The judge slammed his gavel.
"The court has seen evidence from both sides, and has yet to reach a decisive conclusion" he explained.
"As already stated in my closing statement" Mawelyr began "all the evidence, despite its lack of decisiveness, points to the same thing!"
"AMAXING OWNS BOTH ONE PIECE AND NINTENDO!"
The judge nodded. "Yes, that would seem to be the case. Mr. Zolo? Your closing statement?"
Zoro nodded, and began.
"Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Mr. Mawelyr would certainly want you to believe that Amaxing owns One Piece and Nintendo. And they make a good case" he conceded" hell, I was almost convinced myself. But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one more thing I want you to think about."
Zoro held up a picture of a man with and Afro stuck in a treasure chest.
"This is Gaimon. Gaimon is a pirate, from some random island. Yet Gaimon lives on an island full of pig-lions and snake-rabbits! Now think about it…"
"THAT! DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!"
The courtroom buzzed with excitement.
BANG! BANG! BANG! "MR. ZOLO!" yelled Bell "EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"
Zoro smiled. He had them eating out of the palm of his hand. He continued. "Why would a pirate, a TWO-FOOT TALL PIRATE, want to live on an island with a bunch of freaky animals?"
"THAT! DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! But more importantly, what does that have to do with this case?" Zoro shook his head. "Nothing. It has nothing to do with this case, IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!"
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!"
"Look at me, I'm a lawyer representing Eiichero Oda and a major gaming company, and I'm talking about FREAKING GAIMON! Does that make sense? NO! IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!" He pointed his index finger. "NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! And so you have to think, when you're in that jury room, deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation… does it make sense? Ladies and gentleman of this supposed jury, IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!" He slammed his fist on the desk. "If Gaimon lives with pig-lions, you must acquit!" He sagged his head. "The defense rests."
You all knew it was coming eventually. It's just too absurd to put in a story, that's all.
And now to our originally scheduled program:
Nitonnec Courthouse, Defendant's lobby. 8/19. Five seconds before this chapter begins.
"GET AWAY FROM HER, STRAW HAT!" came a voice from the doorway.
Zoro whipped around and…
Nitonnec Courthouse, Defendant's lobby. 8/19. 2:13 pm.
… was assaulted by the overwhelming presence of one Commodore Smoker. He had no less than four cigars miraculously staying inside of his mouth, which was wide open in a furious yell. He made a move to attack Zoro, but Hina intervened.
"Smoker! Stop! It's not what you think!" she yelled.
Yeah… that makes it sound so much better…
"WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?" Smoker yelled. "HONEST MARINES ARE CHARGED WITH MURDER, PIRATES RUN FREE, AND…"
"SHHHHHHH!" hushed Hina. "You're going to ruin Hina's chances of being acquitted!"
"What…?" Smoker was obviously confused.
"This man… is Hina's defense attorney."
Smoker said nothing. He just stared menacingly at Zoro, not knowing whether to arrest him, kill him, or simply maul him.
"Um… hi" said Zoro, stretching out one hand to shake while slowly reaching for a sword with the other, "I'm Gorgon Zolo… Ace Attorney."
"Gorgon… Zolo?" Smoker's face shone with recognition, and he searched his mind for where he had heard the name before.
"You're… a defense attorney?" He finally asked.
"Well…" began Zoro.
"OF
COURSE HE IS!" defended Nami "WHY ELSE WOULD HE BE IN
COURT?"
"Then where's your badge?" Smoker asked,
matter-of-factly.
"Badge?" asked Zoro "You need a badge to be a defense attorney?"
"I suppose not…" Smoker conceded "but you have passed the bar, right?"
Silence.
"YOU! YOU'RE A FAKE!!" Smoker screamed, "WHY, I OUGHTA…"
"SMOKER!" yelled Hina. "STOP! This man got Hina an extension…"
"SO?" Smoker bellowed, pulling back an arm to throttle Zoro.
"…against Manson Mawelyr" she finished.
