Content warning in this chapter for explicit sexual advances toward a child. If you want to skip it, skip past the italicized section toward the end of this chapter. Enjoy!


Mauerbauertraurigkeit and Guilt

Message from: Yamagücci time: 7:04pm

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Message to: Yamagücci time: 7:05pm

What's up?

Message from: Yamagücci time: 7:05pm

HINATA ASKED ME OUT. WE ARE

GOING ON A DATE THIS WEEKEND.

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH M

Message to: Yamagücci time: 7:05pm

?!

Message from: Yamagücci time: 7:08pm

Oh my god we were just walking home

from school and then he suddenly pulled

me into an alleyway so nobody would hear

and he asked me on a date and we kissed

and i was freaking out but he was too so it

was okay! i didn't even know he was

interested in guys i'm so freaking happy

oh my gdosaff;ajkldakj;sd

Message to: Yamagücci time: 7:09pm

I'm so happy for you! I knew he was

into you, you just wouldn't believe me!

Message from: Yamagücci time: 7:12pm

I'm so nervoussssse what if i screw

seomthing up?

Calling Yamagücci...

Call answered.

Yamaguchi's face flickered onto the screen. He was grimacing and blushing, but nevertheless there was a little smile flickering at the corner of his lips.

"I can see it on your face. You're soo in loove," Kei teased.

Yamaguchi's blush darkened, and he turned his eyes away from the camera.

Kei took in a deep breath, running his speech over in his head. "Look. About what you said. I get it, okay? I've been there. I understand how nervous you're feeling right now. But remember. If being yourself or 'messing something up'," he quoted with his fingers, "isn't okay with this Hinata, then maybe he isn't good enough for you."

Yamaguchi nodded, his camera freezing for a second while he spun in his chair. "I know. And I know Hinata would never make me feel bad. I just can't help but be nervous! Thanks for worrying though, Tsukki."

Two people were calling him 'Tsukki', now. He didn't quite understand the appeal of that nickname, but given that those two people were the most important people in Kei's life, he wouldn't complain anymore.

Yamaguchi's eyes narrowed playfully, and Kei gulped. "You've got something to tell me, it seems? You understand how nervous I am feeling? Huuuh?" Yamaguchi snickered, leaning in closer to his camera, so his freckles became clearer on the screen.

Kei coughed. "I like it better when I'm preaching at you."

Yamaguchi giggled, leaning back in his chair. "Come on! How are you? I'm always talking about myself and you're never talking about you, so spill!"

"...It's really nothing. I promise." He was glaring at his keyboard, willing his voice not to waver.

Yamaguchi was silent for a moment, watching him. He slowly put a chip in his mouth and crunched it. If Kei wasn't so focused on the conversation, he may have laughed at the combination of Yamaguchi's intense gaze and the slow eating of the chip.

"You would tell me if something big happened, though. Right?" Yamaguchi was still munching on his chip, chewing while watching Kei calculatingly. His voice almost sounded hesitant, though, and Kei immediately felt guilty. Why was he even keeping it a secret?

"Yes." I'm lying to you.

Yamaguchi's face brightened at Kei's word, the smile from earlier coming right back. "You're right! I should trust you more, Tsukki!"

No you shouldn't. "And here I thought we were friends!"

Yamaguchi laughed at that, but then Kei saw the exact moment where Yamaguchi's eyes focused on something far away, twinkling with joy. "Oh my god, Tsukki... Hinata's face when he asked me out was soo adorable!" he gushed, "You wouldn't believe how red he was! I didn't know it was physically possible! His face was more red than his hair! Ugh he's so cute, Tsukki. Maybe he'll let me send you a picture of him... It might be kinda awkward to ask though. UGH. I am going to die! I want to go out with him right now! Too bad he lives so far away. We live nearly on opposite sides of the city, and it really makes hanging out with him difficult. That's okay, though! If this first date goes well, we'll make it work!"

Kei cracked a smile at Yamaguchi's excited rambling. He really did deserve this. Yamaguchi was one of the most interesting people he had ever met. No matter how tentative their friendship was at the beginning, he was proud now to call Yamaguchi his best friend.

"Oh my god, sorry, Tsukki! I am totally just not letting you talk now, aren't I?" Yamaguchi smiled sheepishly, covering his mouth.

"It's alright. I like to hear you talk when you're this excited," Kei assured him, covering his smile with a palm.

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes. "Ugh. You're so embarrassing, Tsukki."

Kei rolled his eyes right back. "I'm proud of you! My shy, unloved son is finally finding his special someone."

