I'm sorry for the delay of this chapter. School sort of ate my life.
-x-x-x
-7-
"Stop doing that. You're acting spastic."
This is my daughter. I'm going to tell her something that will hurt her.
"Irina if you're not going to step out of that car…"
Alright, alright.
"Be ready to leave anytime." Irina ordered her driver as she reached for the door handle. She seems to be having more and more of this inner debate ever since she was transferred to sunny Greece.
"Yes, ma'am."
She stepped outside the car. The sunlight greeted her and the happy shouts of the children playing around the park drifted in her ears. The sky is so blue, the grass and the trees so green. She hasn't been in this kind of happy environment for a long time.
Irina took a deep breath. She could see Sydney, Vaughn and their little daughter by one of the picnic tables. They look so happy together.
I don't think I could do this.
"Leaving will only prolong your suffering."
Why do you think its going to be suffering?
"Oh, damn it, Irina. Just go to her!"
After a few minutes of inner struggle, she straightened her back and headed towards them.
Vaughn saw her first. His smile turned into a frown and he motioned to Sydney that she is here and to look at her direction.
"You can do this."
It took her eight months to physically recover from the thirty-three months of imprisonment she went through. Every single bruise, every single open wound and every single abrasion on her body disappeared bit by bit. However, her nightmares and sudden onsets of depressions haven't vanished at all.
Sydney gave the fussing Isabelle to her husband and met Irina halfway. She had been expecting her for a long time. When six months passed, she asked her father about it and he gave her a response of I-don't-know. Suddenly, the thought of seeing her mother again became impossible.
"Its going to be hard, but don't worry. I'm not going to leave you."
Irina kept her expression neutral since Sydney also has a neutral expression. How can she say this to her daughter? She already lost one because she wasn't able to find her. She'll probably lose this daughter because of the truth, but she's ready for it. She has, after all, lost her before.
"I've been expecting you." Sydney said in a formal tone.
"Then, I'm sorry if I was late."
Her daughter crossed her arms in front of her. She then discreetly looked around before looking at her mother again, "What was my role in our Thanksgiving play when I was six?"
Irina raised a brow. Didn't she ask that question to verify if Jack had tested Project: Christmas on her?
"You told me you were a turkey."
Sydney's face turned even more serious. It seemed that she had verified that this is her mother and not another clone. "Why now? Why not earlier?"
"I didn't want you to see me in a bad shape."
Why is it that her mother doesn't want to be seen in a weakened state? Will she lose her fierceness, her invulnerability, if her own daughter sees her in that way? "Why are you here?" Sydney asked.
Irina could see that Vaughn is playing with Isabelle while at the same time looking at their direction warily. It's not as if she's going to kidnap Sydney and shoot everyone in the park.
"I came here to… tell you something."
"Tell the truth."
Sydney tried hard to keep her face disinterested. Is her mother going to say goodbye?
Irina's heart began to beat faster. This is it; she's going to tell the truth, "I knew what my… clone said when you were in Vancouver and I'm afraid that, it was the truth."
"That's a pretty good start."
She took another deep breath and continued, "If I hadn't found a way back to myself, I'd probably be that woman you killed, Sydney. And the clone was right; I failed you as a mother because I wanted to be a good agent, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love you. However, I made a choice…"
She trailed off. Tears pooled in her eyes.
"… and I didn't choose you." Irina completed, "And for that, I am sorry."
How ironic that she said these in a place full of happiness and hope. She had put down her emotional defenses in front of a lot of strangers. She has nothing to gain from this (maybe except peace of mind) and she has everything to lose. She's standing in front of her daughter, stripped of her ambiguity and full of emotions that she's never seen before.
Sydney seemed conflicted on what to do. She couldn't run to Vaughn since she doesn't want to be seen as a coward by her own mother and her father isn't here to help her. The woman standing in front of her has the face of her enemy—the crazed woman who was trying to destroy the world. But she is also the very woman who carried her in her womb for nine months and was a loving and caring mother for six years. What is she going to do?
Irina stood in front of her daughter for a long time. She could feel some of the children staring at them, but she didn't give them a glance. Her eyes are concentrated on Sydney since she is waiting for an answer or a reaction.
Finally, she gave a resigned smile and shook her head. Sydney's not going to accept anything she said, because for one thing, why would a child accept the fact that her mother didn't prioritize her? No matter how long she waits, the reaction is not going to come.
"I better get going. Take care of your Isabelle." She said and turned away.
She didn't feel like a great burden has been lifted off her shoulders. Telling the truth is hard and it made her sad. Is it because she shattered Sydney's illusion of a woman conflicted of being both a KGB agent and a mother? She just told her daughter that she didn't choose motherhood.
"At least you could tackle what to tell Jack now. That's someone who actually wants to know what you've been doing for the past twenty-five years!"
Okay, okay. But what do I do after everything?
"Er… try to enjoy life?"
Her hand was reaching for the handle of the door when Sydney called her mother.
"Mom, wait."
Irina froze and slowly looked behind her. Is her daughter that forgiving? Maybe she has to tell her that she is a bad person. Sydney doesn't seem to believe that part about her.
"Mom… wait." Sydney repeated, "Don't leave yet."
She sighed and turned around, "Sydney, don't make me something that I am not." Irina said, "I'd like it better if you'd view me as a horrible person and a threat to your family because that's what I am. You've seen what I can do and you don't know the extent of what I can do-"
"But you have the capacity to care. I've seen you and know what you can do when you care." Her daughter pointed out, "Everyone has reasons for what they do. You're no different."
"Sydney-" did she sound exasperated?
"Mom, please." Her daughter said, "I want to know everything. Your clone already said that to me. I want to know the other… truths."
"You'll only get hurt."
"But you told me a while ago that I shouldn't make you something that you're not. I am not going to expect good things about the twenty-five years you've been gone."
Sydney has an earnest expression on her face. Irina felt drawn to surrender to her daughter's request, but still…
"Mom, I want to know."
She stared at Sydney. Should she give in? Or should she spare her daughter the details of her malevolent capabilities?
"Er, practice for Jack?"
Irina sighed, "Where do you want me to start?" she asked.
Sydney gave her a little smile, "Well, you could have lunch with us. And then you can start after that."
She felt a little shaken with her request, "Have lunch with you?"
"Yes. Vaughn's okay with it. And Isabelle can finally meet you…" her face conveys hope and Irina knows that her daughter will be stubborn about it.
A smile fluttered on her lips.
-x-x-x-
7/7
Epilogue to follow XD