Smoker's arm stopped mid-throttle. He eyed Zoro warily. "You are Roronoa Zoro, are you not?" he asked.
"Yes" Zoro nodded, deeming it best not to lie.
"But you are also… Gorgon Zolo?"
"Yes."
"And you just stopped Manson Mawelyr from getting a guilty verdict in one day?"
"Yes."
I hate this! I feel like a broken record… I feel like I'm repeating myself for no reason… I never got the impression that Smoker could be this slow!
Smoker stood for a minute, his eyes closed; one could see the gears turning in his mind. He opened his eyes. "You two will have lunch at my expense, and you will report immediately to my ship when you are finished, understood?"
"Hey! Wait!" started Zoro "since when do you…"
"FREE LUNCH?" cheered Nami "Sounds great to us, see you later Smoky!" She dragged Zoro out of the room.
"Hey! No! Stop! OBJECTION! OBJECTION! I said OBJECTION! You're supposed to quake in fear and be moved by every word! OBJECTION!"
Chez Nitonnec. 8/19. 2:35 pm.
"Why are we doing what he says?" asked Zoro. "Since when do we listen to marines? Do you realize this could be a trap? Are you even thinking…"
"Shush!" hushed Nami. "I make it a rule never to turn down a free lunch, and if this turns out to be a trap, you can sue him for fraud!"
"More like he can sue us for fraud, since we're not really lawyers!"
"GORGON! RENO!!" came yells from nearby (guess who).
Django and Fullbody burst into the restaurant, waving and yelling frantically. They stopped, looked over the scene, and suddenly became awkwardly silent.
"Oh… we're sorry…" said Fullbody nervously.
"We hope we're not…interrupting… anything…" said Django.
"What? OH! NO!" said Nami quickly "No, it's nothing like that…"
"Yeah!" helped Zoro "we're only here because we don't have to pay for it…"
"I know exactly what you mean" Django nodded, holding a finger to his nose. "Anyway! We just though we'd drop in and say hi! We can't stay long though!"
"We have to go see our Hina-Chan and give her thiiiiiiiiis!" Fullbody waved around a piece of black rope.
"A piece of rope?" asked Nami.
"It's Hina-Chan's most valued possession!" Django smiled. "Hopefully, if we return it to her, one of us will get to…"
"You mean I'll get to…" butted Fullbody.
"No, I'll get to!" argued Django.
"ME!"
"NO,
ME!"
"DANCE-OFF, BABY!" Then they were off, dancing an
argumentative aria to their adverse animosity.
"I hate to break it to you guys…" began Zoro "but a rope is considered a weapon… and weapons aren't allowed in prisons…"
The two slumped over, depressed. "But… it's Hina's most valued possession!" pleaded Fullbody.
"Well, you know what they say; 'the law is reason-free from passion'" Zoro said, thinking he was quoting Mawelyr while in reality quoting Aristotle.
"But it's Hina's most valued possession!" pleaded Django.
"Give us the rope," demanded Nami.
"But it was given to Hina by Aet…"
"NOW!
"Oh…"
Hina's rope: It's a length of black rope, frayed at the ends. It's made up of three individual strands wrapped tightly together. Why is this getting put down in an evidence-style slot? It's a lot easier to work into the story than describing it in-text, that's why.
"Well… now that our purpose in life has been taken away…" began Django.
"We'll just leave now…" finished Fullbody.
HOLD IT!
(Could I have done that differently? Yes. But doing it this way is cooler).
"Actually, I've been meaning to ask you guys some things" interjected Zoro.
"Only if it'll help Hina-Chan!" they both stated.
"It's to help Hina-Chan."
"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CALL HER HINA-CHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!" they screamed.
Zoro sighed. Why are the people I work with such idiots?
"You'd better not be including me in there," scolded Nami.
Oh, you're not an idiot, you're just a pain in the…
"LANGUAGE!"
…neck. At least let me finish my thoughts before reading them, ok?