"You're embarrassing me, Tsukki! Oh my god what am I going to do with you?!" Yamaguchi shrieked.

Kei winced. "Headphones, Yamaguchi."

"You deserved that one," Yamaguchi muttered.

"Yeah, whatever. I'll save the teasing for when we're face to face so that you can't use deadly noise levels to win arguments." Yamaguchi huffed, but Kei could see the amused glint in his eye.

Suddenly a door behind Yamaguchi opened, and his eyes became comically large before the screen went black.

Call ended.

Message from: Yamagücci time: 7:53pm

Sorry my dad walked in without knocking.

I would have gotten in huge trouble if

he had seen you.

Message to: Yamagücci time: 7:53pm

No worries. I need to do hw anyway.

Talk to you later.

Message from: Yamagücci time: 7:56pm

Goodnight!

Message to: Yamagücci time: 7:59pm

And good luck with your date.

Message from: Yamagücci time: 8:19pm

Thanks! (/)


Kei swore, cursing the butterflies in his stomach as he scanned the small crowd in the park for his boyfriend. He found Kuroo standing by a billboard, squinting and reading some small poster tacked up to it. He approached silently from behind, and when Kuroo hummed thoughtfully to himself, he claimed his chance, reaching out his hands and tazing him violently.

Kuroo yelped out with a choked laugh, spinning around forming a fighting stance before Kei even had the chance to process it.

Kuroo's eyes widened when he saw it was Kei and he relaxed before laughing, hard. "Oh my god, I thought I was about to be the protagonist of an action movie! Jeez, you scared me, Tsukki!"

Kei just smirked. "Scare easily, do you?"

Kuroo wrapped an arm around his shoulder, starting their walking in the direction of the museum on the south side of the park. "You're such a cutie."

"Shut the actual fuck up. I'll ditch you here," Kei grumbled, knowing there was no real bite to his words. Even if it was embarrassing, to his horror he was beginning to realize he liked being complimented by Kuroo like that.

Kuroo pulled away from him, his smile never wavering. "Now that wouldn't be much fun, would it?"

Kuroo knew that Kei was pretty uncomfortable with PDA, and to his relief he respected that. Although he sometimes kept casual touches lingering a little longer than normal, Kuroo recognized that Kei didn't want people to read too much into their relationship, and he followed Kei's rules, no questions asked. It was one of the many things about Kuroo that made Kei feel so lucky, and sometimes a little inadequate.

Soon, they entered the museum, which was surprisingly busy, bustling with people from all walks of life. Although mostly comprised of families with young children, there were also some elderly couples meandering about and even the occasional college student.

Kuroo bumped their shoulders together as they approached the big museum map in the middle of the hall. "I still can't believe this is your thing. I mean, yeah, you wear glasses, and you like history class... but wow."

Kei just pushed up his glasses and sniffed haughtily, a little embarrassed.

Kuroo laughed. "Don't worry, babe, it's cute."

Kei felt his face slowly fill with heat at the nickname, and that just made Kuroo laugh more. He wouldn't bother to protest, at this point. He was doomed to be red for this entire date, and he had accepted it. He kinda liked the nickname, anyway.

Instead of responding, he scanned the list of activities and rooms the museum had open today, and felt himself internally glow.

There was a whole room devoted to dinosaurs, and two whole exhibits devoted to evolution.

Kuroo tapped his shoulder and pointed to a billboard above their heads. "Tsukki, look. They have some documentary going on about dinosaurs every twenty minutes. We should go watch it!"

Kei nodded immediately. "Yeah. Let's go."

He grabbed Kuroo's wrist and started dragging him in the direction of the arrow on the billboard, walking quickly. At second thought, he dropped Kuroo's wrist, cursing himself at his own carelessness. He saw Kuroo gazing at him fondly from the corner of his eye, but he ignored that, huffing a small breath in faux annoyance, even while he began to power walk when he caught sight of the sign for the movie down the hallway.


They ended up having to wait 15 minutes for the next screening, but when they finally were let in, Kei reasoned that it was all worth it. They chose seats in the middle of the room that had the best view since there were only a few other people in the room, and they put their 3D glasses on as the previews began to play. This was such a good day, it only roused minimal grumbling from Kei at having to wear two layers of glasses.

Halfway through the previews, Kuroo's hand crept on top of Kei's, the skin sending a jolt through them both. They avoided eye contact even as their hands tightened around eachother. The movie started in the next few minutes, and Kei was all too happy to see his second love (after cleanliness) be represented in a factual way. The deep voiced narrator described the outline of dinosaurs' existence, and how alligators and crocodiles were some of the few species left that resemble dinosaurs.

