Author's Note:

Thanks again to Movieandbookgirl and Debussy_This for looking over the chapter.

Chapter 7

Monday, April 7, 2008

Bella

Over the past week, my nightmares had worsened, and the shadows under my eyes grew steadily darker. I stopped looking in the mirror so I wouldn't have to see how haggard I looked. I tried to keep eating, but I wasn't hungry. My biggest meals were when I visited with Alice, mostly because it was easier to eat than it was to argue with her. She worried that I hadn't recovered from being 'sick' earlier, and I didn't bother correcting her.

For the last several days, I'd spoken with Jacob each day. I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that our discussions were bright spots in the darkness. He was unfailingly chipper. He was funny. He liked me. Spending time with him gave me warm fuzzies.

The only taint on it was that I knew Edward would disapprove. I had spoken to Edward on the phone several times since he left. All of our conversations were short and impersonal. I hadn't bothered to mention my interactions with Jacob. After all, Edward's public show of affection with that other woman at the charity gala had reminded me that we had no hold on each other. I was only talking to Jacob, and I was doing it in private.

I was *this close* to telling Jacob the truth about me yesterday. I'd been up late last night, pondering whether it was the right thing to do.

Jake was my friend, and I was lying to him constantly about me and Edward. It sucked.

Yes, lying to Edward's family sucked too, but that was different. That lie was Edward's. They were his loved ones, and he bore the primary responsibility for that deception. The lie to Jacob felt personal. He was the friend I chose for myself.

I hated lying. I especially hated lying about this. Every time Jake and I spoke, I could see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out how on earth I ended up with Edward.

I wasn't supposed to tell a soul.

But the state of my soul was what I was concerned about. All of the deceptions were like a disease, and they were making me sicker with each passing minute. I needed someone to talk to. Someone friendly. Someone who knew me. Someone who liked me, who wasn't obligated to pretend to like me.

If Jake couldn't keep my secret, well, that was a risk I was willing to take. It was my life on the line, and I trusted him. I knew Emmett would be appalled if he ever found out, but he would never have to know. I think deep down, Emmett would want me to do whatever I needed to do to stay sane. And I needed this.

I was hungry for breakfast for the first time in days. Emboldened by my decision to tell Jake, I scarfed down a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice. I knew he had already arrived without bothering to look for his car out front.

I put my bowl and glass in the sink, not even bothering to rinse them. I laced up my tennis shoes and practically ran out the door. It had rained all day yesterday, and the ground was muddy. By the time I reached him, my shoes were brown and mud was caked on the bottom of my pant leg. My face wore what I imagined was a maniacal grin.

I could only imagine what Edward would have said if he could see me now. Edward was always so polished and proper, it was hard to envision what he might say. It wouldn't be flattering, of that I was sure. Jake, in direct contrast, saw me, took in my appearance and facial expression and grinned at me devilishly.

"Whatever you just did, you should do it every morning. I haven't seen you this happy ever."

"I made a decision."

Jake arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Can you take a break for about a half hour so I can tell you something?"

He looked around him, his eyes taking in the state of the ground. He had clearly been in the middle of working on something, and for a moment I had a flash of uncertainty about interrupting him.

My uncertainty disappeared when he gave me another grin. "Sure. Give me about ten minutes to wrap up here and I'll meet you in the house."

I practically skipped back.

Two minutes later, Jake surprised me by coming up behind me and wrapping me in a bear hug. I hadn't heard him come in, and for a moment I thought the Volturi had sent an assassin into the house. Nightmares with indistinct shapes and faces flitted across my vision.

No one should sneak up like that behind someone who had reason to believe people wanted her dead.

I screamed.

The terror must have shown on my face, because Jake was instantly contrite. "I didn't mean to scare you, Bells."

I shivered. "Sorry, I'm just a little jumpy," I paused, gathering myself back together. "And you said ten minutes!"

"You were so excited. I couldn't concentrate so I came right up."

I gestured for him to have a seat at the bar in the kitchen. I fetched us each a glass of lemonade, and sat down next to him.

I told him everything.

We were there more than hour.

