Tatewaki Kuno: The following is a fan-written parody. Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. Please support the official release. So, the fiend's Master is this Takahashi? I shall destroy them!
The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!
I know you like to think your shit don't stink, but… (Part 2)
I am altering the story. Pray that I do not alter it any further.
[7.]
A couple days ago, not long after Akane and Ranma had decided on going steady, Hiroshi and Daisuke approached and asked him why he didn't like that Kodachi girl.
Ranma explained to them that as he and Akane were on good terms and living under the same roof, it would be bad for him to respond to the other woman's affections.
When asked if Ranma liked that two attractive women were fighting over him, Ranma replied that just one of them was attractive.
When Daisuke asked then why didn't he like Kodachi if he thought she was cute Akane punched Daisuke in the dick.
Since the challenge had been made, Kodachi had struck no less than twenty-five times in attacks ranging from an impromptu ribbon attack walking to school, to a barrage of clubs while visiting Doctor Tofu, to even infiltrating their Buffet of Solitude and lacing Akane's favorite dish with enough sleeping poison to put her out for an entire spring.
"This is Akane's fight, not mine. This is Akane's fight, not mine," Ranma reminded herself for the nth time today as she made her way home from the market.
Akane had requested some taiyaki and didn't trust Kasumi, Nabiki, and especially her own Father to make the trip without being intercepted by Kodachi. Thus, it fell on Ranma to be the delivery girl. She didn't mind this; she could avoid Kodachi in this form.
As she reached the dojo, she found Kodachi loitering about the entrance as Akane trained armed with a… wait, what the hell was that thing in the bag?
Walking over, she examined the object before looking over to Kodachi who had been in the middle of a delusional soliloquy about how Ranma was a prisoner within the Tendo home, at the mercy of Akane and her vile, miserly older sister–abused and longing for emancipation at the hands of Kodachi–when Ranma caught her attention.. "Say, what do you have there?"
Kodachi didn't look back at her. "Oh, you mean these? It is my ultimate weapon against Akane Tendo, one that she is powerless to resist."
"Powerless, you say? It must be something else," Ranma said.
She watched Kodachi nod, and then counted the seconds in her head before the other girl whirled around to face her in surprise. "Yo."
"Pigtailed wretch…!" The ribbon was out in a flash, with Ranma narrowly avoiding it with a stellar leap onto the edge of the roof before springing away to evade another strike that removed a few shingles.
Landing, she hopped around a few more bullet-like shots before landing up on the wall.
"You're not too quick, are you?" she taunted Kodachi from her perch before she produced a taiyaki and took a bite out of it.
"What are you doing here, trollop?"
"I live here." Ranma by this point had expected the response, but nevertheless groaned as she jumped to avoid the club Kodachi whipped at her.
"Are you as well dearest Ranma's oppressor?!" she yelled as she struck again.
Ranma evaded the blows while taking bites out of her taiyaki. God, this chick was terrible.
"As sure as the dew glistens upon the unfolding rose at first light, I shall strike you down!" Kodachi vowed
"That's a lot of flowery talk, just like your stupid brother," she ribbed back.
Kodachi tensed. She didn't expect she'd have to defeat two rivals today. This pigtailed girl was becoming an irritant, and she dares speak ill of her love for dearest Ranma? She growled and reached into the cloth bag she carried. She'd have to do it now, before Akane was drawn into the battle.
Too late, the bamboo screen door slid open, and Akane stepped onto the porch. "Ranma, what the heck is going on out-" She saw Kodachi.
"Oh, it's you. I don't like you."
"This is my chance!" Kodachi reached into her back and whipped something out of it at Akane before Ranma could intercept. "Consider it courtesy of my brother, Akane Tendo!"
Akane caught the clothes thrown at her, and looked at it. "What the hell?"
Kodachi grinned as Ranma turned to face her. "Akane, put it down, Kodachi probably drugged it!"
"Oh no, there is no need for any of that. Surely you're feeling the effects now, the unbearable, primal urges that such a pungent, masculine aroma elicits," Kodachi taunted.
Akane looked at the white cloth, and then began to grow pale. "W-what are these things?"
"Why… they're my older brother's unmentionables, bathed in his pheromones and essence," Kodachi mentioned as a matter of fact.
Akane's horrified scream could be heard through the ages, and into infinity.
Three hours later, Ranma was male and lounging in the dojo. Akane had spent the last three hours in the shower alternating between sobbing and viciously scrubbing. Frankly he could not blame her, the very idea of touching anything that'd been that close to Kuno's junk made him want to scrub off a layer of skin too. Shame Akane was using up all the hot water.
