Students of Hogwarts,
Draco and I would like to thank everyone for their, er, illuminating and thought-provoking letters. We regret to inform, however, that this will be our last column featured in the Daily Hogwarts. We, and our Headmaster has agreed, that the advice column has done its job in, er, fostering inter-house relations (that, and Draco and I are still having trouble blocking the nightmares).
No longer here to help,
Draco (thank Merlin) Malfoy and Ginny (still wondering why she's dating this ill-mannered ferret) Weasley
-x-
Dear Draco,
Today I woke up with . . . erm . . . well, safe to say it was a 'glorious morning'. Obviously this is a regular thing with us males—I'm just concerned because, well, the only thing I can remember about my dream is . . . my sister.
Please tell me I'm not an incestuous pillock and that this is something you've heard of/had happen. Please, for the love of Merlin.
Regards,
Got Wood
Wood,
I have no siblings. You are an incestuous pillock.
My advice? Sleep with someone who looks like your sister and get it all out of your system. Hell, just sleep with your sister if it bothers you that much! Just don't write to me about it.
Draco
-x-
Dear Ginny,
Lay off Draco Malfoy. He's mine. He's been mine ever since his mother introduced us and started planning our marriage when we were four. Take your filthy fingers off him—there are other ways to get money.
Do as I say, or things will get nasty.
Draco's Dearest One
Draco's Not-So Dearest One,
I'm going to blunt: he's with me. That was his choice, and I think you should just get over it. He obviously doesn't like you.
Oh, and one other thing: tell me what to do again and I'll hex you into next week.
Ginny
-x-
Dear Draco,
I heard from your friends Crabbe and Goyle that you pocketed a small present wrapped in green in your second year. I was wondering what it was, because it may have been my twenty-year-old chocolate frog. If it was, please may I have it back?
Lost Frog
Lost Frog,
No.
Draco Malfoy
-x-
Dear Ginny,
I am a Hufflepuff, seventh year, and my boyfriend graduated from Hogwarts last year. He and I wear promise rings because we want to wait until we married before we become intimate. This has been frustrating for me because I am somewhat curious about . . . sex. I love him very much, but I've met a boy from Slytherin and we have become very close. We meet in the library every day and sometimes on the Quidditch pitch.
Lately there has been a certain tension between us—the good kind of tension, if you know what I mean; I have a feeling that he will try to kiss me soon. He is completely gorgeous, and maybe it's because I am lonely, but I think about him taking me down into his dungeon and . . . well. They say there are chains hanging from the ceiling in the boys' dorm area, and I would be lying if I said I'm not intrigued. What should I do?
Signed,
Hungry Like the Wolf
Dear Hungry,
If I know one Slytherin man (and I do—don't tell Ron), I know that he's playing you, darling. If you haven't already succumbed to his subtle, sweet flirtations and that charming, roguish manipulation, get the hell away from him while you still have the brain to do so. Call your squeeze and let him know that you need to spend the Christmas hols 'exploring' some things, if you must.
If you're in over your head, at least do the noble thing and break it off with Mr Promise. You don't seem the type to keep illicit trysts a secret. Either way, you're only young once . . . and those chains are pretty fun.
Ginny
P.S. I thought Hufflepuff had a secret penchant for deviant activities—you might want to ask that boyfriend of yours a few leading questions before you throw him to the wind. I hear they're handy with a riding crop . . .
-x-
Dear Draco,
My boyfriend left me for a trashy girl who's failing Potions. Now, even though he said he wants to be friends, he won't even talk to me anymore. While I miss him so much as a lover, I also miss his friendship. How can I at least renew our friendship and perhaps get him back from the red-haired bint?
Sincerely,
Ysnap Nosnikrap
Ysnap,
He'll leave the redhead and love you again if you dye your skin purple, bathe in dung daily, and have a romantic relationship with the Giant Squid (to make him jealous, of course—jealousy works wonders in mending relationships). Or you could move on and find a new boy to stalk. It would probably do less damage to your reputation, and your skin.
DM
P.S. And henever said he wanted to be friends.
-x-
Draco,
So is the Firebolt 4000 compensating for something?