I refilled our lemonade glasses halfway through, in part because it was so intense that I needed a break, but mostly because my grandma used to call lemonade 'talking elixir,' and the presence of the lemonade was comforting.

Jake was riveted to my story. Even I was somewhat captivated by it, and I had lived it. I mused that my comparison weeks ago was not that far off- it was like I was starring in a movie. When I finished my tale, Jake stared at me thoughtfully for several long seconds.

I held my breath, not sure what he would say. Would he believe me? Would he be mad I had deceived him for so long?

Suddenly his face broke out in an impossibly wide grin, and it was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

"What?" I asked. I had no idea what could possibly be so joyful about my story. I thought it was pretty damn depressing.

"You're not engaged," he replied. His brown eyes danced.

I shook my head. "Nope."

"That's fantastic news."

"I don't know if I would go that far…" There was a tiny little piece of me that kind of enjoyed pretending to be engaged to Edward. My neck tingled, and I remembered Edward had kissed me there when we were out playing pool. A flush crept into my cheeks, and I ducked my head to hide it from Jacob.

"Oh, I would, Bella," Jake assured me. "You two are from completely different universes."

"You don't have to rub it in."

"Not like that. I mean, you two are just different. From each other." At the look on my face, he added hastily, "And that's a good thing!"

I decided to let that comment slide, and I shifted the subject. "Now you see why it's so upsetting when you badmouth Edward."

Jake considered that for a moment. "Yeah, he's being pretty decent taking you in. Anyone would be lucky to have you, though."

"I'm kind of a disaster, Jake."

"Nah. You're intriguing."

"I love how you just made 'intriguing' a code word for 'disaster.'"

"Do you think they're going to kill you?" Jake's directness startled me.

"Um, well. Honestly?"

"Well?"

I gnawed my lip for a few seconds, keeping my eyes away from him. My voice, when it came out, was a whisper. "Yes."

"Then why are you doing it?"

I met Jake's eyes with my own and tried to convey in that look all of my reasons. When he continued to look at me in askance, I realized I was going to have to say something. I wasn't sure I'd ever articulated the reasons to myself, so it took me a couple of minutes to think of the right words. Jake waited patiently, slowly sipping his lemonade.

I took a deep breath and then the words tumbled out. "Someone has to stop them. What they're doing is so wrong it is sickening. It's not that I even believe I can stop them. But I know that I have to try to testify against them, or my life wouldn't be worth living."

Jake didn't buy it at all.

He did not want me to testify. He said we could run off to Mexico together and sip fruity drinks on the sand until the whole mess blew over.

I tried again to explain it, to explain that some things were worth dying for. Jake acknowledged that some things were worth dying for in the abstract, but he didn't think this was worth me dying.

Rain was threatening, so he had to go back outside and finish working. I watched him, for a while, but my buoyant mood from earlier had deflated.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Full nights of sleep were a thing of the past. I had taken to indulging in catnaps during the day to evade the nightmares. If I set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, I could have a snippet of dreamless sleep. If I did it often enough, maybe I could piece together a whole night of sleep.

I skipped breakfast. Nothing sounded appealing, not even a bowl of sugary cereal.

I heard Jake arrive, but I didn't want to talk to him. I was feeling fragile enough without facing his judgment of my decision.

I tried to read, but the words swam on the page. I gave up and put in a movie. Halfway through "10 Things I Hate About You," Jake knocked on the door.

I paused it, and grudgingly rose to answer the door.

"Hey," was my low-key greeting.

"Can I come in?"

"It's a free country," I said absently, though I belatedly realized it was private property that didn't belong to me or to Jake, rendering my statement ridiculous.

Jake brushed past me and into the house, removing his shoes at the door so as not to track mud around.

"Bells, I was thinking last night about the things you told me."

"Yeah?"

"I think you should stop moping."

"I'm not moping."

"You kind of are. What movie are you watching?"

"Oh, that. I'm not moping."

Jake laughed. "You're not fooling anyone, you know. You have these grand ideas about making a difference, but you're scared shitless like anyone would be."

