Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here!
No unsigned reviews this time, either! Thank you all for letting me leave a message to you. On with the story then, I suppose. Enjoy! :3
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.
Unspeakable
Story by Apple Fairy
Please go.
Like this, it's impossible. Like this, it's forbidden.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
But that doesn't mean it's okay.
That doesn't mean I can be with you.
…But is it alright if you stay by my side, anyway?
Ghosts don't really exist, do they? Not the monsters that haunt various dungeons, but actual human spirits embodied. I mean, I feel as if something is watching me. However, every time I turn to look, there is nothing, except my cabin's bed. Am I merely imagining it? I admit, I do fancy ghosts stories, the strange unexplained nature of the world fascinating me…but being a part of one I would likely avoid. It is more so enjoyable to hear about one, then be in one, I must admit. I sighed, and turned back to the desk, the dim lighting the paper. I have finished off at least…seventy-eight pages.
Goodness.
It is a fortunate thing I had brought a journal (or two) to preoccupy myself. After learning of what was going to happen…I had a need to write our story. Seeing as what's going to happen tomorrow, I knew it would be forgotten. Just another event in the history of the world, perhaps the Score as well, if it was still alive to this day. Something that held no meaning to others, no importance.
But it was important to me. What humans most likely fear the most is being forgotten. As if you had never existed. I know I, as a princess, will be remembered in history. Written down as one who helped defeat Van Grants, the one who had ambitions as to replicate the whole world. We all would, all of us who had assisted Luke. I do not fear being forgotten.
However, this time in my life, the days, months, and years I had with Guy that meant so much to me, would be forgotten.
I realize we had promised it would be forgotten, but it was so important to me. Guy, you were important to me.
After mulling over the idea, after rejecting it, only to consider it once more, I decided I would.
Before tomorrow, on the way there, I would write a memoir (or confession) on our affair.
Here I am now.
Guy…I still wish to see you. I realize tomorrow I shall, but still…I want to talk about it once more. To break our promise, for just a while. I wish to ask on your opinion on it. How did you feel when I left you back in that library? Were you heartbroken? I apologize greatly for how much insulted you. I know it is pointless now, but I realize I never appropriately apologized for my actions and words. To this day, I would never even dream of hurting you in any way. You are precious to me, not only as a friend, but as an old love, as well. I think, if after Asch and Luke, you would be the most important man to me, the one who has affected me in an immense way.
…Guy, when I see you tomorrow, can we talk? Alone, if it's not too much to ask? I want to speak to you about the past. I want you to remember with me.
I can envision it now. The sun will be up, high in the sky, casting it's warmth onto me. I will be walking through the streets of Grand Chokmah, you're new home. Lost are those days when we would walk the cobblestone paths of Baticul, talking as old friends, as companions, as secret lovers. I have grown to known you as a Malkuthian noble; yourself still acting as the Guy I know so well.
I will most likely be accompanied by the Kimlascan royal guard, needing bodyguards as I walk through Malkuth's capital. I wouldn't need them, but father would insist. I wouldn't blame him; it is better to be safe then sorry, after all.
I would dismiss them as soon as I reached your manor though, of course. No one else would need to listen to what happened between us; it has to stay between us, must remain so.
Would I hesitate? It is reasonable. It would be the first time we would speak about the subject in two years. The sunset had looked so warm, so clear that day on the port, when we had vowed to never speak of it again, to bury it, permanently, in the back of our minds. Staying the past, the past that had never happened.
I would hesitate, my fist still held before your door, waiting to be brought backwards, then forwards, only to do it one more to catch your attention. Yes, I would hesitate, be nervous, and be unsure of myself. I know myself well, and I know some things are better left dead.
But this need to talk about it, to talk about it with you is too great, and I would do it anyway. Knock, knock.
It would be a few seconds that would feel like forever until you would open the door. I would be kept in suspense, soon regretting my actions, trying to think of an excuse as to why I was there, a different reason. 'Well you see, I was just in the neighborhood…' or perhaps 'I had the wrong address!'.
…No, none of these excuses are valid. I would then have a need to run, to just throw away the image of one who is patient, who is brave just for my comfort.
Then, just as soon as my legs would get the strength, you would open the door, soon smiling, saying my name, asking why I was here. Why not come in? Should I fix you up a cup of tea?
Guy you have become so predictable, it is hard to decide whether that is a good thing or not.
I would smile, and nod a bit. 'Yes, that sounds lovely, thank you.'
After getting myself comfortable, after receiving the tea you promised, and taking a polite sip, I would begin.
"I've been thinking of our old affair lately…"
And you would stay quiet. Solemn. The smile disappearing from your face, the air getting serious. I would watch you face intently, waiting eagerly on an answer, with fear or hopefulness…I do so dearly hope it is the first.
Then, after what would most likely feel like forever, your mouth would open, the words forming, and you would say…
…Wait.
What would you say? All I'm drawing is a blank, that part of the imagination coming up void. Like film that was ruined at the end, the images blurring, then burning, holes forming on the once perfect picture. The film would flutter to an end, the projector clicking to a stop, the room turning dark. Something like that.
My love, Guy, how would you react? Would you smile, and talk about it with soft consideration. Ignore my pursuits and tell me to never bring it up, we promised, remember Natalia? Or, maybe, you would say you miss it?
I highly doubt it, seeing as what will occur tomorrow.
The first one seems like you. Talking, but not hinting at anything.
I sigh, and shake my head. It matters not. It is not as if I will actually address the situation tomorrow. You will be too busy, as will I.
For now, I have only myself to talk to about the affair. By writing this, I am admitting it happened, not ignoring it, turning a blind eye to it. I am calling it out, making a show that I know it happened. I am brave, or perhaps too daring, as a result? I'm not sure. I'm not entirely comfortable answering the question.
I pick up the pen, and continue. I chose ink, because I won't be able to go back and erase it. Yes, I could tear up the paper, but I still did it. It is more so symbolism. It is a show that I have taken this step to acknowledge it. It is not for other's eyes, but proof to myself.
Proof that I didn't forget, but tried to remember. Maybe even wanted it back.
I shivered. Winter was coming too fast. I could already feel it biting into my bones, crawling up my spine, and freezing my toes. I kept this all in, though, trying to look professional. Ladies do not show discomfort, princesses especially when they are in meetings.
After having rested from my trip, after sleeping an afternoon and night away, filling in father the next morning of what I experienced, catching up on paperwork I had pushed to the side for the trip, it was time I had settled down. Father had consulted the Score on what action we should take next, soon Grand Maestro Mohs gracing us with his presence after two days had passed since father had sent the carrier pigeon. Now, father held a meeting, the Grand Maestro, Alpine, Goldberg, Duke Fabre, and many other important nobles were seated around, father and I next to one another. He coughed for attention, and looked around to everyone, the look of authority, the one I wished for one day when I would become Queen, with Luke at my side.
If, of course, Guy would stay out of my head, and stop catching my eye.
I shrugged off the thought of him, not even allowing the thought a chance. I had kept myself busy as soon as I left that library, and I would not falter now.
"I realize you all know why you are here." Father began, catching my attention, thankful for this meeting to preoccupy myself. Everyone murmured in agreement. Soon one of the nobles cleared their throats. She pursed her lips, as soon as the room hushed itself.
"Your Highness, if I may ask, why is General Cecille not present?" She inquired, a look of sternness on her face. I could understand that; at meeting such as this, there was an air of importance. These types of nobles, the ones who held power in politics, the ones who worried over the country as much as I, I was proud to know. There were other ones, the ones who were simply rich, who had gained the status through business, which cared more to play around then to lead. They played a part as well, but a small one, only as a part of the economy. These ones I wasn't so respectful of. I realize they were a part of this country…but the lazy ones were the ones I could not stand.
I held off the want to smile. It was at times such as this, that I was happy to be sitting where I was, grateful to have such a position as this. Kimlasca was my responsibility as well, and I would help it gratefully.
"She is busy leading the troops on the battlefield. She is not needed, however, as we have one to represent one who has been there." He replied, and looked to me. I felt pride rise into my chest. Now was my time to shine, to help with the cause. I could see father's eyes soften and gleam.
"Natalia, your report."
I nodded slightly, stood up, and cleared my throat, my report in my hands, the paper thin and small. It was my turn to speak now. I felt a bit of nervousness ail me, but ignored it. As a monarch, I had to have confidence. I had to act as if the world was interested in me, as if my words were all that mattered then. That was what I was taught, and that was how I would act.
"When I visited the area near Akzeriuth, I found our troops in great trouble. They have been running low on supplies such as food, medicine, and clothing. With the approaching winter, they will need warmer clothing, yet there was none to spare. Also, even if Kimlasca is more advanced with weaponry, Malkuth still has an advantage in fonic artes, and that has been hindering our battles significantly. It would be wise, in my opinion, to send more troops. It is that, or we can surrender to Malkuth, or consider a truce." I ended, bowed, and returned to my seat. I was glad I hadn't managed to stutter or pause. I felt pride swell in my chest once more, but looked to the others with a nonchalant expression, nonetheless. After all, as I am warned daily, pride cometh before a fall.
"As Natalia has stated, we are in danger of losing. With that in mind," Father turned his head to Mohs who sat next to him. "We have consulted the Score. Grand Maestro, if you would?"
Mohs nodded curtly, and stood up, all eyes on him.
"As requested from His Majesty, our Scorers looked into it. It stated that Kimlasca should form a truce with Malkuth. His Imperial Majesty Peony shall come to the city of Baticul and agree to it here. With that, the war shall end, and both sides must retreat. If this war continues, Kimlasca shall lose, and lose Akzeriuth to Malkuth."
He seated himself after giving his report. From the corner of my eye I saw father nod, almost unnoticeably. Everything was going smoothly. He turned to the others, eyes moving from one face to the other.
"With that, I must ask you all if it is wise to take such action. Do you all agree with the Score's reading?"
I knew the answer already. The Score was always right, always led us to prosperity. I imagined everyone would agree, unanimously.
"It sounds reasonable enough." Duke Fabre spoke up, shoulders squared, blue eyes emitting confidence. "If the Score has been read as such, there is no reason to doubt it."
"I agree."
"He is right."
"Let's follow that course of action."
Soon everyone was muttering in agreement. Of course. There was no reason to go against the Score, why now?
I looked across from father. Was the Grand Maestro smirking? He was looking at everyone as if they were…dirt to him? How rude! And why would he-?!
"I oppose."
Soon, the room was hushed, all eyes turning to one who had spoken out. It had been Goldberg, his posture firm, as if he was standing to his ideals with the same strength.
"But why?" a noble next to him asked, "if the Score has advised it-!"
"I would rather die," He cut in, voice firm, "then make peace with Malkuth."
The room was silent. Would rather die? Did he not worry of the soldiers in the battlefield, did not think of their well-being? After having seen what I saw, have spoken my speech, seeing their faces lighten with such admiration…they had been so kind to me, so courteous. The sooner they were allowed out of the battlefield, the better, in my opinion.
I glanced to everyone's reactions, my eyes soon caught on to the Grand Maestro again. He looked angry, his glare directed at Goldberg. Daath was a neutral country, why would it concern him?
I looked over to father. He cleared his throat, and looked ahead.
"Alright then. All those that agree with the Score's reading and to follow it?"
"Aye."
I had spoken up as well. We had all agreed, all voices becoming one, with the thought of our country in mine. All but one.
"Then, as a unanimous vote, we shall meet with his Imperial Majesty. Meeting adjourned."
There was a shuffling of clothes then, a moving of chairs as everyone stood. I let out a sigh, my shoulders slumping. I looked up, observing the etchings of the ceiling. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to who had committed the act.
Father was smiling at me.
"You did well, Natalia."
I felt the pride once more swell in my chest, and looked to the side.
"Thank you, Father."
He stood up, and I did as well. We would have to thank them all for their time. Courtesy is always a top priority with my behavior. As soon as we said our goodbyes to them, thanked Mohs one last time, and saw the last noble off, I sighed once more, and hugged myself.
