eyes widened at the sound of the word spoken by the little girl. Her heart warmed and began to beat faster.
"There you are, Liv," Fin shook his head. "Maggie said you went off with a friend... Elliot, I'm assumin'."
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, we had a chat, and unfortunately he had to get going." She wasn't about to explain the truth to Fin. She turned to the woman from child services, "Do you have the papers I need to sign?"
"Yes, actually, do you mind stepping out in the hallway so we can chat, Detective Benson?"
Olivia looked down at Maggie, whose lip puckered. "I'll be right back, sweetie."
"But you just got back," Maggie whined. Her bright blue eyes glimmered in the light. Olivia hadn't noticed how blue Maggie's eyes really were; they were brighter than Elliot's. Maggie yawned; it was approaching midnight and was well past Maggie's bedtime. She needed a warm bed to sleep in.
"I know, honey. It won't be long before you can come home with me and sleep. Stay here with Amanda and Fin for a moment, okay?"
Maggie glanced at Fin and Amanda then sighed. "Okay."
Olivia stepped into the hallway with the woman from child services.
"Okay, give me the papers to sign so I can get that little girl home and in bed. She's been through enough today. Can't you tell she's exhausted?" Olivia was quick to insist once they were in the hallway.
"Detective Benson, I'm afraid it's not quite that easy," the woman said.
"What do you mean?" Olivia asked quickly. She wasn't going to make this more complicated than it had to be.
"I'm sure you noticed, and I couldn't help to notice either, that Maggie called you 'Mommy'," the woman noted.
"Where are you going with this?" Olivia asked conspicuously. "The little girl just lost her parents and is in desperation for a motherly figure. I don't know why she chose me, but she did."
"I guess you do have a motherly instinct about you."
"I do?" Olivia asked, raising her brows. How could she possibly have a motherly instinct about her? She'd never had a child of her own. For much of her younger life, she'd been devoted to ensuring she never had a child. She didn't want to bring a child into this cold, evil world, especially with her genetics. Her mother was an alcoholic and her father was a rapist. Psychologists said that when you become a parent, you tend to mimic your parents' parenting. Olivia didn't want that. When she was younger, she'd been terrified of being a mother because of how she'd been parented. What if she turned into her mother?
You're not your mother, Olivia, she'd been told several times, though she was her mother's flesh and blood. Who was to say she couldn't turn into her mother under the right circumstances?
As she'd grown with SVU, worked cases with children, and watched her own partner's children grow, the more she desired to have a child of her own. Calvin had been the icing on the case. Calvin had made her realize how a child could complete her life. But Calvin was taken away; that was when she realized that maybe she wasn't meant to have a child. Calvin wasn't hers to begin with, though, and she'd known that. Calvin had a mother who wanted him back; although Olivia knew she was undeserving. Olivia knew she had no right to get attached to Calvin. Could Maggie be her second chance?
"Yes, you do. Detective Benson, that's not what I'm getting at. I want to make sure that you understand Maggie's placement with you may very well be temporary…"
"Her parents are both dead," Olivia said. "Maggie trusts me. You're going to place her with me only to take her away from me?"
"We're still searching for Maggie's relatives."
"Yeah, how's that going? Did Maggie mention any other relatives?" Olivia asked, knowing that if they'd already found a relative, Maggie wouldn't be going home with her tonight.
"When we asked her, she said she didn't have any. We've searched the family's history. So far, we've had no luck, but it's been less than 24 hours. We've forwarded Maggie's picture to the media. Someone could come forward…"
"And let's say someone does come forward. What are the chances that it's a family member that Maggie knows? You're saying it's better to place Maggie with a stranger than me?"
"Blood relation always has precedence in situations like these, Detective Benson. I'm just telling you not to get attached yet, okay? If attachment is going to be an issue, I'm going to have to place her in another home," the words caused Olivia's heart to sink to the floor. She should have known from the beginning that her custody of Maggie may not be permanent. In the back of her mind, she'd thought about other family members coming forward for Maggie. Maggie was such a sweet girl; surely she had some other family out there who would want her. Olivia's stomach lurched, remembering the emptiness she'd felt after Calvin had left her. Attachment had always taken a toll on Olivia.
