Chapter Seven - Indecision
I woke up again, just a few hours later. My stomach gurgled with hunger, so I pulled myself up lazily and made my way to the kitchen. Nahuel was asleep on the couch, so I was careful to be quiet and not wake him. I started back towards my room after I ate, but then stopped to look at Nahuel's peaceful figure. I curled up beside him, accidentally jostling him awake.
"Renesmee?" he asked, surprised and sleepy.
"Sorry," I said sheepishly.
"Don't be," he smiled. He sat up and stretched his body out, then got to his feet. He lifted me up gently and made his way back to my room with me in his arms. He set me on the bed, then laid down beside me as his arms wrapped tightly around me. He said nothing, only gave me a kiss on each cheek, my forehead, and my lips.
I fell asleep again, and dreamed only of him. It was a very private type of dream..... one where we hadn't ever stopped what we were doing earlier. One where I wasn't worried about the consequences of my actions, and we got very carried away with one another.
I woke up to see Nahuel smiling beautifully at me. I wonder if he saw my dreams..... He kissed me tenderly as he pulled me closer to him. My arms wound around his neck and one of my hands gripped at his hair. I noticed for the first time that he was topless, and I raked the nails of my other hand lightly across his neck and shoulders. He groaned softly into my mouth, then eventually pulled himself away to sit up.
"Good morning," he smiled again, making me giggle. "You stay here. I'll be back shortly."
"Okay....?" Why'd I have to stay here?
He turned on my mp3 player for me before leaving out of my room. He returned about twenty minutes later with a tray in his arms, stacked high with pancakes.
"Nahuel, you didn't have to do that...." It was extremely sweet, though.
"You deserve it," he said as he placed a kiss on my forehead. He was wrong about that; I didn't deserve any of this. I did not deserve the love of two wonderful people when I did not deserve either one of them anymore.
I changed into a new shirt in front of him without even thinking better of it, only keeping my back to him as I felt his eyes on me. When I turned back around, his eyes were wide and he could not speak for a long moment.
"Let's go for a walk," he said eventually. He took my hand and led me outside with a large smile on his lovely face. We strolled around lazily, letting our feet just carry us whichever way. I was so confused still..... last time I had been away from Jacob, I'd been like a corpse without him. Now all of a sudden he leaves me unexpectedly and I'm.... actually fine. Mostly fine, anyways. I do wish he was here though.
"You could always be fine without him. You just won't give anyone that's not him a chance, even when you know you care about them," Nahuel said a bit sadly. I was trying to give it a chance, though. I was still wavering back and forth about what I was going to do about the whole situation. How do you choose someone when you have no idea which person you want?
Nahuel swept me up into his arms and met my lips with his, excited from the indecision he'd just heard in my thoughts. I kissed him over and over, trying to let myself feel whatever I was feeling. I was still completely confused though. I knew I loved Jacob.... but I was starting to feel almost as much love for Nahuel.
He carried me around aimlessly, smiling silently to himself.
"Nahuel.... how can you let me do this to you?"
"Do what to me? Make me happy?" he asked, still smiling hugely.
"What if I don't keep making you happy though? What if Jacob comes home and I break your heart?" A tear spilled over my eyelids. I didn't want to hurt anyone.
"Renesmee, if you choose Jacob, I will understand. But you could still choose me," he said hopefully.
"But if I don't....."
"If you don't it will hurt, but I'll always be here for you. You can have whatever piece of me you want."
I looked away from his face. "You're both too good for me. Maybe I should just stay alone forever and stop putting people I care about through pain."
"Don't say that. Stop worrying about who you'll hurt and just do what's going to make you happy. Jacob would understand if you wanted to be with me, he's even told you that before. And I would understand if you stay with him. I know you love him....."
"He doesn't know I love you, though. If he does come back, it's going to be really hard to explain myself to him." More tears spilled over at the thought of Jacob not coming back to me. "Maybe he'll make my decision for me. I'm pretty sure he's tired of the girl's he falls in love with falling for other people."
"It's happened to him before?" Nahuel cocked an eyebrow at me.
I laughed a little in spite of myself. "Yeah, a long time ago with my mom."
He stopped walking and gave me a look that told me to elaborate.