It was about five minutes into the movie when Kei stiffened up and slowly turned toward Kuroo, shock and betrayal in his eyes. Kuroo raises an eyebrow questioningly, concern in his eyes. Kei just shook his head quickly, shutting down Kuroo's worry.

Instead, he leaned in closer to begin whisper-yelling in Kuroo's ear. "The narrator just insinuated that all the dinosaurs died at the same time from the same cause. That is so untrue it's outrageous, and I can't believe a museum of all places would be misrepresenting history. Especially dinosaurs."

Somebody in the back of the theater shushed him, but Kei just shook his head and glared absently behind him before turning back around.

Kuroo stared at Kei for a moment. "You sure know a lot about dinosaurs, don't you? Do you want to be a dinosaur scientist when you grow up?" he whispered.

Kei rolled his eyes in exasperation and leaned in closer. "It's called a paleontologist."

Kuroo grinned, and suddenly his hand was on Kei's shoulder, and then they were being pushed closer together, and their faces were inches away, looking into each other's eyes. It was the first time Kei was really seeing his eyes. From far away, the iris was so small that his eyes looked black, but close up he saw that there was a small ring of rich, chocolate brown around his pupil. It was so warm. Just like Kuroo.

And then that split second where Kei really saw Kuroo's eyes for the first time ended, and Kuroo closed the remaining distance between them, his eyes drifting shut gently. His eyes stayed wide open for a moment, before he closed them and leaned in to Kuroo's lips. They were surprisingly soft. And warm, again.

At that moment, the lingering sounds of that deep narrator voice and dinosaur screeches faded from his ears and the only sound that remained was his heart thumping in his ears. He brought his hands up to rest behind Kuroo's neck, his fingers combing through the fluff there, and when Kuroo began to move his lips, he followed. He had no idea what he was doing. He wondered if Kuroo noticed. Then he wondered if Kuroo knew what he was doing.

He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind as Kuroo let his hand fall from his shoulder to his waist. It was oddly intimate, and Kei moved to push their bodies closer, but a hard piece of plastic stood in his way.

He pulled away, and looked down to see what was between them. Kuroo was panting lightly next to him, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Realization dawned on him, and his stomach dropped to his feet.

"Oh my god. What are we doing?" He was hysterical, his voice hoarse. He needed to run, get away, leave all the people who were probably staring at them in disgust and clear his head. Yet, he was frozen to his seat.

Kuroo seemed to realize something was wrong, and he pulled his hands from Kei's waist, his gaze searching. "Is something wrong, Kei?"

Kei didn't respond. His mind was racing and his heart was going to beat out of his chest, his chest heaving with every breath.

Kuroo stared for a moment more before he was grabbing Kei's wrist, pulling them down the dark aisle of the movie room, and into a nearby bathroom.

He was vaguely aware of a few guys staring at them from their places at the urinal, but Kuroo turned away from them and pushed him into a toilet stall, locking the door behind them.

Kei stumbled for a moment before plopping down onto the toilet. Only later would he look back on this and be glad that the seat was already down.

Kuroo was leaning over him, rubbing his back soothingly, and staring at him with wide, alarmed eyes. "Kei. Answer me. Are you alright?"

He just buried his face in his hands, willing his tears to stay down. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out like that." Even as he spoke, his voice was shaking and his fingers trembling. He needed to swallow but there was a lump in his throat that was swelling.

"Don't apologize! Did I do something wrong? What happened?" Kei could hear the panic in Kuroo's voice and wanted to scream at himself.

Kei forced himself to look up at Kuroo. What he saw pained him. Kuroo was pale, his mouth twisted into a frown and he looked upset. "It's not like that. I told you. I just kinda... forgot where we-" To his embarrassment, he hiccupped loudly. "were."

Kuroo hesitated. "What was wrong with where we were?"

Kei couldn't hold eye contact any longer. "Nothing. I just suck as a boyfriend, apparently. I'm not really comfortable with all that. I don't like... people seeing, I guess. I'm okay with the kissing though. More than okay with it." He hiccupped again, and sniffed.

Kuroo smiled sadly at him, and ran a soft hand over Kei's hair, and he couldn't help but lean into his hand. He knew he was being pathetic and needy. But he didn't know what to say to let Kuroo know that this wasn't normal for him, and that he wouldn't always be like this. Because deep down in his mind, he knew that wasn't true.