Signed,
Better at Quidditch . . . and other things.
Potter,
You wish.
Malfoy
P.S. I'd like to send out a special thank you to Worried for being so inspirational. I think that I've proven that there's nothing that needs compensation. Right, Weaselette?
-x-
Ginny,
My boyfriend told me I was getting fatter. Do you know any particularly painful hex I could use to make him feel sorry?
H.
H,
My Bat-Bogey Hex is fantastic, but a witch never divulges her secrets. I would suggest going to Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes and have a look at their prank range. They would have something to get pay back.
Ginny
-x-
Dear Draco,
I told my girlfriend she is getting fat. I was just trying to point it out so she might want to do some exercising or something like that. Obviously, she took it the wrong way as she's not speaking to me at the moment. What can I do to get back in her good books?
Reciever-of-the-Cold-Shoulder
Dear Girlfriend Victim,
Of all the words to choose from, you used the F word? It's widely known that women, aside from being fickle, tend to choose the smallest, most trivial detail from everything you do and interpret it in the worst possible way, and they are especially partial to the word spelled F-A-T. You will have to do exactly as I say if you want to live long enough to beget offspring.
Assure her that you think that her 'filling out' (and use these exact words) is actually a pleasant change from all her previous dieting (and think about it for a moment—aren't you tired of treating someone to a perfectly good meal only to have half of it thrown down the drain because she's 'on a diet'?). Tell her that you will care for her no matter her appearance. At least a fraction of genuine feeling is required to pull this off correctly, and, if you have those things (feelings), then she will most likely forgive you. Otherwise, don't be surprised if she continues giving you the cold shoulder or hexing you into oblivion.
Also, watch where she goes during Hogsmeade trips. Wouldn't want you to turn into a canary any time now, would we? Actually, I don't care if you get turned into a bird.
Draco
-x-
Dear Ginny,
How do you deal with that brother of yours? Myself, I can't get over his temper. It's atrocious.
Headache in Herbology
Dear Headache in Herbo,
Bat-Bogey Hex works for me. Once I wave my wand to the spell of it, his talking contraption that I call his mouth immediately shuts off. Which lowers down his temper, which is not atrocious anymore.
Ginny
-x-
Dear Draco,
Rumour has it you're a bottle blond. Is it true? Does your whole family dye their hair? If so, what shade do you use? I'm thinking about dyeing mine.
Curious Brunette
Dear Curious Heretic,
I am appalled you would dare ask such a thing . . . I cannot even form the words. Potter, I would sleep with one eye open, if I were you. If this isn't Potter, then whoever you are, you are a small-minded, tactless troll; I have a bit of required reading for you. The first bit is Miss Manners' Book of Etiquette. The second is last month's Witch Watch. On page 35, there is an article on my mother, as well as tips on how to 'get the look'. No one can duplicate the inherent class of the Malfoy family, but you may try. And fail.
Still Insulted,
DM
-x-
Dear Draco,
My boyfriend invited me to a fancy restaurant, but I'm afraid I'll use the wrong fork for salad or the spoon for dessert. Help!
Etiquette Ignorant
Etiquette Ignorant,
If you have no clue about which fork to use, why in Merlin's name is your boyfriend taking you to such a restaurant? Does he not see you have no class? Idiot.
Draco
P.S. Draco, you git! Sorry, Ginny here. Excuse his crass lack of caring. I suggest Miss Manners' Book of Etiquette or something similar. Have you considered asking your boyfriend to show you? If all else fails, you start from the outside set of cutlery and work your way in.
Ginny
-x-
Dear Ginny,
I have horrid trouble controlling my temper. The tiniest things just grate on my nerves so much that if I have to put up with them long enough, I will spontaneously combust (literally—it's how they knew I was a wizard in the first place).
Please help. I've alienated my family and friends, and now I just don't know what to do anymore.
Reign on Fire
Reign on Fire,
Professor Slughorn may be able to give you a potion to control your temper. Or you could just count to ten when you get mad or do something calming, like yoga or pilates.