"Are you still tired?"
I looked over to him, and smiled. The air of importance had been blown away, there was nothing weighing us, and now all we could be was father and daughter.
"No it's just…I'm not good with cold weather."
"Your mother was the same."
I looked over to him. I was thankful for the times when father would speak of mother. I had barely knew her, not even given a chance, and looked forward to any tidbit of information I was given. I wished to know the woman who had given birth to me, who could have raised me with the unrequired love of a parent. Of course, I would never pry for the facts; father would look sad when he spoke of her. So, it was times like this, when he would tell me just a bit, that I was happy for.
"She was?"
"Yes. When it was cold out, she refused to leave the castle. If she had to, she would wear at least three layers."
I laughed. All I knew of her face was the portrait in father's chamber. I imagined her features contorting to that of a grimace at the thought of snow, and laughed. Such a perfect face, turning into a comical one.
"Well! I'm not sure I would go that far."
"I hope so!"
I smiled, and sighed. "There is so much to do now." I lamented, deciding to change the subject. As one who was trained in the ways of conversation (as a lady of the household should) I knew a variety of subjects. "We must send a messenger to Malkuth and wait for His Imperial Majesty's response, then set up a date for the treaty signing…And we must also prepare for the Emperor's visit if he does agree…And what if he doesn't? Then we must plan a different course of action…"
I sighed once more, and shook my head. "There is so much to think about…"
Father laughed, catching my attention. I looked to him, surprised.
"Now, Natalia!" He shook his head, "Those are matters for me to worry about. You have done enough; take a break. You haven't seen Luke since you returned, have you?"
I bit my lower lip and realized he was right. I nodded slowly. "No, I have not."
"Then, do that. He must be worried about you. Let me handle the rest."
I suddenly felt touched by his actions, and nodded, smiling. "If you insist, father. Th…Thank you."
He patted me once more on the shoulder, grip gentle, hand warm on my bare shoulder. Father was kind like this, insisting I not work myself too hard, to be a child for just a little longer. To cherish it, to know that I had a long time until I would be Queen. Do not act as one yet, Natalia. You are still a young girl, and I want you to enjoy it as much as you can. I want you to be happy.
I watched him walk off, back to his study, to plan. He hobbled a little, the cane put first, then his foot. He looked so wise then, so powerful. I was proud to be his daughter, to be the heir to the throne. I found myself smiling, and quickly awakened myself, and headed to my room. Ladies do not space out in the main hall. It is unprofessional.
As I arrived, giving the order to change into warmer clothes, and as soon as I was being helped by the maids, my mind wondered to Luke. Would he truly be worried for my wellbeing? I doubted it, somewhat. However, I did long to see him, did wonder how he fared without me.
Most likely better.
Not that I would let that get to me though. I would greet him, and he would have to endure me. We were to get married, and he would have to get used to the thought.
Who knows, perhaps he remembered the promise. How much more pleasant he would be if he did…
Guy.
I felt shock run through me. I had almost forgotten about him, had fended of the thought of him so long I thought it would surely not return.
But now I wasn't busy. Oh, father…please let me worry, please let me be busy. If you do, then I wouldn't be able to think of him.
Guy, Guy, Guy…
Curse you. Curse you and this love I have for you.
When I had left him in the library, speechless, hopefully heartbroken, I had left those feelings with him. Wrong. It was completely wrong to love him, forbidden, bad, and just disgraceful. You made a promise to Luke, you had a country to represent. You would honestly let a few charming words, a handsome face, and a breathless kiss forget it all? Goodness!
Yes. I liked it. I am guilty of this fact, am right to be accused of it. I enjoyed his sweet words, how he would compliment me. I savored his presence, the mere fact that he was there, no one to disturb us, just the two of us. Friends, a secret crush, and the will to help those who served my country. Of course I looked forward to it, and was grateful for it all.
And the kiss?
Just the icing on top of the cake.
I admit I liked the kiss…no, more so I loved it. His lips were soft, his touch so comforting…I loved him. As much as I am ashamed of it now, I loved Guy Cecil. He was a servant, one who would soon be my own as soon as I married Luke, but I loved him.
Then, he said it. Those words, and I realized, he spoke this way to all woman. Why was I any different? He could touch me…as much as I had reason to believe otherwise, Guy might've been that type of man. The one that led others on, who said things they didn't mean. The only reason he kissed me was because he could.
No. No, no, no. Guy was not like that, was he? …He might've been, for all I knew. I wasn't certain of how serious he was about me, about this.
Not that I would give him a chance. It was forbidden, and I would never let it happen. As a princess who is responsible for this country, for herself, I can't. Guy is off-limits and he shall always remain so.
I spoke to him harshly so as to discourage him, to break his heart. I meant none of it, my only goal was to insult him…Or did I mean those words? I wasn't sure; I was to treat him as such anyway, right? Yes, yes, Guy was a servant. He was required to call me Princess Natalia out of respect, and he would never bring up such a scandal, ever. It was alright. To speak to him in such a manner was okay. I did no wrong.
Except fall for him.
But I could cover that up! I could ignore the feelings, the need, the want. It is disgraceful, it is hard…but I shall not love him. Ever. It is forbidden, and I will ignore these feelings.
Hopefully, Guy would as well. Seeing as how sad he looked when I had left him, I was assured. He would cease pursuing me. Of course. If he kept his feelings a secret, would cut all ties with me (only seeing me when necessary), then it would be fine. My image would be in no danger, my betrothal still held, and all would be fine.
It would be fine, just fine.
"Natalia, can we talk?"
I felt the panic hit my chest, my spine stiffen. No, no, no! Guy wasn't supposed to be talking to me! Why was he talking to me?!
"Natalia?"
I thought fast, then glared at him.
"It is Princess Natalia. Now if you excuse me, I must leave." I snapped at him, looking away. I had to go. Now. I couldn't speak to him; it would be too dangerous. I would be tempted and…and why was he talking to me? Why was he not avoiding me, as I had predicted?
I continued walking on, without even waiting for neither a response nor a change in facial expression. I heard footsteps following me, and cursed inwardly, walking faster. Still he followed.
"Natalia, wait, we need to-!"
"What?!" I turned to him on my heel, rage burning in my chest, angry at the situation, at him for having not given up. His clear, blue eyes widened in surprise, and I sighed a shaky breath, composing myself. Ladies must always be calm and courteous no matter the situation. Even with men who refused to give up pursuit, who still tried when they should very well give up.
"What is it, Guy? What do you need?" I sighed, and crossed my arms. Wrong. I should've walked away then gotten comfortable, then settled. I shouldn't be listening to him; I should be walking away. Don't even think he has a chance. It's wrong. Don't let him get to you. Don't.
"We need to talk." He replied sternly. How dare he. A servant, ordering me?
…I was supposed to think like this. I was supposed to think low of him. He was below me, only a servant.
No. No he wasn't. He was Guy. Guy, who would listen to my problems, who would comfort me, who I could talk to so easily. While leading such a chaotic and busy life, at my side, there he stood; ready to take care of me when I didn't have the time. When I was too busy, when the world stood over me, so intimidating, he was right by my side, helping anyway, asking for no payment in the end.
Then, when he did, asking for my love, I kicked him while he was down.
I shook all of this off. I would not cave in. Not now. He was Guy, but Guy was a servant, a servant who was off-limits.
"About what?" I found myself asking. No, no! I should've turned him down, should've walked away. Why am I still here? It…it doesn't make sense.
Or maybe, it does.
Maybe, it's love.
He was quiet for awhile, maybe trying to determine if I was willing to listen or not. Finally, he spoke, so softly, a whisper even.
"About us."
Then, I was walking. This was what I got for staying. Of course it would be about that; what else would it be?
"Wait, Natalia!"
"Guy."
I stopped, and turned to him. He looked hopeful, waiting on my next word. I felt the words in my throat. 'Sorry'. No, I couldn't say that, so instead…
"Where is Luke now?"
I saw the gleam in his eye, the heartbreak. Fine. Good, even. As long as he stopped pursuing me, it would be fine. His feelings were nothing to me.
…R-Right?
"…In his room."
"Thank you."
Then I walked, feeling as if I was running. I had to lose him, had to leave him as soon as I could. I could feel the guilt course through my body. No, no! Why would I feel bad for breaking the heart of a servant? He was nothing to me.
…No, he was Guy and I loved Guy.
I looked behind myself. He wasn't there; good. I held my head in my hands, leaning against the wall. My head ached, my mind too jumbled. It wasn't fair! If things were a bit different then maybe…
…Why am I considering a relationship with Guy? He was gone, myself already decided to leave him be. There was nothing to be gained with Guy, there was nothing that could happen. Even if I swallowed my pride, even if I opted for Guy then Luke, what then? We would be discovered, it goes without saying. It is most likely someone would find out. There is no doubt, none at all, in my mind.
A scandal. Father would be disappointed. The citizens would be ashamed of me. Kimlasca would have a stain on it's image. No, no, no. Wrong. It's wrong. I can't.
I repeat this to myself, and yet I still wonder how he is now. I'm so sorry, Guy…I-I…I have to do this. You don't understand.
…So even if I had left him, had tried to forget about him, he still had some sort of effect on me. I was drawn to him. I wanted to be by his side and even if my mind said it was wrong, my heart said it was quite alright.
He attracted me without knowing, not even trying. (Or maybe he did…). And, yes, I tried to fight against that force, tried to ignore him, it still didn't matter at the end.
He had a sort of gravity that I couldn't resist.
I soon found myself at Luke's door. No. I couldn't allow myself to be charmed. But I wanted to be in love with him.
I raised my fist and knocked.
"Who is it?"
I smiled. I hadn't heard that voice in so long…
"It's Natalia, Luke."
I heard him sigh, after that a shuffling of sheets, footfalls, and then, he opened the door. I was greeted with the face of my fiancé, his red hair framing it, so wild, so long. I smiled.
"Luke! It's been so long since I saw you!" I smiled, and tilted my head to the side a bit. "May I come in?"
I saw the annoyance in his expression. I was used to it now, to his dislike of me, to his attitude that left much to be desired.
"Well…" He trailed off, perhaps looking for an excuse. I sighed, and crossed my arms.
"Oh! So after I come back from such a long trip, after I haven't seen you for six days, you do not even have the manners to talk to me?!" I scold him. He glared at me.
"Geez, you're so demanding. Fine, fine, if you're going to be like that!" He huffed, standing to the side, allowing me to pass. I smiled. I had learned over the years that Luke had to be coaxed. I realized over the years that I wasn't forced to put up with his behavior, and seeing as we were going to be married, of course I would have to make sure he would be a suitable husband, a suitable king. I wasn't so needy as to please him, as I was to see he become a proper gentleman.
So, I entered, keeping my mind preoccupied with him, shoving the thoughts of Guy aside, hopefully forever.
However, I knew myself well. I knew I loved him. I knew I didn't want to.
I knew I was confused.
That night, I had a lucid dream of him. Of course I would force myself awake.
The room was cold, and I gathered the sheets around me. My toes felt frozen, and I wiggled them for warmth. No, no still cold. I shivered, and held myself, the heavy comforter gathered around me. I sat up.
Guy. Guy was definitely a problem now.
But what could I do? I was madly in love with him (how embarrassing to admit it) and there was no way around it. I found he had wanted another chance. Against what I had thought would happen, unfortunately. I had hoped he would've avoided me, would refuse to see me after what I had said to him.
Did…Did I have to do more to chase him away? I didn't want to, but I had to. I don't think his, or my heart could handle anymore.
I felt the cold wrap me up, and I shivered again. I sighed, and got up, leaving the safety and warmth of my blankets. The floor felt cold on my feet, and I shivered once more, soon regretting having ever left my bed. I continued on nonetheless, like a hiker on a near-impossible mountain.
I looked outside my window; the sky was so clear…as it is always when it is cold. I could see every single star, all the bright pinpoints of the sky, the moon so vivid and full. I leaned my forehead against the window. Cold. Very, very cold.
