A/N: Here you have it the wonderful chapter explaining Kanda's past. This is basically all in Kanda's point of view (It is his past after all), and explains what happened between Kanda and Alma that made Kanda such a cold hearted jerk (I hope). I do have to warn you Kanda is extremely out of character (I kinda had to do that in order for you guys to understand what I was going for), and I apologize in advance if you don't like the way I've twisted him to fit my needs as a writer.

I would also like to warn you of the suicide seen I wrote up, it's not terribly graphic, but it is really sad and depressing, so I don't advise reading it if your faint of heart. It's during the flash back so I will do a quick summary of said flashback at the end for those of you who don't want to read it.

Thanks for all the loyal support, and enjoy reading.

silverdragon

Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man or any of the characters… *sigh* :'(

Chapter 7 Kanda's Past

"Alma."

The name kept ringing in the back of his mind, causing Kanda to double over in pain at the memories.

They'd been enemies in the beginning, Alma's excited personality clashed terribly with his own anger driven coldness. In middle school they had gotten into so many fights, in and outside of school, that there wasn't a day when one of them wasn't bruised or cut up. The teachers put them as far apart from each other as possible, which did nothing to stop the fights, and when they got detention for fighting in class they had to be put in separate rooms, or else they would start a fight in detention as well.

Then they hit high school, and as freshmen they were both the subject of the upperclassmen's attention, frequently getting into "disagreements". One day they'd been bickering in the hallway, exchanging insults like they'd done so many times before, when a couple of the larger seniors walked up, wanting to cause trouble. The pair was out numbered, there were six of the behemoths, and neither one of them could take the huge seniors alone. So they struck an almost silent agreement, they would fight together, and hopefully not get beaten to a blood pulp. As far as the fight went Alma and Kanda had landed up on top, not without a few cuts and bruises, not to mention a whole week's worth of detentions.

The school couldn't find an extra teacher to watch another detention room so they were stuck with each other, not that they minded. Kanda began to admire Alma's strength, which wasn't as substantial as his own, but Alma had proved himself when they fought together. Alma on the other hand was just happy to have finally made Kanda one of his friends. Throughout that week they began to understand each other better, even going far enough to be able to call themselves best friends. Much to everyone's surprise they started getting along, even sitting together and joking around during lunch.

It was during one of these lunches that Alma confessed, he'd apparently had a crush on Kanda for years, but never acted on it because of the vibes of hatred the other teen exhibited. The confession freaked Kanda out a little bit, he wasn't a homophobe, but by no means was he gay, or at least he thought he wasn't. Not knowing what else to do he ran away to his sanctuary, the roof, to try and understand what was going on. At first he denied any feelings he had towards Alma, even going as far as to avoid the other boy. Then one day, while sitting up on his roof, watching the clouds roll by, Kanda finally came to the realization that he actually loved Alma, despite the other teen's obnoxiously annoying personality.

He went off in search of Alma and found him crying in the bathroom, a knife to his wrist. Kanda threw away the knife and hugged the other teen, cooing words to calm him, and eventually admitting his love. Alma had an almost complete mood change when those words were uttered, the tears of sadness becoming tears of joy within a second. Alma had made Kanda promise to not tell anyone about the attempted suicide, telling him that now that they were together he wouldn't think about doing anything like that to himself. Kanda had believed him, not wanting to hurt the others feelings, but there was always the nagging doubt in the back of his mind.

The memories warped into thoughts of the love they'd shared. The first six months had been amazing, they'd held hands walking to class rooms, shared kisses almost everywhere, and Kanda had even shown the other teen his secret sanctuary. Sure there had been some crude remarks from the school's homophobes, but they got through it together, leaning on each other for strength. The second six months got steadily worse, the snide comments were coming more often, and Alma kept getting more and more depressed. They would have some seriously hot make out sessions at either of their houses, and Alma always wanted to go farther than just kissing, but Kanda never felt ready, insisting that it wasn't the right time.

Maybe if he'd said yes to Alma's advances, maybe if he'd been stronger at dealing with the homophobic attitudes of his classmates, maybe if he'd tried harder, maybe Alma would still be alive.

Kanda didn't know when he started crying, but the tears began to stream down his face, tracking down his chin to fall into his hands. It was his fault Alma was dead, he hadn't been there when Alma had needed him, he'd failed his best friend. He remembered the day like it was yesterday, a constant reminder of his failure to save the one he loved.

Flashback

Tuesdays had always been so annoying, bleak and terrible, they outweighed Mondays by quite a lot in Kanda's mind. Walking out of gym class with a self-satisfied smirk on his face he looked around for Alma, who was usually there, so they could walk to lunch together. Not seeing the other teen he shrugged it off, assuming that Alma had to talk to a teacher or something after class. When he got to the lunch room he got his Soba and sat at their usual table with a couple of other people. Kanda finished his Soba and looked around the cafeteria, wondering what could be holding up Alma for so long.

By the end of the hour a cold fingers of dread had spiked their way into his heart, making it clench in fear. He had to find Alma, he could tell something bad was happening, but he didn't know what it was. He walked to the class that Alma had before lunch, and asked the teacher if Alma had staid after to talk about something. The teacher said no, Alma had apparently left the class early, saying that he was feeling sick and need to go to the nurse's office. Kanda felt the dread lessen slightly, it was the only logical explanation for why Alma hadn't been at lunch, but Kanda couldn't push away the nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

He went to the nurse's office, fully expecting Alma to be propped up on one of the beds, resting or barfing his guts out, but when he got there no one was in any of the beds. He asked the nurse if Alma had been there, and when she said no the dread returned, worse than before. The sound of rushing water filled his ears and he felt himself almost black out. He grabbed at the counter, barely managing to stay upright while the nurse flew from around the desk and led him to a bed. Kanda collapsed, he needed to find Alma now, no one else knew about his depression, or understood the other teen the way Kanda did.