"After my mom and dad had been together for awhile, he left her. He was scared he was going to end up leading to her death basically, because she was human and he kept bringing her around all of these vampires. While he was gone, Jacob and Mom fell in love with eachother. When my dad came back to my mom, she didn't even realize that she was in love with Jacob, and she went straight back to my dad. Jake was completely heart broken...... Mom eventually realized that she was in love with both of them, but she loved Dad more, so she stayed with him."
"That's very... ironic. I bet that was hard on all of them."
"Yeah, tell me about it. I don't know how she decided between them like that, between two people she was in love with. I guess I better figure it out soon though."
"I'll respect whatever decision you make. But Renesmee," he looked deeply into my eyes with his own beautiful brown ones. "Jacob's not here right now, and just so you know, I will be taking advantage of that fact." He smiled hugely and brought my face back to his to kiss me again. His lips molded against mine, leaving me gasping for air. My arms wound around his neck as he put me back to my feet slowly.
I pulled him as tightly against me as was possible as my hands pulled his shirt upwards. I tossed it lightly a few feet away before meeting his lips once more. His arms pushed their way underneath my own shirt and felt the length of my mid-section, grasping at the sides of my waist and hips. He lifted my body up as his mouth moved down along my neck, warming the skin that it touched. I inhaled his scent and taste, feeding my fire once again.
I couldn't do that with him, though. I would definitely not let things get that out of hand, no matter how much I thought I might want to. The situation was complicated enough without all of that.
"I can't believe I got to see this this morning," he whispered with his forehead against mine and his hands gripping my body tightly.
I blushed slightly at the reminder.
"You are flawless, Renesmee," he said as he kissed me again.
"Maybe on the outside..... but I'm definitely not flawless."
"No, you are. Just because you're confused about what you want right now doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you."
I sighed. "Do you want to go back now? I'm hungry again," I said as my stomach growling punctuated my statement. He swept me back into his arms silently and walked us back to the house.
I only kissed him twice more that evening, as hard as it was to refrain from his beauty. We mostly just laid around on the bed and floor, listening to music and staring at one another. When I was ready to get back to bed, he said nothing but curled up beside me and held me as I drifted away.
I woke up to the same scene as yesterday, Nahuel smiling widely at me. He immediately pulled me on top of him and kissed me passionately, and I did not fight it one bit. It felt too good to say no. I eventually pulled myself away from him and got up for a shower.
I showered quickly and then readied myself as usual. When I got out, I went to the livingroom to ask my parents if they'd heard anything yet. They were absent, as they usually were in the mornings. They would have stayed to tell me if they had any news.
Nahuel was in the kitchen frying me up eggs and bacon. He was actually a really good cook, or was yesterday at least. He smiled widely once again as I walked up to him and put my arms around him from the back, kissing his back lightly and laying my head against him. He wrapped his arms over top of my own and held me there for a long time before turning around to place a soft kiss on my head.
"You look beautiful today, Renesmee," he murmured into my ear.
I giggled up at him. "You always say that. And you look lovely this morning too."
He hugged me up tightly and laid his cheek against mine for three full minutes. The only reason it wasn't longer was because he had to flip the bacon before it burnt. We sat down together to eat, and my heart panged as I thought about all the days I'd sat in these same seats with Jacob. I was missing him so badly, and no amount of Nahuel could cover that up. I'd tell him everything if he would only come back to me.
My heart ripped open to bleed at that thought. What if he never came back? What was I going to do without him? I could never just leave things the way that they were with him, he hated himself for a mistake that he made and didn't even know that I was the one he should be hating right now. I wasn't sure that he could ever hate me though, no matter how horrible I was. How could I always tell him that the only one I would ever see was him, and then fall in love with someone that was supposed to be my friend? I was breaking every promise I'd ever made to him.
"Renesmee...." Nahuel reached across the table and stroked my cheek softly. "Don't be sad. Jacob will come home, when he's ready to."
How did he know me so well? It was like he was reading my mind. I tried to smile at him. "Let's go listen to music," I whispered.
I turned my mp3 to 'New Death Sensation' and laid beside Nahuel on the bed, singing along to every beautiful word spoken. I wished I could find the answer here in the words, but it was no use. The only answers to be found were somewhere inside of me, and I hadn't found them yet. "Let the peices fall where they may...." I thought hard about that one. Where would the peices fall? Only time would tell for sure.