The door opened and then shut, and Ranma looked over to Akane. She was wearing the leotard that she would face Kodachi in, and her long hair was done up in a high ponytail, the overall package was quite a sight for Ranma's weary (of Kodachi) eyes. "Wow, Akane you look great."
Akane had entered with the intention of beginning another training session, but Ranma's compliment made her pause for a moment. Her whole body grew warm, and she smiled. "Thanks, Ranma…" She focused. "… Come on, I want to train."
Ranma hopped to his feet. "All right, what do you want to work on? More ribbon work, clubs?"
"I think I've picked up enough on each to try using them together since the match is tomorrow." Akane picked up a trio clubs and began juggling them. She really had come along. "What do you say?"
Ranma nodded. "Sure, let's do that."
Catching one of the clubs Akane suddenly threw it at Ranma, who twisted and leaned to the side to avoid it. She was on him, swinging the clubs gracefully like she was in a Wushu flick double wielding swords.
Matching her movements, Ranma stayed just outside the path of her blows; before he picked up the club she'd thrown and used it to parry her strikes. Akane immediately sprang into a back flip that turned into an inverted spin she used to throw her remaining clubs at him.
"Whoa!" Ranma deflected the two clubs, losing his in the process, before Akane's ribbon lashed out and wrapped around his arm. Immediately he solidified his stance and tried to yank her towards him, and nearly received a hoop to the face for his trouble.
He leaned back to avoid it, and looked above to find Akane descending with the ribbon baton and another club aimed for his face like a pair of daggers.
Springing into a quick flip back, Ranma caught the ring as Akane drove the two weapons into the floor where he had been, and swung it around and around, first high (she ducked under it) and then low (she flipped over it), cutting the ribbon off his arm in the process.
He held the hoop with his palms flat against the insides as Akane struck again with the club, the hoop deflecting the projectile before Ranma stretched it out and released it like a rubber band, sending it hurtling at her to force her to back off.
Akane let out a "Ha!" as she deflected the weapon with a chop and lashed back out with the shortened ribbon, the strikes coming off even faster than Kodachi's.
Still, this is Ranma Saotome, and he made short work of evading her attacks before jumping onto a wall and springing over her to her other side.
She turned to face him. "I'm not even breaking a sweat."
Ranma couldn't help but be a little distracted. Akane's form was really good despite her amateur status; he couldn't keep his eyes off her for that and other reasons. "Then we need to work harder! Double time, Akane!"
"Okay!" She lunged in to the attack.
From outside the dojo, the soft movements and heavy impacts of the two and their weapons about the inside of the building gradually grew louder, a definite violence and intensity joining the increased velocity of their training. In the kitchen Kasumi was glad that her Father and Genma were out; they'd probably be ruining the bonding going on between the two of them. Speaking of people ruining it…
"Nabiki-chan whatever you're thinking, don't do it," she warned her younger sister without even looking from her tea.
Behind her, Nabiki stopped, camera in her hand, and looked over to Kasumi.
"Come on-"
"No."
Nabiki turned around and grumbled as she headed back upstairs. "So much for the Leotard Collection…"
"Faster!" Ranma called out as he narrowly avoided another ribbon strike.
Akane let out a yell and whipped her arm so fast it became like a blur, the ribbon with it; the sound of the gymnastics prop sailing past his ear was like a rifle shot.
"Good, now faster!"
"HA!" Akane yelled as she swung like a blur once more, the air pressure of the ribbon cracking the wall behind Ranma as he evaded it. She followed through, whipping at Ranma with such speed it looked like brief flashes of multiple arms amidst the constantly moving ribbon.
Ranma left afterimages as he evaded her fearsome attack, before he sprang away onto a hand spring that he used to put even more distance between him and Akane. This was fantastic, every time they got into it like this she seemed to get better and better.
He kicked a ball into the air and swiftly spun around to kick it at her. "Defend!"
Akane swiftly cut the ball in half with her ribbon, the two halves denting the wall behind her on either side. Ranma couldn't help but stare at that spectacular strike. "Amazing form, Akane, now keep it up, maintain that intensity as long as you can!"
"Okay!" She charged again, switching from the ribbon to clubs, Ranma picking up the hoop and again skillfully using it to block and parry her strikes.
"Good, good, but you can do better!" He encouraged her as he suddenly disarmed her of a club.
Akane quickly spun to kick, catching the club in her toes as she did. "Then how about this?"
Ranma raised his arm to block the club, which left Akane's grip and flipped away as he briefly stared down her slender leg and at the juncture of her legs. He snapped out of it fast enough to evade the other club as Akane followed up her attack. "Whoa, that was close!"
"Distracted by something?" Akane challenged. Crap, she'd seen him. Blushing, he scratched the back of his head and looked away from her.
"I was, kind of."
