Homecoming Part 3: Exposition, Presented with Commentary
"A hard day's work is at an end. Good job everyone."
"Hooray for working hard…!"
"I am not used to this, but hey, pocket money."
"I'm with G1 on this one."
"Same."
"The back of my mind is saying this isn't really CPU-worthy work. Doing odd jobs, increasing shares…" Neptune, stop complaining. It's not that bad.
"True, most ordinary citizens take on Quests to make a bit of money."
"Do you blame them though? Not bad pay for not too hard work. Seems like easy living to me."
"Johnny brings up a good point, doesn't he Storm?"
"Yeah, not a bad plan at all."
"I dunno how to do any kind of work except for this soooo…" Poor Plutie, we are gonna help you.
"Damn inner kindness bullshit…" I muttered.
"What was that?" Storm asked.
"Nothing."
"We're being ignored, aren't we?"
"Don't sweat it too much."
"That's okay. You're still new to this whole CPU thing."
"Hehehe. You're so nice to me…"
"SEE!"
"Johnny chill man."
"No! No I will not!"
*Chop* *Thud*
"What was that noise, Steven?"
"Johnny's body hitting the ground."
"Why…?"
"I knocked him out because he was starting to freak out."
"Oh…"
"Anyway…Plutia, you need to get more competent, otherwise your people are going to start doubting your ability."
"I take it back…You're being mean again…"
"Don't worry, we'll help you out Plutia."
"Thank you, Storm."
"Excuse me, ladies."
"What, Neptune?"
"Is a CPU…something you become? You're not just…born one?"
"What? Of course you're not. Ugh…I was supposed to become a CPU myself, but…You'll see. Someday, I'll become the CPU of my own nation, and this one won't even hold a candle to it!"
"Hooraaaay…! Go for it, Noire!"
"You should at least say that you won't lose to me, your greatest rival, or there's no competition."
"But she's cheering you on as a friend, not as a competitor." I say, trying to get in some actual conversation in with the three girls.
"I know that, but still…"
"Would you rather have a friend or a rival?"
"…friend…"
"I'm sorry, what was that?" I asked in a teasing manner.
"I said I'd rather have a friend!"
"That's what I thought."
"Awww, I like being your friend too!"
"Hey Plutia, we haven't seen her today."
"She had to go do some shopping…"
"Whoa, hey! Too much subject jumping!'
"I agree with Neptune."
"Of course you would Storm, you two have very similar personalities." Ouch. A little quick on the draw there, aren't 'cha Johnny. By the way, when did you wake up?
"I will admit that they could have had a better segway into that."
"Whatever G1."
"So, like you turn into a CPU? Isn't it bad if anybody can become one…?"
"It's not easy, so it's not a problem. Seriously, what's wrong with you? This is basic, common knowledge."
"To be fair, we're in the same boat as her. This is news to me." That's because you're lame and don't own a PlayStation console, Johnny.
"It's not MY common knowledge! Me, Nep Jr., and everyone else were born CPUs!"
"You were born that way? Woooow, that's so neat…" Activating shit-eating grin. Inserting mischievous feelings into eyes. This is going to be fun.
"Why are you smiling like that, Steven? It's a bit unsettling."
"G1, don't you dare…"
"No reason, and I don't know what you're talking about Johnny."
"You were going to start singing 'Born this Way'."
"No I wasn't. I was planning no such thing."
"The more you deny it, the guiltier you seem."
"Ah, whatever Noire."
"Back on topic, I told you to stop believing everything this girl says, Plutia."
"Man, this is so crazy. It's like I've literally fallen down to a different world."
"Hm, it's almost like there's three other people here who have not only experienced the same thing, but have also been saying that all along!"
"G1, no need to be salty."
"No, this situation deserves at least a little salt, Storm."
"I'm curious, though. How do you become a CPU? Does something good come from it?"
"I can't believe you're this ignorant. I kind of pity you. Whatever. It's annoying, but I'll explain it to you."
"Could you learn us a thing while you're at it?" Hehehe, me and my ignoring of grammar.
"Fine."
"Yay! I'm not pumped about how you phrased it, but do go on!"
"First, you need a CPU Memory, which is found inside of a Memory Core."
"Oh, like a Class Change item! Kinda boring names, though. Are they rare drops?"
"Beyond rare. Legendary. Only a few Memory Cores exist, and they only produce CPU Memories once every couple of centuries."
"Centuries? Pretty balls for a respawn time. Only MMO shut-ins who camp for weeks can get it!" On an island, a blonde woman with blue eyes and noticeable…assets… sneezed.
"The interval is still randomized, so it's not like you can set a clock for the next one's arrival."
"Pretty small odds."
"Indeed."
"Johnny, what do you know about gambling and what not?"
"The basics."
"Anyway, if you really want one, I guess you could camp for it, like you said. But competition is kind of light."
