A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to get this up. Life's been crazy. Thank you again for your continued reviews, alerts, & favorites. I love hearing what you think about this story. I'd also like to thank Katie, for beta-ing this for me. :) Enjoy!
Also- Sara, thank you. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl or any of its characters.
Dan was right. Their little "swim" in the ocean? (Swim being the ultimate euphemism.)
It made them sick as dogs.
Their colds lasted the entire week after their vacation. They spent their days curled up in bed, blowing their noses and coughing up a storm. They had little appetite, but when they had gone too long without eating, they literally played rock-paper-scissors to see who would have to get out of bed and cook something.
Somehow, Dan always won. But Blair's helpless, hopeless, quite adorable sulk always won him over. So every time, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled into the kitchen. It was little things like that that made Blair fall in love with him all over again.
They saw and talked to no one from the outside world. They sent the occasional "we're fine" text to their friends to keep them from worrying, but the only time they spoke to someone was when they called their doctor. The twenty-minute conversation Blair made to make an appointment was enough to make her fall over in exhaustion. But she immediately felt a little better knowing they were one step closer in the process to become parents.
Finally by their appointment the following Monday they felt one hundred percent better. That morning Dan made sure to wake up before Blair. He made tea (coffee had been banished from their pantry), walked to the corner bakery to get her favorite croissants, and stopped by the flower shop to get her red roses: their wedding flower.
He got back ten minutes before she woke up. When she wandered down the stairs, she was already dressed with make-up on, looking especially beautiful.
"Do I smell roses?" she asked, nose tilted slightly in the air.
"Yes you do... and chocolate," Dan said proudly, showing her the plate of croissants.
She gave a warm smile. "Are we back in Paris?"
He smiled. "Nope. Still Brooklyn."
She wrinkled her nose. "A girl can dream."
"Hey, now. Don't go hating on Brooklyn. You are, after all, a resident now," he said, wrapping his arms around her.
She smirked. "Oh, that's right. I am," she teased, pressing her lips to his. "Good morning."
"It is," he replied, kissing her again.
"I can't believe you did this," she said, bending over to smell the roses on the table.
"Well today is a big day in our house. We're both completely new to this whole IVF process. I figured this would only make the day better. Calm your nerves," he said, handing her a cup of warm chamomile tea.
She graciously took a sip and smiled at the taste. "It does."
After their breakfast, they still had time to spare. Although they were excited, nerves hung heavy in the air. They quietly sat at the table and waited for the minutes to go by, but became impatient in a matter of seconds.
"If we leave now, will we be obnoxiously early?" Blair asked, hoping the answer was no.
"Nope," Dan said quickly, knowing the answer was yes.
They were in the city in no time at all and after waiting ten minutes, were brought back to Doctor Pearson's office. The doctor gestured to the two chairs and Blair and Dan sat down.
"I'm glad you came in," he said, sitting down in the chair behind his desk. "How are you both doing?"
Dan reached for Blair's hand and laced their fingers together. "We're..."
"Good," Blair finished. "I had a little meltdown of sorts last week after your call, but I'm okay now." Dan gave her a comforting smile and squeezed her hand.
"Again, I'm sorry the results weren't what you'd hoped. News like that is difficult to hear. You're lucky you have an amazing support system like Daniel here."
Blair smiled and gave a nod. "I know." She looked at Dan and felt herself getting emotional. "He's the best."
"Well," Doctor Pearson said in a more upbeat voice, "At least we have a solution. Which is why you're here today, correct?"
Dan nodded. "Yes. We would like to do IVF, and we were hoping you could go through the process with us."
"Of course. Like I said last week, Blair's uterus and eggs are in perfect condition. I really believe this is your best option for success." He gave a positive smile.
Blair let out a sigh of relief. Even though Dan told her last week, she was too numb to hear it from the doctor himself. Hearing him say the words again made her relax a little.
"Okay kids. It's not an easy thing to go through. I'm not saying this to scare you; I'm just being honest. Blair, at times it will be uncomfortable, painful, and just plain exhausting. But it will be more than worth it in the end." He gathered up some papers on his desk and organized his notes. "Alright, so let's go through the Humphrey IVF schedule."
And so they went through it. Blair just about melted when she saw Dan quickly take out his little writer's notepad to take notes. Even though they would be leaving with massive amounts of paperwork with all of the information, he still scribbled down important medical terms, drug names, the best way to give Blair hormone shots, and so on and so forth.
Hearing the doctor talk through exactly what she would have to do was a little overwhelming. She would have to take birth control (which seemed like an oxymoron), receive hormone shots, and take some medications. The whole process would take around a month total, the last week consisting of an egg retrieval, and then the transfer itself. Blair and Dan left feeling anxious and ready. They decided to start immediately.
::
After two weeks of taking birth control, which Blair deemed as so "high school," they moved onto the hard part: hormone shots.
