Lovino slapped his cheeks. Focus, focus, focus. Now, he had gone to the doctor and got some pain killers that should be able to carry him through a day without having to kneel in front of the toilet. And he had had to talk to Antonio over the phone, but he thought he made a good job of apologizing. If he was going to pretend that everything was cool, he couldn't just shove Antonio off of him when he was getting affectionate. And besides, this was what Lovino wanted. To carry on with life as if nothing had happened. So, why not starting now.
He held up the pills in his hand and swallowed two. As he did, his mind went back to the chat he had with the doctor.
"Mr Vargas, I cannot give you pain killers this strong if you're not going to get treatment."
Lovino wanted to scream. "Look, treatment or not, I'm going to die. And since I decided to go without treatment, I need to keep up an image of being somewhat healthy till the day I die. That means I will need some goddamned pain killers to get me through a day. Will you just prescribe them already!"
The doctor shook his head. "Mr Vargas, if I was your father, or your friend, I would be heartbroken about this."
Lovino looked unsure for a moment. "About this what?"
The doctor sighed. "About this whole hiding thing. Pain killers or not, you're going to break down one day. And when that day comes, all of your loved ones will simply ask themselves why you doidn't tell them about your disease. And that can only end in one way. Which is very, very, very bad."
Lovino swallowed. He paused for a moment before speaking.
"It's ok. I'll leave behind something so that they understand why I did this. I want to spend these last months in happiness, not circled by crying people. It's okay. I'll make it."
The doctor said nothing. He just sighed, sat down at his desk and filled in a prescription for Vicodin.
Lovino felt like the pain had finally, finally gone away. He felt free. All of a sudden, trying to pretend that everything was fine didn't look like a daunting task anymore. He could do this. He knew he could.
As he walked home, he lingered on another part of the conversation he had with the doctor. The one about leaving something behind for friends and family where he explained all of this. He could write a letter, but then again, he hated writing. He needed to find a way, any way to leave behind a message. He just had to think about something that would be both practical and easy to make. He had to find a way. Antonio deserved to know the truth. And Feli, and Belle. They deserved it.
Antonio was relieved. Really, he was. Lovino had answered his phone call in the end, had apologized and said that as soon as he got home he would "make it up to him". Honestly, Antonio didn't care for that. He just wanted to have his Lovino back home and hug the hell out of him. So when he came home, he did.
Lovino hadn't expected it. Or better, he had expected a bone crushing hug, but not the apologies that came from Antonio.
"Loviiiii! I'm sorry for this morning! I'll never do it again! I loooove you!"
Lovino coughed and tried to keep a straight face. "Uhm... it's kinda ok. It was my fault, I exaggerated. I was just not in the mood, I had had a bad dream and... you know..."
Antonio kept on hugging his lover, nuzzling his hair. "I don't care. Now you're back, and guess what, I made you pizza!"
Lovino tried to hide his chuckle. Antonio couldn't make pizza if his life depended on it. But hey. He had tried, right? "Alright, alright. Let's just eat then."
Antonio finally released Lovino, gave him a kiss square on the lips and went off to set the table in the kitchen. As he had his back turned, Lovino sneaked to the bathroom and hid the vicodin in the highest shelf of the cabinet. He'd have to look for a better place later, but for now it would do. He really needed to find a safe hiding place, because from now on, pain killers were not the only thing he'd be concealing from Antonio. And he'd be damned if Antonio discovered a single speck of the truth before the day he was pushing daisies.
That was a fucking fact.
Since Antonio had cooked a (crappy) pizza, Lovino decided that it was up to him to wash the dishes. So he did, while Antonio sat at the kitchen table talking.
"I was thinking, why don't we go on a vacation some weekend?"
Lovino's ears perked up. Vacation? It didn't sound half bad...
"A vacation? Where?"
Antonio gave his goofiest smile. "Wherever, as long as I get to be with you!"
Lovino blushed for all he was worth.
"That was the cheesiest, corniest thing you could say. I hope you realize it."
Antonio kept his grin in place.
"I knoooooow. But cheesy is good. Why don't we go to the south of Spain, or Sicily? I could use a break from the cold."
Lovino thought about it. Spain or Sicily meant catching a plane. Catching a plane meant declaring that he was carrying opiate drugs on himself. Declaring that meant that Antonio would think that he was either
a drug addict
really stupid
in need of strong pain relief
No. it wouldn't work.
"It sounds half way nice. But it's too far away. We could just go to Paris. So we can get there by train, spend a couple of days and be back."
Antonio kept on smiling. "Paris? Don't you always say that it's a stupid city?"
Lovino looked very hard at the soapy dish he was washing. "I know, it's stupid. But it's got a lot of... uhm... Italian art in the museums. And the food is not all that bad. And... and I've never been there."
Antonio laughed. "Ok, then, Lovinito. We'll go to Paris. We'll have a blast! I'll ask for a two day permit at work, and you will too, right?"
Lovino scoffed. "Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever."
Antonio got up and went to hug Lovino from behind, resting his head on top of the shorter man.
"I love you."
Lovino blushed. He turned around and hugged Antonio fiercely.
Antonio looked a bit surprised.
"Lovi...?"
Lovino buried his face in the Spaniard's chest and mumbled "Shut up. I'm trying to crack your ribs here."
Antonio laughed and hugged Lovino back. But he was speechless when he heard what Lovi said in his chest.
"I know it doesn't always look like I... you know... lo-love you, but you know that I do. I know you know. I'm sorry if I'm bitchy and whiny and hissy and I throw tantrums sometimes. But I... I would never leave you willingly, you know? I want to be with you... uhm... kind of... forever. I know you know. But I wanted to say it once."
Then Lovino looked up in Antonio's shocked eyes. "But don't get used to this, ok! It was a once in a lifetime confession, and if you have the guts to tell a single soul about this, i'm going to grab your balls and tear them off! Capisci?"
Antonio's shocked expression morphed into a loving, kind one. He cupped Lovino's cheeks in his hands and said "Of course, lovely Lovi. Your secret is safe with me. I'll take it to my grave."
Lovino closed his eyes. "I'm sorry if I shoved you off of me this morning. But, if you feel like it... if you're not angry... we could... uhm..."
Antonio silenced him with a fiery kiss.
seventh chapter. woohoo!
