Okay, in this chapter I touch on an episode of depression/psychotic structure and although I have endeavoured to be as factually correct as possible, I'm sorry for any mistakes.
Thanks so much to my pre reader Simplymatt and my amazing beta texasbella.
EPOV
I had felt so fucking guilty shouting at him, and even more breaking down in front of him like I knew his pain... I didn't.
I'd had a few days of sleeping rough, eating crap and yes, I'd cut myself during that time, but to me that was a sign of weakness. There were no marks on his arms, no signs of weakness.
I had thanked my lucky stars that I hadn't been beaten, I felt nothing for my family now, respect as my father so often told me, was earned not expected. Oh how right you were, dear father and yes, he's now dead, but I had been dead to him so much sooner.
We fell into easy conversation after our declarations of honesty, he made a light lunch and we were now sat on his patio eating, the new topic of discussion was about me finishing high school.
"Why can't I finish my studies at home? I have a few short months till graduation, I don't want to face them, not now."
"Them?"
"The kids at school, they already think I'm weird, I don't need their stares, their judgments, not now," I sighed.
"Edward, I'm not a teacher, plus I have to go to work..."
"I'll do it myself, Carlisle. Most of my lessons I can get online." He sighed, looking as though he was about to argue so I quickly added, "I'll even phone the school and ask to do all my exams online too."
He nodded. "Colleges?"
"Shit!" All of my college applications would have been sent... there.
"Edward?"
"My applications, they'll all be there..."
His brows knitted together, then the penny dropped. "Ah."
"Yeah."
"I could contact your mother, anonymously of course, and ask for the applications?"
"NO!" She would tell him to get rid of me, rid himself of the poison before I hurt him too. "I'll take a year off, find myself somewhere to stay and apply next year." I shrugged.
"Edward...I..."
"Listen Doc, I get that you want to help me, but you don't know me, you're not my parent...so..." I stood and walked into the house making for the stairs.
"Edward?"
"Yeah?" I answered, not turning around.
"I know I'm not your parent, I know I don't really know you, but if you give me the chance I'd like to, get to know you that is."
I turned at the top of the stairs, the sun was shining in through the glass from the front door onto his face, he really was quite attractive... for a thirty something.
"I was going to suggest you coming into the hospital to do volunteer work since we are always looking for people to talk to patients and help out, you know?"
I sat down on the stairs and said quietly, "I'm sorry."
"For?"
"For jumping to conclusions, for thinking you were trying to tell me what to do."
He chuckled, "It's understandable."
"Huh?"
"You're a teenager, isn't that what they do?"
"Oh!" I laughed, "You're funny...for an old guy."
"Hey, I'm not old. I'm only thirty!"
"Yeah okay, well I won't be a kid much longer I'm eighteen in..." My breath left me...I would be eighteen in a week. I remembered my parents talking about the huge get together they were planning, my present was going to be a 'reasonable car', whatever that meant, although I had seen my father looking at a Volvo! Seriously, I'd rather walk.
I felt a hand on my knee, stopping it from bouncing, "Edward, you okay?"
My body leaned into his touch, humming as the heat from his hand spread through my body.
I stood and practically ran to my room, thinking, fucking coward, he wanted to know if you were okay and you just upped and ran. I slammed the door, pressing my back against the wood. What the hell was that about?
I took in deep breaths as my thoughts continued to toss around in my head.
Why does he make me feel that way when he touches me?
Why does my body hum when he is close?
Like it knew something I didn't.
Did I think he was attractive, beautiful even?
I heard his footfalls moving down the stairs and away from me. "Fuck!" I hissed, rubbing my face with my hands.
I decided to take a shower to sort my thoughts and try to calm down. I allowed the hot spray to massage my aching body, and found my hand moving down to my groin of its own accord and I gave in. Achingly, I slid my erection slowly up and down with my hand as my mind was suddenly filled with brown caring eyes, smiles and open fires.