I frowned. I was so not in the mood for this. Jake had no clue where I was coming from, and acting like he knew my feelings better than I did was not winning him any affection.

Undeterred by my decided lack of enthusiasm, he continued, "If you think these will be your last months of life, is this how you want to spend them?"

Perhaps he had a point, but I wasn't going to concede anything.

"I think you should make a list of things you want to do, in case you don't have the chance later," he concluded with a bright smile. "I'd be happy to help you, you know."

"I'll think about it." I was still surly about how yesterday's conversation had ended. That combined with sleep deprivation made me undesirable company. I escorted Jake out the door and gave him the best smile I could muster, so he would know I wasn't mad at him.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Tuesday night I couldn't sleep. I didn't know if my negative sleep associations were feeding on themselves to make sleep more elusive, or if I was so out of the habit of sleeping that I'd forgotten how.

Instead of sleeping, in the wee hours of Wednesday I made a list of things I wanted to do, like Jake had suggested.

My list ended up being short, because I was a realist. I couldn't bring myself to put 'meet my soul mate and get hitched' on the list. It wasn't as though I would have an opportunity to meet my soul mate before the trial, and even if I did, he wouldn't even notice me because I would be wearing Edward's engagement ring. And if I did meet him, wouldn't he be pretty damn disappointed when the Volturi killed me off? I wouldn't want to wish that on hypothetical him.

I focused on things I could do here. I wanted to put 'jump off a cliff,' because my dad had always joked about people who jump off a cliff just like everyone else. Since I didn't swim and I was afraid of heights, I decided that cliff-jumping was probably not a great list addition. Instead, I put, 'jump off high diving board.' That was a little bit nervy, but not deadly. It was also something that Jake could help me with, and that would make him happy. I listed a couple of other things that I thought were doable. I wanted to learn how to change the oil in my car, even though I no longer had a car. I hoped Jake would let me practice on his car; I didn't want to risk spilling oil in Edward's garage. A chocolate soufflé was also on the list. I was a good cook, but not so much on desserts. I loved chocolate, and if I could accomplish a soufflé, I would be pleased with myself. I added a couple of reading goals as well, since Edward's library was enticing.

After I tired of listing things, I slept in small snatches. I never was comfortable, and though I didn't remember sleeping, I must have slept some, because the night wasn't long enough otherwise.

When Jake arrived in the morning, I was waiting for him outside, list in hand.

"Good morning," I said, quite pleased with myself.

Jake's gaze zeroed directly in on the piece of paper in my hand. "You made a list!"

"It's not much." I didn't want to get his hopes up. It was a short list.

We walked to the backyard together, his arm slung around my shoulders. That was new. I liked it. I leaned into him a little, savoring the physical contact. He noticed, and gave my shoulder a squeeze. I tried not to notice that he gripped me a little too tightly.

Jake worked for a few hours, and I sat on the ground and watched him, occasionally helping when requested. I knew he was dying to ask me about my list, but he was waiting for me to tell him.

I loved watching him work. The play of muscles in his forearms was entrancing.

I made lunch for both of us and brought it outside. It was a rare sunny day, and unseasonably warm at almost seventy degrees. We had a picnic in the yard; a feast of chicken sandwiches, potato salad, and homemade chocolate chip cookies.

"This is delicious," Jake said happily, his mouth full of cookie.

I thought about my list, and decided now was as good of a time as any to broach the subject. "Can you swim?"

"Of course I can." Jake frowned. "Can't you?"

I shook my head. "I can kind of float."

"That's what's on your list? Learning to swim?"

"Not exactly. Learning how to swim would take too long, and these days I'm an instant gratification kind of person."

"Why did you ask, then?"

"The first thing on my list is going off that high diving board."

"But you can't swim!"

"I know. That's why I need your help." I smiled beatifically at him.

"Hey, Seth!" he called out across the grounds.

I whipped around to see the pool boy coming toward us. I did not want witnesses of my conversations with Jake. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but what if the pool boy reported on me to Edward? "Jake, I don't know about him," I started.

"Nah, he's cool. He and I go way back. Don't worry, Bella." Jake was waving his friend over.

