hey, we're really stoked that so many of you have seen the legend of billie jean. oh, and in case you were wondering- it's not available on dvd omg.
it's a do-or-die situation, we will be invicible. –pat benatar
Being a group of motherfucking outlaws required a few necessary rules and changes.
Spray paint the van… once a freaking day, which of course meant we had to steal spray paint all the damned time. You'd be amazed at how many Mom and Pop hardware stores there are. You really would. Someone would go in and buy one can… and then Emmett would steal the rest. Yeah, they were always locked up, but as long as you sent Rosalie in to flirt with whatever minimum wage earning guy was working, he'd get distracted enough to stop paying attention to the lock on the spray paint cage.
We could've bought them, I guess. But we didn't. Because spray paint is fucking expensive in bulk, and because… it kind of defeated the purpose of spray painting the van at all.
We very rarely all got out of the van together, and never in the daylight. Unless, of course, we were on a long stretch of deserted road, which actually happened a lot. You'd think with all of that alone time where it was just us and our thoughts that we'd actually, I dunno, analyze what we were doing.
I can't say that I speak for everyone else, but I knew I was decidedly not analyzing what I was doing. Maybe for the first time ever. It felt kind of… well, not good. But certainly not bad. Maybe just freeing.
At any rate, it was decided that we'd avoid the highways at all costs, whenever we possibly could. It's not like we were driving out of our way or anything. We had nowhere in particular to be.
Jasper thought we'd end up in Brazil at some point. Maybe when the media gave up on us, we'd just hop on a plane.
No one would extradite a group of kids back to the U.S. for ripping off gas stations, and Jasper "knows a guy" who specializes in "papers."
I liked that idea, because then my name could be Simone de Beauvoir Francesca Petite.
Emmett wanted to be Nacho Guevara.
Edward thought we should work on less conspicuous names.
But all that was ahead of us because right then, we were working on a pharmacy heist.
We were in the now green van in a parking lot of some tiny, run down, Podunk pharmacy, waiting for a little old lady in a '78 Cadillac to actually leave the parking lot, so we were certain no one else was inside.
"What the hell is she doing? Step on it, Granny Clampett!" Emmett shouted, his knee hitting the steering wheel as it bobbed in anticipation.
When she finally pulled out at .003 miles per hour, Emmett nodded to Rosalie, who grabbed a few bucks from the Cubs hat.
"Okay, Rosie. We're waiting five minutes. If it's a dude at the counter, Jasper will be in seven minutes after you have him distracted. If it's a chick, come out within the five minutes, and we'll send Pretty Young Thing in to seduce her."
"Got it," Rosalie said, yanking her shirt down to expose her faux but really nice cleavage. Our Alice had fished deep into the recesses of her bag and produced a small necklace with a big purple pendant on it. When she fastened the necklace around Rosalie's neck and we all stood back to admire the effect, Emmett had patted Our Alice on the head and said, "Today's gold star goes to the little mute for special effects. I didn't think it was possible to make them puppies look any bigger, but I'm very glad to be proven wrong. Kudos."
We watched Rosalie sashay into the store, her hips swaying and her chin high. I must say, I was really starting to like that blonde.
"You think she'll do okay?" Jasper asked.
"She's got this," Emmett said, his eyes still on the door. "She's a born hustler."
Four minutes later, Rosalie hopped back in the van. She dropped a crisp copy of Busty and Bare on Emmett's lap and he stared up at Rosalie.
"I had to buy something," she shrugged.
"I'm in love with you," he said.
"I know. So listen," Rosalie said, turning around to face the rest of us. "It's a chick, mid-twenties and an easy con. Edward will have her wet and oblivious in two minutes flat."
"Okay, let's go," Jasper said, reaching for the handle on the sliding door.
"There's a problem," Rosalie said. "The pills are behind this gate thing. I couldn't spot any keys, so they must be on her. It's too risky for Edward to feel her up, pull the keys and somehow hand them off to Jasper. And Jasper's hand won't fit through the gate. But Bella's would."