My knees collapsed as I came against the stark white tiles. "Urgh... Carlisle..." I moaned.
Wait!
What?
You're going to fuck this up, just like you fucked up your mother and me...
Came the cold tone of my father's voice... he was right, if I had been normal, I wouldn't have fucked everything up.
My fading pink scars glowed like a beacon... I am poison, I need to be punished, I don't deserve to live...
I rushed from the shower and fumbled around in my backpack that had been on the chair since my arrival. I found my swiss army knife and pulled open the blade, my hands trembling.
My father's voice echoed in my head.
"Get out."
"I said get out, get out of my house."
"I gave you everything."
"You are dead to me."
Then the voice changed to my mothers as my hand tightened around the handle of the blade...
"Get out."
"You've killed him, get out!"
"You deserve to die, you killed him, you brought those evil words into our home...you...fr..freak!"
"Leave now, go and I won't tell the police it was you."
"Please, leave me alone," I whispered.
"Doc grab his legs, keep him still," I heard the rough voice whisper shout.
I felt myself being held down, but it wasn't warm caring hands, it was rough bear like paws holding onto my shoulder.
"Emm leave go, he's going to go catatonic in a minute, look at his eyes." This voice I knew, although his words confused me.
"Doc, he has a knife!"
"He won't hurt me..." Wait, what, of course I wouldn't hurt him what is he talking about?
"Doc, I can't take that chance. Ali would never forgive me."
Who is Ali?
I fought against my restraints but they held me firm, as darkness was pulling me under.
"Edward?" the voice was soft and familiar, yet sounded a million miles away.
I couldn't move, my eyes were open, my lips moved but fell silent. What was happening to me?
"Edward?"
I'm here Doc, can't you hear me?
"Doc, he needs Lorazepam."
"I know."
I need what?
Why?
I screamed out his name, but it fell on deaf ears.
The words around me were muffled , like I had my head in a fish bowl.
"Doc!"
"I KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS, EMMETT, DAMMIT!"
Emmett?
Who the fuck is Emmett, and why is Doc shouting at him?
"Carlisle?" This Emmett's voice was softer now, almost comforting.
"I can't lose him, Emmett."
"Carlisle?"
I saw the Doc shrug as he sat on the edge of my bed.
"I met him online..." he began and I saw Emmett's eyes widen "No! Oh hell no, not like that. He was on the chatline, he was so lost and I saw in him so much of where I was before Ali's father took me in."
Wait..so Ali is, family?
"You can't save everyone."
Doc chuckled and looked at me and then back to Emmett. "I think he is going to save me," he almost whispered as he looked at the floor in front of him and then back at me.
"I'll call the hospital, get the Lorazepam brought over," Emmett said as he sighed.
I can't save you! I screamed in my head.
My hands flexed into fists, yet my fingers lay flat on the comforter in front of me, I was being held prisoner by an invisible force.
"Edward, please come back to me, whatever happened, why you have the knife... we'll work through it." His voice was closer now.
Knife?
My eyes scanned the bed and the silver of my old swiss army knife caught my eye. Why DID I have the knife?
Because you're a fuck up...
Because you were too chicken shit to help out that kid so we could have finished you off, just like you wanted..don't you remember?
Cry baby?
"Edward?"
Doc! My lips moved, but still nothing, no sound came out.
Emmett walked back into the room with a small freeze box and handed it to Doc, who smiled sadly.
I watched in a terrified stupor as he removed a syringe, gently pushing out a small geyser of liquid.
He turned to me, "Forgive me, Edward, but you need this."
My eyes wouldn't close and I was watching every movement as the needle penetrated the inside of my arm.
I'm floating and I feel like I'm having an out of body experience...
Am I dead?
Did he just kill me?
Wait no, he couldn't have because now I could feel things, I could feel the softness of the pillow under my head, I could smell the clean crisp sheet that was covering me and I was so very tired.
I heard music and it was a lament, haunting... I've heard and played it a million times and now its grounding me, bringing me back