Guy…Guy, I don't want to hurt you. But I don't want to betray my country either. I don't want to forget the promise I made with Luke.
Why? Why couldn't life be just a little more simple? A little different? Guy, what brought you to me? Fate? Did the Score have this recorded? 'The princess of Kimlasca-Lanvaldear shall be tempted by a servant of her fiancé and…' And then what? What should I do?
I sneezed, my head jerking, and I covered my nose. I shivered once more and sighed. I should return to my bed, should go back to the warmth, but I don't want to.
Guy, why haven't you given up on me? I said such cruel words to you…No; I'm not supposed to think of him in such a way. He is Guy, and he is my friend.
I find myself leaving my room, quietly, in this cold night. I shivered once more, opting to wear a bathrobe over my sleeping gown. It provided some warmth, but not enough. I shrug it off, and continue on my journey, with it's undetermined goal. The castle was quiet, so wide, so big, so empty. It felt like everyone in the world was gone, and I was the only one left. The last person on Auldrant, the only one to haunt these halls.
Or was I perhaps a ghost? I looked behind me. My sleeping gown trailed behind me, elegant and ethereal. I brushed my bangs out of my face, no headband to aid me now, the hair wild, filling in my cheeks and face. I suppose I could pass as a ghost…
I laugh at myself. It's so cold, so quiet…is this another lucid dream? How nice. How comforting. How free.
I continue on, looking at the halls, the wallpaper and carpet. I hugged myself once more.
Guy…I want to love you. Trust me, I do. I want to be with you, and I want to hold you and kiss you and…everything else women wish to do with the men they are head over heels for. Trust me, I do. I am not just saying charming things as you tend to do.
I am confused. I'll admit that; there is no way for me to not admit to such a thing. I'm not sure what to do. I am cornered, with my duty as a princess, and my need as a woman. I love you, but I am not allowed to.
Guy, what would you do? No, no…I know. Seeing as how you pursued me earlier today, it is obvious. You don't care; you want to be with me. If you are willing to look over the fact that I insult you, it is obvious then.
But then what am I to do? I am not you, Guy. You don't have a lot to risk. You are only a servant. Maybe you will be fired, and, trust me, I can understand how that would make you feel…but for me it is more! I don't want to ruin the image of Kimlasca, and maybe Luke has changed, but we made a promise and I am staying to it. What would father say if I had an affair? He would surely be disappointed…and Aunt Susanne, and Duke Fabre…there are the citizens, my servants…the officials, the nobles…
You have no idea how much it would ruin me! I am the princess, the epitome of perfection, of elegance! Princesses do not indulge themselves in forbidden relationships. It is not possible.
Guy…Guy, I need to see you! I miss those days when you would listen to me rant, would hear my problems. How you would offer a helping me hand, help me down from the mountain of stress I had gotten myself stuck on. You are the only one I can talk to about this.
But what happens when you become the problem? Who am I to turn to then?
I only have questions, Guy, please give me some answers.
I walk down the hallways, eyes flickering from one painting to the next. I run my fingers over one, the oil feeling raised, the canvas rough. My mind is loud, jumbled, confused. I feel so lost, even in this castle, even in my own home.
I sit down, my legs underneath me, the silk of my gown touching my thighs. So smooth, so soft…I hug myself, only shivering once more.
Guy, I have no choice. I have to drive you away. There is too much at stake, there is too much to lose. I love you, but, my love, understand. I have to do this. There is no other way. Please, understand. Please.
I love you.
I lay down, all of this traveling, all of my actions, on a whim. I use my arms as a pillow, and close my eyes.
I had awoken to a maid shaking my shoulder. She looked at me with worry, confusion. I didn't feel embarrassed. I was too tired to.
Whether I was tired of thinking or of being awake was debatable.
"Princess, are you alright?"
I sat up, covering my mouth as I yawned, disappointed to be pulled from such a peaceful doze.
"Yes…fine."
I looked to her. Her eyes looked so blue, so sharp…
"Come on," She smiled, helping me up, "Let's get you back to bed."
I obliged silently, just going with the motions, mind preoccupied as she led me back. I looked up to her.
"Pray tell, what is your name?"
She looked back to me, silent for awhile.
"…Sophie, your Highness."
Then, the days passed. Father sent word to His Imperial Majesty, and after four days word came back of his acceptance. It would take another four days for him to come, and the castle was busy with the news, with the work to greet him and prepare a room, and everything.
It was a busy time, and yet I wasn't preoccupied, that one thing, the thought of Guy, buzzing in the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it, but it was always there. Never could I forget. No, but I had to. With time, I would tell myself. With time.
I just had to be strong. Just had to stay strong. Strong.
I saw Guy. More so, he made himself known.
"Princess Natalia."
I looked over to the maid, and smiled. "Yes?"
"A person is here to see you…It's Guy-"
"Send him away."
I would always respond quickly. I couldn't see him. That would give him hope. As much as I missed him, his face, his words, his clear blue eyes…I couldn't. I couldn't see him.
I had to say no as soon as I could, before I would falter.
He still managed to catch me, though. Guy…you're so persistent. Whether it's a chivalrous thing, or a rather annoying thorn in my side is all based on the viewer.
"Natalia, wait!"
Of course I still had errands to run, I was still in charge of Personal Affairs, and had a job to do as thus. He was forbidden to accompany me, but he still tried to catch me.
I would walk faster, not even acknowledging him, letting him yell my name as much as he wanted. Maybe his throat would get sore one day. Hopefully.
Of course, it wasn't too serious at first. He didn't bother me too much at first, only calling out to me, giving up when I had turned a blind eye to him. Soon, he would pursue me, day after day, his diligence growing stronger with each passing time.
The weather got colder, and I soon adorned myself with myself winter wear, coat and all. And still, Guy followed after me like a lovesick puppy.
"Natalia, wait! We need to talk!"
It was another day, another chase. Yes, some people had looked to us, Guy not exactly creating a scene, more so attracting attention of those who were interested in anything else that was not what they had to worry about.
I walked briskly, hoping he would give up, perhaps even give up on me entirely.
Then, I heard a crash. "Ah!"
The wind hit me bitterly, and I turned around in spite of me, my worry overpowering my common sense. There Guy stood, both hands over his head, in them a flower vase clutched. He was wet, flowers and water littering his body. He looked surprised in a sort of way, like one would look after waking up from a dream that felt so real.
Other people were staring at him, and I could see his cheeks flush with embarrassment. Then, the door opened, a buxom women with red hair looking furious.
"What in the world-?!"
I took notice of the establishment; a flower shop. Guy had knocked over one of their displays, maybe from chasing me, too focused on his goal, not cautious enough to avoid reality and the surroundings. My guess was he had caught the flower vase the wrong way, spilling its contents upon himself.
He was quickly apologizing to the owner, offering to pay for it, and I took this chance to leave, to escape. I felt bad for Guy. Felt pity. How terribly fitting.
Soon, he sneezed.
Yesterday, I heard he got a cold. The water, mixed in with the cold weather…it was inevitable.
Of course I felt bad. Terrible. I wanted to apologize to him, wanted to take care of him. I fretted over the idea of Guy in bed, temperature high, sinuses foul.
However, I never went to visit him. I had to distance myself. Had to let him go. He would be fine, just fine on his own.
Besides this means, I thought to myself, he will stop chasing me for awhile.
He didn't.
He was beginning to make it harder, soon sending me letters. Luckily they didn't reveal too much, only saying he'd love it if I could visit him again. At least he was smart. Seeing as we didn't live far from each other, he only asked servants to give them to me. He had connections. He was smart.
However, I began to miss him. I felt the repercussions of losing Guy. It felt lonely and quiet without him. When I would run my errands, get the job done, we would talk about things that didn't matter, or maybe they did to us, to other people. We talked politics, fonmachinery, ourselves, the people in our lives, life as it was now, Luke, Kimlasca, the war with Malkuth…we talked about everything. From what the cities of Belkend and Sheridan should try to invent next, to what our favorite dessert was. Petty things, deep subjects…I loved talking to Guy. He was a good listener, a person easy to hold a conversation with.
Now, as I walked the streets of Baticul, it was quiet. Was it always like this? Before Guy had come into my life…was there a 'before' to Guy? It had been like that as long as I could recall…
It's scary how well he had fit into my life. It was hard to get him out now.
Then, I felt the stress pile up, ready to vent, and…he wasn't there. Or more so, allowed to be there.
It was so…quiet without him. In my mind, I was trying to stay strong, and outside it was so…so cold. No, not with the sudden change in the weather, but also without having him by my side. Was I really that dependent upon him? How…How sad.
"Your Highness," I turned to the servant as he addressed me. "You have another letter."
I held my hand out for it, already predicting what is said, already knowing the sender. I sat at my desk, the one in my room, examining the envelope, not even sealed shut, no reason for it to be. After dismissing the messenger, I opened it nonetheless. Why did I still do that? There was no point, no reason…
…Still, I did this, confused with my own actions.
It read the same line, except he had asked for a reply this time, please. I sighed and tossed it on my desk, rubbing my temples. I held it up to the candle, to burn it like I did the rest of them, no response given. If I did, he would have hope, and hope was what I was trying to tear out of his grip, trying to make him forget.
I held it up to the candlelight, ready to place it near the edge, for it to crackle, to blacken, so I could soon toss it into a dish to burn on it's own, joining the rest of the ashes in there.
Then, my eye caught something.
I quickly jerked it back before the flame could catch it. I furrowed my brow in confusion, and held it up to the light, not the fire.
Words. They were transparent in the light, forming sentences, forming a whole different message.
Natalia, it began, how are you? I hope you find this; lemon juice can do wonders, you know.
It was like he was standing behind me, saying these exact words. They sounded so…so like him. Like Guy. The one I missed, and longed for back.
The one I was ignoring.
I can understand why you want to avoid me. I know; it's forbidden. But I want to talk about it. Please, give me a chance to explain myself.
I felt the tears well up in my eyes, held them back, and continued. No, I couldn't cry. If I cried…I'm afraid the tears wouldn't stop then.
Natalia, I love you. And I think we both know you love me too. We just can't ignore this. Please…
I read the last line, having to read it a second time to believe it was even there, that he had even written it. I closed my eyes, and held the letter to my chest, a hand over my mouth. I repeated the line once more in my mind.
Talk to me, Natalia. Please. Talk to me.
I can't Guy. I can't. We can't have hope. These sorts of things only happen in romance novel, and as much as we wished there were such things as a 'happy ending' we both know it'll die in the end. That it will die, the passion will fade, and reality will slap us awake. Let's be realistic; after all, we're mature, aren't we? We have enough common sense, right?
I hugged it tightly, the letter. After awhile, after rereading it another time, I folded it neatly.
My mind was suddenly reeling. Did he use this method with the other letters as well? And, if so, what had he said? Did he still try, hopelessly reaching out for me? Asking for a hand of help, for another chance, a chance with me?
Well of course I would turn my back on him, would slap that hand away, with tears in my eyes.
I grabbed a piece of stationary, an envelope, and a pen. I would only give him this reply…It was alright. It wasn't giving him hope. This letter would only kick him while he was down.
Guy,
Please cease pursuing me. I have no desire at all to speak with you.
From,
Natalia
That was all I needed. That was all he needed to give up, and hopefully this would the last nail in the coffin, the final push to throw him off the edge, To give up.
Of course, it was all wishful thinking. I could only hope.
I slipped the folded letter into the envelope, sending a servant off to deliver it to him. It was the same one who had escorted me back to my room on my evening wander. I think…Sophie. Yes, yes, it was Sophie. That was her name.
"As quickly as you can, if possible."
She looked at me, then to the letter. She nodded slowly. "As you wish, your Highness."
The next afternoon, he replied. Not as planned.
I knew what to look for this time, holding it up to the light.
Natalia, please consider. It wouldn't hurt to talk. I'm not even asking you to get into a relationship with me. I just want to talk. Just that.