"Aaaaand, there's a Memory Core near this place…"
"I see. So you were hanging out by the CPU Memory, Plutie? Man, I bet there was a swashbuckling fantasy melee to claim it!"
"That's a bit absurd, even by your standards." Storm deadpanned, and I couldn't agree with him more. Johnny looks like he wants to drown this craziness with the temporary relief known as alcohol.
"Nobody battles over it. I just said there aren't a lot of people looking for one."
"I stumbled upon mine when I went on a loooovely picnic…"
"Aw, it was that easy? I don't get it yet. Keep on with the explainings."
"Well, the weather was reeeally nice that day and I decided to open up my basket by the river…"
"Sounds like a nice time."
"Yes it does, Storm."
"Gotta agree with those two" I said.
"It was nice."
"That's good."
"Ooh, stop right there! Don't remind me of that day!" Holy hell in a hand basket, Noire's shaking like a leaf. "The sheer terror I felt the first time Plutia activated HDD…"
"Terror, you say?" Oh, Neptune, you shall learn soon enough.
"Ugh, forget it. Let's get back on topic. You need that item to turn into a CPU. Only people born with certain qualities are eligible, so if someone lacking those tries…"
"Yeah, yeah? If they try…?"
"From her tone of voice, something bad happens."
"Correct, Johnny. I mean, it's an old fairy tale, but I was told that they would turn into a hideous monster."
"That's bad."
"Indeed, ol' chap."
"G1, why'd you turn British on us?"
"Shits and giggles, mostly."
"Makes sense, knowing you."
"Sounds terrifying. What gives? It's rare to get the item, and even if someone does, they might be monsterfied instead? That's a pretty big risk! You had some brave guts to wanna be a CPU, Plutie!"
"Oh, I didn't really want to…I picked it up and thought it was my rice ball, soooo I ate it…"
"I said not to remind me!"
"Sounds like she played a game of Russian Roulette." Stated Johnny.
"It is risky," Noire continued, "but I think there's some merit to becoming a CPU. First of all, you can go and found your own nation."
"Huh? So the CPUs make the nation? Not t'other way around?"
"Sounds like mideval times." Storm said analytically.
"Oh, I know what you mean…Did the chicken or the egg hatch first, riiiight?"
"Yeah, kinda-sorta! But anyway, whichever is first, it all ends up the same, huh?"
"The first step to enlightenment is accepting the inevitability of things."
"Wow Stevie, that was surprisingly deep…"
"G1 just got all sage-y on us… dafuq?'
"I have my moments."
"Not to interrupt your philosophical musings, but I'm going to keep talking."
"You like the sound of your own voice, don't you?"
"Hey!"
"Johnny, be nice…"
"That WAS nice, Storm. I could have said something worse."
"I gotta agree with Johnny, Storm. I mean, she does talk a lot. But, I bet she has other impressive skills involving her mouth." Hehe, blowjob joke. I'm just going to let that little statement sink in…
"G1!" Storm shouted.
"You beautiful bastard…" Johnny praised.
"I try, but I think I broke them…" There they were, red faced and still as statues.
"Good job, asshole. Now we won't get an explanation."
"You were just singing high praises a moment ago. Plus out of the three of us, you are the only one who needs it, Johnny."
"Guys, let's stop so they can recover."
"Alright, Storm/Sure, Storm"
*Five minutes later*
Holy shit, that took longer than I thought.
"Noire, could you please resume your explanation?"
"Oh…uh…Sure, Johnny. So secondly, you gain divine powers. And with those powers, you protect and guide humanity. If you do a good job, people will have more faith in you, and that increases your powers further.
"See, that jives with what I know about CPUs."
"For the longest time, there was only one CPU in existence and ruled the only nation. It's still fine for those who believe in her, but many disagree with, and have no faith in, this CPU. Life outside of her nation's borders can be pretty hard to endure. That's why I want to become a CPU and give those people a new nation for them to believe in!"
"You've earned my respect." Johnny proclaimed proudly.
"Noble ambitions indeed."
"Well, if I went sage mode, Storm just went samurai mode."
"G1, that was a bit racist."
"Oh, fuck. Sorry, Storm."
"It's not a big deal, I know what you meant."
"Thanks you three…"
"No problem!" Well shit, the three of us spoke in unison. If it were two of us it would have made sense, but three?
"That's exactly the type of motivation Class President Noire would have." Way to ruin the moment, Neptune.
"You're sooo cool, Noire…"
"But then Plutia beat me to it! And she wasn't even trying to be a CPU!"
"Awww…I've already apologized for that one gajillion times."
"And you guys said I was salty…"
"Hmm, I see, I see. I think I get most of at least half of it. Thanks. But if that's how it is here, I don't need to be a CPU. Kind of frustrating that I can't change forms, but it isn't really that big a deal. Besides, if I become a CPU, it means that I'd hafta do more work. I'm tired of all the forced labor."