Akane smirked. "Pervert."
Ranma pretended to take offense. "Well maybe you should stop being so cute."
"Maybe I should." Both laughed, and Akane playfully tossed her other club at him. Dropping her hands to her sides, she took a deep breath before raising them above her head and stretching, pushing herself up on her toes and slightly arching her back in the process. Ranma watched every movement.
"Mm… my whole body aches now, can we take a break?" she asked.
"Okay." Ranma sat down on the floor, and watched Akane as she picked up a bottle of water and then walked over to sit next to him. She took a sip and then handed the bottle to him.
He laughed, took a drink from the bottle and handed it back to her, and she had another serving herself, before setting the bottle down. Looking down at the bottle, she remembered that goofy story from her friends about sharing bottles being an indirect kiss, and hummed.
Wait a minute, indirect kisses, really? He was her boyfriend, wasn't he?
After a moment of mulling it over, Akane acted. "Hey."
She looked over to him. When he turned, she leaned forward and kissed him. It was pretty brief, but it still surprised him. "Chu~"
He stared at her. "Wow, what was that for?" Not that he was complaining.
"Do I really have to explain myself?" Akane asked before she kissed him again.
Several long moments passed before they broke off briefly; her cheeks showing a faint pink, Akane crawled into Ranma's lap and resumed their lip lock, his hands cradling her and unhesitant in stroking her back and her legs. This time they kissed even longer. For several solid minutes, they made out like this, before finally Akane rested her head on his shoulder panting softly.
"I liked that," she whispered.
Ranma smiled and kissed her cheek and then her neck. When she moaned softly as he reached her shoulder, he was confident he was doing something right and stopped.
"Mm… hey…" Their lips met again for a moment. "… Can I…?"
"What?" Akane felt Ranma's hand caress her thigh, and her face turned a darker shade of red. Looking towards the closed door of the dojo briefly, she licked her lips and nodded. "Okay…"
Over the cacophony of her preparing dinner, Kasumi paused when she thought she heard a girl crying out loudly. Dismissing it as Nabiki having sex with that dreadful boy she was blackmailing, she shrugged it off and resumed cooking.
Ryoga Hibiki had, as Akane aptly predicted he would, fallen in love with her kindness, good nature, and smile which were all ultimately a ruse set out by the girl to get whatever she wanted from him without question or payment, which coincidentally (and by her own admission) made her a bigger bitch than Nabiki.
That woefully misguided love brought him here to St. Bacchus' School for girls, tearfully praising the power of love that got him here in order to see the girl that he loved lose to a superior opponent so she could stop seeing Ranma and scoop her up on the rebound.
At least such was the case until some careless girl poured a bucket of water out a window onto his head.
"Hino! Don't just carelessly pour water out the window like that! You could get someone soaked!"
"I'm sorry, senpai!"
With a grumble, Ryoga glared at the window where the water ruined his day, before a shadow fell over him and he was plucked off the ground.
"What do we have here? Tendo's pet pig?" Kodachi asked as she plucked P-Chan off the ground.
P-Chan blinked as he stared at Kodachi, who appeared to resemble a raccoon with the shiners she sported. After Akane's scream, which could still be heard if you listened to the ambient noise, she had proceeded to punch Kodachi in the face until her fists bled.
The response had baffled Kodachi; she had been told by her brother that Akane was such a sexually repressed girl that a single hint of his essence would overload and reduce her to a cat in heat, paralyzed by her lust for her brain damaged brother.
With the failure of that plan, now Kodachi actually had to put out the effort to beat the stuffing out of Akane Tendo–not that she minded this. She actually enjoyed the battle up to this point… even the crushing defeats, although she was uncomfortable with how much she particularly liked being manhandled by Akane.
She's been in an all girls' school too long.
In the designated locker room for the Furinkan High Gymnastics Team–cleared out of traps by some Tokyo Metropolitan Police SAT Officers on Nabiki's payroll–Akane's concerns could not be further from the fight, namely because she and Ranma were just finishing up desecrating an all girl's school locker with a good old fashioned quickie.
"You know, I should be feeling a little bad about this," Ranma noted as Akane gingerly pulled herself off his lap.
"Oh?" she asked as she adjusted her leotard back into presentable place.
He stared at her. "But I'm not."
Still smiling, Akane began her stretches; or rather resumed them–Ranma had decided to make a move as she was doing them before.
"Don't forget what we trained you for, okay?"
Akane smiled. "Don't worry, I'm going to literally flatten the bitch."
Ranma held up his newly-used condom. "Speaking of things I ought to feel bad for but won't, what should I do about this?"