"Let's go for a walk again," Nahuel suggested after awhile. I let him take my hand and lead me away again. We hadn't gotten far before his lips were on mine, making me feel happy and horrible at the same time. There was no point in feeling bad anymore; I had done this enough for it to not matter at this point.
"Renesmee," he gasped softly into my ear after he had pulled his lips away from mine. "I want to know something...."
"What?" I whispered back as I clung to his body tightly.
"If Jacob was to not come back....and I'm not saying that he won't because I know that he will...... but if he didn't, would you stay with me?"
"Yes." The word came out of my mouth before my brain even registered the consequences. It was true, though; if Jacob never ever came back to me, I would want to stay with Nahuel. I did love him, I loved them both, and either one could make me happy. I just needed to figure out who would make me the happiest, if I still had the option of being with either of them in the future.
Nahuel's lips met mine once more, the excitement evident in his kiss. He gripped my body up tightly and laid us down on the forest floor, pushing my shirt up gently until my entire stomach was exposed. He kissed my throat softly and then my belly as I kept my eyes closed and tried to concentrate on only him and not think about Jake at all, which was impossible. He threw his own shirt lightly across a few trees before bringing his lips back to mine.
When I kissed Jacob, it was like the sunshine was coming through my eyelids, no matter what time of day or night it was. Nahuel's were different..... it was like the air around us changed, like everything turned hot and cold at the same time. My pulse quickened and my blood boiled, but still not in the same way as when I was with Jacob.
He eventually rolled over beside of me and intertwined his fingers in mine as his other hand stroked my face and hair. We stayed silent for almost an hour, letting the bright sun warm our faces and staring into one another's eyes.
"What's your favorite song, Renesmee?" he asked after some time.
"I don't know.... I have a new one every day."
"If you had to only choose one to listen to forever...."
"I would have to just not listen to anything ever again and play it all in my head all the time," I answered as best as I could.
He smiled widely. "That's just the type of answer I'd expect from you. What is your favorite color?"
"Today? Probably..... gray. What's yours?"
"Brown. Why gray?"
"I don't know.... there's something bleak about gray, but beautiful at the same time. It's like the light in a dark place."
"It's like me....." he whispered.
I laughed glumly. "Yeah, I guess it kind of is. Every time I'm sad, you're my light in the dark place."
"I could be alot more than that..... You don't have to be in a dark place to love me."
"I know that," I pulled myself up onto my elbow and traced his chest with my fingertips. "It's just how things keep happening."
He pulled me over onto his chest and our breathing was in time with one another's. I listened intently to every beat his heart gave, wondering if my answers could be found there. They could not.
He placed his hand to my own heart. "The answer's are there. You just have to find them."
"Find them for me," I said as I molded my lips to his softly. He kissed me so sweetly, so passionately and tenderly. His lips moved upwards across my cheek, and then stopped at my ear.
"I wish I could. You already know what answer I would give you, but that doesn't mean it's the right one," he whispered. His breath tickled my skin, and I inhaled luxuriously at his face. His scent was sweet, kind of similar to honey, with fusions of musk and dragon's blood flowers. It was beautiful, androgenous and perfect.
He sighed heavily and rolled away from me slightly. I hated that I was doing this to him, and to Jacob even though he didn't even know about it yet. I was clinging to Nahuel because I felt like I needed him so badly. I was so selfish.... I really should just be alone. That way I wouldn't hurt anyone else.
"You're not hurting me. You make me the happiest I've ever been in my life. I just wish it could last forever," he said in response to my thoughts. "You're not selfish, Renesmee. Everyone reaches a time when they're not sure what to do."
We laid until the sun was gone from sight, the moon replacing it quietly. The world would always turn it's endless rotations, but I was stuck in the same place as before. We finally rose to go home, walking lazily back towards my house hand in hand.
As we came closer, my breath caught onto a familiar scent.
"Jacob....?" I whispered into the wind.
"Yes, I caught that too," Nahuel said. He turned towards me again and kissed me lightly just before Jacob appeared through the trees. He sighed heavily as he released my hand. "I'll talk to you soon...." he whispered into my ear. He turned on his heels and went the rest of the way towards the house.
Jacob and I stared in silence at one another. I could see the pain in his beautiful black eyes, and he could probably see the same thing in mine.
"Oh, Jacob," I said as I went to him. He was completely stiff as my arms wrapped around his waist and I cried into the skin of his chest. He wrapped his arms around me slowly and laid his head on top of mine.