Of course it would hurt. It would give us hope. Hope was the one thing we needed to lose.
I responded once more, asking him, politely, to drop the subject and to not respond. He did anyway. Guy wasn't the type to give in easily, it seemed.
This time, the letter was blank. I furrowed my brow in confusion, but held it up to the light anyway.
I love you.
And he won. Guy won the battle. He was an opponent too powerful to fight against, too full of expectation, too compelling. With those three words, those simple words, he won. I couldn't fight him, couldn't ignore him any longer. He wasn't going to give up hope, he was going to love me as long as he could, even if I rejected him so harshly.
I lost. Guy was going to keep pursuing me, and there was nothing I could do to stop that.
I felt my shoulders shake, and the tears form. I let them spill over, trail down my cheeks. His message had been so simple, yet so full of meaning. These words, so clear, so infinite, held so much power. I found myself studying Guy's handwriting, the first letter a little word larger then the rest, the text so clear-cut, so neat…like Guy. A little bit of him right here with me. He sent his feelings, himself to me, hoping I would comply. I would give in.
All because he loved me. In the end, he was doing all of this because he loved me. And God…I loved him, too.
I imagined him writing these letters, cooped up in his room, cold still plaguing him. Confident, optimistic, never willing to give up, a box of tissues at his side, the only thing driving him was his hope.
All for me. Me, me, me.
I hugged it to my chest, and began to cry. I wanted him near me. I wanted him. I wanted to hold him, and I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted to be with him.
Why couldn't life be just a little more different? Why did I ever have to have met him in the first place? Why…Why must life be so cruel?
It felt hot, it tasted like salt, these tears. I got out another piece of stationary, pen in hand, ready to just write it all there. All these bottled up feelings, all these words that wanted to be said, wanted to be let out. Everything I wished to say to him, that I couldn't.
Guy, I love you. I want to
I soon scribbled out the words, stopping myself before I could write anymore. Writing it out, admitting it, meant I had hope. No. I couldn't. I tore up the paper, letting the pieces fall to my side, my hand limp at my side. I watched it absentmindedly; it was like snow. My feelings, all kept in my head, some of them rejected, lying defeated on the floor in small, white pieces. I held myself.
Cold. I felt so cold.
"It is a joy to have you visit our country, Emperor Peony."
"I'm glad to bring that joy."
"I'm sure you know my daughter, Natalia?"
A smile. So perfect, so well poised. Back straight, hands clasped before myself, shoulders squared, feet planted next to each other. I curtsied, so graceful, a slight bow of the head. I raised myself, another smile.
"I am pleased to meet you, Your Imperial Majesty."
He smiled back, a smile that looked like it was so worn, but in a good way, like he did it often. Fitting his tan face so well, his blond hair framing his features. I had to admit, the Emperor was handsome, in a sort of easy-going style.
"Likewise." He nodded. He had such a young voice. He seemed so young, so full of energy, of life. He contrasted father a lot, my father who was aged, a cane to hold him now, then his own back. I looked to the Emperor's side, a colonel with chin-length brown hair, glasses, a sort of intelligent look to him. I assumed this to be Colonel Jade Curtiss; the Emperor's rumored right hand man.
"And you, Colonel. Is it safe for you to be away from the battlefield?" Father asked him, only out of courtesy. Of course we would not worry on our enemy's state in war.
He smiled a strange smile…like he was laughing at you inwardly, or he knew something you didn't, amused at your ignorance.
"Seeing as we've both put our troops on hold, I don't think we have anything to worry about, your Majesty. Besides, General Frings has been doing a fine job of it, in my place. Thank you for the concern, though."
Father nodded, and turned to the maids standing by.
"I am sure your trip was a weary one. I have prepared rooms for you, and insist that you rest here. We shall discuss the signing of the treaty tomorrow."
Peony nodded. "Sounds good."
Soon, they were walking to their rooms, the maids escorting them. I looked to father, and he smiled a weary smile.
"So far, so good."
I nodded in agreement. "Father, am I needed here? I…I would like to go out for a walk, if it is not too much to ask."
"Of course. Do you want anyone to come with you?"
"No, I will be fine."
"Be sure to wear a coat."
I smiled inwardly, touched by his actions and his care. I nodded.
"I will."
Three days. I suppose he would've healed by then. Would be back on his feet, ready to stalk his prey once more. As much as I evaded him, he still tried to catch me, like a child after a butterfly. So beautiful, so tempting I had been to him. With net in hand, he swiped at me, trying to bring me to him. I fluttered as fast as I could though, not allowing him a victory, a way to achieve his goal.
"Natalia!"
I walked faster. I had forgotten his chases, had forgotten to be cautious. Yet here I was, flying away once more, as fast as I could. I found myself walking toward an aircar. Fine, fine, I had no real destination anyway. As long as I lost him, it would be fine.
However, as fast as I pulled down the switch, he was already in there with me, alone, just the two of us, heading to wherever this machine would take us. I cursed myself over and over, realizing I had made my situation that much worse.
He looked me over, and for once in a long while, I was able to see Guy. His handsome face, his clear, blue eyes…All of it came back to me. I found myself remembering things that were better left forgotten, too; his smell overtaking me as his lips were placed over my own…
No, no, no. I shoved these thoughts into the back of my mind, to collect dust. Unable to be forgotten, but easily ignored.
"Natalia, we need to talk." He spoke slowly, and I looked away from him, edging to the separate end of the car, my hands feeling the railings, the metal so cold, even through the fabric of my gloves. I felt the wind blow, and I shivered. I never liked riding the aircars during winter, for the wind would blow on you, the altitudes making it colder. I ignored this though, and sighed.
"Fine," I shook my head, holding my hands up in defeat. "Then talk."
I didn't look to him. Fine, I would let him talk. It was not as if I would agree with whatever he said though, of course. I would reject him, nonetheless. Always, I would.
"Do you love me?"
I stayed quiet, pulling my coat around me tighter, just to do something. The fabric felt heavy, comforting, like a blanket.
"…Sadly enough, yes."
"We can't ignore this."
I turned to him, angry. Didn't he think I knew that? Did he honestly think I had a choice?
"Yes," I said, sternly, "we can."
He frowned, disappointment in his pose, his features. I looked him straight in the eye, refusing to falter, refusing to be caught. Maybe he would give up the chase, would decide to go after different game that did not make it so difficult?
"Natalia…"
"Guy, I can't love you." I shook my head. The wind hit my face once more, my cheeks feeling cold, and I shivered. I ignored it though, all this unpleasantness, my eyes only on him, my mind only focused on him.
"Yes, you can."
A whisper. No, no, no! Why wouldn't he give up? Why wouldn't he just swallow his pride, wake up from his illusions, and just move on? Why?
I felt the unfairness of it all rise in my chest, the anger, the annoyance for it all. The situation was proving too difficult, I had no where to vent…
"It's wrong!" I yelled at him, not caring to look proper, just for the world to stop being so spiteful. So unreasonable.
His face was calm, even when another gush of wind hit us, his hair moving with it, his body still firmly planted where he stood, while I shivered.
"The only one holding you back," he spoke softly, "is yourself."
It was like he had slapped me in the face. Honestly? He was making it sound like he was the victim, and I was the irrational one! He knew very well why I couldn't; it was not up to me. It was the situation, our statuses, that was at fault. I played no willing part in it!
I shook my head at him, no words to be spoken, none wanting to be used. I spoke nonetheless, trying to make him see it my way.
"Guy, I'm engaged."
"I know."
I was taken back by his sudden answer, but decided to go on, nonetheless.
"It's forbidden."
"I know."
"This could cause a scandal if we were found out! It would tarnish the Lanvaldear name!"
"I know."
I looked at him confused. Did he not know what he was saying? Or maybe did he…?
"…Do you not care?" I asked, softly. He smiled, and nodded.
"Not at all."
"…But you still want to be with me?"
"Yes."
I sighed in anger, and shook my head. No, no, no! Give up on me, move on! It would be better that way!
Soon the aircar jerked slightly to a stop, the doors opening. I couldn't stand him. I didn't want to see him. I looked to where we had stopped. Baticul castle. How oddly convenient.
"Are you suggesting I have an affair with you, Guy?!" I asked him, trying to break him, trying to make him see it wouldn't work out, it wouldn't happen. I didn't move from where I stood, and he stayed as well. On the aircar, wind hitting us, my coat being pulled closer to me by my own hands.
"No, no!" He shook his head. "Of course not! I'm just asking that you consider-"
"I can't."
My words were firm, my will not allowing itself to be shaken. I tried to ignore my heart aching, my body quivering at his words, at the defeat I could see in his eyes. Stop looking at me like that. You make it harder on me, more difficult to turn you away.
I looked away from him, crossing my arms, just for something to do.
"Please stop chasing me, also. It's harassment."
I decided it was time to leave, noticing a pair of nobles walk toward the aircar, and I turned on my heel, heels click-clacking.
"Natalia, please don't put it like that."
We passed the crowd, safe to talk again, my heart beating in fear in the thought of anyone else hearing us.
I looked behind myself. He was following, refusing to give up on the hunt, on the possibility of love. Soon he was walking next to me, my own speed no match for his. Or was I walking slowly on purpose? I wouldn't rightly know.
"Tomorrow."
I stopped in my tracks, and looked up to him. I wasn't expecting this response.
"Pardon?"
"Can you meet me tomorrow? At the port?"
"Guy, I can't-"
"Just hear me out. I…Let's talk about this, Natalia. Please."
I had well gotten over his use of my real name, soon believing he would begin treating me with respect after he had given up on me. I looked to the side, and hugged myself, shivering from the cold. I couldn't bear looking into those eyes, those sad, painful eyes, any longer.
"…I can't. We have a meeting with Emperor Peony tomorrow, regarding the peace treaty."
I suddenly realized I had an excuse, thankful that I would not have to lie to him.
I knew I was breaking his heart, but I didn't care. I was doing the same to myself, so there.
"…I see. S-Sorry."
"If you'll excuse me then." I quickly replied, walking faster. Don't look back, I told myself. Don't you dare look at him. You had won the battle, he had given up, no more pursuits, no more chases…you had your win. Now the easiest part of walking from the battlefield, away, to forget it all ever happened, was all that was left.
"Natalia."
I stopped again, out of instinct, the distance between us much larger. I found myself waiting on his words, on what he would say. Was I truly this weak-willed? How shameful.
"…Yes?"
I never turned to look at him, keeping the promise to not give him any sign of hope, to myself. I could at least do this right.
"I love you."
"…"
"A lot. I don't care if it's wrong. Princess Natalia…"
Stop. I begged him, please stop. Don't say it. Please, dear God, just don't say it.
"Princess Natalia, I'm in love with you."
I swallowed, the lump forming in my throat, the tears welling in my eyes, as I tried to blink them away. Damn him.
"…Good for you then."
I must've been running. It felt like it. I must've ran from there, from him, trying to not let these feelings catch up to me. I began to sniffle. Just as I thought, the tears wouldn't stop after I cried only one, and I found myself running to my room, avoiding all questions, all the worried glances. Trying to not feel the pain, trying to ignore him, his love, the love I wanted.
Was he trying to make this harder on me? He was cruel. Very.
They were dead. I should've known as much, what with the cold weather being so harsh, so cruel. It had suffocated them, and now they would have to sleep, until the weather would grow warmer, would embrace them, rather then choke them.
I held a limp hand up to them, taking a cold leaf in-between my forefinger and thumb. I broke it off, just for something to do, and looked down at it, as if it could answer my questions, could make the situation more bearable, like it would grant my wish, if I hoped long enough.
Who was I kidding? The gaillardias were dead, and my love for Guy would never follow the same fate.
But what could one do? It wasn't right it was…
I love you.
I replayed the scene in my mind, covering each line, like a scene from a tragic romance. I was living one, and it wasn't as fascinating as people would think. It hurt, and it made my heart ache and…and I hated it. I hated this. All of it.