Attachment, was that what she'd felt toward Elliot? It was. She'd become attached to Elliot, and that was when her feelings blossomed for him. Then he'd left her, and she'd been broken.
What would happen if she became attached to Maggie, then someone came to take her away? Was she emotionally stable enough to handle such a case? More importantly, was Maggie emotionally ready to handle that?
Regardless to whether she and Maggie could handle the proposed situation, Olivia felt that she would be hurting Maggie more by not taking her home tonight.
"With no disrespect, we've got a little girl in there who's just lost both her parents tonight under tragic circumstances. She already knows she's coming home with me, and I'm not going to break her heart again. It's so late and we're both tired. We'll be fine," Olivia told child services.
"Okay, you can take her home, but mainly because I don't want a little girl crying tonight." The woman handed Olivia the papers and Olivia filled out the paperwork, signing the documents. "Five-year-old Magdolna Ada Aldridge is now in your care, Olivia Benson. I'll be visiting your apartment tomorrow evening around 1 p.m., and if we do not find another family member within the next 48 hours, there will be a court hearing pending future custody of the child."
"Thank you," Olivia whispered. "Am I clear to take her home?"
"Yes, you are. Get some rest tonight, you look exhausted."
And that she was. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she'd been this exhausted. The whole seeing Elliot again had really drained her.
She entered the room and found Maggie lying on the bed, slumbering. Olivia hated to wake the little girl now, but she wanted to get Maggie home to a more comfortable bed. She looked over at Amanda and Fin, who both shrugged. Olivia pondered the conversation the two had while she was away. Olivia had a feeling she and Elliot had been the topic of conversation; she'd make sure to ask Amanda about it later, and perhaps she'd take some time to explain everything to Fin later.
Olivia approached Maggie and gently nudged her.
"Momma?" the little girl mouthed.
"Hey, sweetie, it's time to go."
"I sleepy," Maggie groggily mumbled. She was out. Olivia found herself smiling. She leaned and carefully picked Maggie up.
"You look zonked, Liv. I can take you home," Amanda offered.
"Really? Thanks for the offer, Amanda. I'd appreciate that," Olivia said to Amanda.
"Well, since you girls are off, I think I'm gonna hit the sack," Fin said. "You ladies have a safe night. Take care of Maggie, Liv."
"I will," Olivia promised, gently stroking the little girl's hair.
Olivia carried Maggie out to the car and placed her in the back seat. She took a seat up front with Amanda.
Soon after Amanda began driving, she asked, "So, what happened with you and Elliot?"
"It's a long story," Olivia sighed. "Not sure I want to get into it. What did you and Fin talk about while I was gone?"
"Not a whole lot. He asked me why you were so dressed up to go out to dinner with me…"
"…and what'd you say? Elliot told him that he randomly ran into you and me at a restaurant."
"Yeah, I figured that, so I said that I didn't know."
"He probably thinks I have a crush on you," Olivia chuckled, and Amanda laughed too. "You're great and all, Amanda, but I don't swing that way, just so you know."
"No offense taken, Liv," Amanda insisted. "But you do know that I'm here for you, right? I know that you said that you don't want to get into what happened between you and Elliot, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here."
"I know, Rollins. Thanks for the offer…you know, it's kind of nice having another woman around on the force to talk to. I've been surrounded by men for so many years."
"I'm glad to be of service to you," Amanda said sincerely as she pulled to the curb in front of Olivia's apartment. She was finally home.
"Thanks for the ride. I'll see you later. Child services is coming to check my apartment out tomorrow around 1 p.m., but I'll probably be in sometime tomorrow."
"Don't worry about it, Benson. I'm sure that Cragen will understand if you take a day off. You can take a personal day, you know?"
"Personal day, those are foreign words to me. Have a good night, Rollins." Olivia said, getting out of the car and taking Maggie from the back seat.
"You too," Amanda said with a sigh, shaking her head at Olivia's comment.
Olivia carried the child to her apartment, managing to pull out her keys and unlock the door with the child still in her arms. She brought Maggie into her spare bedroom and laid her down on the bed. The little girl continued to slumber in a deep sleep. Olivia lightly kissed Maggie on the forehead and whispered, "Home sweet home, Maggie."