Seth trotted over, his eyes darting between me and Jake, and finally down to my engagement ring. Jake and I needed to have a talk. A serious talk about keeping secrets and being discreet.

"Seth, you have got to try one of these cookies Bella made." Jake thrust a cookie toward Seth, and Seth hesitated.

"You know what Edward said," Seth spoke to Jake as though I wasn't there. My blush intensified.

"You're such a lapdog sometimes. Bella is cool. Just eat the damn cookie."

Seth hesitantly took a cookie and bit down into it. After the first bite, he smiled at me. "You made these?"

I nodded. "Uh huh."

"These are great."

"Told you," Jake said smugly.

I rolled my eyes at Jake and then said to Seth, "Thanks."

"Is the water in the pool warm today?"

Seth polished off the rest of his cookie. "Edward likes it at 85 degrees. So yes, it's warm."

"Do you have to keep saying his name?" Jake hissed.

"It's Edward's pool."

Jake ignored that, and instead looked at me. "What do you think, Bella?"

"You want to do it today?"

"Why not? It will be an easy way to get started on your list. A confidence builder, if you will."

"But I can't swim," I said stupidly.

"We'll jump together. I won't let you drown."

Seth's forehead crinkled in worry. "Jake, whatever you're planning, don't you think it's a bad idea to take Edward's fiancée into the pool if she can't swim?"

"You worry more than my grandma," Jake growled. "And besides, Bella needs this. She's had a hard time lately and she needs a chance to build some fun memories."

"Maybe she should be building them with Edward," Seth said pointedly.

Jake and Seth shared a long look, and I cleared my throat in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension. "Don't worry, Seth. I know Edward would want me to have some fun while he's gone." It was true. Granted, the fun he would want me to have would not include Jake… but hadn't he told me to try out the pool?

Seth looked unconvinced, but he did eat another cookie, which I took as a good sign.

Neither Jake nor I had swim suits, so I settled for a t-shirt and shorts. Jake kicked off his shoes and stripped off his shirt.

Jake did a "test" dive to make sure the water was okay. I knew he was showing off, but it was impressive anyway. His body entered the water in a clean line with little splash, which was far more than I hoped to accomplish for my upcoming jump off the diving board. I only wanted to make it in without hitting the water wrong.

Jake hoisted himself out of the pool, and walked toward me. He was dripping wet, and I tried not to let my eyes follow the rivulets of water that traveled down his bare chest.

"Ready, Bella? You climb up first, and then I'll follow. Once we're both up there, I'll count to three and then we'll jump."

"Should I hold my nose?"

"Only if you're not smart enough to breathe out as you hit the water."

In that case, yes, I would hold my nose. "Is there a good way to jump?"

"You realize it's only 3 meters high, right? As long as you don't jump flat on your back, you'll be fine."

He was right. The diving board wasn't that high. I could do this.

I stepped out of my flip-flops and gingerly walked over to the pool, careful to avoid the puddles created by Jake when he exited the pool. With my luck, I would probably slip and fall on the tile before I even made it up to the diving board.

I climbed the steps slowly, one at a time. I put one foot on the diving board and stepped up. Standing on the diving board, I looked around. This wasn't so bad. I didn't know what had possessed me to compare this to jumping off a cliff. It was more like jumping off a boulder.

At the end of the diving board, I looked down. Big mistake. Three meters had never seemed so high. Three meters was only about ten feet. And I was more than five feet tall, so the diving board was less than two of me high. It wasn't high at all, and yet, I was suddenly less keen on jumping.

The diving board suddenly started to move, and I held out my arms to keep my balance. I shot an alarmed look over my shoulder, and realized it was Jake, joining me on the springboard. Too bad he moved like a herd of elephants.

Several terrifying moments of board-shaking movement later, I felt Jake's cold wet hands on my waist. I shivered.

Jake leaned in toward me and spoke directly into my ear. "Remember, hold your nose, keep your body straight. I won't let you go, so don't panic when you hit the water. We jump on the count of three."

I nodded, too scared to trust my voice.

"One."

I almost told him I changed my mind. I didn't have anything to prove.