I remembered his voice so clear, so confident. He wanted to be heard, wanted to remind me why we were going through this torture, through all of this.
A lot. I don't care if it's wrong…Princess Natalia…Princess Natalia, I'm in love with you.
He was so to the point, so straightforward. I wondered how he looked. Confident? Sad? His fists clenched at his side, his eyes only looking at me, his heart desperate for me, and only me.
Why did he say it? 'Princess' Natalia? Was this a show that he was giving up? That it was his last offer, his last chance. He threw the bait, wanting me to catch on, but I only turned away. I got what I wanted, anyway. For him to give up. We could never go back to our previous friendship, too awkward, better left dead. I was sad at this thought. Guy was a joy to be around, to talk to, to be with. I suppose I would have to cut all ties, would have to act as if it all never happened. I would only be allowed to see him when I had to. I began to try to hold myself up, tried to cheer up by planning how to cover up all the damages this small incident had done.
Obviously, I would have to talk to Guy, and have him agree to never speak about it. Yes, yes, Guy was kind. He wouldn't do something like ruin my reputation out of spite. No, he was mature, level-headed, and would agree quietly. Maybe with his eyes downcast, his face so sad…
…No. Stop thinking about that.
I'd have to get back on track with my engagement. Perhaps I should visit Luke again, soon. Maybe make more of an effort to get close to him. I'm sure there had to be something he was interested about in Kimlasca…Or maybe we should talk about the marriage? No, no, he hated that…
…And at times, when I spoke about it, Guy seemed sad. I just noticed it now, taking a second look at my memories with him. Why…why didn't I see it before…?
No! No, I need to stop think about him and…and…
Oh, who am I kidding?
It was such a heavy weight, such a burden to carry. To forget him, to forget everything I knew about him. I learned everything about Guy: his emotions, his quirks, the small things that all made him. I was struggling under the weight and, this time, I had no one to help me. When I went to vent to Guy, tell him everything that was wrong with me, he would nod, give soft words of comfort, a small pat on the back. So subtle, so warm, clothe against clothe.
But, now, I was driving him away. And no one was there to help me. I was struggling, and I had only myself to blame.
I sighed, plucking off another cold leaf, so dry, so dead. I broke it in two, a crackling coming from it. I ripped it in two again, and just crushed it between my palms, letting the flakes sprinkle to the ground. Just like the letter that was meant for him, never to meet him, never to see the inside of an envelope. Only the warmth of a flame.
"Oh, so this is where you are."
I nearly jumped out of my skin, my head sharply turning to the intruder. For awhile I thought it was Guy, ready for another chance, thinking maybe I was more accepting this time.
But, no. It was Emperor Peony.
"Your Imperial Majesty? What are you…?" I asked, trailing off. I didn't want to talk to anyone, wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, but he was a guest. Courtesy came before one's selfish needs.
"Thought I'd see the garden." He shrugged, looked around, then laughed. "But maybe that's a bad idea to do it in this cold weather, huh?"
I forced a smile. "I'm sorry you weren't able to see them in the spring. They're very lovely; the flowers."
He was silent for awhile, then stepped closer, close enough to be by me. I was a little surprised for awhile. I had no reason to fear him. No, he was the enemy's leader, but he was in our land. I was safe.
He looked me straight in the eye, smile falling from his face, to a frown. He suddenly looked serious, and I was scared. Not of him, but this swift change.
"What's his name?"
It took me awhile to realize what he said, not yet realizing what in the world he was asking about. "Pardon?"
"That blond servant. With the sword. What's his name?"
Fear. Now I could be afraid.
"…You mean Guy?"
I quickly cursed myself. Why didn't I play dumb? It would've been so much easier…
The wind blew by me, my coat hugged tightly to myself. I noticed his cloak fly with the hit, soon returning to where it had been previously. He looked strange with his cloak and tan skin… Winter clothes and summer complexion. Surreal, but in a normal sort of way; if that makes any sense, of course.
I laughed to myself. Why was I getting worked up? Perhaps I was jumpy because of everything that was happening with Guy. No one else knew; maybe he was just interested in him. I felt my shoulders relax, and I smiled inwardly. Safe. Don't worry. Just act normal.
"Yeah, him." He smiled, like he was remembering the name of an old friend, maybe catching a word that had been on the tip of his tongue, finally realizing what it was. I smiled back, feeling a need to.
"What of him? If you want to know, he already is working for Duke Fabre, and I don't think he'd let him work for Malkuth, so…"
I felt hopeful, but broken-hearted. If Guy moved to Malkuth…I wouldn't have to see him. Wouldn't have to be reminded of the love I had hungered for. Wouldn't have to be reminded of the man who had caught my heart.
It was both a positive and negative thing.
He shook his head. "Oh no, no, I don't want to hire him. I have enough servants as it is, don't worry." He shook his head, then tilting it to the side. "What, are you going to miss him?" He asked with a coy smile. I felt my ears heat, warming up what was once cold in this weather. I shook my head, and frowned.
"Of course not! He is only a servant, after all."
"Princess Natalia…"
His tone was so…mocking. Like he was showing evidence I had tried to hide, proven me wrong, right on the spot. Smug and satirical. Not in a manner of spitting at your feet, but showing you up, more so. I frowned, my eyebrows furrowing, and I pursed my lips, crossing my arms, leaning my weight on one leg, all skeptical.
"Yes?"
"I love you."
I felt the shock run through my bones, his tone not matching the message. Like he was repeating something.
Something he wasn't allowed to hear.
"A lot. I don't care if it's wrong…" He shook his head, blonde hair falling across his shoulder as he threw his head back in a quick sort of snap motion, a strange nod of acknowledgement. The dread made me stiffen. No, no, no! He knew? He knew?!
"Princess Natalia, I'm in love with you." He finished, like letting go of the rope, letting the guillotine fall straight on my exposed neck. Bang. Pulled the trigger, shooting me even if I was looking at him with confusion, with fear. He was using the same words as Guy, a bitter reminder. He was saying them with such a mocking tone, however, it was like a twisted version. Not like the desperation Guy had when he said it, but like pointing out a truth, proving one guilty.
I felt the fear keep me from saying anything. How did he know? He just got here yesterday; there is no way the information could have traveled to Malkuth without word reaching father, without giving repercussions here in Kimlasca first. So how? Did anyone see us and tell him? No, no, he is the leader of Kimlasca's enemy country, of course they wouldn't. At least, no one from here…
Guy?
No. He's smarter then that. If he hasn't told Luke or Father, he definitely wouldn't tell his Imperial Majesty.
All these thoughts rushed through my head, not letting me see them clearly, or think any of it through. My head was spinning, but I only glared at the man in front of me, the one who knew too much.
He smiled. "…That's what he said, right?"
Like a slap to the face. I looked away from him, chewing on the inside of my cheek nervously. He turned away from me, looking up to the sky, so gray. I felt the cold wind hit us again, the drying branches of the garden rattling like cursed bones. I shivered, glancing to him. He seemed fine. Strange, seeing as it was always so warm and humid in Grand Chokmah.
"…How do you know that?"
I was a bit taken back at how I sounded, so quiet, so angry. Like he had crossed a line, like he had done something he wasn't meant to. Going too far, only smiling, like he was saying 'What now, huh?'
It was quiet for awhile, a pause keeping me on the edge, a conversational cliffhanger.
"…He's loud."
"Excuse me?"
"Guy, right? I was walking back to the castle, when lo and behold…" He turned to me then, face serious, "…I see the princess with a servant confessing his love."
I cursed Guy over and over. In front of the castle, Guy?! Honestly! Of course someone would hear, why didn't you think it through you…you…
Lovesick fool.
I shook my head. "It means nothing. He is nothing to me."
My voice sounded so stiff, so snobbish. That's fine. I don't care. I have nothing to prove to this man anyway. He was an enemy, an enemy who knew too much.
"…Then why did you cry?"
I looked to him, his face still serious. I hated this man. More so, disliked being around him. You had nothing to hide, nothing to keep safe. All he did was persist the matter, shove the evidence in your face, and dared you to prove him wrong.
…At least, that was what I thought of him then. His image improved in my mind later, but…cornered like this, what else would I think of him?
"I…" I said slowly, "…was not crying."
He stared me straight in the eye with those blue eyes, so clear, like Guy's. So very blue…not the exact color, but still so interesting…
"You love him, don't you?"
Then, tearing myself from those clear, deep blue eyes, I decided I had enough. I turned on my heel, uttering a "This conversation is over", and walked briskly. I seemed to be running from men all the time, these days.
"Hey, wait!"
I walked quickly, not sure how fast he was, not wanting to find out or test myself and him. Suddenly I felt him grab my arm, and jerk me back a bit, hard to catch myself before falling, heels not exactly the best footwear to gain balance in. I tripped, and suddenly I felt his other hand on my shoulder, helping me. His hands were so warm, so soft. A noble's hands.
"Wait. I just want to talk, okay? I'm not going to bite."
He laughed at the end of this, like we were old friends. How dare him. Order me around, a man who knew too much….
He eased me up, his body heat close to mine, towering me. He turned me around, and motioned to a bench, black wires creating a seat and art, all at once.
"How about we sit? Would that make you comfortable?"
I continued to glare at him, still distracting. I wasn't going to get out of this, was I?
Well, this time, I wasn't going to run from the situation. I was going into the battle, taking any lengths to win the fight. I sighed heavily, showing my annoyance on purpose. Maybe he would take a hint?
"Fine." I huffed, walked to the bench, sitting down with a thump, crossing one leg over the other, arms crossed as well. I would sit it out. No retreating; I was going to fight and win. No matter what.
He was soon sitting next to me, leg closer then it should be to mine, as I inched a way a bit. He position one arm over the top of the bench, bent at the elbow, the other at his side, his fingers drumming on the metal. I was a bit annoyed by this motion, but decided to not pursue it. I would be out of here soon. It would be fine. Just fine.
"…What do you want from me?" I asked sharply. He looked to me, surprised a bit, like he didn't know he had company, then smiled and shrugged.
"Nothing."
"What are you going to do with this information?"
Smiled again, shrugging. "Nothing."
"…What is your aim?" I asked finally. He laughed, catching me off guard.
"You make it sound like I'm going to blackmail you! Wow, you're serious about everything, aren't you? That's cute." He gave me a lop-sided smile, so casual, so unlike an emperor. To think, he was the successor, it was…It's a wonder Malkuth is our enemy with such a carefree man leading them.
Also, the 'cute' comment made me grimace. To call a princess cute, so easily? My goodness…what lovely etiquette this man has.
Still has it to this day. To give me such a swimsuit…
I digress.
"Then why do you pursue the matter?" I asked him quickly, wishing to leave, to leave this topic behind as well. I expected him to say something else in a playful way, but was only met with silence, nothing else. I was the bride left with the engagement ring, her fiancé nowhere to be found.
"…I want to help."
Help? What a lie.
"Why would you do that, hm? How in the world would it benef-"
"It's because you two are from different statuses, isn't it?"
I was cut off by him, surprised at this, hearing his fingers still drumming away on the metal. I blinked in confusion, realizing what he was asking, and nodded slowly.
"Y-Yes, what of-"
"And you love him. A lot. Don't you?"
The emperor seemed sad, seemed solemn. Like remembering a bitter old memory. I looked around myself, tugging at the hem of my skirt just to do something, the fabric stretching. I was wearing my gloves, unable to feel it's smooth and soft texture, his fingers movement still our background music.
I felt his knee bump against mine, a subtle action, but one unnerving, nonetheless. I inched away again.
"…Yes."
"But it's forbidden."
I looked up to him, too curious to prevent myself from asking.
"Emperor Peony, do you have experience on the subje-?"
"Tell me."
I was cut off once more, and he looked to me, a sad smile on his face. I felt his knee brush against mine, his fingers quitting their play, abruptly.
"How much do you love him?"
I stayed silent. Was it alright to say?
