Okay first though, 2,000 VIEWS WHAT wow im gonna smooch all of your guys' faces wowee

And also stay tuned for pesterlogs coming up? I've been messing with coding a bit but to my dismay, no dice. I will pee

Bro and John are little shits but it's okay.


== Be the one with a stiff back.

John Egbert woke up from his uncomfortable slumber to see Dave sitting on his bed with what John assumed to be the newest edition of Game Bro. He didn't much care for the magazine, it was really shitty after all. If Dave noticed that John was awake, he didn't show it; he merely kept reading the magazine. How the hell did he even read that magazine with his sunglasses on? Seriously.

Annoyed with being ignored, John grabbed his glasses and crawled onto the foot of Dave's tiny bed. "Daaaave," John lilted, "have you eaten breakfast yet?"

To this Dave grunted and replied, "even if I wanted to there isn't anything to eat in the fridge unless you want a mouthful of katana." John sighed and walked towards the kitchen.

He opened the fridge door- at an angle, just in case Dave wasn't feeding him bullshit about flying katanas- and lo and behold a crapalanche of katanas flew out of the fridge. John gingerly stepped around them to find… well…. its smelled like a decomposing body, but upon further inspection, John discovered that what they really were was week old takeout boxes. John scrunched up his nose in disdain and messily shoved the swords back in the fridge.

John walked back into Dave's room, grabbed some clothes and a towel and went to shower. While in the shower, he contemplated what to do about his empty stomach. He would've asked Bro to take him to get some food but that didn't seem like something Bro would do willingly. John certainly couldn't go to get food by himself- he didn't know this area all that well and he would probably end up getting lost and dying of heatstroke. Well, either that or starvation. Whichever came first.

He sighed and turned the water off, coming to the only conclusion he could think of. He dressed and walked slowly back to Dave's room.

John stood in the doorjamb for some time until Dave finally looked up from his stupid comic. Dave gave John a once over and smirked. Smug bastard. John hadn't wanted to do this in the first place but now he really didn't want to give Dave the satisfaction of asking for his help. But, alas, his stomach pleaded and who was he to ignore his stomach. With all John knew, Dave would be happy to help John and they would bond over the experience. John smiled outwardly at this knowing how completely outrageous that thought was. His stomach grumbled again and John knew it was now or never.

"So… Dave… Wanna um come with me… to get… something to eat?" Smooth.

Dave's eyebrows were now raised above his sunglasses in skepticism. God, John wanted to punch Dave and his stupid shades. But for the sake of his growing hunger, he kept his cool.

Dave slowly got out of bed, considering John's offer heavily.

"What's in it for me?" Dave sighed.

"Spending the afternoon with a hot guy?" Dave rolled his eyes, not that John would have seen it anyways.

"I suppose I have to buy it right? You're out of a job or whatever? You're like piss poor now." John decided not to mention the fact that, no, he was not poor. He actually had quite the lump sum in the bank after saving all his funds from whoring. Buying one meal for him wouldn't kill Dave after all.

== Be the one suckered into paying.

All through the walk to the small diner, Jake wouldn't shut the fuck up. He rattled on about how much he missed one of his friends from the whore house and how funny he was. Apparently his name was Karkat and he was a "midget with a temper". Jake also included, to Dave's horror, that Karkat specialized in bondage. Dave just pursed his lips disgustedly and nodded, wanting this conversation to be over.

But upon Jake mentioning Karkat's "job", Dave found himself wondering about what Jake did. He didn't care much but he didn't know that there were "special whores" and this piqued Dave's curiosity. He silently hoped to God it wasn't anything even remotely related to Karkat's specialty. But shit, he didn't want to indulge the little bastard.

Don't do it man, it ain't worth it to ask. "Hey, so, Karkat does dom work, right? So then, what did you… ya know… what did you do?" Goddammit.

Jake snorted like that was the most hilarious thing he had ever been asked and replied with a wink and a frank, "I'll never tell." He had to make it complicated didn't he?

The conversation continued on painfully as the two finally reached the diner. Apparently Jake had decided on his own that this was a fuckin' buffet and ordered whatever he decided sounded good. Not wanting to go completely broke, Dave just ordered a coffee and some eggs.