"Two."

Images of the Volturi flickered through my brain: Aro, Caius, Marcus, Demetri, Jane, Alec… Fear of them mingled with my fear of jumping, and I felt physically ill.

"Three."

I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I jumped.

True to his word, Jacob wrapped his arms around my waist as I jumped, and he didn't let go, even when we hit the water.

I forgot to hold my nose, and I came to the surface sputtering in Jake's arms. We bobbed up and down in the water as his legs moved in a steady rhythm beneath us, keeping us afloat in the deep water.

Jake swam me to the pool ladder and I climbed out on shaky legs.

"You okay, Bells?"

Safe on warm tile with a towel wrapped around me, I smiled.

"I am okay."

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow on Wednesday night, but the sleep was terrifying and not restful at all. I couldn't remember any of the scary dreams in the morning. The dream that I remembered the most was the one where I could hear that mean, frizzy-haired woman from the charity gala in my head, cackling about me dying a virgin.

I hated her. I hoped that wine permanently stained her dress.

I threw on a robe, trudged down the stairs, and parked myself on a stool at the kitchen bar. There on the counter, under a pencil, was my too-short list of things to do before the trial, scrawled in my messy script.

I picked up the pencil. Was losing my virginity a stupid thing to put on my wish list?

Yes.

Maybe not.

Jake had said he would help me with my list. He'd already jumped with me off the high diving board into the pool. I had a feeling he wouldn't mind helping me with my virginity problem. And our little experience in the pool together had shown me something about him.

He had a rocking bod. Like smoking hot.

A girl would have to be dead not to notice.

I winced at my own poor choice of words. I wasn't dead yet. There was still time for me.

I decided not to write it on the list. There was something sketchy about putting it down on paper, where anyone could see it. Not very many people knew I was saving myself for marriage. My parents had known, once upon a time, when they were alive. Angela knew, but I would probably never see her again. Emmett knew, because I told him the night we got drunk together after we almost died. We never talked about that night, though, and we were so drunk I wasn't even sure he remembered our conversation.

Thoughts of Emmett brought a smile to my lips, but the smile faded when I forced myself to think of him with Rosalie. Emmett was not going to make passionate love to me the night before the trial. He would never betray his family that way, and of course that was one of the things I admired about him.

Jake arrived for the day, and I let him in.

His beaming smile decided me. I could do much, much worse than lose my virginity to Jake. If I lived through this whole trial experience and somehow did manage to find my Prince Charming, I might regret not having saved myself for marriage, but at least I'd be alive to regret it. And in some twisted kind of way, the logic worked out. With my luck, I would live to regret it. And I would much rather live to regret something like sex with Jake than die because the Volturi killed me.

On some level I knew I wasn't making sense, but I didn't care. I needed something to cling to, because I could not go on indefinitely without food or sleep.

Jake saw the list in my hand, and asked, "What's on the list for today?"

Today? No, we wouldn't do it today. I wasn't quite ready. But if I was set on this plan, we needed to do it before Edward came home on Sunday, because this was not something I wanted to explain to him. So Saturday would be the day.

But what if I enjoyed the sex and wanted to do it again? Friday, then. That way if things went well, we would still have Saturday together before Edward was home. It was weird to think about doing things when Edward wasn't here. It made it seem like I was cheating on him, but I wasn't. So why did it feel like I was?

"Bells?"

"Sorry Jake, just thinking." I forced out thoughts of Edward. It wasn't cheating. Edward would only care if people found out. We would be discreet, so it would be fine.

"For today, I thought we'd hit item #2 on the list, but I wanted to talk to you about tomorrow…"

Friday, April 11, 2008

Alice

I hummed merrily all the way to Edward's house. My tiny trunk was filled with baby purchases, and the only thing missing was someone to admire my shopping prowess. Normally, Jasper could be relied on for times such as these, but he did this thing called work during the day.

I know. I've never understood it either.