Edward looked over at me and I nodded slowly.
"Okay," I said simply. Because really, it'd be the same as Jasper going in. We're all together in this.
Our Alice leaned over the seat and took my face in both of her hands and looked me in the eye very seriously.
"Jasper."
"You're welcome, Alice," I said.
Edward slid the door open and reached behind himself for my hand. He pulled me out and our hands stayed together and we walked, shoulder to shoulder across the lot.
Edward side-eyed me and half smiled, and I squeezed his hand.
"Don't be nervous," he said. "Nothing will happen to you."
"You got my back?" I snorted.
"All of you."
He shook my hand off of his and quickly put his arm around my neck and pulled me in so that his lips were at my temple, but the whole time he looked ahead to the building.
"You're going to wander down an aisle and when I have her away from the counter, hop over it, grab what we need, and get out. Don't wait for me."
"Okay," I whispered, but I don't know why I whispered. It felt like I should. Like we had a little conspiracy, just between the two of us.
"Okay. Be cool and be good, Bella."
"You be good." He laughed softly and loosened his hold on me, but not really.
So, we had a plan. It sounded okay, and he took me off guard with all his closeness and whispering and intense confidence, so I was just going with it.
We walked in and Edward strode to the counter, leaving me in the first aisle of uneven shelves. I stared dumbly at mouthwash and boxes of outdated band-aids, all covered in bright green price stickers and a thick layer of dust.
I peeked through the rickety shelves and watched as Edward approached the counter.
"Hi there," the blonde behind the counter said. She was good-looking in this skanky barfly Podunk town kind of way. "Here for a pick up?"
Edward smiled and looked her up and down, even leaning over the counter to get a full look, like a brazen, horny, hot, cool sex man.
What the hell?
"Come here," he said.
Come here? Seriously? That was the smooth con line I had to work with? "Come here"?
Then I rolled my eyes when it actually worked. She came around the counter and leaned an elbow against it, with her hips angling out toward Edward.
"You know, I didn't mean this kind of pick up," she said.
"Do you mean it now?" he asked, and he tugged at the bottom of her shirt.
"Well. 'Pick up' generally denotes some kind of ride," she said, and he yanked her closer.
This was just fucking ridiculous.
Edward grabbed her hand and he walked forward while she was a step behind him. Behind the shelves I flipped his shit-eating grin the bird.
They disappeared down an aisle and I tiptoed to the counter and used the little half door she had just come out of.
I looked on my palm where I had scrawled the names of Our Alice's prescriptions and hoped to God they'd all be reachable and here.
My heart pounded and above the pulse in my ears I could hear giggling and Edward's low voice. Not a whisper, really; his voice was just loud enough so that I could hear him, so that he could let me know I was still in the clear.
I spotted one of the names of the pills and stuck my hand through the grate. I had to really shove and wiggle my wrist around a little, and I knew my skin would be raw, but I couldn't feel anything through the adrenaline rush. I worked my other hand in and once both of my hands were through, the rest of my arms slid right in and I gathered up everything I could reach, grabbing with one hand, holding with the other.
I managed to grab and find all three, and then I got excited and a little bit impressed with myself and then… I got sloppy.
My hand knocked over a box of inhalers.
I froze, listening, my eyes squeezed shut.
I heard Edward's voice, slow and calm as my chest tightened and my knees went weak. I tried to slowly and quietly pull out my hands.
And they were fucking stuck.
"No. No no no no," I whispered, jerking my hands back.
Then I heard their footsteps and I started to sweat and really panic. I got my hands up to the wrists and managed to fling the pill bottles out of the fucking cage and onto the floor. Screw not making noise.
This jig was up. I jerked my arms, on the verge of tears and frustration, and finally they pulled out, but my skin caught a jagged edge on the way.
There was immediate blood. At least a two-inch slice.
"What the hell?" a female voice asked.
