Interviewer 1: Inspector Summer

Interviewer 2: Inspector Hitomi

Date and Time: 5:32 P.M. Sunday, May 16

Location: Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub

Interviewee: Jewelry Bonney (Operation: What The Hell Is Up With Her Metabolism?)


Inspector Hitomi: We might catch a break with the next one.

Inspector Summer: Really? Which one is it?

Inspector Hitomi: Jewelry Bonney.

Inspector Summer: The chick? *Sighs in relief* Thank god. She must have a semblance of sanity.

Inspector Hitomi: *Reads report* *Reluctant look* On second thought… I don't know about that.

Inspector Summer: *Questioningly looks at Inspector Hitomi* Pffftt. It's one of our own kind. How bad can it be?

Inspector Hitomi: *Still reluctant* We'll see. *Raises voice* Barto-san, please come in.

*Bartholomeo comes in sobbing with Jewelry Bonney*

*Jewelry Bonney heavily sits*

*Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi stare*

Inspector Summer: Um… Is that… a burger?

Jewelry Bonney: *Glances up, mouth filled* *Muffled* Yeah.

Inspector Hitomi: *Stares*

Inspector Summer: … But it has… *Pauses a moment to count*... 27 layers.

Jewelry Bonney: *Chews* Yeah. So?

*Inspector Hitomi and Inspector Summer stare*

Inspector Summer: *Turns to Inspector Hitomi* *Whispers* You were right. We have another nutjob on our hands. And what the hell is up with her metabolism? How can she even look this good after eating that?

Inspector Hitomi: Just don't question it. I've learned not to. *Turns to Jewelry Bonney* Hello. We'd like to ask you a few questions today.

Jewelry Bonney: Hurry up. This burger won't last much longer, you know. I gotta go and get more food.

Inspector Hitomi: *Stares disbelievingly, then quickly composes herself* Hn. *Shuffles through note cards* What is your favorite power of your Devil Fruit?

Jewelry Bonney: Turning people into kids. *Chews*

Inspector Summer: Oh? And why is that?

Jewelry Bonney: Because they're more attractive that way. *Chews*

Inspector Hitomi: …

Inspector Summer: ...More attractive?

Jewelry Bonney: Yeah. *Chews*

*Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi speechlessly stare*

Jewelry Bonney: *Turns to Inspector Hitomi* Hey you. Brownie.

Inspector Hitomi: Hn?

Jewelry Bonney: I saw that you had that kid with you. You know, the one with the cap and amber eyes?

Inspector Summer: Who, Soma?

Jewelry Bonney: *Rolls eyes* Yeah, him. Can I have him? He's pretty cute.

Inspector Hitomi: …

Inspector Hitomi:

Inspector Hitomi:

Inspector Hitomi: No.

Jewelry Bonney: Tsk. *Takes a giant bite out of her burger* *Muffled* Shame. He was a real looker, too.

Inspector Hitomi: *Blank stare*

Inspector Summer: *Clears throat* So, Jewelry Bonney. Which was your favorite island?

Jewelry Bonney: That's pretty hard. It's a tie. *Chews*

Inspector Summer: Between?

Jewelry Bonney: Whole Cake island and Amurined Island.

Inspector Summer: I can understand Whole Cake Island *Glances at half-eaten burger, sneakily tries to take it away*, but why Amurined Island?

Jewelry Bonney: *Glares at Inspector Summer* 'Cuz it has the largest orphanage on the Grand Line, that's why. All those kids are extremely attractive. *Nose begins to bleed*

Inspector Hitomi: *Stares*

Inspector Summer: Oh my god, are you ok? Here. *Hands over a tissue*

Jewelry Bonney: *Takes it and wipes nose* Sorry. That happens a lot. I get excited when I think about kids. *Nose begins to bleed again*

*Wordlessly, Inspector Hitomi hands over another tissue*

Jewelry Bonney: *Sniffs and wipes blood* Thanks. Whoo, thinking about all those kids just gets me all tingly. *Takes bite out of burger*

Inspector Hitomi:

Inspector Summer: … Wow. Ok, then. Um…*Fumbles with note cards* … What are your plans for the future?

Jewelry Bonney: *Chews* *Muffled* You know, the norm. Get a higher bounty. Become the Pirate Queen. *Takes huge bite out of burger*

Jewelry Bonney: *Chews* *Shrugs* Find a great guy. Have kids. *Blood heavily spurts out of nose*

*Jewelry Bonney pulls own tissue out of pocket and wipes nose*

Jewelry Bonney: Yeah. Definitely have kids. *Dreamy smile*

Inspector Hitomi:

Inspector Summer: ...Uh…

Jewelry Bonney: *Glances between inspectors* Hey, do you two have kids?

Inspector Hitomi: No.

Inspector Summer: No way, why?

Jewelry Bonney: *Looks disappointed* Aww, too bad. I'm sure they would have been pretty cute. *Blood drips from nose...again*

Inspector Hitomi: … Thank you for your time. We are finished. *Raises voice* Barto-san. We're done. Please escort Ms. Jewelry Bonney out.

*Bartolomeo enters, weeping heavily. Inspector Hitomi gestures him over*

Inspector Hitomi: *Lowers voice* When you're leading her out, make sure that she stays away from Soma, alright? Far away.

*Bartolomeo's sobs increase and he shouts out an incomprehensible affirmation.*

Inspector Summer: *Strained smile* Thanks for coming, Bonney.

Jewelry Bonney: *Finishes burger* *Muffled* No problem. It was worth it seeing that kid. Will I be able to talk to him outside?

Inspector Summer: …

Inspector Hitomi: ...

Inspector Hitomi: No.

Jewelry Bonney: *Sighs in disappointment* Pity. He was cute.

*Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi stare in disbelief as Bartolomeo leads Jewelry Bonney outside*

Inspector Summer: *Concerned glance* She doesn't...have any kids in her crew, right?

Inspector Hitomi: *Shakes head*

Inspector Summer: *Sigh of relief* Thank God, otherwise I'd seriously consider calling Child Protective Services…

Inspector Hitomi: *Stands up* Please excuse me. I have to check on Soma.

Inspector Summer: *Stretches arms* Roger that. I'm gonna call that little cafe down the street to order us dinner. Do you want the pizza again?

Inspector Hitomi: *Short nod* Hn. And a pasta-bowl for Soma. Get something for Bart, too.

Inspector Summer: Alright. Just no burgers. I swear, if I see another one anytime soon, I'm gonna hurl.

Inspector Hitomi: *Looks queasy* Hn.

*Inspector Hitomi leaves the room and Inspector Summer takes out phone*

~END OF SESSION~

Report: Subject has an unusual obsession with children. Displays open signs of pedophilia. Also exhibits seemingly random nosebleeds when in the vicinity or mention of children. Possible causes include a sexually abusive household in childhood or interaction with other pedophiles. Possible porn addict. Psychiatric help strongly recommended. Also needs a test to confirm the efficiency of her unnatural metabolism.