Chapter 6:
I rushed after him, fueled by blind rage. It was dark, and I could barely see anything, but kept his subtle silhouette in my view. I was catching up. I couldn't stop to shoot or I'd most likely lose him.
We ran through the trees, branches snapping against us, the snow and leaves crunching under our pounding feet. I barely even felt the cold. He was trying to throw me off by weaving through thicker brush and fallen trees, but I was right on his heels. All I could think about was crushing him under my bare hands into a bloody mess.
Finally, what I've been waiting for: he made a wrong move. He stopped to surprise me with a knife attack at my face, but I was ready for it, and grabbed his wrist. He stumbled back and I had the upper hand, trying to force him onto the ground and trying to get an opportunity to pull my gun on him. But he was fighting for his life, both of us locked in a hold like bucks with locked antlers. Neither of us would give up now.
He tried to shove me down, but I countered by shoving him much harder with all of my might. He lost his footing, gripping onto me still, and before I knew it we were falling.
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Both of us were shaken up from the fall, but he was dazed. I quickly got back to my senses and I pounced on him. He was almost able to fight me off, but I pinned him hard against the cold, damp ground and sat on him with all my weight. His eyes were still trying to focus. Both of us were panting heavily. While I had him struggling under my control, I looked up at where we had fallen. We fell from pretty high off a mostly-vertical cliff. It would be impossible to climb back up from here. I wondered if Thermite and Frost were close behind, and if they'd know where to look for us. I didn't have my radio or any flares, and I couldn't hear anything other than the light wind blowing through the trees, sending a chill up my spine.
I looked around for my gun, but I couldn't see it. I didn't see the knife anywhere either, and I gave him a quick patdown as he was under me. It didn't matter right now though, I was content as long as I didn't see any weapons in Glaz's reach somewhere.
I continued catching up on my breath, feeling struggles under me.
I looked down at his pale eyes darkened by the night. His mouth was wide, panting along with me.
"Kill me," he says, assertively.
"Is that what you want?" I breathe out. He nods.
"Then I won't. I'm not being nice to you anymore." I close my eyes, feeling exhausted as my pulse slowly relaxes back to normal.
"Then what?" he asks.
I don't know.
"I'm taking you back," I state.
Carefully, but quickly, I force him onto his stomach and push his hands together. I reach for my zip-ties… but I have none on me. I grunt in irritation.
I continue hold him down to the ground, holding the side of his face into the frozen, wet dirt.
"We were going home soon!" I shout at him, "You've done nothing but ruin my life since I met you…" I growl.
The temptation to kill him right here, right now, is eager on my fingertips. I'm trying to convince myself to do it, but trying to talk myself out of it. The C.I.A. want him alive. Part of me wants him alive. I'm shaking.
"We make deal…" he nearly whispers.
"No. Just, shut up. I don't want to hear you right now," I spit out at him.
He continues, as if I had said nothing, "Let me free, for—"
I twist one of his arms behind him hard, making his face twist in pain and a startled yelp escape him. I watch him, daring him to speak again.
He does, after a moment.
"For sex," he finished, his arm still in agony.
His offer infuriates me more. I carefully give a hard punch to his head, knocking him out in one blow.
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I sat against a large-trunked tree and watched him in the dark, waiting for him to wake up. He was curled up on his side, his hands bound painfully tight behind his back with his own belt. He had demanded I kill him, then asked me to spare his life. I didn't want to give into his wishes, so I was at a loss. I felt like I should kill him, right now, while he's unconscious. Part of me worried the C.I.A. wouldn't be satisfied with his death, and would make us stay and bring them a live Russian soldier, if there were any left. After all, that's the only reason they wanted this one.
I was pretty sure at this point Thermite and Frost wouldn't find me down here. But I was confident I could find my way back once the sun was out.
Glaz woke up, curling up a little more tightly. I'm sure his head was throbbing.
"Why I am alive…?" his voice weak and groggy.
"You're my key home," I answered, dully.
He rolled onto his back as much as he could without crushing his hands, "You are thinking of my deal?"
I don't bother answering.
He's looking at me now. I stare into his eyes, still too frustrated to appreciate his eyes like I have before.
"Has been a long time since you have blowjob, yes?" he says, his voice soft and dark. I can't tell if he's being serious.
I chuckle, "Even if I accepted 'favors' from you, you know damn well I'm not letting you go free. Give up," I close my eyes and lay my head back against the tree, arms crossed. I'm fucking cold. Bet he's even worse, being in a thin t-shirt.
He's quiet for a while, no longer looking at me. I think of making a small fire, but I know the sun should start coming up soon. At least, I hope so. My patience is thin.