"Okay Blair. Ready?" Dan asked, holding up the needle. Once Blair saw it, she broke down.
"Yes. No." Blair sniffled. "Yes."
Dan gave an empathetic smile and sat down beside her. "I know this is hard. And I'm so sorry you have to go through everything. I love you so much for it and I'm so proud of you. But I promise to try and do it as quick and painless as possible. Okay?"
Blair wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve, nodding. After taking a deep breath, she said, "Okay." She gave a watery smile. "And I love you too."
Blair watched him move towards her hip and gasped. Not in pain, but in shock. Something freezing cold was pressed against her. "What is that?"
Dan chuckled. "Ice. I thought it would be helpful if I numbed the area for a minute."
Blair leaned over and softly pressed her lips to his. "Thank you."
After a minute of icing her waist, Dan picked up the needle. "Okay. On the count of three...one, two, three-"
Tears fell down Blair's cheeks as she felt the prick of the needle. The ice had helped soothe the skin some, but she still felt the burn. Even after Dan pulled the needle out of her skin, the pain continued tugging at her side.
"Done," Dan announced, placing the used shot on the table.
Blair took another deep breath, wiped her tears away, and forced a smile onto her face. "That was pretty impressive Humphrey."
Dan shrugged. "What can I tell ya? I'm a professional."
Blair laughed at that, thankful for a husband who could bring a smile to her face, even in their hardest hour. "Well, only eleven more to go."
"By the end of the week, I'll be doing it with my eyes closed," he said, continuing the joke.
Blair narrowed her eyes. "No you won't, because you're sticking a needle in my side. And if you even dare close your eyes, that needle will be going into yours."
"Kidding, kidding," he said, holding up his hands in defense, a sly grin on his face all the while.
He stood up to throw away the used shot and put the hormone bottles away. Blair watched from the couch as he diligently screwed the lids on tight and wrapped the needle in something that would hide it in the trash.
Only eleven more. Only eleven more. Only eleven more.
::
The following morning, Dan was craving pancakes, and by some preposterous reason, they were out of the ingredients. Blair simply rolled her eyes when she agreed to going to the diner (yes, diner) down the street.
They were about to walk out the door when Dan's phone rang. "Hello?"
Blair mouthed, Who is it?
"Oh hey, Lindsey," Dan answered, walking back into the house.
Blair waited to roll her eyes once he was out of sight. Expecting the conversation would be short, she continued the walk to the car and got in. However, twenty minutes later, Dan was still inside. Once she opened the car door to get him, he walked out.
She gave him her perfected death stare once he got in the car.
He saw it and just replied with, "Yeah, and I have a feeling you won't be too happy with what I'm about to tell you either."
"Does it have anything to do with Lindsey?" she bit out.
He furrowed his brow. "Uh, sort of."
Blair sighed. He was still so unaware of her feelings towards Lindsey. "What did she want?"
He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the headrest. "She told me I have to go to a writer's conference in San Francisco."
Not expecting that, and frankly, feeling somewhat relieved, she replied, "Oh. Well that will be great."
He shook his head. "It's this weekend."
And there it is.
"This weekend?" she repeated, hoping she heard him wrong. "Do you have to go?"
He gripped the steering wheel in frustration. "Yeah, I do. That's why I was in there so long. I was fighting with her about it."
She rested her hand on his shoulder. "Dan, you know I support you in everything you do. Especially when it comes to this book. But you going to San Francisco is not okay. You have to give me my shots. I can't do it myself!"
"Blair, I swear I tried everything to get out of it. But did you want me to tell her the real reason I couldn't go?"
"No!" Blair said immediately. "Do not tell anyone. Especially Lindsey." She closed her eyes to hide the tears threatening to spill over. After a minute of silence, with a quavering voice, she said, "And you have to go?"
She felt him take her hand in his, prompting the tears to finally fall. "Yeah, I do. It's press for the book I can't miss."
Blair took a deep breath, hating how it it came out staccato, giving away how upset she really was. Her emotions lately had been so out of control, she felt foreign in her own body.
"I'm really sorry, Blair."
A small smile came upon her face and she opened her eyes to look at him. "It's okay. I know it's not your fault."
"So, you feel comfortable doing the shots on your own?" he asked quietly, wondering if they should continue this conversation later.
She shook her head. "No. I'll ask Vanessa."
"You sure?"
"Yeah," she promised. "Come on, let's go get pancakes."
::
The next four days, she spent every moment with Dan. It was the first time since they were married that they would be apart, and although in reality it wasn't long, she still hated the thought of it.
After a tearful goodbye Friday morning, Blair settle down and picked up the phone to call Vanessa. Part of her was hoping she wouldn't pick up, but when she did, she was instantly glad.
"Hey Vanessa, it's Blair."
