"And again," Falkner's cool, slightly bored voice drawled. Ethan was trembling, his muscles weak and uncontrollable from the adrenaline and cortisol running rampant through his system.
"C'mon, you can do it," he pleaded, tears in his eyes. Across from them another trainers vacantly grinning Wooper sat in a small pool of water, its cheeks swollen and ready to unleash another high pressure water blast. Cyndaquil was shaking and shivering, a miserable mess. He huddled on the ground, the flame patches on his back steaming as he desperately tried to warm up. His fur did not yet have the incredible insulation powers that he would acquire from his later evolutions, and even the slight chill from the water was enough to sap his energy. The blast came and he rolled sluggishly aside, avoiding the worst of the spray, but was still sent spinning, ending up on his back. He was shivering so bad that he couldn't even roll over.
"Well I guess that's all," said Falkner cheerfully, "Go ahead."
Ethan rushed forward and gently picked Cyndaquil up in a towel, vigorously rubbing him as he rushed out the door to the Center, not even stopping to give his usual glare at the nonchalant gym leader. He almost couldn't see for the tears of frustration in his eyes. He remembered back to the first day he had arrived at the gym.
He had been set in the group with all the other trainers who didn't have any badges yet, all of them slightly nervous and rather conspicuously trying not to show it. They had watched as other, more powerful trainers, some with as many as five badges, went at it; the roars of pokemon and shouts of trainers mingling to form the background music that they would hear nonstop until they finally attained their badge. After watching for about ten minutes or so and being sufficiently awed Falkner had come over to them.
"Hello, you all sure picked a bitch of a gym to start off with," he had laughed, "I specialize in flying pokemon, like my father before me. Before we start, are any of you trying to become gym trainers here with me?"
Only one kid had raised her hand, a mousy brown haired girl with a Murkrow sitting on her shoulder. Falkner had grinned warmly at her.
"Excellent, go over and talk to the fellow with all the Spearows. He'll get you all signed up. As for the rest of you, my gym is all about overcoming your weaknesses. Both personally and as a trainer. Every pokemon has a weakness, a vulnerable spot. An area that can be exploited, allowing a much weaker enemy to defeat you. And quite frankly, that's just embarrassing, now isn't it? In the same way, you all have weaknesses. Maybe you're impulsive and don't think things through, or maybe you don't work well in a team. In order to receive my badge, you will have to overcome these weaknesses. Unless of course any of you really want to go ahead and challenge me now?" he smirked. Nobody moved an inch.
"Well at least we know you're not completely stupid!" Falkner had laughed, and then waved his trainers over. Then had begun the oddest three hours of Ethan's life. Seemingly normal events such as brief sparring sessions had been followed by running around in circles, or taking a math test, or holding your breath. Pokemon had to jump off ledges into their trainers arms, immediately followed by repeating a nonsense string of words. By the end of it both the pokemon and their trainers were exhausted, and one trainer had already dropped out.
"Alrighty then, that's all for today. This is the shortest day you'll ever have the rest of your time here, so enjoy it while you can. As I'm sure most of you have guessed, that was all just a test so we can find what areas you're weak in and what areas you're strong in. You're free to go now and do whatever, though I would encourage you all to stay and watch the others train. Be here tomorrow at seven. Peace," Falkner had waved and returned to his loft overlooking the gym.
That was over a week ago, and ever since then, Cyndaquil had been forced to get pummeled into unconsciousness by a water pokemon every single day. He held Cyndaquil tight against his body, wrapping his sweatshirt around them as he walked.
It's not right! It's cruel and it's wrong and it's bad and what am I going to do? He thought, frustration and fury building. He couldn't stand to see Cyndaquil hurt like this. While a part of him knew that all the other trainers were going through something equally as difficult, and that hundreds if not thousands of trainers had successfully gotten the gym badge, he felt despair. He looked into the future and saw nothing but day after day of the same torment of seeing Cyndaquil like this, and he knew that he couldn't take it. It hadn't even been a month and he was already a failure. He walked up to the Center, hesitated at the doorway, then turned aside and leaned against the wall, slowly falling into a slump. He wasn't sure how long he sat there, zoned out, but finally a finger flicked his nose and brought him back.