"I must hurry and become a CPU. It'd kill me if I turn into an old hag while Plutia stays young…"
"Aww, you'll be okay…You'd be a cute old lady, Noire…"
"That brings up a good question. G1, will you age, seeing as how you're a demon now?"
"Don't know, I guess it will depend on how much of me is demonic. I'll ask Dante, he should know more about this than I do. Hold on." Time to have a chat with the voice in my head.
'Hey, Dante! Get your lazy ass up! I need some answers!'
'I'm up, kid. What do you need?'
'I'm assuming you heard Johnny's question.'
'The whole aging thing, right?'
'Yeah.'
'You won't, or at least you shouldn't.'
'Really?'
'Whoever brought us here had some seriously long term plans for you three. Plus, the more demonic you are, the more traits you'll share with demons. That should explain the lifespan thing.'
'How much of me is demonic? I mean, you are half demon and you lived for a regular amount of time…'
'About ¾. Nero was about that much and he had that arm of his, so who's to say that they made it so you had a demon's lifespan.'
'Okay, that makes sense. Thanks.'
'No problem, now go get us some pizza.'
'Later.'
'Fine.'
'You sound like a child that's been told to eat his vegetables.'
'Whatever you say, kid.' And like that, I was kicked out of the conversation.
"So what's the verdict?"
"No aging, whoever brought us here had long term plans for us. Really long term."
"Oh, well then." Oh I should probably mention that I explained everything that I knew to Johnny and Storm involving our…predicament.
"Noire, Spinster Edition…Hahaha! I'd pay to see that! But seriously, I doubt you'd be cute. You'd probably wear floral muumuus and lecture 'kids these days'…Hey! Stop the presses!"
"What!? Don't shout!"
"Noire, you're getting older? I mean, why?"
"What do you mean, why? That's how the concept of time works. What do you think I am?"
"N-No, nut I mean, Plutie will always look like that."
*Bang Bang Bang*
"Stevie, why are you hitting your head against the wall…?"
"Just…Don't worry about it." I can hear just how done I am with this conversation in my voice. I'd like to put it in the 200% range.
"Okay…Neppy, I'm a CPU now, so I'm always going to look like this…"
"Uh-oh, hold up. So unless I become a CPU here, I'm gonna get old and stuff too, right?"
"…Yes, that is how the concept of time works."
"So it is safe to assume that you believe that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, Noire?"
"Yes, why?"
"G1, really?"
"I like making references! You two have known me long enough that you should know this! Anyway, if you look at time from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's actually a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey…stuff." The smile I get from making a Doctor Who reference falters when I look at all of the unamused faces. At least the two purple haired girls allowed me to speak my piece.
"Neppy, were you born way far away from books and language…?" Plutie continued from earlier.
"Nope, this won't do at all! I like being young and adorable! But letting myself become all sexy and busty wouldn't be too bad…Still, I get all that sexiness when I transform, and we'd only really need one old hag in the party."
"I like how we aren't even considered in these conversations."
"Johnny, there is a reason this chapter is called 'Exposition, Presented with Commentary'."
"Storm, fourth wall needs a break."
"G1, there hasn't been much breaking to begin with." As he says this, he looks at the sky, and Neptune appears to be doing the same.
"We're disappointed in you."
"Me?"
"No, the other you."
Me?
"Yes."
Just get back to the story…
"Enough you two. And Neptune, I have no idea what you're talking about. How am I supposed to respond to your insane ramblings?"
"That settles it! I'm gonna become a CPU! Again! For the approximate 240 million members of the Nep-Nep fan club, I vow to keep my current figure!"
"Ooooh, fun…You're going to become a CPU, too…?"
"If it were that easy, I'd already be one, y'know. You have no idea how hard I've been trying…"
"Oh, I bet it was quite hard." Johnny was giggling like a school girl at my joke.
"Ugh, have you no shame, Steven?"
"Shame?! Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome."
"You are unbearable!"
"You know you love me."
"…that's the problem…"
"What was that?"
"Nothing!"
"Anyway…If we find that memory thing, I call dibs. And then you can get one, Noire."
"Excuse me? Where do you get off deciding that?"
"I bet you would like to know exactly where she gets off, don't you?"
"Stop that!"
"Dude! Come on! Main characters always get priority!"
"Technically, G1 is the main character in this fic."
"In canon, I'm the main character, Storm. And Noire, even if you become a CPU, you won't be all that popular. Thus, Nep-Nep gets dibs."
"That statement is going to bite her in the ass, isn't it?" Johnny whispered to me.
"Oh yeah."
"Whatever! I know I'd be way more popular than you! I'm not giving my item to you!"
"Hehehe…I hope all of us get to become CPUs…"
We have a bit more work to do, then we can go back to the Basilicom. I just want today to be over. I plan on sleeping this off like a bad hangover.
"Let's go already!" Looks like I was being left behind in my musings.
"Coming!" And thus, the adventure continues.
