DISCLAIMER: THE BOOK BELONGS TO J. I HAVE ONLY BORROWED BOTH CHARACTERS AND PLOTLINE.


Warning: Suicidal Intent in this chapter. Do not continue reading if you're squeamish, thank you.

Snape

1978, Platform 9 and ¾.


"Sev!" Lily came running over to where I was standing alone on the platform nine and three quarters. "I heard about your parents and that it was Vold…"

"Don't…don't speak his name!" I hissed at her angrily.

"Sev?"

"We aren't friends anymore Lily" my voice was coming from a place I had no control over but I'd told myself that this act was very necessary. If Lily was to be kept safe I had no other choice but to push her away from me, even if it ripped me into shreds.

"Did something happen to you?" She stepped closer to me, invading my personal space with her usual lack of tact but I hardened myself against her wonderful presence and continued in a soulless manner "Potter not keeping you on his leash anymore? Gotten a bit soft has he? Does he know that his girlfriend's here consorting with the bloody enemy?"

"What's gotten into you then?" She snapped when I'd gone one step too far.

"Stay the fuck away from mudblood!" I had cried for three days after the dark mark had appeared on my arm and at the end of it I was left so utterly drained of all emotion, that I was surprised by the sudden feeling of self-revulsion swamping me. Coward! I screamed at myself. You're nothing but a bloody, spineless coward Severus Snape!

"So they've finally gotten to you is it? Mulciber must be celebrating his victory at winning such a prize!" she spat in derision.

"Yes" I smiled meanly at her "And I was standing right beside him during the party."

"I give up Sev" the fight in her died a physical death and it was so lonely to watch it but I told myself over and over again that it was for her sake.

She walked away from me then and I whispered an inaudible "Goodbye" at her retreating back wondering if I would ever find another whom I could love as much as I'd come to love her!

It was a blessing that I hadn't yet received any summons from the Dark Lord but nevertheless I continued to live in constant fear. The only other noteworthy thing that had happened to me over the summer holidays after his visit had been my finding a stunning time turner which unfortunately bore a tiny crack in it making it terribly dangerous to use. But it was so beautiful and for some strange reason I felt somehow so connected to it like Déjà vu or something so I had ended up picking it off the floor and placing it amongst my very limited number of possessions.

'Everything's changed' I thought as I boarded the Hogwarts Express 'I still have three more months until school lets out but now I truly have nowhere to go.


Snape

1978, Hogwarts, 2 and ½ months to NEWTS.


It came, my first summons, in the dead of night two and half months before the NEWTS and as I clutched my arm reflexively at the stinging pain from the terrible reminder, I stumbled out of my bed and nearly ran towards the fireplace in the common room to receive the first of many orders.

A single parchment fell to the floor bearing the words 'Polyjuice Potion' on it and before I could fully assimilate the implications of it, it burst into flames and disappeared from my sight!

The next day, Mulciber dropped a huge parcel on my lap during breakfast and then smiling knowingly at me, which only incited my anger even more; I carried the package up to my room and opened its wrapping to reveal all the necessary ingredients required to make the illegal potion.

On some detached level I was even excited at the prospect of trying my hand at out at making a potion whose ingredients I would never have been able to afford on my own but on the other hand I felt a sick twisted sensation in my gut when I thought about the many uses the Dark Lord would find for it.

I was no optimist and knew full well that the blasted thing would only be used for evil but I had no way out of making it unless I chose to die which I didn't find the courage to do, so I went ahead and began the tedious process of making the most perfect Polyjuice Potion that I could manage.

Soon more and more summons came in with easier potions to brew and as I readied them one by one I would hand them over to Mulciber or Avery who became the unofficial go inbetween's until I read the headlines of the Daily Prophet one month away from the Newts.

Three separate explosions during rush hour in three very prime muggle locations, killing nearly fifty people and injuring over a hundred! The part that left me retching in bathroom for over an hour until I saw blood mixed with the acidic bile however, was the fact that three discarded vials containing a highly potent exploding potion had been found at all three sites of the explosions and every single one of them had been brewed by me!