For the briefest of moments, Akane considered adding it to her arsenal to use against Kodachi, but a far bitchier move crossed her mind. "Swing by the cafeteria and drop it in the food. Make her pay for screwing around with ours."
Ranma picked up a glass of water and doused himself into herself with it. "You got it."
Moments later, in a gymnasium filled to the brim by a yammering peanut gallery, the two competitors and their seconds were in their corners, as the announcers started the ceremonies.
"Chin-pon-pon-pon… beaming to you live from St. Bacchus' School for Girls, it is Rhythmic Gymnastics Wrestling Afternoon in Tokyo between Furinkan High and the hosting St. Bacchus. I am Leeron, your Master of Ceremonies."
"And I am too unimportant to be named!" his co-announcer introduced herself. "Today we've got a great match for you! Despite being decimated in the weeks leading up to this match, it seems Furinkan has pulled in a ringer, and what a ringer! Akane Tendo is notorious at her own school for her masterful crowd control skills, but can she translate those skills into the art of graceful armed combat?"
"Kodachi-chan has been going out of her way to cripple Akane-chan before the match. It would seem she has reason to fear Furinkan's champion," Leeron replied.
His nameless partner nodded. "She sure has, and Akane's prodigious strength has been a severe hurdle in that regard, hopefully her A-Game will still be brought, we need to make a good show for our sponsors!"
"And speaking of them, today's extremely sexist brutality is brought to you by TV Tokyo, Pizza Hut, McDonald's, Stark Industries, Kaiba Corporation, Xanatos Enterprises, and the Speedwagon Foundation: Surprisingly afraid since 1888!" Leeron noted.
"Well, it looks like our champions are ready to be introduced, let's go to our woman down in the ring." The nameless announcer said as at that very moment, the referee was introducing to the gathered masses from the two schools Kodachi Kuno, who regarded them with a wave of her hand and a black rose between her black painted lips.
"And in this corner, hailing from Furinkan High School is Akane Tendo!" As expected, Akane's cheers came in the form of mostly boys whooping and hollering for her, but sure enough there was Nabiki in the crowd with Sayuri and Yuka, holding up a "Win or we lose big down at the OTB!" banner.
It was nice to know that family and friends were sticking in her corner… but knowing Nabiki she had a bit of money on Kodachi off to the side just in case.
"I'm a little nervous," Akane said as she performed a few final stretches. "Also, kick behind you now."
"Huh? Oh." Ranma kicked.
"Pigtailed girl please accept my-!" Her foot connected with Kuno's face, and he fell back to the seats below.
"Thanks." She said to Akane. "Go out there and wreck her for me."
Akane nodded, and headed out to the middle of the ring, where Kodachi had been waiting with a smug air about her. "So, you and the pigtailed girl are close I presume?" She looked down at her. "Trollop associated with Tendo, your name?"
Looking back Akane smiled as Ranma folded her arms across her chest, striking a pose that could not be more perfect unless she had a spotlight shining behind her. "You don't deserve to know my name!"
Kodachi flinched at the bold reply, and seethed before turning her attention to the referee along with Akane.
"All right, you know the rules: No bare handed blows, no falling out of the ring, either of those and you immediately lose. Other than that have fun," the ref explained as Kodachi grumbled at Ranma's petulance.
Akane looked at the ref. "Wait a minute, what about deadly force?"
"What about it?" The ref asked before Kodachi shackled P-Chan to Akane. "Oh, you now have a pig on your arm."
Akane looked down at P-Chan, and then up at Kodachi. "You are a total cunt."
"Carelessness is your enemy," Kodachi said as she moved back to her corner, without shaking hands.
"Yep, the cuntiest."
As the bell rang, Akane checked out the weapons at her disposal. Hoop and ribbon and P-chan were her default weapons, and Ranma had a handful of clubs and other weapons standing by. Kodachi was shadier than Slim, so there was no telling what she could unload on her with. Oh well, she could not claim to be a student of the Tendo School of Indiscriminate Grappling if she was caught off-guard by this bitch!
"P-Chan, try to stay out of my way, okay?" she askd as she wrapped the chain around her arm, with her pet clinging to her wrist and the shackle that bound her to him.
Gripping the ribbon, she doesn't bother holding back, snapping the cloth at Kodachi like a rifle shot. "Here I come!"
With a rope, Kodachi deflected the attack and laughed. "Predictable!"
She immediately charged and swung it at Akane, who ducked.
"She swings it like Ryoga… whoa!" Akane suddenly lost her footing when P-Chan ran around her legs, remorseful tears running down from his eyes as he actively sabotaged her attempt to evade.
The unnamed girl stood up. "It looks like that wild pig is giving Akane trouble! While Kodachi presses her attack with a rope, swinging it around like it was a rod!"
