Everything she did was for him.

It saddens me sometimes to think about it. We used to be close but all the drama of the past year drove us apart, leaving us barely more then strangers. But I knew what went on in her heart; I noticed the way she used to look at him when she thought no one would notice.

I'm supposed to be Brooke's new best friend and am on her side by default. I see how much this is paining her and I'll always want to defend her, always want to support her. That doesn't mean I don't feel pangs for the one who's been shunned.

They were best friends. He drove them apart, unintentionally. He keeps thinking that things will look up, that they can all be friends. I know he'll always believe it'll turn out. He's always been an optimist, It's something I've always admired, but recently it makes me pity him. They will never all get along and now they're all almost broken up completely.

Brooke did the right thing, the strong thing. She was willing to raise her baby by herself because she knew what the news would do to him, what the responsibilities would do to him. He had lost so much, she knew that if she gave him the baby he would lose his youth and what morsel was left of his spirit. That's why I love her. She's more gracious than anyone else I know.

And he's so unseeing sometimes. He can't see that Brooke did it for him. He's still trying to woo her back. If I was allowed to voice my opinion, I would harshly make him stop. I know that if he tries to win Brooke back, she'll be easily won. That would only end up hurting her in the long run.

He's so unseeing. He does his best to make Brooke see how much he cares, and the girl I'm supposed to be indifferent to makes my heart hurt from looking at her. Peyton tries to help. Most other people would be working to worm themselves into a replacement position at the post break up scene, but Peyton has always wanted his happiness first. She did the same for Brooke, even if Brooke can't see it.

All she wants to do is love him and have him and all he can talk about is how to get her best friend back.

Silly Lucas.

Brooke hurts to see them together; Peyton hurts to be with him. If Lucas doesn't wake up soon, I'm going to have to do it for him.

Brooke can't have him. She can't. He will mean the best, of course, but he'll end up killing her. He doesn't see that he's bad for her. He doesn't see what Brooke sees and tried to ignore. He wasn't truly in love with her. He always believed he was, but his heart and his mind weren't on the same page. They never did think in the same vein or even feel with similarity.

He pushes away the one who does want him, who needs him and who'll do anything for him. The one he's been pushing away because he can't bear to open his eyes or his heart for fear of the truth they'll tell him. He wants to believe he can be with Brooke. If he just stopped for two minutes, he'd see that he's harming all three of them by holding this belief.

I'm supposed to be neutral, without a side. But I can't be. I want Brooke to be happy, and I know she won't be with him. Short term, maybe, but never long term. And above that, I can see that Peyton's better for him.

Things are really getting to me lately. I'm focussing on Lucas's love life because I can't look at my own.

I'm losing him.

Again.

Moments after our vow renewal, and I'm already losing him. I can't breathe just thinking about it. He's bored. I always was so scared he'd get bored but it didn't happen and the moment I let myself think it wouldn't happen, it does. I want to be there for him, but he's blocking me out. He wants a change.

I hate her. I hate her and by association I love Brooke a little less.

I hate her. She's taking him away from me and he's willing to go. Maybe it's a subconscious retribution for my leaving him, maybe it's his broken soul after nearly dying… or maybe he's just not in love with me.

If Lucas can't open his eyes and hold on to Peyton, every relationship in Tree Hill will have been extinguished.

Nathan doesn't love me anymore. It's not just insecurity.

Brooke's pregnant and leaning on me but God, I can't help anyone.

I've lost Luke to his girlfriends and he won't even pick the right one, for Christ's sake.

What's the point?

What's the point of making promises? Of hoping and dreaming and saying I love you?

Everything will go down the drain and leave you with no one and nothing, not even yourself.

Everyone is so blind. I'd do anything for Nathan to open his eyes and look at me the way he used to. I'd do anything to have gone another route to the airport because, selfishly, I'd rather have Nathan completely in love with me than Cooper and Rachel alive and ripping him from me.

They're like puppets.

Lucas and Peyton, I mean.

They both do what they think is right.

It's pathetic. They're not happy this way.

Peyton needs to be impolite and tell him- like I've done with that bitch.

Lucas needs to be less of a gentleman and be with her. If any Scott brother should have chilvary, it should be Nate. Lucas can be the selfish one, just let my husband love me again.

I'm not drunk.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I hate her.

I hate Peyton and Rachel and Brooke.

I hate Lucas and Nathan.

I hate how nobody is willing to be my wall. Love fails. Maybe I was their beacon of hope that love succeeds, but my love has failed. And Lucas always represented love in my mind but he's failing too.

I hate them all.

"Haley?"

"Peyton loves you, you idiot! Peyton loves you and Nathan doesn't love me and if one of us doesn't embrace the love we're all going to end up killing ourselves." I'm not drunk. I don't get drunk. I'm Haley frickin James Scott! "I'm not going to be a Scott for much longer. He hates me. She loves you, you idiot!" Why am I seeing Lucas in my hazy vision? I wonder if I passed out again. Maybe he's my conscience. That'd be rich.

Lucas stared at me in complete bewilderment.

"LOVE is a lie. He hates me. You won't see it. None of you know anything, do you? We go day by day being selfless and giving and all that crap. I'm sick of it. Sick. Of. It." It's not him anyways. It's safe.

"Haley, what the hell have you been doing?"

"He doesn't love me, Lucas. Do me a favour and actually tell Peyton you love her already. Seriously. Me and Nathan have enough drama as it is. He's leaving me for her." Oh, who cares if it's safe? I've lost. He's lost. We're all lost.

"Hales- calm down…"

"I am calm. He doesn't love me." It came out as a whimper. Lucas started towards me but I hit the ground before he could make it.

Blackness. Blackness. Blackness. Just like love.

We're all fucked up.

We're all gonna die alone.

It's not supposed to be like this…

This isn't happy. This isn't forever. This doesn't give me warm fuzzies.

But things are fading. I'm going to lose the ability to think before much longer. And I won't give a damn what repercussions come from my outburst. Maybe Nathan will wake up and love me again and realize that humping that whore isn't worth losing me. To hell with what will happen with Lucas and Peyton. To hell with this stupid, stupid world.

"Love sucks." I gasped out dully. I'm on the floor. Good-bye, tears. It's time to forget.

"Haley, come on!" Lucas called out.

Too late.

Drunk for the first time equates to no coming on for me.

Ha ha, world. You can screw us all over. I'm not sticking around to stew.

"Haley?" Oh, that's Nathan.

"No love." I shout madly.

"Haley..." Still Nathan. All soft and compassionate now.

"Oh, fuck, Haley!" Peyton.

"Was what she said true?" Lucas.

No more explanations. No more crying. No more consciousness.

And blackness.

Lost.

Take that.

I'm out for real now. On the floor, out cold. Barely breathing. Can I be thinking if I'm out cold?

Hmmm.

I guess n-...


AN: Totally random, I know. But the new season is here and it's ripping me up the way they're teasing us with Leyton and threatening to break up Naley and basically making me incredibly pissed off because we all know it'll take ages and ages for any happy Leyton and Naley and I can't stand another season of feeling freakishly anxious for the characters.

I have a proper Leyton in the works. I have No idea how long it'll take to come up.

This was quite possibly the most What the Fuck? thing I've ever written.

Thanks for the reviews, you guys rock. And now I'm leaving, hopefully I'll resurface soon