He tries over and over to pull his wrists free from the belt, but to no avail. He's so cold that, even in the dark, I can see his body shivering.
"Cold?" I tease him pettily.
He doesn't respond. We sit in silence for a while.
But as the night goes on, I can hear him shivering now. I sighed and went up to him. I want him to stay alive. I knelt down and grabbed him from under his bound arms, and pulled him towards the large dead tree I was sitting at. It was big enough for both of us to sit back against, so I propped him up against it before taking my seat right next to him. He felt like ice.
I felt him shake violently next to me, sniffling like crazy. His head hung down.
I felt uncomfortable. He was so stiff and frozen next to me. I was cold, but had a heavy winter coat on. There's definitely a danger here, leaving him in the cold like this.
Maybe it was because I still hadn't slept yet, and I was still banged up from the fall, but I ended up putting my thick coat over the front of him as he was leaned back against the thick tree.
I still had a thick, long-sleeved shirt on, with a t-shirt underneath, so I wasn't too bad off. But I wished the wind would let up, at least…
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I woke up to the brightness of a late-morning sky.
Panicked that I had let myself fall asleep, I looked over at the Russian next to me. His eyes met mine.
"Shit," I whispered, calming down now. I rubbed my face to rid myself of my grogginess before I stood up and away from the tree.
The sun was bright and warm, though the air was still very cold. There wasn't any wind.
I sighed heavily before swiping my coat back from the Russian and helping him to his feet, "Alright, let's head back,"
He was still looking at me. I wasn't sure why. I tried to ignore it, and wrapped my coat around his shoulders before I started leading him back to the cabin. We would have to take a round-about way to get around the cliff.
Only a few steps in, I found my knife that he had stolen and wielded against me. I put it in my belt and continued walking.
We had been walking for a little bit. I was exhausted as we walked through the dead trees and bushes and rocks. I couldn't wait for all of this to be over with.
I glanced to the side to look at him, my hand still holding onto his bound arm under my coat. He looks back at me again without saying a word. The side of his face has pieces of dirt and some muddy smears over it. I like how he looks this way.
"What's up with you?" I ask, not realizing how dumb of a question it was until after it had been said aloud.
"You were talking in sleep," he answers.
"So what?"
He actually gave a small chuckle before looking back up into my eyes.
"You say things about me," he replied with an odd smile.
I felt a little weird somehow. I couldn't have said anything that really mattered. Not in my sleep. But now I was curious.
"What did I say?"
"'Kiss me, Glaz…'" he supposedly quoted me.
"Heh, you were hearing things," I look back down, carefully treading through a rocky patch of earth.
"Why is hard to believe? You kiss me before… you touch me before. It is what you said,"
He had a point. Fuck.
I still can't believe I had done that to him, that I even fantasized about him. Yet, even now, I still can admit that I enjoyed how he felt, and that he melted when I touched his sensitive throat. But I never should have taken advantage like that.
I'm looking back into his eyes, those icy blue eyes that make me feel funny. I would miss them when he was taken away.
"Listen," I start, feeling like I needed to just get it out, "I don't know why that happened. It wasn't like me. I don't even –"
"I enjoy it," he interrupted. We stopped walking when I turned to face him, confused.
"Excuse me?"
"You touch my neck with your fingers, lips… tongue…" he was blushing, but not looking bashful at all about what he was admitting to me, "It has been long time since I was touched without harm,"
My mouth was open to respond, but I couldn't formulate any words. I was apologizing for something I considered horrible, but now he says he liked it? Wait a second…
"But you cried," I remind him with shock in my words.
"I was very angry. I not want to accept it was you to make me feel this way," Now he looked troubled.
I remember him resisting me, despite how much I pushed him… I mean, I forced him to take my kisses and my touches…
I felt despicable.
I looked down at the ground again, trying to make sense of this entire bizarre experience I've had involving this man, from day 1.
"You are rough," He blurts out, breaking me from my thoughts. I look back up at him.
I didn't know how to respond to that one, either. I wanted to say 'sorry'.
His face is red. It's still cold, but he's definitely blushing a lot.
"I want to feel it again since then," he finally says.
I lick my lips and am overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. My stomach was tight with some kind of nervousness, or maybe even excitement. I don't know if it was a good or bad feeling.
We both looked at each other as a thick air of awkwardness and anxiousness enveloped us.
He must be fucking with me. I shake my head and give his arm a gentle tug so we can continue finding our way back to my base.
But he didn't move. So I stopped again and faced him.
His eyes wouldn't break from mine. Now mine were locked onto his.