"Mm… I wonder if she'll let me borrow that rope?" Leeron quipped perversely before he pretended to pull a wince after Akane took a blow to the head.
"It is a rod!" his co-announcer exclaimed.
Leeron shivered and moaned. "Now I really want to borrow it."
Akane recovered quickly enough from the hit to duck under a jab from a club, and then another. Laughing, Kodachi twirled both clubs before thrusting another into her face as she pushed a button along its shaft.
Spying this, Akane grabbed the club and threw it out of her hand, sending it into the audience where it exploded with a cloud of yellow paralyzing agent.
A second club was then thrust for Akane's face, a gleam appearing in Kodachi's eyes as she pressed the button located on it. Its hidden spikes hadn't popped out, however, when Akane kicked the club straight up and out of her hand before suddenly jabbing her in the stomach with the hoop and sending her stumbling back into the ropes.
Catching the club with her ribbon, Akane swung it down at Kodachi, who rolled up onto the ropes to avoid it and used them to spring herself into the air.
"You're stubborn, I'll give you that!" She produced two more clubs and threw them down at Akane. "But you won't get between me and my beloved!"
Akane tried to get clear, but again P-Chan ruined her evasion, she managed to knock one club aside, but another got her right between the eyes, causing her to stumble back into her corner. "Damn it P-Chan!"
Ranma was so close to jumping into the ring and stomping P-Chan to death, but she knew she couldn't until later.
She gritted her teeth and turned her ire to Kodachi. "Who are you calling your beloved, psychopath?!"
"This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it." Kodachi performed a flick of a ribbon, snapping it inches from Ranma's face.
Like a flail, Akane slammed P-Chan into Kodachi's face, the metal band around his midsection colliding with her nose. "Ugh!"
"That was so lame," Akane growled as she snorted up the blood that was dribbling from her own. She charged, a dazed P-Chan skipping behind her as she clashed weapon to weapon with Kodachi, the two opponents twirling their weapons to bring them to bear against any opening they could find, only to find them quickly defended.
"Impressive, it would seem that Akane-chan and Kodachi-chan are evenly matched as opponents, even with such a handicap as that piglet," Leeron quipped for the audience.
"Yes! Akane Tendo is definitely a force to be reckoned with!" As the other announcer spoke, Kodachi managed to disarm Akane of her clubs.
"But it may not be enough!"
"Now fall!" Kodachi demanded, and thrust a club for her face, only for Akane to deflect it with P-Chan's chain. "Hmph!"
"Akane-chan with a skillful block, and what's this…?" Akane lashed the chain around Kodachi's leg. "A counterattack with the very trap Kodachi set on her!"
Kodachi's eyes widened before Akane suddenly yanked her off her feet onto her back. As she laid there stunned, she caught a glimpse of the malicious grin that split Akane's lips wide open.
"I certainly am~! I am certainly am~! Akane Tendo!" She sang out before Kodachi's world went into a blur. Akane swung her around once, twice, and then three times before swinging her up, over, and down into the ring with a very painful splat. Everyone in the gymnasium winced.
"Crash! And…" Akane let out a low groan as she began to swing Kodachi around, this time like a hammer throw, picking up more and more speed until a tornado formed around her with Kodachi the helpless cow caught up by the winds with the blood rushing to her head. "… IMPACT!"
Ranma watched, almost as though it were in slow motion as Kodachi, blood clearly rushing to her head from the centrifugal force, smashed into the turnbuckle, broke it up, and sent pieces flying into the crowd, easily injuring several students in the process, but fuck those guys.
With that hit, Akane swung her straight up and let go, before hopping onto the intact ropes behind her and springing up above her.
Kodachi recovered just in time to see Akane descend from the lights, aiming a club for her face. Almost on reflex from too many times of her brother thrusting things into her face, Kodachi clapped her hands together and captured the club.
"What?!" Akane gasped, before Kodachi ripped the weapon from her hand and then threw it at her, forcing her to arch back to avoid the weapon and break off. Both quickly landed in their corners, breathing heavily.
"Typical, what she lacks in finesse she makes up for with sheer brutality. How uncultured, how masculine, how…" Kodachi smiled. "… Butch."
She then turned and spat out some blood, the concrete of the turnbuckle, and a tooth before facing her opponent. She called to her second. "Give me a hoop."
Being careful to catch the inside of the weapon, Kodachi immediately cast it off, towards Akane. Ranma immediately spotted the danger. "Akane, dodge it!"
Akane ducked down, the razor bladed hoop missing her high ponytail by inches before it bounced off her corner, cutting through it. Akane picked up P-Chan and immediately rolled out of the way of the ribbon strike that grabbed the hoop for Kodachi to begin lashing out at her with. "Oh ho-ho-ho-ho!"