As the food came, Dave noticed that Jake ate like it was his last meal. Maybe that's how it was with him? Dave certainly hoped not. He wouldn't wish starvation on anyone. He himself was freakishly skinny, with his bones jutting out at odd angles. But thankfully, he also managed to be muscular, with all the strifes that he and Bro had.

As Jake ate, Dave looked over Jake's physique. He had a strong jawline and his arms were slim but they looked like they were also strong. His torso and stomach were small and his waist was thin. He wondered how it could be that his arms were so nice but his upper body was not. The realization donned upon him and he nearly choked on his coffee, oh my god. He recovered quickly enough so that Jake didn't notice but oh my GOD. Dave made a mental list of all of the other explanations as to how his arms could be more muscular but all of the others seemed unrealistic. He settled on the idea that Jake lifted weights in his free time. Yeah, that sounded good.

The two finished up their meal and Dave paid while choking back a squeak. They then walked to McDonald's, figuring that they should pick something up for Bro. Damn, best brother award.

It still weighed on Dave's mind as to what Jake did in his time as a whore but he thought it best not to ask again.

== Be the one with a full stomach.

Oh man, that shit was good. Never underestimate the quality of a small diner, holy shit. John thought he might've gotten a teensy bit carried away and even pretended not to notice that Dave practically shat himself at the check, because that's just the kind of sweet person he is. He thanked Dave a few times for the meal but Dave kept brushing them off, saying it was nothing. John laughed to himself thinking, yeah right, but he decided not to say more.

He would never admit to it, but John had kind of planned to order an ungodly amount of food, just to see how much Dave would do for him. Did that sound pompous? Maybe. Oops.

But the important thing is that it totally worked. Dave still bought all of the food that John ordered and even bought him one of those shitty apple pies from McDonald's. What a sweetheart.

Although, John knew he couldn't keep bumming shit off of the Striders. They're nice enough, but they wouldn't stay that way if John kept mooching like he had been. And it would surely seem weird if John was to suddenly offer to pay senior Strider a fuckton of cash to let him stay. He would have to get another job. Sigh.

Even worse than a job would be having to tell senior Strider that he would be paying him back, and ever since that blowjob, Bro had been giving him the cold shoulder. What kind of a name was 'Bro' anyways? Maybe- hopefully- it was short for something. Bro…ck? It was a shot.

John dreadfully trudged towards the room at the end of the hall and prayed to the high heavens that he was fully clothed this time. His prayers were answered as he was called into the room with Bro sitting at his desktop with a spreadsheet open. Jesus, those were some big digits on his screen.

Bro gave John the "1 minute" sign, closed his spreadsheet, and turned to face John. Bro tented his fingers and looked at him, probably already knowing what he wanted. Whatever.

"You've probably already thought about kicking me out but could I stay here if I maybe pay rent?"

== Be the Donald Trump.

Bro Strider was the Donald Trump. It's him. Ironically, of course. As cute as it was that this little shit wanted to pay rent, it wasn't really necessary. That spreadsheet was all the proof anyone needed about how loaded the Strider family was. But it was in Bro's nature to not let an opportunity as beautiful as this be passed up.

"Well, kiddo, I don't need money, but I got another idea for you in mind."

"And what exactly would that be, Mr. Strider?"

"Well, the real purpose of you bein' here was so that virgin boy in the next room could finally get some action but it appears as though that sure as fuck ain't happenin'. An' that bein' the case, I can't bring anyone home because that's just not what a parental figure does." That was kind of ironic, of course. Parental figures also don't tape porn but Bro was being sort of sincere. "Anyways, I'm pent up all the time and it would be fuckin' prime if you would help me out." Bro was almost certain that this kid would give him a straight up no, but he didn't really have a choice. And that was just what Bro wanted.

"So, basically you're proposing that I suck your dick as my rent?" Damn, this kid didn't beat around the bush. But he had spunk, so Bro just nodded.

"Fine, if that's what you want." They agreed upon terms (there were none, Jake would be at his beck and call) and Jake left.

== Be the one in utter shock.

Did that really just happen? Yes.

What a horny motherfucker.