I turned around, tucking my hemorrhaging hand under my chin.
Edward and the pharmacy girl were staring at me.
"Sorry," I mouthed to Edward.
"Dammit," he uttered, and quickly pushed open the half door and picked up the pills from the floor.
"What the hell is… I knew you looked familiar," the pill lady said, pointing at Edward. "You're the Youth in Revolt kid!"
He grabbed my free hand and led us back around the counter, and then he stopped to kiss her cheek.
"Then you should've known I'm a fucking minor," he said, like he was disgusted with her antics.
He dragged me down the center aisle, and he barely slowed his pace when he picked up a box of gauze and the dusty band-aids and one of those mini sewing kits.
We walked out where the van was, just in front of the exit, the sliding door already open for us. I hopped in first and Edward jumped in after me, rolling and slamming the door shut behind us.
"Go. Fast," Edward told Emmett.
"What the hell happened?" Rosalie asked, squatting between the driver and passenger seats.
"I got stuck."
"Swan and her man hands," Emmett muttered, squealing the tires as we pulled out much too fast.
"You get them?" Jasper asked and Edward tossed the pill bottles one by one back to Jasper.
Our Alice launched across the seat and kissed my cheek, then threw her arms around Edward's neck.
I gawked when he actually hugged her back, but she quickly did her scurry thing and flopped back over the seat to Jasper.
I held my hand under my chin, trying not to think about it or look at it, but it was becoming impossible because I could feel the blood starting to trickle down my chest.
Edward braced one hand on the back of the passenger seat and used his other to dig underneath the seat.
"We need to take care of that," Rosalie said, gesturing to my hand.
"Do we risk an E.R.?" Jasper asked from the back.
Just then Edward straightened up, producing a bottle of vodka from under the seat. He opened the top and took a big gulp, then another.
"Nope," he said to Jasper, then handed me the bottle. "You're gonna want some of that."
I eyed both Edward and the bottle with skepticism. "I don't think this is going to help my current situation, buck-o." He shook his head and I had another retort, but it was cut off when Edward held up the sewing kit.
So, I took the bottle from his hand and choked down a sip. He reached out and pried my forearm out while I really tried to protest.
"Don't look," Edward muttered, and he held up my hand to his face. I held the vodka against my chest and couldn't not look. "Do you want to try a hospital? We can."
The van slowed, and Emmett looked at me over his shoulder. I felt Our Alice playing with the ends of my hair behind me and Jasper rested his chin on the low seat and nodded.
"No. I… just… do it," I said, then took another drink. The liquor felt bad, possibly worse than the pain in my hand. Burning down my throat and sitting in my stomach, like there was a lake on fire inside my body. At least the hand felt like the fire was going out. Then I looked at the blood, my blood, bright and smeared on my arms and Edward's pants, and I felt the vodka coming back up. I choked it back and took another swig. Nodding, I handed the bottle back to Edward.
"Okay," he said. "You know I have no idea what I'm doing, right?"
"I know."
He took another drink, then handed it back to me. Using his teeth to rip open the cellophane package of the sewing kit, he gingerly put my hand palm-up on his knee.
"How hard can it be?" he said quietly to himself, and maybe if it were anyone else, I would've said no. But if there's one thing that I know to be true about Edward, it's that he can do just about anything. "Emmett, if you could avoid major potholes and dirt roads, that'd be super awesome." My diction was a little sloppy, and I wondered if that were due to blood loss or blood alcohol.
The van slowed and again, Edward took the bottle back from me and took another drink.
"Don't get wasted before poking me!" I shouted.
"If I had a dollar-"
"Stop it."
"Relax," Edward said, taking a deep breath and assessing my hand. Very slowly, he poured a tiny stream of vodka on my hand, and I was pretty sure I was going to die from the pain. He gave me a grim grin before unraveling some thread out. He dipped it into the bottle, then made to pour some out on the needle.