I wanted so very badly to kiss him right then and there. Regardless if he was messing with me or not. But…
The Russian stepped towards me, closing the already small distance between us. He was just a little shorter than me, but not much. I felt hypnotized by his bright eyes.
I grabbed onto his waist with one nervous hand and stepped closer to plant a kiss on his lips.
It was mutual. He had leant into me, our chests touching, and our lips perfectly and warmly pressed together. Both of my hands slipped around his sides and around him, making my coat fall off of him onto the ground. I held him close to me.
It felt so warm and exciting, my worries couldn't even plague me in this moment. It was blissful.
My tongue entered his hot mouth, as his lips had parted slightly to invite me in. And his entered mine. I could taste and feel the scabbed wound on his lower lip that I had purposely bitten before back in the cabin. I gave it a soft lick in a subtle, loving attempt to redeem myself for hurting it before.
This kiss wasn't as rough and desperate like before, when it was just me trying to get off. This time felt so much more fulfilling and satisfying. We were doing this right. I wasn't taking advantage of him.
After rubbing my hands over his back, sides, hips, and slipping my curious hands over his firm ass a couple of times, we broke our kiss. We stood there for what felt like a long time, still chest-to-chest, with our foreheads pressed together and our noses rubbing. We were breathing a little harder and quicker against each other's lips. My heart was racing and my face was flushed. I almost felt like I was going to faint.
I stepped away from him after one more look at his handsome eyes, then turned away and wiped my lips with my hand. Again, reality was creeping back in, and I couldn't help but mumble a French curse when I remembered we had to go back to the cabin to send him away.
I could admit it to myself now: I didn't want him to go away. There wasn't any logic to this, where these feelings were coming from. Before, I just blamed it on lust. I was horny and I haven't been laid in a long time. He was there and vulnerable. But it was more than that, and we just proved it. At least, to me, it was something.
"I not know why I like you, Buck," he says to me, implying he's being tortured by the same worries.
He continues, "It feels good. Before, it feel good too, but I not was happy it was from because of you. I want you more. Maybe because I am lonely. So are you,"
I hate how accurate his words are. He's completely right.
Hell, I've never even been in a relationship in my citizen life that made me feel like this. How was this even happening? It was strangely refreshing, but frustrating at the same time.
"I still can't let you go…" I tried to sound assertive, but I felt remorseful to say it.
"I know," he simply answers in his calm, deep voice.
Part of me thought he was just playing with me in an effort to convince me to let him free. But that isn't the case. He seems to have completely submitted to his situation, and he looks defeated.
Those dangerous, cold sniper eyes now resembled the eyes of a sad dog. I hoped I didn't look that pathetic. But I felt like it.
"There's something really wrong with us," I say somewhat jokingly, trying to make the mood a little lighter.
"Maybe in different world, where we not are at war, it could be something more," he somberly replied, "It not would be wrong then,"
I sighed again and ran my fingers through my pale-brown hair. I started pacing.
"I know you having to return me. Your team is worrying. We should leave now,"
He's right. He's right…
I growl and stop to look at him, "There are no other Russians in this area?"
"To my knowledge, no. If there was more I would not tell you where they hide,"
I already knew the answer. I was just buying time; I was at a loss.
"Do you and friends getting to return home from taking me in to be interrogated?"
My jaw clenches.
"It's not for sure… but it's likely. Especially since, to our knowledge, you're the last one left alive… you're very valuable to the C.I.A."
"I am sad for my comrades who not could live to return to family. I know many of them. They were good men, and women. It always will hurt,"
I feel a guilt that, as a special operative, I should never feel. I never have until now.
He continues, "My heart and my life always are with Russia and my comrades. But, as human, I consider the pain of you and the comrades of yours. I hope fighting ends now, so all you can return safely to home."
I went back up close to him and hugged him around his arms. They're still tied at the wrists behind his back. I nuzzle the side of his head and I'm starting to feel pissed at how complicated all of this is.
"If we know each other from outside of war," the cold Russian goes on, his voice weakening, "I would wanting this for you, to be safe and your friends to be alive."
I swallow hard. I kiss his neck before saying into his ear, "None of this makes any sense, why you'd even feel this way. I was just horny before and I found you unexplainably attractive. I haven't been nice to you at all,"
I pull away just enough to look into his eyes, "What's your excuse, Glaz?"
"Call me Timur…"
"Tell me, Timur. At this point, there's no use to play with my emotions like this. You know damn well I'm not letting you go. What is it?"
"There not is any excuse," he responds, sounding frustrated as well.