"Do you miss him, even now?" He continued, "Do you wish things could be just a little bit different, so you guys could be together?"
Yes. I told him, deciding to keep it to myself. I learned it was a rhetorical question, and let him continue.
"Wish to be with him? You know; forget being a noble and whatever?"
Yes. I agreed once more. His simple rhetorical questions were bringing up emotions in me, the ones associated with Guy. Love, hope, desperation, need…all there, all for him.
"Tell me, Princess…" He spoke slowly, carefully, "How much do you love him."
Suddenly my eyes were wet, and I blinked away the tears.
"…I love him…with all my being. But…I'm engaged and…it would never happen." I sighed, and shook my head. Strange how before I was longing for someone to listen to my problem, and now the enemy, a man with no proper manners, but plenty of time to listen, was here.
I didn't care. I was grateful. I would take about anything, really, right then and there.
He laughed again, catching me off guard. I still felt the warmth of his knee on mine, but didn't bother to pull away. It was cold.
" 'With all my being?' You're very passionate about everything, aren't you? Really tenacious and dramatic. I like that." He winked, playfully. I felt a blush enflame my face, and I glared at him.
"What a rude thing to say!" I huffed, and looked away. He was flirting with me. I could tell. He was different than the only flirting I received, the ones Guy didn't mean, only doing it on accident. With Guy, he was innocent, naïve. Unaware of his actions. With the emperor, however, it was…rude. Like an invasion of privacy. I more so favored Guy's charming words, than the ones I was getting now.
"Oh, come on, don't be like that." He cooed, tilting his head to the side to get a better look of me. I glanced to him without meaning to, his blonde hair falling with the movement, like a golden curtain. I suddenly noticed he had a hair ornament hanging from a few strands, shaped like a diamond, so very blue. He was an interesting person to look at, a pattern on every article of clothing, like a walking art-novue portrait. Something new to notice on his person, so exotic. So lovely to take in, so enticing to look at.
It's a shame about his personality.
I sighed heavily, making my discomfort and annoyance apparent on purpose.
"…Why did you want to know that? My attraction to Guy?" I asked, getting to the point, my cheeks red. I couldn't believe I let him gush my feelings like that, like a smitten, breathless, romance heroine. How terribly embarrassing; a princess should have more control of her emotions, must always be the epitome of elegance and perfection. Not lust and infatuation.
He was quiet once more, and his fingers began to drum on the iron again, th-th-thump.
"Because I know exactly how you feel."
I looked to him with surprise. So I was right? The emperor…had a first-hand experience at this? His face was solemn, his eyes looking ahead, not at anything in particular, just…seeing, not particularly looking.
And yet, he continued, his fingers still raising and falling in a wave, one at a time. Th-th-thump, th-th-thump.
"Of course," He continued, quietly, "It never worked out."
Then, he stopped, and leaned forward, elbows on knees, head cradled in his hands. Suddenly, he didn't look like the exotic, young emperor, one who was so carefree, so nonchalant. He looked…older. Mature. Like retelling a painful experience, one he wished had never happened, had ruined that image, had forced him to show him at his worst. I wasn't sure what to say, and blinked for awhile. I looked down, our knees still touching, the warmth still there. Keeping us connected, like a pair of handcuffs, making sure neither of us would leave, that we'd both endure this. Something to share together.
"…Who was she?" I asked quietly, my curiosity still piqued, as much as it shouldn't be. He stayed quiet for awhile, and shook his head.
"It doesn't matter." He whispered, then sighed. "I fell in love with her when we were kids." He began, cutting off anymore pursuit I wanted to start. I decided it was probably better to not pry, and let him continue.
"Of course, being the emperor's son, I never told her. We still became friends, and…we fell in love."
I listened intently, knowing when to be polite and quiet. I found myself wondering how it all went, how it ended, so tragically.
Maybe what Guy and me would be. Perhaps a road we would tread, knowing it was all doomed anyway. Maybe I wanted to avoid that path. Wanted to know what to look out for.
"She loved me." He whispered, in a sad tone, like one speaking about a dead loved one. "So much."
I leaned forward, to get a better view of him, the wind playing with our hair again, yet neither of us noticed, so engrossed in much more important things. Myself in his story, him in the past.
"Then, I was ordered to rule, to take the throne, and we ended it. Well, we kept in contact. Sent her a letter every time I could."
I had a sudden remembrance of the letters Guy sent me, the real meanings hidden in lemon juice. The previous ones all curling, blackening when I set them aflame, his love all in ashes.
I shrugged this off. I pursed my lips, and he finally glanced to me, so very pained.
"…Why did it end?" I asked quietly. He kept his eyes on me, so clear and dark.
"About Guy." He began, avoiding my question, "What are you going to do about him? Are you going to go with him?"
I wanted to hear the rest of his story, about this mysterious woman, but answered him anyway. I scooted my knee closer into his, and looked to the side.
"No. I've decided to give up on him."
I looked back to him, for a nod of approval, maybe saying 'That'd be for the best.' As one who has experienced this pain, he should know how it should be, right?
Except all he showed me, was a frown, a furrowing of the brow, like one looking at a misbehaving child. Disappointment, disgust…something to that effect.
"Why? He makes you happy, doesn't he? I mean, you cried for him. Shouldn't that be enough?" He asked, disbelieving. I frowned, and sat back, inching my knee away a bit, just to do something.
"Yes," I spoke slowly, "But there's too much at risk."
"Isn't that love? Taking risks?"
"Perhaps, but it isn't worth it."
"He's not worth it?"
"Not at all."
He was silent for awhile, and I only stared ahead, the tree's branches so skeletal, so bare. The cobblestone paths were littered with dead leaves. Everything looked so lifeless, what with the sky gray, the flowers dead.
"…How do you sleep at night?"
I was shocked awake, and looked to him with what I hoped was an offended look on my face. He was frowning, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Excuse me?" I snapped, neither used to nor supportive of such rude behavior. He shook his head.
"Just go with him! I mean, if you're careful, you should be fine!" He sighed, exasperated, perhaps having enough of me. Maybe I was too preoccupied with myself to notice his current take of me. I looked at him, annoyed.
"But what if we get caught?"
"Exactly! 'What if'!" He sat up, his hands raised up in a 'What's wrong with you?!' sort of pose, open-palmed and held out to me. "You can't be sure! That's life; it's full of chances! So don't just run away because you're afraid!"
He was pushing it. I felt the anger burn on the back of my neck, and sat up, arms crossed firmly across my chest.
"What would you know anyhow?! A Malkuthian telling me this?!" I huffed, angered at the fact that the enemy was calling me a coward. The nerve!
He looked at me, his hands falling on his lap, just tired of me and my perseverance. He shook his head, his forehead creased, his stance firm. Neither of us was willing to submit to the other's ideals, to the other's side. A battle of the wills, or a petty argument, call it what you will, it won't matter to me.
"Where I'm from has nothing to do with this," He spoke slowly, his voice rigid, "We're both human. And you… are a coward."
I began to snap back a response until he cut in, apparently not finished.
"I never told you what happened to her, did I?"
I was confused, caught off guard. We were in a match, a battle, and suddenly he lowered his sword, not shielding himself, not attacking, just standing there, surprising me. I was all raring to go, but suddenly the storm, the energy was dying down. Like the eye of the storm, soon starting again just as soon as it passed.
"Excuse me?"
"The woman I was in love with."
I remembered the previous cop out, the way he avoided my question answering with his own. It seemed so long ago, even if it had only been a few minutes. I bit my lower lip, and nodded slowly.
"What of her? What…What happened?" I asked quietly, still on my guard. I felt his knee onto mine again, myself so used to the warmth, surprised at this a bit.
"When I took the throne, she sent me a letter." He began, slowly, his voice not full of sadness like before, but regret. Of what, I never learned. "The last one."
I felt my heart beat rapidly, the climax of the story only around the corner, waiting to jump out at me. I braced myself for the hit, the finale.
"What…What did it say?"
He turned to me then, eyes looking into mine, so deep, so clear. His jaw-line tightened, his face so serious, battle left behind, damage the only thing rewarded.
"She got married."
Suddenly, another gust of wind hit us, and I flinched, leaves flying around our feet, yet he stayed there, keeping his stance, staying strong. Just like Guy on the aircar when he said I was the only one holding myself back. I could take a risk, could jump of the edge, could risk it all.
But no. It's not worth it. It's not, it's not, it's not.
"If you're not careful," He whispered, so quietly, some blond strands flying across his face, "he could move on. Without you."
His words were so definite, so powerful, so solid, I had nothing to fight back with. He used his strategy well, and without me knowing, he won the battle, the war. His reward?
My silence.
He sighed and shook his head. "…Think about it for awhile. Just…choose wisely."
Then, he patted my knee with his hand, so big, so warm, and got up. His knee left mine, breaking off the physical contact, the touch that kept both of us together, that kept us there. And I never said anything. Not when he took one last look at me with those clear, deep, blue eyes, not when he turned on his heel, boots crushing dry leaves underneath them, his figure slowly disappearing into the sad scene. Sky gray, trees bare, cloak flowing behind him. Like a painting, a sad, monotone painting.
And then, he turned the corner, and disappeared.
And then, my mind once again erupted in questions.
What if Guy moved on? He had given up on me, had decided I would have none of him. It was legitimate. It would happen.
But what of his phobia? No, no, Guy wouldn't leave me. No. He wouldn't.
…No. He could. One day, he'll get over that fear. And…he'll find love with another. Not me. Another woman. A woman who would not be me. She would have all the kisses I longed for, the love I wanted. The love I would never have.
And when Guy would move on, I would just be a mistake. A crush taken too far, infatuation embarrassing to admit it ever happened. He would regret he ever fell for me, ever saw something in me.
And I would be a mistake to the man I loved, the one I gave up.
Oh God.
I hugged myself, the wind cold, my knee feeling the warmth provided by Emperor Peony leave slowly, second by second. Just like Guy.
It was like the dream I had. His hand held out to me, calling my name, wishing me to take it. But this time, I ran from him, and he chased me. But he caught up, next to me, waiting for me to stop, to hear him out. For me to lay with him in the flower-field, to kiss him, to love him. He wanted to catch me, but first he wanted permission.
And I gave him none. All he did was wait, was run, was wait for me to stop. Patient.
If you're not careful, he'll move on.
But he can't stay there forever. He won't wait for me forever. One day, he'll get the message, he'll realize. He'll begin to quicken the pace, look forward, and pass by me. Farther and farther until he gets ahead, until he disappears into the darkness and leave me behind. Never looking back, only going to something more important, to the future, to another's arms. No more wasting the time with the princess that called him dirt. To someone that'll treat him better. Who will have him all to themselves.
Guy will move on. He's only human. And if I'm not quick enough, I'd lose him. Forever.
Seafood had to be the saddest looking cuisine in all of the various dishes possible. It was so…bland, so white. It tasted fine, yes, but…it looked unpleasant. Even with the vegetables being so vibrant, it still looked so…so dead. Which, I suppose it is, but still.
"Oh, yes, we're industrializing our country more, actually."
And…were the dining room chairs always so…uncomfortable? No matter how many times I tried to sit up straight, to adjust to my seat it still felt so…unpleasant. A bother, really. Was it always like this? I remember sitting down to countless dinners before, but I never felt a reason to complain about them before. Until now, of course.
"Fascinating! We're trying to figure out more on fonic artes. You know, our Jade here has a knack for everything, especially fomicry."
Since when was the sound of silverware being put to use so loud? It's obnoxious really. Has my fork always been so annoying? Or is it just me?
"And yet you remain a colonel?"
I looked across from my seat to the person addressed, his posture straight, his look so elegant. I had heard rumors about him, about the name of the 'necromancer', but ignored it. Gossip is gossip, and a true lady would have much better things to do then to participate in it. But there…his eyes were so red. Was that natural?
"Yes. I have my reasons." He spoke simply, politely declining anything further, to elaborate. I looked to father, too disinterested in my food, too distracted to contribute to their conversation. However, it was his Imperial Majesty, obviously recovered from our talk in the garden, acting like it never happened. Refined and cool, brushing it under the rug, like a true noble.