"Give it here," Rosalie commanded. She was pumping hand sanitizer into her hands and after she finished rubbing it in, she stuck her hand out. Edward gave her the needle without question and watched as she deftly poured some vodka into the cap and dipped the needle into it; she reached into Edward's shirt pocket and pulled out his lighter, flicking it on and holding the tip of the needle to the flame. I was mesmerized by the small rasp as the vodka caught fire. Or maybe I was just losing all of my life's blood as it leaked out onto Edward's knee and making me light-headed.
"Done this before?" Edward murmured, incredibly enough, with amusement.
Rosalie looked at him like he was a puppy that just soiled her brand new carpet and said, "Sanitizer. Wash your hands." He complied without further comment, watching as she laid out the gauze and band-aids with her free hand. Our Alice silently handed her a roll of white hospital tape that I'm assuming she pulled from her cavernous bag. Rosalie smiled, tossing the box of old band-aids behind her. She took the tape and added it to the line of supplies, and I had to wonder if the girl (woman, whatever) had had any sort of medical training.
She did a sort of mental checklist of her supplies and sighed heavily. Then, after eyeing Edward up and down, she said, "Good to go." He nodded, and she finally handed back the needle.
The needle.
I tried not to vomit.
"Hey. You trust me?" Edward asked, but he wasn't looking at me. He was threading the needle with steady hands and focused eyes.
"I have absolutely no reason to."
"That's not what I asked," he said, and then I screamed when I felt the needle slide through my skin.
My feet stomped and my ass lifted from the seat, but his grip on my hand kept it from moving too much. Despite everything… I knew he wasn't going to let go.
"Keep still, Bella," he said, his voice low and his face calm. Serene, even.
"Fuck you! Fuck you! I can't— oh my gosh! Hail Mary full of grace— what in the ever loving— what did I ever do to—"
Jasper came up and wrapped one arm around my chest from behind, and I wasn't entirely sure the hug was to keep me still.
"You can bite my arm if you need to," he whispered into my ear.
"Easy, chief," Edward said, then he breathed in through his nose and leaned forward.
Another needle prick.
I bit Jasper's arm and cried out.
Emmett turned the stereo up and Rosalie bit her lip.
I kicked the back of Emmett's seat and Edward's fingers shifted my hand and I felt the thread pull me back together.
"Shhh… okay," Edward was saying. "Be still… Bella, be still. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered, all the while sewing away like he was fucking Tom Ford or something.
Jasper started to rock us back and forth and I just closed my eyes and let him. After awhile, really bad pain set in but the tugging stopped, and I felt Edward putting the gauze on and heard the scriiiiiiiick as Our Alice's tape was pulled out. A couple more tugs and then my arm was gently lowered from Edward's knee.
"Done," he finally said.
I opened my eyes and wiped away the tears that I hadn't realized were flowing down my cheeks. Jasper let me go and kissed the back of my head before flopping back to the floor of the van.
"It really wasn't so bad," I said, then hiccupped. I felt the burn of vodka and stomach acid in the back of my throat. I looked around for something, anything to drink, and Rosalie handed me a bottle of Arrowhead. I thanked her with my eyes and swigged with my left hand, the other hand. It felt weird and wrong, but there was no way I was going to use my surgery hand for a while.
"Fuck," Edward said, then turned quickly and banged on the door. He looked like I felt a minute ago.
"Stop! Stop, Emmett!" I shouted.
He slammed on the breaks and Edward flung the door open then leaned out and puked.
A lot.
Without a word, I got up to squat next to him, and handed him my Arrowhead. He shook his head and swiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Jasper passed over the vodka bottle and he accepted that one with a miserable nod. He took it and rinsed his mouth twice, spit, and shut the door.
"You pussy," Emmett sighed, and we were off again.
Edward leaned back in the seat, his face flushed and his hair a little sweaty. I pulled him down so his head was in my lap and he took my sewn hand and wrapped it up in his arms without ever opening his eyes.