With speed that she could've only picked up from Ranma, Akane zipped from side to side, ducked, jumped, and generally moved about. Despite her efforts the deadly weapon forced her into another corner, coming dangerously close enough to slice gashes into her leotard, including a very revealing cut right between her breasts that exposed the whole of her cleavage.
"It looks like Akane Tendo has been backed into a corner!" Nameless Announcer cried.
Kodachi laughed again. "This is the end!"
Akane ducked down and held P-chan and the chain up, the hoop cutting through it, sending the piglet dropping to the floor with an indignant squeal. Looking up, P-Chan praised his freedom and at the same time cursed his inability to sabotage Akane's match. Somehow, he needed to give Kodachi the win, but before he could, another ribbon lashed around him, and Ranma forcibly ejected the piglet from the ring.
"See you around, Hampton," Ranma growled as P-Chan went splat against the wall above the stands.
Seeing Akane free, Kodachi just laughed and whirled the hoop over her head like a deadly lasso. "So you've freed yourself of your dead weight. Shall I slice off some more?!" she taunted as she lashed out at her again.
Akane jumped into an axle and caught the hoop on the inside with her arm, before landing and yanking it off the ribbon and out of the ring.
Wrapping the chain around her hand, particularly at the knuckles, Akane adopted a more traditional fighting stance. "For that, I'm going to fuck you with a steamroller."
Kodachi blinked. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me, bitch!" Akane rushed Kodachi, picking up her ribbon and lashing out at Kodachi.
Kodachi unleashed a trio of clubs as projectiles. "You lewd trollop!"
Bashing them aside with her chain-wrapped fist, Akane lunged forward with it and swung at Kodachi, the chain impacting with her jaw and sending her spinning through the air. On impact, the entirety of St. Bacchus' student body went into uproar, crying foul.
The referee immediately raised her hand. "Use of a chain wrapped around your fist Hell's Angels style is valid!" She said as the judges raised affirming flags.
Kodachi landed on her feet. "So you wish to improvise, Akane Tendo, very well!" With swift dexterity, she suddenly scooped up the bell and whipped it around, dinging Akane upside her head figuratively and literally. The challenger from Furinkan lost her footing and stumbled about after the blow, before she backhanded the bell away from its come around strike.
"Akane-chan deflects Kodachi-chan's bell attack!" Leeron exclaimed before Akane lassoed their announcer table and hurled it at Kodachi. "And Akane-chan responds with the entire table!"
"What an innovation!" shouted the nameless one before Kodachi whipped her brother into the ring. "And Kodachi is not to be out done! She uses her own brother to deflect the attack!"
"Sweetest Akane, forgive me!" Kuno yelled as he swung his bokken down to strike Akane down, only to meet Ranma's foot face first as Akane dragged her into the fight. "Pigtailed g-girl…"
"Akane-chan used her own second as a weapon! The judges say that it's fair as long as Akane-chan did not strike the blow physically herself!"
Ranma landed next to Akane, and made for the ropes. "Nice save, next time warn me though?"
Akane just laughed and then spotted her next weapon just as it arrived. Kodachi had been preparing to grab some hapless student to use as a shield, when a confused Genma carrying a tea set landed on her face and sat on it, pinning her beneath him.
"And Akane-chan uses…" Leeron and his partner both stop.
"… Is that a fucking Panda?"
Falling to one knee, Akane panted to catch her breath. Kodachi wasn't a joke, if she wasn't so fucking insane, she could respect that fact. From her corner, Ranma called over. "Akane, you've got this!"
It would seem that eating Panda ass had actually upset Kodachi, as she now bore a dark aura as she shoved Genma off her face and out of the ring. It served the bitch right.
"I… fight on…!" Kodachi screamed at Akane.
Akane slammed the chain onto the mat like a whip. "You don't get it, do you?! You're done, bitch! You're not winning Ranma from me, you got that?!"
"Foul whore… the power of love will prevail here! Ranma and I will be joined, and there is nothing you can do about this! Now prepare to DIE!" She roared before she punched the mat and generated a massive whirlwind of black rose petals, far denser and much more numerous than any before.
"Is this? It is! It's Kodachi's most dangerous and strongest technique! The Wild Dance of the Black Rose! A technique that is rarely witnessed but almost invariably fatal to the opponent! Could Akane be leaving this match in a body bag?" the nameless announcer quickly asked.
"Our sponsors sure hope not! Even the Speedwagon Foundation is afraid!" Leeron quipped in.
Ranma was buffeted by the storm of rose petals; she could barely see Akane amongst them. "Akane!"