That was the first time I started my routine of consuming draughts of Peace and Sleeping Draughts as I kept seeing the scarred faces of the victims over and over in my mind. I could feel my mind slowly coming apart and knew that if I did not help myself, I was going to end up in the crazy ward in Mungo's as I was too overcome by the guilt, the horror and depression. So I began to master the art of occlumency along with the rest of my studies so that I could finally find a place in my mind where I could recede in peace without anyone else invading the privacy.


Snape

1978, Hogwarts, Sometime after.


"Yo Snivellus!" I heard the obnoxious voice of Sirius Black call out to me "You gotten greasier since the holidays then?"

"Siri stop it!" James chastised his best mate before shooting an apologetic look my way making me gag in utter shock. "He doesn't know about what happened to you during the hols so just let it go this time alright?" He told me soothingly like we were friends or something!

"What on earth are you talking about?" Sirius was looking at James with a look that seemed very similar to my own.

"His parent di…"

"Expelliarmus" I cried automatically to stop the words from being spoken in such a callous manner and by a boy who'd made my life a living hell and proceeded to watch with some satisfaction as Black's wand flew out of his hands to fall several feet away from the two of them.

"Wha…? Get the f*** back here!" Black came at me furiously which was exactly what I wanted in that moment, a place to vent all my frustrations on.

"Mimble wimble" I let the wordless magic do its job and I nearly started hooting with laughter when the stupid mutt struggled to form the simplest of words with his twisted tongue.

"Impedimenta" James finally joined in the fray in defense of his friend but I dodged the spell so easily that his jaw nearly hit the floor in his shock! The idiot had had no idea of what was coming to him! I had never once fought back all those times that I had been bullied by him in the past and I had let it all go unchallenged only because I had had Lily at my side then. But now, now I was like a muggle vehicle without breaks and felt was more than ready to decimate the overly smug bastards when I heard Prof. McGonagall come to the rescue of her precious Gryffindors from the opposite side room.

"Twenty points from all three of you!" She shouted in anger "I can't give you three detentions when you'll are so close to your Newts but if this incident should repeat itself, you will all be banned from ever taking the examination in the future, do you understand?"

I nodded mutely before gathering my fallen stuff and headed back towards the Slytherin tower ignoring all the many boos and hisses I received from Potter's and Black's innumerable fans.


Snape

1978, Hogsmaede, 3 week to NEWTS.


Three weeks before the Newts exam, everyone in the seventh year had had enough! The usual antics of consuming brain enhancing potions and chewing pickled slugs for acquiring better concentration was rampant once again amongst the masses like just we'd experienced during our Owls but it seemed that there was absolutely nothing in the schools black-market to take away the frustration!

Luckily for us however Prof. Slughorn who was ever the students champion, came to our rescue when we all had reached the very ends of our tethers and he got us the permission to spend an entire day in Hogsmaede as a stress reliever after making enough number of promises to accompany us himself so as to make sure that we were safe from the dangers plaguing the outside world at the time.

Ever since my first year at Hogwarts I had noticed that the school was divided in its loyalties. It was always us Slytherins against the rest of them and during times of strife such as these we were constantly reminded of our differences. The other three houses moved in tight knit groups keeping a fixed distance from our house and the funny thing was, was that the members of the Slytherin welcomed their revulsion as they felt that they were better off without the riff raff.

I was one of the rare half-bloods to have been admitted into the house and so far I had managed to keep it a secret from the rest of the school with a few exceptions like Lucius Malfoy who'd already left school and Lily of course. It wasn't that I was ashamed of who I was. In fact I was proud of the fact that I, a mere half-blood could easily best most of the students in my class! Lily had even given me the nick-name of 'the half-blood prince' during my second year when I had started crowing over my potions results which had been the highest score that no one else had managed to achieve!

The day we'd all taken a break at hogsmaede was no different and the division in the ranks was more evident than ever.

Deciding that I needed a break from my batch-mates, I started to walk in a direction that was different from theirs when I was suddenly pushed into a dark alley by someone whose face I did not get a chance to see. In a matter of seconds I found myself petrified by my assaulter and only then did I recognize the person as none other than Sirius Black!