"You touch and kissing me, it is very," he struggles to keep speaking English, "Is really good feeling inside of me. I also was horny, as you say. I know little about you, so I only can say it is how you feel that brings me comfort,"
Before I can think of something to retort, he adds, "Right now, I am enjoy your company. We are outside of war in this moments. You embrace me and kiss and touch. We are human, not enemy, for now. I am scared that I am last alive of my men. Nothing is left for me. Even if I am free from you,"
I sympathize with him. Sometimes I forget how empty my life really is at home, where I live alone. I tell myself it's how I prefer to live, but the truth I struggle to believe is that I am really lonely and unfulfilled.
He leans against me, prompting me to hug him tight against me again. We nuzzle.
"It is clear to me, from knowing I have nothing left. Every small thing to bring me any comfort is accepted with great gratitude. You are all that is what I have in the remaining of my time. You are everything."
"I've wanted you dead from day 1…" I begin, a bitterness in my voice. As my arms are around him, my fingers start fiddling at the belt that's binding his wrists. I know it's a stupid idea, I know it is, but I'm taking the chance. I'm more than confident I will win if he tries to fight or run.
I can feel him shaking against me.
"Even now, I… I don't want to kill you, but I'm so god damned pissed. Every chance I've had to get rid of you has gone completely wrong,"
"You will be rid of me soon," He interrupts.
"I know, but I'm not happy about it!" I nearly shout into his ear.
While working on removing the belt that's binding his wrists, I continue, "All of this is fucked up. I still have a hatred for you, Glaz—Timur, I mean. I really do. By the way, don't think I'm letting my guard down after your hands are untied,"
He gives a soft kiss against my neck, "You not having to remove it. There is nowhere I can run. I am too cold, too tired for fight,"
I lean into his small kiss, leaving my own little kiss on his slightly fuzzy jaw. The belt falls to the ground, his hands now freed.
His hands nervously find my body, his hands coming to rest on my sides. I get a chill.
I keep myself aware of the position of his hands, in case this turns sour and he goes for my knife… but at this point, I'm barely worried about it.
We hold each other like this for another long while, listening to each other breathe. Feeling each other breathe.
I start rubbing his arms to warm him, ignoring my own coldness. We're forehead-to-forehead again, eyes closed, just… staying in the moment. The area is so deserted and thick of dead trees that the world around us is serenely quiet. Even though it's chilly, the sky is so blue and the sun's light that breaks through the crooked tree branches feels arm.
He breaks the silence with almost a whisper, "Your friends still are looking for you,"
"I know," I reply, not wanting to think about anything else right now. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want him to go away.
Timur puts his hands up to my neck, his hands so careful and nervous, his fingers icy cold like his crystal-blue eyes. He kisses me again. I'm still rubbing at his arms to warm him as I lovingly return the kiss. It's sweet and sensual. Feeling like this makes me stop trying to apply any logic to whatever we have between us now.
After we pull away, I look around the area. The weather, although cold, is really comforting to me. The trees are mostly bare with only a few spare fall-themed leaves and it's beautiful. I feel an overwhelming sense of romance about everything within this moment. I look back at the Russian who has never looked away from me.
I hand him my coat again, letting him put it on instead of leaving it simply draped over his shoulders. He hesitates but he wears it. He knows what's coming next and he's silently looking at the ground off to the side.
"I'm sorry," I mutter as I pick up the belt off the frosty ground. I still have to take him back. I bite my lip every time I think about it, as the thought continues to plague me with frustration.
"Seb, I know you won't allow, but… I rather would be dead to not be torture to betray my country," the Russian grimly says to me, his gaze looking back at me with a firm seriousness.
Before I could argue, I hear Frost a short distance away from a sparse tree-line. We both turn our heads to look at her as she runs towards us. I swallow hard.
Panting lightly, the petite woman says, "I'm glad you're okay! You're okay, right?"
"Yeah," I nod. She smiles at me.
I see our Texan squad leader running up just a ways behind her.
"Buck!" Thermite begins once he stops next to Tina, "Was starting to think the wolves got you!" I don't respond or even look at him. He looks over the Russian captive before walking up to him and turning him around so he's facing away from him. I grit my teeth as I watch Thermite pull out zip-ties and tighten them around Timur's wrists to secure them behind his back.
"Alright guys, let's head back. I'm proud of you, Buck," the Texan pats me on the arm before grabbing Glaz's arm and starting our small trek back to the cabin.
Again, I don't respond.
As Thermite leads the way, I notice Frost looking at me as if she realizes something is wrong with me. I break away from her stare after a moment and follow behind the American and our Spetsnaz prisoner.
There's nothing I can say to either one of them.