The only reply from the storm was Kodachi's laughter as her ribbon snatched out of the petals at random; grabbing any object it could wrap around and throw into the fight straight for Akane. Chairs, tables, even students from both schools were used as weapons. Inside the storm, Akane let out a cry of pain as Hiroshi, or was it Daisuke, smacked into her before being carried off into the storm. Pushed back, she glared at Kodachi, who laughed again.
"Come now is this your best?!" she yelled as she hurled a refrigerator at Akane, who punched and crumpled it before the storm carried it off.
"I haven't even gotten started!" Akane yelled back in defiance before she smashed through a stool. Grabbing a club, Akane slashed away at Kodachi as she melted into the petals.
As she turned to try to reacquire her, a toaster clocked the back of her head, knocking her forward. Kodachi's laughter carried through the storm as she briefly appeared.
"Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! A stubborn one, aren't you?!" The A-Team's van suddenly flew towards Akane, but she narrowly ducked under it.
Akane turned around and hurled the club at Kodachi, who disappeared into the petals once again before a ship in a bottle broke itself against Akane's side, tearing away more of her leotard with its shards of glass.
"Cease your useless flailing and fall so that I may claim my beloved!"
Grunting from the sting of the swirling air across her wounds, she called out into the swirling petals. "No!"
A safe struck her in the back, sending her stumbling into the path of a wooden plank that smashed against her side. "Ranma…!"
A wash basin bounced off the floor and hit her in the forehead, causing her to stagger back. "Ranma is…!"
Above Akane, Kodachi materlalized and hefted a large mallet. She swung down upon the girl in a torrent of rose petals.
"Fade from Ranma's memory!" she yelled just before she smashed the hammer down into the empty floor. "What? Where'd she go?"
Movement to her side caught her attention, but when she threw a club at it, she saw only rose petals. Then suddenly again off to her other side, but when she lashed the ribbon at it, she hit nothing again.
"What's with that speed?" Catching a club, Kodachi waited and then suddenly threw it behind her. "There!"
The club passed through Akane's afterimage as she ran towards Kodachi, Tatewaki's bokken wielded in her hands. Quickly Kodachi lashed out with her ribbon, only for Akane to duck low and run underneath the coils, leaving a trail of afterimages behind her. "I can't hit her!"
Suddenly Akane was behind her, a line of red light trailing behind her hidden eyes as Kodachi looked back. "She got behind me!"
She slashed with the ribbon, only for Akane to deflect it with the bokken and striking her on the forehead with a quick back and forth motion.
Kodachi crashed into another turnbuckle and cracked, dispelling the swirling rose petals. As they cleared, the stunned audience and an impressed Ranma beheld Akane standing atop a turnbuckle, her long hair unbound and waving above and behind her from her rapid movement save for the bangs hiding her eyes.
"What the…?" Sayuri and Yuka gasped as Nabiki grinned big.
"Look at what you've done to my little sister, Ranma," she said in awe of Akane's incredible display.
Hiroshi and Daisuke, the latter armed with a camera, gawked blankly. "Was that Akane…?"
Tatewaki rose from his seat. "Truly… she is a Goddess of Battle… no! She is a Goddess of War!"
"Akane Tendo has… sh-she's broken Kodachi's Wild Dance of the Black Rose…!" the amazed and still nameless announcer spoke. "Where has this incredible speed come from?!"
"Honey, all I know is that I'm gonna get paid today," Leeron, who had put money on Akane, admitted.
Ranma smiled as she looked upon Akane. "You're looking incredible, Akane! Finish this fight!'
Akane, strangely calm, allowed her hair to fall dramatically down to her shoulders and raised her head up to reveal her eyes. "This fight is already over."
Kodachi immediately lashed out with her ribbon, furious that she could not touch her. "Two weeks of training will not close our gap!"
Akane suddenly disappeared from the path of the ribbon and attacked Kodachi from four different directions in short order, hitting her in quick succession with the bokken, a shovel, a Rickenbacker bass, and finally an original Xbox, bouncing her off the mat and sending her tumbling through the air.
"I can't possibly…!" Kodachi gurgled as Akane suddenly appeared above her with a kitchen sink in hand.
"This is the checkmate!" Akane screamed as she smashed her with the sink, with such force that the entire thing shattered. Like a rocket, Kodachi smashed into the ring below with such force that it drilled her into the mat, breaking the support bars under it.
Blood dribbling from her mouth, a furious Kodachi stared at the ceiling. "What the Hell? What the Hell was that?"
"Unbelievable! Absolutely unbelievable! Akane has somehow managed to overcome Kodachi's attack and counterattacked in a spectacular fashion" The nameless announcer spoke amidst the likewise stunned yammering of the audience as Kodachi began to get up. "But where is Akane?"