"Ha, ha…He always says that. The mayor of St. Binah always gets on his case for it."
I felt their words fall on my ears, not really meaning anything. This feeling kept on nagging at me, this plate in front of me appearing too unappetizing, the topic just not for me, at the moment.
Princess Natalia, what's wrong?! Why are you crying?!
And for some reason, I was remembering Guy's words, so full of worry. Back to when we were younger, when I was eight, when Malkuth had kidnapped Luke. After he had cheered me up, as he would so much more in the years to come, he had looked so breathtaking. So handsome. If…If I recall correctly, I think I still have his handkerchief. It's gotten old, and I haven't used it…but it is in the back of a drawer, hidden and forgotten, probably gathering dust.
"Ah, yes, St. Binah. I trust the medicines there are gaining you a great run in the economy?"
…I…I did, too.
Then, just as soon I was remembering his words, in the library, in that warm afternoon. When I had said I enjoyed our chat…he agreed. Bashfully, with that warm smile that always came so easily. He was the type of person who smiled effortlessly. When the corners of his mouth lifted, it was like it was made for him. Like the action was second nature to him, so simple so quick. He was…comforting. And that suggestion he made? I…followed it. A headband now decorating my head, doing what it should, effectively. Every time I slipped it on, I was always reminded of Guy, and that warm, windy afternoon with just him and I.
"Of course; Kimlasca is the one that exports them after all."
…Feel better?
He had looked so lost there, just winging it, just trying to help. And in the end, he did, tremendously. Indeed 'more than he could know.' And afterwards, when I cried, after he had listened to me, and I realized I could be fine, just fine, he got down from that ladder. Standing in front of me, just looking, unable to touch me, but able to just be there. He handed me a handkerchief after awhile (this one I gave back), and I took it gratefully. Even though I was fearful he'd judge me, or feel awkward, he didn't. He only repeated the question of 'feel better?' when I had calmed down. He was always there, always calm, always able to be the one thing I could have that was under control, that was in order.
"True, true…You have recently ordered a landship from us, right?"
Guy…you can touch me?
How shocked I had been. His arms were so warm, so strong around me. I mean, I had dreamed about such a thing happening, only to shoot it down in the morning, telling myself he had a phobia; it would happen in dreams, and dreams only.
And then, I was living a dream when he pulled me to him, his face in my hair, such an intimate embrace. I was surprised, but still cried, and hugged him. He smelled like metal, and oil; like soil as well. So practical and good. The fabric of his shirt so soft, and his body so warm…
And he had helped me then, deciding what to do. And after our hug, my body felt warm, tingly all over. Hungering for more, still feeling the effects long after I returned to the castle.
"From Sheridan, yes, we have, your Highness."
…Then, what am I, Natalia? What am I to you?
Yes, Guy, what are you to me? Back in the library, when we were crossing into forbidden territory, edging the line. When I had admitted, out loud, how I felt for him, what we were to each other…
Then, I woke up. I remembered, I was ashamed of myself, I broke his heart. Guy…Guy, what are you to me?
"Is there a reason for that, colonel?"
Of course, a friend. Always a friend, a person I can easily talk to. And…I suppose a person I admire. Romantically. This feeling in my heart only exists because I love you; if I held no feelings for you, I wouldn't go through any of this. And that goes for you, too.
"Yes, but the reason has been put to rest, hasn't it?"
I looked at the colonel in front of me, so calm and collected. The Emperor seemed uncomfortable to discuss such matters, but Jade seemed fine. Actually, he always seemed fine.
I took another bite of my dinner, tasting as delicious as usual, yet I still felt…confused.
"With the peace treaty, of course."
They had signed it before dinner. It was fine now, everything taken care of, signatures placed, Score followed. Yet…I didn't care. All I could think about was Guy.
"It's a good thing we followed the Score."
Guy loved me. He wouldn't go through any of this either if he held no feelings for me. I remembered the letters he gave me, each burned and left to smolder in a dish, one full of ashes. He might of written secret messages on those too, but I would never know. And he pursued, for a chance to explain himself, to talk. To tell me he loved me, to try to work out something. Always pursuing me, even getting sick because of it.
And then, the meeting on the aircar.
Can you meet me tomorrow? At the port?
'Tomorrow' was today. It was true, we signed the peace treaty, and I had plenty of time to see him. The port was easy to go to; I knew the way like the back of my hand. But I didn't want to see him.
And then he confessed to me. He loved me. He was 'in love with me'. In love with me, 'Princess Natalia'. He was giving me one last chance to see him, to talk it out, to take a chance...and…and I…
I turned it down.
He wouldn't be there. He knew I wasn't coming, knew I turned him down for the final time. Guy was gone. The chance to be with him gone. There was no turning back time, no way to take back the words. I had said it, the verdict was decided, and we were finished.
"It's true that your daughter went there, as well? To the battlefield?"
My chance was gone.
If you're not careful, he'll move on.
I was going to lose Guy. He would move on. Would leave me, would forget our love. Our love never died…it just never got a chance to bloom. It would wither away, not even given an opportunity to live. I was giving up here, so easily. Giving up on Guy, too scared to take a chance.
Wait. Scared? Was I admitting…I was scared?
The only one holding you back is yourself.
Guy's words came back to me. Even he admitted it, telling it to my face. Was he disappointed, or sad when he said it? In any case, I…I suppose he was telling the truth. I…I am just afraid. Afraid of taking a chance, of putting my country at risk, of breaking my childhood promise with Luke.
"Oh, yes, Natalia why not relate your experience to these gentlemen?"
And it's disgraceful to let this fear hold me back, to only give out excuses every single time he tried to make it work. I was turning him down because of my own weakness, and if I didn't try now, this would never work. This relationship would never have a chance to fly, this love would always be dead, and I would never have the honor of saying I at least tried something. How can I honestly say we'll be caught if I don't attempt to have a relationship?
"Yes, why not…Princess?"
Was I really giving up so easily, really this weak-willed? It's not Guy's fault for my pain, for my sadness; but rather, my own for being too scared to at least take a chance.
Take a chance.
A chance.
"Natalia, are you alright?"
I looked to the plate in front of me, the silverware, the food, all looking so pointless. Felt the wood against my back, the chair so worthless and trivial. I looked up to the faces of the colonel, his Imperial Majesty, to father. Why…Why was I even here?
Guy was waiting for me.
I stood up, hands pushing me away from the table, my chair scraping against the floor. I looked down to my dinner, the seafood so pale and meaningless in front of me.
"Natalia?"
My eyes glanced around the table. Father looked confused, surprised, and…worried. Yes…worried. Father was worried about me. The colonel looked like he was…waiting? Like he was reading a book, mildly interested in what was going to happen, what choice was going to be made now. And Emperor Peony…was he smirking? Like he predicted this, or perhaps he was proud of me. I really couldn't tell.
"Natalia? What's wrong?"
I stayed silent. Yes what was wrong with me? The real me wouldn't do something so rude, would've answered father, not let her worry about some lovesick servant that probably wasn't even there.
But then again, the "real" me was a coward, and it was time for some change.
"…If you'll excuse me." I whispered.
Then, I was running, leaving the talks of politics, the pale, unappetizing seafood, father's worried face, and the unusually uncomfortable chair all behind.
"Natalia, wait! Where are you going?!"
Father's voice followed me, worried, confused. I ran and ran, some maids calling my name, soldiers concerned voices all left behind. I was suddenly at the front doors, opening them, the harsh metal groaning in protest. I was struck by the cold wind, a storm raging on outside. I blinked my eyes a few times, a light cast out onto the street, my shadow a lone figure cut into it. The skirt of my dress was flapping around my legs wildly, the rain falling cruelly in front of my eyes. I was looking at the final obstacle, this storm, straight in the face.
The warmth of the castle inside was against my back, the fierce cold of the storm at my front. I could have run back inside, to the safety of my home, apologizing to father, taking back a life without Guy.
But a chance. I was given a chance. And life is full of chances, all luck. You never knew what was at the bottom if you went blindfolded. But if I never took this chance, if I continued to live with only the safety of Luke's promise, then what sort of life would I be living?
Natalia, where are you going?!
Father's words came back to me. I took in a deep breath, and ran, the rain pelting me. Guy's smiling face flashed through my mind, the water hitting me, over and over.
I'm going to him, father. To Guy. While I still can.
I suppose this was it. When I took the jump, following after him, finally mustering the courage, the wind blowing against my face. The only time a person can truly fly, feel gravity pull them downwards, is when we jump from the edge. So, I flew. It was dangerous, there were so many reasons that told me I shouldn't, but I didn't care. If I let that hold me back, then I would never be able to truly be proud of myself. After all, he gave up on me, this meeting our last chance, and I ran to him. I didn't even know if he would be there, but at least I can say I tried.
I decided to stop running away. No more flying away, I was finally flying back to him; this butterfly who was letting herself be caught, the fairy who married the mortal, a spineless princess who loved the determined, hopeful servant. I was giving up, giving in, and taking a chance.
There was a loud crack of thunder, the sky lighting up for a few seconds, the rain hitting me relentlessly, no mercy at all. It was a long trip to the port, and I was running out of breath, out of energy. I felt cold, the thunder rumbling in the distance, the water making me shiver, the sweat feeling strange with the rainwater. I found myself in an aircar, panting, alone. The night was so loud, the city so bare. No one was out, maybe because of the storm. I shivered violently, formal wear not the best for this.
What would I tell father? I would return home, but what would my excuse be? And Guy. Would he even be there?
Wait for me, Guy, I told him, Wait for me for just a little longer. I'm coming as fast as I can. Just wait a little longer.
I felt the wind hit me again, and I hugged myself, already soaked, only going to get worse from here on out. But I didn't care. I just wanted Guy to be there.
And if he wasn't?
Then at least I tried. This was all chance, a last chance, the final gamble. And I didn't know about my luck, but I sure knew what I wanted.
Ping! The aircar doors opened, the thunder rumbling in the distance, another strike of thunder making a large clapping sound near me. I looked up, the sky dark and sinister, lighting up here and there due to the lightning. The rain kept falling, and I ran. I had to keep going.
Guy was waiting, he's been waiting this whole time, and it was the moment he got his reward.
I felt pains going up the side of my legs; was I really this out of shape? Well, I only knew how to use healing artes, seeing as I'm a seventh fonist, and-
…And suddenly the ground was falling underneath me, no support, wham! And then my head was spinning.
It took me a while to process what had happened, my body aching, the rain falling on me. I felt the rain water seep into my clothes, and let the ringing in my ear die down before I got up. I pushed myself up, and looked down. Mud, all over my dress…the maids wouldn't like this. I got up, a strange looseness in my ankle. I had slipped and fallen, but not broken yet.
I dusted myself off, then lifted a leg, yanking off the heel, then the other, soon running again. They would hold me back, and I needed to see him as soon as I could.
A pair of heels, forgotten. Maybe they would be found in the morning, maybe I would come back for them; who knew? Right now, they had their own story, branching from my own as I ran and ran toward a different future.
It felt unpleasant to run without shoes, my stockings getting soggy, but I kept going. Why was I doing this? Sacrificing so much, going through anything for him?
…Because he made me happy. I realized, it was simple as that. People fall in love to be happy. To experience bliss like no other, to know how it feels like to be appreciated. And Guy made me feel like that. It's only natural I'd want to be with him, no matter what.
I kept running. Another clap of thunder resounded through the sky, sounding like it was right near me, making me stiffen with fear. I kept going however. What had Guy said?
They say, if you count seconds between thunder, the longer it takes, the farther away it is.
He had said this to me…during lunch. When he forced me to eat, as ravished I was, I refused, but he got me to anyway. Always looking out for me, why hadn't I noticed it before…?