"Fine…"
Django and Fullbody stared at Nami with looks of concern; they had, to their knowledge, just watched the woman talk to herself, and were afraid that schizophrenic lunatics were defending their darling Hina-Chan.
"Don't mind her, she's just crazy" said Zoro, meriting a smack from Nami. "Were you guys at the dance festival yesterday, per chance?"
"Of course we were!" cried Django.
"And we were the best dancers there, of course!" added Fullbody.
"Though there was that one guy with the goggles and the bag…" remembered Django.
"Yeah! HE was the greatest!" laughed Fullbody.
Usopp has to be good at something, I suppose…
"Did you, by any chance, see a figure in a long cloak and hood run by?" asked Zoro.
Django thought. "I didn't see anyone like that… did you, baby?"
"Well…" Fullbody scratched his head, then gasped in pain when the metal scratched his skin "that witness guy, Bell something, he was wearing a cloak…"
"Belabor?"
"YEAH! He was wearing a cloak!" Fullbody said triumphantly.
"No wonder he lied…"
"Not so fast there, Zoro" Nami warned, "A cloak does not a killer make."
"Yeah, but in my experience, a cloak and a testimony full of holes do."
"Experience? What experience?"
"Good point."
"Anything else?" asked Django hopefully.
"I don't think so…" began Zoro.
But Nami gasped, and had a sudden flashback.
-Flashback-
"Well, if you weren't running away from the scene, then why were you at the judge's house?" asked Zoro curiously.
"Hina…" she looked down "Hina cannot say."
-End Flashback-
"HOLD IT!" yelled Nami. She looked disappointed. "Why wasn't mine bolded?" she demanded.
"13th century sexism?" Zoro offered.
"Whichever. ANYWAY! You guys were there when Hina was arrested, so you knew that she'd be at the judge's house, right?"
"Yup!" Fullbody. "Our darling Hina-Chan may pretend not to like us… but she always lets us know where she's going so we can follow her!"
Stalk much?
"Do you know why she went to the judge's house that night?" Nami asked hopefully.
Django and Fullbody were silent for a moment. They exchanged glances, as if daring the other to speak first.
There was silence.
-
There was more silence.
-
-
There was even more silence.
"OK, SOMEBODY SPEAK OR I'M GOING ONI-GIRI ON YOU BOTH!" yelled Zoro.
"WE DON'T KNOW ALL THE DETAILS!" spurted Django.
"WE ONLY KNOW THAT IT HAD TO WITH THAT CASE!!" splurted Fullbody.
"What case?" demanded Zoro, "Are you telling me that all the events of this trial tie back to a previous case I've never heard of?"
"Maybe… but that would be too convenient, wouldn't it?" smiled Django.
"Yeah…" shrugged Zoro "I was just hoping."
"We only call it 'that case' because that's what Hina-Chan called it" Fullbody recalled.
"Hold on!" said Django. "Hina-Chan left us a memo about it! I'll moonwalk back to the ship and get it from my hope chest!"
Ten Minutes later
"…and that's the reason why I have pink hair" concluded Fullbody.
"What a horrible misusage of pickle juice and bee pheromones!" commented a shocked Nami.
"Whoever thought frogs could be used for such a horrible purpose?" added Zoro.
"I'M BACK!" yelled Django, bursting through the doors of the restaurant. "Here you go Mr. Gorgon Zolo!"
Hina's Memo: 'Hina is going to meet with Judge Thomas at 9:00. You may come to the gates, but Hina must ask you to stay outside. And no, Hina will not go out with either of you.'
"SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" they both cooed.
Control yourselves, please; people are eating.
"Thanks" said Zoro, tucking the memo into his… um… (A/N: Does he have pockets? You can't really tell, you know? Ah well) pocket. "I guess we'll be going now."
"OH! One more thing!" Django said as they left. "Detective Spade said that the body's been moved and everything's been checked out… so you can go see the crime scene if you want to!"
"That's great!" said Nami. "Maybe we'll find some clues and actually start making sense of this case!"
"Don't hold your breath" remarked Zoro.