"ROAD ROLLER DA!"
Akane dropped a fucking steamroller on Kodachi, crushing her and flattening the ring underneath it. She then stood up triumphantly atop the machine.
"WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
The gymnasium stood silent, and everyone looked to the judges, all of whom were unanimous in their decision.
"Use of a steamroller is valid! Kodachi is unable to continue battle! The winner is Akane Tendo!"
"All right Akane, you kicked her ass!" Ranma called out as the rest of Furinkan joined in cheering. Panting as the exertion caught up with her, a tired, bruised, and bleeding Akane smiled and threw up her hands weakly in celebration.
"Hell yeah, I kicked her ass!" she said before she toppled off the steamroller.
Outside in the parking lot, Akane stepped out of the back of an ambulance wearing her school uniform and bandages that covered her more serious wounds. Ranma, now male, shook his head and chuckled as he watched paramedics carry by yet another injured girl in a leotard. "Man, they're going to outlaw Rhythmic Gymnastics Wrestling after this."
Akane huffed. "How was I supposed to know that Kodachi's entire team was hiding under the mat to keep her from falling out of bounds?"
Once again it was for the grace of comedy that no one was in a body bag.
Akane was completely unrepentant in her actions. "It serves them right though, after what Kodachi did to our gymnastics club, hospitalizing hers is justice."
"What about the students injured by the weapons and pieces of wreckage?" Ranma noted as an EMT led a student profusely bleeding from a head wound by.
"That's acceptable collateral damage," Akane quickly replied.
"Uh-huh." Speaking of head injuries, here was Ryoga.
"Hey there Porky, enjoy the match?"
Ryoga opened his mouth to snap at Ranma, but remembered that he'd made it this far, he may as well address Akane before he ended up in Osaka again. "Akane, I'm sorry I couldn't make it there to see you, but I'm happy that you won."
Sure he was, and Ranma didn't turn into a girl when splashed with cold water. Akane smiled. "It's all right Ryoga, I'm sure you were there in spirit."
Ranma was going to have words with him once they were alone, and by "have words" he meant punch him until some indeterminate point in the future. Still, he couldn't bring himself to really antagonize him, as far as this battle Ryoga was trying to wage was concerned, Ranma had already won the war and taken the spoils.
"But still, thank you Ryoga. I really couldn't have done it without you., Akane praised him, and naturally the fool ate it up like delicious cake.
Blushing, he scratched the back of his head and laughed bashfully.
"Aw, gee, it was nothing Akane," he guffawed, awkwardly misinterpreting her kindness for something else entirely.
Akane turned to Ranma. "Why couldn't you be cute like him?"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "If I was…"
He didn't finish that sentence, but Akane laughed softly and then turned her attention to another stretcher being wheeled by, this one bearing Kodachi on it.
Kodachi looked over just as Akane had noticed her and immediately scowled. "Tendo."
"Kuno." Akane returned with an equal curtness. "A deal is a deal. You lost, give up on Ranma."
Sighing, Kodachi looked away from her better, the beginnings of tears forming in her eyes. "Crushed, broken, and defeated figuratively and literally, I will respect our bargain. As of this moment, I abandon my passion for Ranma completely!"
Ranma and Akane both cast sighs of relief, the former wiping the sweat off his brow while the latter clapped her hands and praised God. Kodachi inexplicably sat up, stopping their celebratory motions and continued talking.
"Starting this moment, I shall burn an entirely new passion for Ranma, one of greater intensity, hotter than a million burning suns!" she declared to the heavens, the very same Akane began to curse as Ranma slumped against the side of the ambulance.
As she was wheeled away, Kodachi turned back to Ranma. "Wait for me my beloved! We will be joined soon enough, to this I swear on my life!"
"Jesus Christ, this was only the beginning, wasn't it?" Akane asked as Ryoga tried to butt into the conversation, probably to make some half-hearted consolation or worse.
All of that work, for nothing. Well, not all for nothing, as Ranma looked over to Akane. He barely noticed Ryoga out the corner of his eye. "Akane, let's just go home, okay?"
Turning back to him, Akane cheered up and nodded, Ryoga growing frustrated and envious of Ranma's hold over her. "Sure, let's go."
As the two left, Ryoga felt utterly impotent in regards to his ability to catch Akane's attention. Sighing, he bowed his head. "Oh Akane… there was so much I wanted to say…"
"Ryoga-baby, you can whisper all of your sweet nothings to me if you like," Nabiki said, and Ryoga ran faster than he had ever ran before, hoping for once to get so lost that no one would find him, especially her.
As he fled, Nabiki dusted her hands off and followed Ranma and her little sister home.
Words from the Author: Y'all people need more Outkast in ya lives.