Ginny Weasley
-x-
Dear Draco,
Me and my girlfriend are getting quite serious, and we feel it's time to take the next step. Unfortunately, I am somewhat lacking in girth in a certain department. I am not concerned about her, as she's petite and it would be just the right size for her. I am worried about my reputation amongst the fellows. You see, I'm a Quidditch star, an excellent duellist, and a bit of a celebrity around here. I have a lot of expectations to live up to. I've heard you are quite gifted in this respect, and I confess myself shooting glances at your large bulge, in envy and ecstasy. Any tips?
Signed,
The Boy Who Lacked
Potter,
I do not want to know these details about you, or that part of your life. Are you trying to give me nightmares?
Malfoy
-x-
Dear Ginny,
I have been having a few problems with my boyfriend. His breath really reeks and when I kiss him, I always retch. How can I put it subtly to him that he needs a mint?
Minty-O
Dear Minty-O,
Sometimes, you just need to be blunt—tell him his breath reeks and to get a mint. If he still loves you after that, then it's meant to be. If not, you no longer have a boyfriend with bad breath. Win-win.
Ginny
-x-
Dear Draco,
Recently, I've been hearing a lot of weird grunting noises coming from this guy's bed in my dorm. It happened again last night and today I noticed some balled up tissues lying around the bed and a bottle of Eaze Lotion on his bedside table.
It's obvious what he was doing, and the other guys have been wondering what we should do. It's got to the stage where we can't sleep anymore. How do we tell this dude that we can hear him polishing his wand and we need him to shut up?
Sleepless
Sleepless,
Next time you're disturbed, ask him if he'd like the rest of you to help him. Best if this is loud and sarcastic. I find a nice arrogant drawl works well when you're intent on humiliating a deserving idiot.
Just be prepared with a retort if he agrees to your help—unless you swing that way, in which case . . . have fun, I guess.
Draco
-x-
Dear Ginny,
Last night I found out my boyfriend keeps a lot of stuffed animals in his bedroom and that he occasionally talks to them. I heard him saying, 'So, Mister Bubbles, I hope you aren't jealous of [my name]?' and 'Tinkles, do you want a hug? Daddy wants a hug!'
Should I be worried?
Certainly-Not-Mister-Bubbles
Dear Dating a Nutter,
When Dumbledore asked me to host an advice column, I thought it would be a good opportunity to help others. Now I find that I am deeply disturbed about how many people at this school have serious issues. It's rather frightening, really. I may have to talk to the Headmaster about lightening the study load or maybe have students screened for signs of spell damage. I can't walk the halls anymore without questioning whether or not any of you are sane. It's no wonder I'm dating a certified prat, since he seems quite normal compared to the rest of you.
As for Bubbles and Tinkles, I'd say run far and fast. This guy might be talking to his toys today, but tomorrow he'll be listening to the voices in his head that are telling him to maim and dismember things.
Ginny
-x-
Dear Draco,
I'm worried that my girlfriend is a nymphomaniac. All she ever wants to do anymore is ditch class and snog. At first, I didn't mind much, but now it's kind of irritating and tiresome. I really like her, but she was so different at first. Was she just faking it to do me? She really seemed to care, but now I'm just not sure. Ever since our first time together, every time she sees me it's all, 'Let's go some place quiet. Let's go and be alone . . .' I wish she were back to the way she used to be.
Sexually Unsatisfied
Weasley,
You have two options: you realise that you've been playing for the other team far too long and go fish for scar-head, or you go and find some intellectual stimulation with Granger. Whichever one you choose, stop bothering me! Dear Draco wants to ditch class and snog your sister.
Malfoy
-x-
DG Forum Notes: Yes, this indeed the end. We hope you enjoyed reading the selected letters that were taken from the original Dear Draco and Ginny thread to create this story. If you wish to read more, or even participate yourself, feel free to check out the thread at the forum. We won't be adding more to this story, but the game is still very much in progress. The link to the forum can be found on our profile.
A special thank you to Lia (lncognito) for helping with the editing of these chapters and giving us the idea to turn our little game into a story. Also, we would like to thank all members who participated in the thread and gave us such amusing (and, as Draco would say, nightmarishly disturbing) letters to work with.