I wasn't without responsibilities and duties, but most of them revolved around making appearances on behalf of my family's charitable foundation and cogitating on my fledgling fashion line. The appearances happened at night, usually, though sometimes in the afternoon. The cogitations about fashion occurred anywhere, anytime. They weren't constrained by a pedestrian concept like business hours. I tried to explain this to Jasper, but he was hung up on the idea of business transactions happening at a set time, mainly between 8:00 A.M. and 6:00 P.M.

I wasn't too upset with him today, though, because I was going to visit Bella. Edward had been gone for way too long, and I was sure by now she was practically climbing the walls. I'd seen her several times over the last couple of weeks, and she definitely appreciated company.

We were starting to become close, like sisters should be, and it made me happy to know little Joshua Carlisle was going to have such a sweet aunt. That warm feeling grew even warmer when I thought about how maybe I would be an aunt again in the not-too-far-off future. Edward could be so cold with adults, but he loved children. Edward and Bella would have beautiful babies.

I pulled into the driveway with a flourish and dashed up to the door.

Okay, I didn't really dash, because I was seven months pregnant, but 'dashed' sounded much better than 'waddled.'

I knocked on the door, but there was no answer.

I rang the doorbell, but there was no answer.

I peeked in the garage and counted. All four cars were accounted for.

Bella was probably napping. Or showering. Or something.

What could she be doing at three in the afternoon?

An inkling of worry crawled into my stomach. Maybe she was sick again. Or, more likely, maybe she was hurt. She was awfully clumsy. Goodness, Edward would never forgive me if she were injured and needed help and none of us even noticed.

I whipped out my handy-dandy key and let myself in. I turned off the alarm with practiced ease and took the stairs two at a time up to Bella and Edward's bedroom.

I made it as far as the guest room.

The guest room door was half-way open, and through it I saw Bella getting hot and heavy with the gardener.

The gardener!

How could she? That ungrateful slut! After all the love and time I put into sexing her up, she was wasting it on the gardener?

Edward was going to have a shit fit.

Should I tell Edward? He acts cold, but inside he's warm and gooey. He would be devastated. What if I didn't tell Edward and he married her anyway? That could be a disaster of epic proportions, both emotionally and financially. Yes, I would have to tell Edward.

They still hadn't seen me. Gardener was sliding his hands up Bella's shirt, working on second base.

Should I stop them or should I see how far Bella was going to go? For all I knew, Bella had been sleeping with him every day since Edward left, but something told me this was the first time. If it truly was a one-time occurrence, maybe Edward would forgive her if she didn't go all the way, though at this point I wasn't sure if I wanted him to.

I cleared my throat.

He didn't hear me, but she did.

Her eyes flew open and met mine.

"Alice!"

I crossed my arms over my chest and rested them on my belly. I had some choice words I wanted to share with Bella, but I knew Joshua Carlisle could hear me with his perfectly formed little ears so I kept my mouth closed.

Gardener finally noticed me. He stepped away from Bella, but he did not look chagrinned at all. If I hadn't worried that Edward coming home to dead flowers would add insult to the injury of Bella hitting it with his gardener, I would have fired him there on the spot.

Bella pushed Gardener away and straightened her shirt. "This isn't what you think."

I arched an eyebrow, as I continued to keep my tongue in check. Oh, the things I wanted to say to her… but I had to keep little J.C. innocent as long as possible.

Bella glanced back at Gardener and then at me, "Well, maybe it is what you think, but I can explain."

That last little sentence of hers made me even angrier, and I struggled to master my temper. I did not want to transmit stress or anger to the baby, so I decided to keep this as short as possible. "Save it for Edward."

"Alice…"

"Don't even start. I don't want to hear it."

Bella swallowed, her eyes wide and scared. She should be scared. I'd been on the receiving end of Edward's temper before, and it was not pretty. I almost felt sorry for her.

But not really.

I was feeling pretty damn betrayed that someone I thought was going to be my sister was a two-timing slut. And I could only imagine how Edward was going to feel.

"I'm leaving now. But you should know that I am calling Edward to tell him all about this little incident. I think it would be best if you and I didn't see or talk to each other for a long time." I didn't stay to see the look on Bella's face.

I walked down the steps and out to my car and drove home, my finger twitching on my phone.