"Hallooooooo?" Kris asked, drawing out the word obnoxiously. Ethan just grunted. She sat down beside him and stuffed some jerky down his shirt. Cyndaquil woke up from its exhausted haze and devoured the strip, squeaking happily. Ethan giggled involuntarily as the tiny pokemon squirmed against his ribs, but the smile left as soon as the movement stopped. It was quiet for a while.
"I was slash am not adequately prepared for this," he stated. Kris looked over at him.
"The gyms are all about learning and growing, right? You don't need preparation for that. You're not supposed to be 'prepared'. If you were, you'd already know it and then wouldn't need the training, now would you. Silly."
Ethan grunted again. It was quiet again.
"You are correct," he finally acknowledged, "But…"
He hesitated, vainly trying to put emotion into intelligible sound.
"It sounds stupid, but I just really really don't like this. I don't want to do it. I can't stand it. Like, looking at it objectively, I can see some good things that will result from this. Cyndaquil will certainly be stronger. I'm learning more about the limits of strength and endurance and how best to work around and through said limits. I even presume that once I finish I will be emotionally tougher, and be able to think more clearly during tense situations, which is what I assume my 'weakness' is. But all that doesn't matter in the face of…"
He hesitated again.
"I'm afraid. I'm scared and frustrated. I'm beginning to show signs of stress induced depression. I can't even really get angry anymore, that seems to take more energy than I have. I look forward into the projected future, and even though I know there's a high likelihood of a good outcome, there's so much fear of what I'll have to go through to get there that it doesn't seem worth it. Really, I can't even remember what I started this for. I can remember the words I said, but not the conviction that drove me. But I don't know how to quit. I'll just keep running into this wall until I get tired and start jogging into it instead, and then walking into it, then crawling, and then finally I'll just be leaning up against it and it'll still be standing there and I'll never get through it. And I can't just quit, I can't just fail so soon. So many people before me have probably felt this way and they've all gotten through and gotten their badge. I can say without bragging that I am far more qualified and capable than at least eighty some percent of the people that have walked through this gym, so if they can do it I certainly can. But I don't want to anymore. I just want to go back home and read my books and forget this whole thing ever happened. But I can't do that because everyone else will remember too and I don't want to fail and even if they're still supportive, they'll know I failed and change their behavior towards me to reflect that knowledge and I can't stand the thought of that."
He looked like he wanted to keep ranting, to cycle and repeat the same things with different words, but he stopped, fists clenched and eyes closed.
"It's so stupid," he growled, hanging his head.
Kris took his hat off and started playing with his hair, smoothing it out and combing it into different styles with her fingers, smooth jet-black strands contrasting with pale hands. He sighed and fell onto his side, his head in her lap.
"You take yourself awful seriously," she said. He grunted again.
"Really. You sound like a girl!"
He barked a short humorless laugh.
"You care about all this. But you're not caring about it right. Caring is something you do, not something you feel. You think that feeling it harder or worse means that you care more, but it doesn't. Caring more would be finding a way to fix the problem. You're the smartest person I know. There are Alakazams out there that would give up a spoon to be as smart as you. You'll figure something out."
Ethan blinked away tears, putting his hat over his face.
"I'm such a woman," he laughed.
"Pssh, you wish you were a woman. More like a little girl. It's a good thing I wear the pants, otherwise you'd be lost and directionless all the time."
"Of course," he chuckled. They stayed sitting like that outside of the center until the sun finished setting and the stars began their dance.
Meganium for toughness. Gengar for deception. And now, Crobat for speed, Silver ticked off in his head as he held the pokeball with a newly captured Zubat. Many trainers considered the pokemon and its evolutionary line all but worthless, more a nuisance than a true fighter. But Silver had seen firsthand what a properly trained Crobat could do. And it was terrifying.
Now I just need some offensive power, he grinned mercilessly. In the darkness of the cave, Silver leaned his head back and breathed out slowly. It was coming together. He had a plan, had a purpose. Now he just had to bring it all together. He snapped his fingers and his Bayleef and Gastly rushed to his side.
"Let's go," He commanded, and so they went.
Author Note Thingy: Really sorry for the lateness of this chapter. Some stuff happened in the middle of writing, and I had to drop it for a few weeks, after which of course I forgot where I was going with everything and so had to go back through it all in my head. Also: I'm lazy. That didn't help either. Yeah...