"Can't you be optimistic for once in your life?"
"That's Luffy's job, not mine."
"Fair enough."
Nitonnec Library, Reading Room. 8/19. 3:26 pm.
"Was it really just this morning that we were here last?" mused Nami.
"I know what you mean… it feels like weeks," muttered Zoro.
"What are we looking for, exactly?"
"Don't ask me, you were the one who said there'd be clues here."
"But you're the lawyer! You're supposed to be good at this kind of thing!"
I think society has a somewhat distorted view of what a lawyer is…
"Well, let's approach this scientifically! What do we need to know that we can find out by looking at this room?"
"Well…" Zoro thought for a minute. "I think it'd be worth our time to check the window, maybe the killer left something behind."
"Do you think the police would miss something?"
"Yup" Zoro said succinctly, reaching up to the corner of the window and pulling out a short length of rope that had been caught between the window and it's frame.
"Gives you a lot of confidence in the police, huh?" quipped Nami.
"It's only the 13th century, cut them some slack."
Rope Segment: Found at crime scene. Frayed at one end. Black. Made of three tightly intertwined strands. Sounds oddly familiar.
"That does sound oddly familiar…" mused Nami, agreeing with the evidence entry.
"I don't want to say this…" Zoro shook his head "but it looks exactly like Hina's 'most prized possession'…"
"Please tell me that the frayed ends don't fit together perfectly…"
Zoro compared the two ends.
"They might… I can't really tell though," he admitted.
"You're useless, you know that?"
"HEY! Who got us an extra day, huh?"
"Usopp."
"WHAAAAAAAAAT??"
"Kidding! Just wanted to see you freak out."
"I'll freak you out…" Zoro muttered.
"IF YOU DO ANYTHING DIRTY WITH NAMI-SAN I'LL MURDER YOU, YOU STUPID MARIMOOOOOOOOOO!!" came Sanji's voice from afar.
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" Zoro yelled back.
"O… OK!" came Sanji's voice.
"You know, some running gags should be drug out into the street and shot," commented Nami.
I agree completely thought Zoro, knowing perfectly well that Nami had heard it.
"Something seems a bit odd to me…" mused Zoro, returning to the plot with almost no transition whatsoever.
"What is it?"
"Well… if Judge Hamilton was going to meet with Hina at 9:00, why was he here, on the other side of town, only half an hour before the meeting?" Zoro shook his head. "He wasn't exactly a thin man… I doubt he could make the trip in the twenty-one minutes Mawelyr claims is average…"
"Maybe he didn't want to pay any late fees on his books?" offered Nami.
"Maybe…" Zoro searched the room. He looked at the body outline, and then pictured the crime scene in his mind. "The body fell like that… so he must have turned around when he saw the killer approaching… which means he was probably sitting… there." He pointed to a small reading table on one end of the room. He moved the table, searching for something, anything to help him get a better bearing on the case. He smiled. Sticking out of a ventilation hole in the floor was a manila file.
"This must have been what he was reading" he mused.
"Wow Zoro! Almost like you knew what you were doing!"
"Gee, thanks," said Zoro, placing a hand behind his head. He looked at the file. The top of it read, in small handwritten letters, 'Trinity Affair'. "It's empty!" Zoro remarked, looking inside. He sighed, and tucked the file into his pocket. "So much for that…"
"I wonder what the 'Trinity Affair' is…" mused Nami.
"If I had to take a guess, I'd say it's 'that case,'" Zoro offered.
"HEY! That… is actually a logical deduction!"
"Elementary, my dear Nami."
"Yeah, whatever Sheer Luck Holmes."
IT'S OVER!
We've decided to break the investigation phase up into multiple chapters. Why? Because… it's late. And I'm tired. What will happen next? What deep-rooted, past events are affecting the destinies of those who live in the present? And are you seriously telling me that the plot for this story has been thought out? Well… no… I guess I'm telling you… review, or you will suffer the wrath known as 'ahbjecsheeen'!!