"No one to rescue you now, Snivellus" The dog was grinning like he'd just accomplished something great.

"What?" He sniggered "Cat got your tongue then?" He smirked when I couldn't reply to his taunting.

"This is for last time you miserable bastard!" He kicked me in my stomach and even though I couldn't feel the pain right then, I knew that it would hurt like a bitch once the spell over my person had been removed.

He kicked me hard once more and it looked like he wouldn't stop when Potter, Lily and their faithful hanger-ons, Lupin the werewolf and Peter Pettigrew the rat came running into the picture.

"Siri, stop!" James hollered pulling his friend away from me and Lily looking furiously at him strode over to where I had fallen and ended the spell bringing with it a wave of pain so strong that it made me groan involuntarily.

"What?" Black looked at all of us with that same innocence in his eyes that nearly had all the girls in school sickening after. "Snivellus was asking for it and you know it" he looked almost accusingly at Potter for taking my side.

"James" Lily's voice had gone cold "Get him out of here and give us minute will you?"

"What?" Potter protested "Leave you with him? Will you be okay?" How dare he! How dare Potter the newly reformed bully ask her that! As if I would ever hurt her, Lily, my best friend!

"Just go!" Lily bit out impatiently and I couldn't help cheering at how cutting her tone sounded.

Turning to me she spoke a few simple spells that eased the pain and lessened the bruising when she suddenly caught hold of my left arm and looked at my face with those green eyes of hers with such betrayal and disappointment in them that for a moment I wished she had not shown up at all.

"Why Sev?" She was looking at my mark with stark revulsion on her face which had become really pale. "Why did you join his side? You always said that he was an extremist and that you'd never even be tempted but now…"

"Would you believe me, if I told you that I had had no choice in the matter?" I asked her softly and she backed away from me like I was diseased, which in a way I really was.

"Are you trying to mock my intelligence?" She whispered "I knew that you've changed, but this much?"

"Lil…"

"Don't!" Lily shouted with angry tears in her eyes "We're done Snivellus! Don't ever try even talking to me again!" She stalked off in a rage leaving me propped up against the wall of the alley with a giant sized hole in my heart.

Pushing myself off of the ground I stumbled over to nearest shop that I could find so that the others wouldn't witness the utter defeat in my face. The shop turned out to be the rarely visited Hogs head pub which was a non-descript pub by hogsmaede's standards a fact I was very pleased about in that moment of despair.

Sitting down on a barstool inside, I was thoroughly lost in a field of my own thoughts when someone rapped the counter slab in front of me asking rather curtly what I wanted to have. Looking up the bartender with tired eyes I nearly fell off my stool in shock when I saw how closely the man resembled James Potter, the bane of my existence, and funnily enough he seemed to be sporting a similar look of shock on his face!

"You…you're…" he was stammering because I'd probably startled him with my sudden movement but when I looked into his eyes and saw the emerald fire in them, the same color I'd come to adore on Lily, I just ran out of the pub without a single apology!

No, I couldn't face those accusing eyes again! I just simply couldn't.

Running back into the dark alley I sank to floor and began shivering from the shock I'd just endured. Suddenly I was hit but the fact that Lily hated me and then I knew with crystal clear clarity that I couldn't go on!

I was simply too tired of it all. Everyday praying that the Dark Lord wouldn't give me a new job to do which usually ended in mass murder or reading the Daily prophet like some scared criminal which I was slowly becoming or loosing Lily and my parents and worst of all, feeling so alone and desperate that I simply had lost the urge to live.

Pulling out my wand from within the folds of my robes I thought up the word Sectusempra in my mind and watched detachedly as a deep cut appeared across my narrow wrist, severing my artery so easily causing the blood to spurt up in tiny fountain.

As I emotionlessly watched the red rivulets pour out from my self-inflicted wound I felt a blessed fatigue overcome my limbs and I sat in blissful solitude as my life slowly but surely ebbed away from me.