The nurse had wanted him to stay in her office, at least until he was feeling better, but Kanda stormed out, knowing that he wouldn't feel better until Alma was safe in his arms. He blew off the next hour while he searched the school for his lover, and best friend. When he finally found Alma, Kanda didn't want to believe his eyes.

Alma was in a bathroom in the basement of the school, leaning against a wall, twin streams of blood seeping from his slashed wrists. The knife was lying on the floor covered in blood, crimson dripping off the blade. Kanda raced over and threw the knife away, but the damage had already been done. Kanda raced into the hallway and screamed for help, but no one was there, the basement was deserted. He raced back to Alma's side, bringing the boys head up so they looked eye to eye.

"Why did you do this?" he practically whispered to the boy on the floor, wanting to understand where he'd gone wrong.

"Too…. much….. pain," the other boy whispered out, beginning to close his eyes.

"What are you talking about? You love life, you're always annoyingly happy and bubbly. What happened to the Alma I used to know?" Kanda started to cry on the last word, knowing that the broken boy in front of him wasn't the one he'd fallen in love with almost a year ago.

"You…. happened….. Yuu," Alma said a smile ghosting across his lips, "You… could… come…. with…. me…," he looked into Kanda's eyes just before his own eyes fluttered shut and his breathing stopped.

"Alma," Kanda's voice broke as his body erupted into sobs. He cradled the boy in his arms, never wanting to let go of the person who had meant so much to him. After about an hour Kanda had calmed down to the point where Alma's last words finally sunk in. It was his fault, Alma had blamed him for everything and nothing was ever going to be able to change that.

Kanda looked at the knife lying on the ground a few feet from where he sat, wondering if it he should join his lover, just to end the pain. He picked up the knife, and brought it to his wrist, willing himself to cut open his arm the way Alma had done, but he couldn't manage to do it. There wasn't much for him to live for anymore, but something had stopped him, some unconscious thought that stilled his hand.

He threw the knife away, disgusted with himself for even thinking of taking his own life, when he looked back to Alma. Someone needed to tell the staff that there was a dead boy in the bathroom, and considering no one ever came down to that part of the school it would have to be him. Standing up on shaking legs he took one last look at the poor, broken boy he used to know, wishing things could've been different, and hating himself for not being able to stop what had happened.

He walked to the nurse's office, and when the nurse saw him covered in blood she checked his body to make sure there were no cuts.

"It's not mine," Kanda told her, his voice completely lacking emotion. When she looked puzzled he told her about the boy in the downstairs bathroom, telling her she should probably call the police. She left in a hurry, going to make sure he was telling the truth, but why wouldn't he be? His best friend had just killed himself, and she needed to make sure? Nothing made sense anymore, Kanda just sat down on one of the beds, exhausted and hating himself.

End Flashback

That had been two years ago, and Kanda had hated himself every day for what he'd done to the boy he'd loved. Despite so many people telling him it wasn't his fault, he took the blame unto himself, knowing that if he'd just done something, anything, differently the boy who'd been his everything would still be here. He'd gone to the grief counseling, telling them he was fine, that everything was okay. He tuned out when people told him Alma had been mentally ill, that wasn't the Alma he had known. Kanda denied everything he'd been told, because it wasn't Alma's fault it was his.

Kanda started sobbing, knowing that if he didn't pull himself out soon, he'd be stuck wallowing in his grief. However he couldn't manage to let it go, constant thoughts of Allen, and what might happen to him clouded his mind. Would Allen turn into another Alma, someone he couldn't protect from the hurt and pain? Someone he couldn't manage to understand before it was too late? Someone who would love him, and receive his love, only to leave?

He pulled at his hair in anguish, two thoughts on his mind, "What is wrong with me?" and "Why does love hurt so much?"

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Allen read the article his heart sinking at the thought of going through an experience like that. There were no names given, besides that of the kid who'd killed himself, but Allen was almost certain it had been Kanda who found the body. The article had also said something about Alma having a boyfriend, which Allen could only assume was Kanda, just based on his previous conversation with Lenalee.

Rereading the article Allen knew he could never understand Kanda's pain fully. Seeing your first love bleed to death after slitting his own wrists could not have been easy, but it explained Kanda's coldness and short temper. It also explained Kanda's reaction to the kiss they had shared, why he'd been so quick to push Allen away, why he'd looked so angry, not at Allen but at himself.

"Kanda must blame himself for what happened to Alma," Allen thought, "It explains everything."

Finally understanding this he turned off the computer and practically raced out of the library, thanking the librarian for her help as he speed towards the door. Allen didn't know where he was going, but he needed to find Kanda, and he trusted that his feet would take him to the other teen. Sprinting through a hallway in what he assumed was the English wing he abruptly stopped.

There was a door opened a crack, that led to a janitors closet. When Allen opened the door fully he saw a ladder leading up to what he thought was the roof. Looking up he noticed that the hatch to the roof was opened, sunlight streaming down through the hole to rest on his face. He made his way to the bottom of the ladder and took a deep breath before climbing up, not knowing what he would find at the top.

A/N: So for those of you who didn't read the chapter here's the quick summary I promised.

Long story short, in the flashback Alma kills himself and Kanda blames himself for Alma's death, even though he really couldn't have done anything to stop it. (I know it's really convoluted, but that's just the way I envisioned it so)

Anyway thanks again for reading, in the next chapter you'll get to see some of Allen's past. I'll explain the whole Noah thing (I hope), and probably throw some of you for a very interesting loop.

Please review and tell me what you all thought. I actually liked writing this chapter a lot, even though it was really depressing.