No. No, no, no! Dwelling on the past, on the impossibility of the moment, will not aid me. All I had to do now was look toward the future, was run toward it, fly off the edge, and fall and fall. Guy was waiting, or maybe not waiting, how would I know?
All I had to do was try.
You can't be sure! That's life; it's full of chances! So don't just run away because you're afraid!
He was trying to help me. Back in the garden, when Emperor Peony approached me, repeating those same last words Guy had said to me, he was trying to help. Going through the same pain as I, hoping to not see another couple ruin themselves, like him and the woman he loved did. He didn't want me to know that pain, but to try. Because he was right; life is full of chances, and I needed to take mine at last, take Guy by the hand, stop him from running ahead of me.
I ran into another aircar, quickly hitting the switch, hearing the machines underneath me toil, and saw the scenery pass by. I was shivering, soaked, clothes sticking to my skin, hair matted to my face, the water drip-dropping down my neck, making me flinch each time. I tried to catch my breath, head looking up to the ceiling of the car. I felt the cold metal of the floor underneath the soles of my feet, the stockings clinging and wet. I felt a throbbing in my feet, no shoes to guard them. I didn't care though. Guy. Guy was waiting.
That day I found him breathtaking, the day he became more than just 'Luke's servant', the day he made me stop crying, I had looked down to that handkerchief.
Keep it, he had said. A shrug, so casual, so simple. Just like that, he had smiled, cheered me up, handed me the strength Madame Fabre and I weren't able to have. He had looked so beautiful, so breathtaking with the sun shining behind him, and he was becoming more then 'A person who had made me stopped crying' and to one who had stolen my heart.
Ping! The doors rumbled open, and I smelled the sea mixed in with the scent of rainwater. I felt excitement resound through my body, my heart beating fiercely in my chest, as ran, as I flew, as I fell.
Now, here I was, running to him, perhaps he wasn't even there, ready to risk it all, taking a chance, letting care fly off me, like it had in my dream, when he kissed me, when I admitted my love. I turned the corner, scanning the port for any sign of him.
And now, I was ready to give him my love. My trust, my future, my self in general.
Keep it, I would tell him. Keep it, just like that. You deserve it, Guy. You've earned it.
Then, there he was, coat huddled around him, underneath the tunnel that led to the boats, face bewildered, clear, blue eyes wide.
"Natalia?"
A concert. Just like when he cheered me up, when he held me, when he kissed me, when he admitted his love to me. The rain hit the ground with each drop, eight hundred and plus, a soft shushing sound, like it was telling the world to be quiet. To let the world sleep for awhile, let her replenish herself, let everyone just slow down. And here, time was slow. Everything was all a blur now, the dinner, the seafood, the colonel's red eyes, so piercing, so abnormal. Father's voice following me, the forgotten heels, the fall. It all seemed so pointless now that my goal was reached, destination found. Luke's promise, the engagement, the risk to Kimlasca, it all seemed so pointless now, just slipped away, and all there was, was Guy, standing right there, back to the brick wall, huddled over from the cold, my knight in shining armor.
Of course, his first response was to worry about me.
"Natalia, you're soaked! Here, take this," He pulled me toward him, taking his jacket off, putting it around me. It felt heavy, so warm and comforting, his body heat still having influenced it. It smelled like him, like soil, and metal. I liked it, touched by his show of kindness.
I shivered, feeling it all catch up to me, the cold, the fall, finally noticing it. My ankle felt strange, was throbbing, my knee having a sharp pain in it. I found out later I got a scrape, blood oozing, just a bit. My body felt cold, felt wet, my dress hanging on me so heavily, the skirt limp and dirty around the edges. My hair was drooping, weighed down by the water, each drop hitting my bare back, or my neck. I took off my gloves, just to help, even a bit.
"…Why are you here?" I asked him quietly, so quiet I wondered if he even heard me. I dropped one glove next to me, making a plop sound.
He was silent, and I didn't look to him, not wanting to, trying to concentrate on the other glove instead.
"I was waiting for you."
Plop. Off went the other glove. My hands still felt damp, cold, and I pulled his coat closer to me, taking in the smell as best as I could.
"You know I wasn't going to come." I corrected him, not harsh, just confused. Confused, but grateful, so very grateful.
"…You did, didn't you?"
And it was like he grabbed my heart, and squeezed it, making it ache, but in a good sort of way. He hadn't given up, and if I did things right, he wouldn't move on.
I almost smiled, feeling the tears, warm and big, slide down my face.
"…What do you say we take a chance?"
The water pitter-pattered around us, the cold air biting into my legs, my arms and torso protected by his coat, by his scent. At this, this question, the final one, I looked up at him. His back to the wall, his whole demeanor dry and silent. Hard to read his face, not sad, or happy, just contemplating. Funny how I, the princess, was so dirty and wet, while he, the servant, was so dry and clean. Had he gotten here early? It broke my heart just thinking about it.
Suddenly, it seemed quiet, another rumble of thunder, a flash of lightning, lighting up the sky, and his face, the shadows falling against it again. The world seemed quiet, like it was all focused on us, the spotlight on the two star-crossed lovers, the concluding decision, the climax, the finale.
He nodded slowly.
"…I'd like that."
And then, we needed no words. It was all said and done. Slowly, he pulled me to his chest, and I could feel it against my cheek, so dry and warm. His shirt was soft, and I had a feeling I could sleep on this chest peacefully, if I wanted to. He wrapped his arms around me, digging his face into my hair, his breath feeling ticklish on my scalp; he was breathing me in.
And this was what I wanted, and this was what I got. And it was everything I thought it would be, and more.
Of course, it wasn't over. We would have a lot to talk about: what to do when the engagement rolls around, becomes valid; how to see each other so as to not raise suspicion, how far we were willing to take this, how I would make it up to him from all the insults and cruel things I did to him. What I'd say to father when I got back home, how I would explain my appearance, how we would make it all a secret, careful, so careful. We had a million obstacles in front of us, had to be cautious, and had to be wary.
But right now, it didn't matter. The rain hushed the word, each drop at a time, letting us soak in the moment, taking in each other, and why we were risking it at all, in the first place.
He parted a bit, taking my cheek in his hand, thumb brushing over the skin, his face closer to mine, so warm, so soft, he kissed me. A kiss I would savor, his kisses I would never tire of.
And it was at moments like this where you had to forget. Forget everything you knew, what you were taught, and just let it all go. Go with your instincts, go like a caged, starved animal to the prey. Go with what your body knew, your intuition, and just become human for one whole second. Forget the world, forget your worries, and just be. Go ahead; spoil yourself. You've earned it.
I broke the kiss, and ducked my head. Was I crying? I was so wet, it was hard to tell. It felt like it though, throat constricted, chest tight. I buried his head into my chest, and we just stayed like that. Why was I crying? I'm…still not sure.
But he drowned me. In his smell, the smell of oil and metal, his warmth, his touch. Guy was drowning me deeper, and deeper, until I couldn't see the light any longer. My breath stopped, no oxygen to save me. However, I didn't fight back. I was drowning, any way to save me from him disappearing slowly, ever slowly. But that was okay. I didn't want help. It felt warm down here. For once in a long while, having to chase him away, I was finally warm. The core of my body, my soul, shaking, my legs feeling weak, my heart beating in my ears.
And then I heard it, cuddled into his chest. His own heartbeat. Th-thump, th-thump, th-thump. It was so clear, so deep, so comforting. I listened to it intently, like it was a song I would never hear again. Like the last lullaby of childhood. I counted between each one, remembering it, preserving this moment so clearly. I held him back, at last, just taking him in.
And that night, the night I finally just jumped off the edge, the night I decided I would risk it all, I heard a lot of things.
I heard the rain quieting the world, heard the rumble of the thunder in the distance.
I felt a lot of things too. The cold, his coat around me, his lips on my own.
But I will always remember that heartbeat, his warmth, proving this wasn't a dream, and there was no turning back.
I felt the pen slip and fall out of my hand, right next to my chair. It rolled away, under my cot. I could retrieve it later.
Amazing. I always found it simply astounding how reckless I had been. Perhaps his Imperial Majesty was right; Perhaps I am too dramatic about everything.
Either way, when I got back (dryer then I was previously, of course; taking back the heels I had abandoned) all I told father was that I had to meet someone very special.
Guy had carried me back part of the way, until we found my shoes, after the storm had quieted down. We had talked, waiting for the rain to stop, about what we would do. We planned it all out, fixed up any loose ends, deciding how this relationship would work. All while sitting down, his coat around me, hips touching. Of course, when it ended, he heard none of my pleas, and carried me back, bridal-style, saying it was the least he could do.
And of course he teased me as to how much a heroic I was, and perhaps even reckless to go through a storm for him, earning himself his coat back, via my abrupt toss to his face.
Of course I enjoyed it, my head against his chest, looking for his heartbeat. Every time I would hold him, I would always search for it, listen to it intently whenever it was found. It was the one thing I loved about him, the one thing that was constant; proving this all wasn't a far-fetched dream. That Guy was holding me, that I was here, with him; that he wasn't leaving anytime soon.
It was twelve forty when I finally got back home, when he kissed me on last time on the aircar, letting me reach home first, before he would, so as to not raise suspicion. Saying, so easily, making it all real with the words 'I'll see you tomorrow.'
I leaned back in my chair. Twenty six pages all demolished with this one memory. The time I took a chance, not knowing what would meet me at the bottom, not really caring. And this…this was when it started. The affair. Two years would pass before we finally let it go, to reasons that…
…That will come up later. Just be patient, self. We'll get to those, soon.
But I must admit, I am proud of myself. To take such a risk I…I personally still think, to this day, he was worth it. I regret nothing, not forgetting Luke's promise, neither acting so rude as to run from dinner, no actual good, legitimate reason given. To this day…I'm proud of myself. Impressed.
Am I smiling? Yes…but that's fine. With my heart swelling with bliss…it's fine. I'm fine.
Guy, I loved you, and it was fine.
I get up, reaching under my bed for the pen, retrieving it, reaching my desk once more, a hand brushing against the rough paper. I had more to write; about us, about when we finally took the relationship farther, and…
…and when it ended. When we were 'caught' in a way, by the one person I didn't want to find out. When we began to see it crack, and crumble, this love taken too far, the end finally in sight.
And then your goodbye.
And then, Asch.
Asch.
Yes. I had a lot to write about Asch. As much as it would pain me to, I shall. His death…it still affects me to this day.
I loved him.
And I loved Guy.
But now…Guy. Guy, tomorrow, what is going to happen…
We can only see what shall happen, what we will do. I will speak to you about the affair, don't you worry. Tomorrow, when you have time, when I have a chance, I will. Because of this momentous occasion, we have to. It can't go unnoticed any longer.
Until then, I shall do the only thing I can, the only thing I know how to do best in such situations.
I shall cope, swallow the pain, and go on.
And write.
That's the end of chapter seven! Thanking you for reading! I'm so very grateful! x3
Alright. Complaining time.
Agh! Peony! I was dreading this chapter only because Peony is such a hard character for me to capture and I knew I would make him out of character! And if I did, I'm so sorry! I have such difficulty with him, but that is no excuse, and I'm so sorry for my pathetic writing ability! So sorry!
And if Nat came out as too angsty, I'm sorry! I'm not sure if I did, but I'm almost certain I did, and I'm sorry!
And I'm so sorry it's written so repetitively, and so blandly! This is probably my worst written chapter, and I'm so sorry for that. Dx
…And, no, the fic isn't over. There is so much more, as Nat has stated, but for awhile, it shall be fluffy (for two chapters) and showing how far they went. Please bear with me, until we get more conflict.
And yes, Asch. There will be Asch, but later. He wasn't nothing to Natalia, don't worry. And there will be Sophie, so don't worry about that either. But only in the Guy's POV chapters.
And…yeah, it sounds like I'm giving a movie preview. xD;;
Anyway, thank you so much for reading! We're already halfway done with the story; isn't that nice? :D
Thank you so much for reading, again! I hope you have a wonderful day! Ciao!
-Apple Fairy