He stood up, not liking the vulnerability of Kuroo towering over him like that, and Kuroo took a step back only to hit the door of the stall. They were so close that once again Kei could see Kuroo's pretty brown eyes. He felt Kuroo's breath hitting his cheek, hot and damp.

Just like that time in the basement. They had been close together then, too. Jirou had pulled him up by his shoulders, and that breath had hit his neck, hot and damp and making their close proximity even more stifling.

Kuroo reached up to touch Kei's face, but all Kei could think was 'Jirou' and 'bad' and 'betrayal' and he batted the hand away instinctively.

Kuroo's pained face was like a punch in the gut. He could feel nothing but shame. Jirou, even now, 8 years later, was casting his shadow on every aspect of Kei's life that he wanted to cherish. At this rate, Kuroo was going to realize how hopeless he was and break up with him. And then he would be all alone again.

He used to crave the feeling of solitude. How come now that word pained him so much?

"I'm sorry, Kuroo. I promise it's not you. It's just... I'm sorry." Kei's voice was shaking, and clasped his hand with Kuroo's for a long moment, staring into Kuroo's eyes longingly, as if asking for Kuroo to take away those memories. Kuroo just looked back, confused and upset, and when Kei pushed away and left the stall, he made no effort to stop him.


"What are we doing?" I whispered to him, a bit excited.

He raised an index finger to his lips with a mischievous glint in his eye. "You're not allowed to tell anyone, okay? This is going to be a secret between just the two of us."

I nodded, my heart pounding in anticipation. Whatever game he wanted to play, nobody else would see. The tacky green material covering the couch flapped over the wide space underneath like a little blind, and it gave an exciting mysterious mood. Like we were undercover. And my brother would die to know what we were doing later and I would tease him with it but I wouldn't tell. My brother would get mad but for once I would have the upperhand, so I wouldn't give up the secret.

The teen's hand skimmed over my waist and to the buckle of my pants, pinching at it. "Ugh." He muttered as he struggled. "Hey, can you unbutton your pants for me?" I could hear a hint of impatience in his voice, so I rushed to comply.

A little uncertainty nagged at my gut. But only for a moment. What could possibly be wrong with this? Mommy never told me this was bad, so I shrugged away the feeling. I unbuttoned the jean shorts and he quickly pushed them down, then reached a hand into my underwear.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my voice high.

He ignored my question, groping at my privates. "Does this feel good?" He grunted.

I thought for a moment. I had done this to myself before in private, but I had never thought of anyone else doing it for me. "Yeah, I guess it does." I mused. And it did, a little bit, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that something here was weird.

He continued to knead into me, to the point where it didn't feel good anymore. He was squeezing too hard and it was a bother. Boredom was already beginning to set in, although I didn't know how long he had been at this.

"Hey, let's go to a different room." He suggested. I didn't want to. I knew that much. I just wanted to rejoin my brother and his friends playing that game that I loved, and I didn't know how much longer I could take this.


Kuroo sat in the bathroom stall, staring at the floor. His hands were gripping his crazy hair. He had watched as Tsukki fled from him, pale faced and frightened. Guilt was coursing through his veins like poison, slowing him down and making every thought slide slowly through his brain, taunting him.

'You forced yourself on him.' 'You are insensitive.' 'He doesn't deserve an idiot like you.'

He shook his head, forcing a shaky grin onto his face. Negative thinking wasn't going to fix this situation. He needed to ask Tsukki what he did wrong after he calmed down, and then he would figure out how to not let it happen again. They could get through this together.

He picked up his phone to call Tsukki, but then decided against it. He would give Tsukki a little time, first.


Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if you did let me know why :)
I got my dino facts from the Smithsonian website (which I can't link b/c this website doesn't like URLS.

Sorry for that ending on Valentines day :(

I was just employed somewhere, and they required us to take an online educational course on child sexual abuse, and it was so eye opening for me to see all the facts layed out there. Also, I realized that a lot of the side effects that were listed on there are things that ring true for me, and it was a little shocking to see that so many aspects of my personality may stem from what happened. Since Tsukki is in some ways a textbook example of how assaulted children act, I may delve into that a little bit with Tsukki, further in. It was eye-opening, it was disturbing, and in some ways it was very reassuring to see that I'm not alone in being emotional and irritable and untrusting, towards my dad especially. Like.. that's a normal thing. Anyway, just wanted to put that out there, if any of you have been through similar things and want to share their take on this, feel free in the comments.

my tumblr url is haikiuyu