"Hey B! What's up?" she said cheerfully, making Blair instantly regret the gloomy request she was about to ask.
"Would you mind coming over? I have to talk to you about something."
"Uh, sure. What time?" she asked.
"An hour?"
"Sounds good," Vanessa replied. "Leo and I will see you there!"
Blair opened her mouth to reply, but hesitated. "Actually, would it be a huge deal if you came without him?" Then, immediately feeling bad about her request, she added, "I'm sorry. It's fine. You would have to get a babysitter."
Hearing a hint of something in Blair's voice, Vanessa said, "No...it's fine. James can watch him. Is everything okay?"
"Yes, everything's fine." Blair instantly regretted saying this - this automatic answer she used so frequently - and nearly broke down and told her the truth right then and there.
"Okay. I'll see you soon."
An hour later, Blair opened the front door to greet Vanessa. Wringing her hands together, Blair led her into the living room and sat down on the couch. Vanessa immediately saw something was wrong. Her friend looked worn thin, her eyes glazed with a sadness not seen in years.
"Blair, what's wrong?"
Breathe Blair. "I need to tell you something," she said, inwardly scolding her breaking voice.
Vanessa took her hand. "Okay."
A tear made its way slowly down Blair's cheek. She wiped it away with her free hand. "I'm sorry I asked you to come by yourself."
Recognizing she was stalling, Vanessa brushed, "Blair, it's fine. What's wrong?"
"I just β these past few weeks have been really hard. And having Leo here today would have been really difficult, andβ"
"Jesus, Blair. Has Dan's rambling rubbed off on you?" she lightly joked.
"I can't get pregnant."
Saying that nearly knocked the wind out of her. That sentence made everything official. Made her want to scream, cry, give up, keep fighting, feel weak, be strong. Every emotion was thrust into that one fact, and it weighed her down heavy.
"Oh my gosh... I had no idea. Are you okay?"
Still stuck in her daze, Blair continued, "Imagine wanting something so bad - something you never knew you wanted. Something that will make you feel like you have a reason to be living. A thing that forever connects you to the one person you love more than anything in the entire world. And then imagine that being taken away from you. Taken away from you, because of you." She was sobbing at this point. Embarrassed by her break down, embarrassed by her broken body, embarrassed by the whole situation. It was all exhausting.
"Blair, I'm so sorry." Vanessa wiped away a tear before it fell, wanting to be the stronger of the two.
Blair calmed down a bit, feeling relief in getting it off her chest and talking out loud about it; the secrecy had been eating away at her. She watched Vanessa get up and gave a small smile a moment later when she came back with tissues. Wiping her eyes, she said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize I'd be such a mess."
Vanessa shook her head. "Blair, you don't have to apologize. I feel like I should be the one apologizing. I was so wrapped up in Leo, I was oblivious." She paused for a second, lost in thought. "Oh my gosh. I dragged you to a baby store. I made you and Dan babysit..." She turned to Blair, open-mouthed and apologetic. "I'm so sorry I put you through that."
Blair managed a light chuckle. "Stop! It was my choice to do all of that."
Vanessa brought a hand to her forehead. "I still feel terrible."
"It's really okay," Blair reassured before releasing an involuntary sigh. "But, there's something I need you to help me with."
"Anything."
"I need you to give me a hormone shot." Blair watched as a look of shock spread across Vanessa's face.
Clarifying, Vanessa repeated, "You... need me to give you a shot?"
Blair nodded. "That's the silver lining in this whole ordeal. We can't get pregnant on our own, but with the help of IVF... we can." Blair let herself smile for that fact.
"Oh!" Vanessa gave a hesitant smile too. "That's great!"
"Yeah, it is. But it's a really difficult process." She sighed, "But it will be worth it in the end."
Vanessa squeezed her hand again. "I know first-hand that it will. I promise Blair, you and Dan are going to be the best parents. You know I would only leave Leo with you guys." She gave a comforting smile. "Now, tell me how to do that shot."
And so for the next three days, Vanessa took over for Dan. Blair was immensely grateful when she continued to show up without Leo. It was moments like that where Blair couldn't believe how mean she was to Vanessa all those years ago. Time really did change people. (And she could say that for the both of them.)
The pain of the needle dulled each time, but it still tugged deep within Blair. She couldn't wait for her husband to be home; she swore it hurt less when he did it.
::
"Blair?" Dan called as he walked in the front door. The silent response immediately revealed where she was.
Minutes later he walked onto the rooftop. She was sitting in one of the chairs, red wine cradled in her hands and her camera beside her. She was faced towards Manhattan, as if she was looking towards a simpler time; when things were tough but conquerable. He stood there, thankful for his unknown presence, and watched as the fiery rays of the sunset glowed over her. His absence and its effect on her hit him right then. Regret filled him to the brim, and he couldn't believe he had left her. Yes, it was only three days, and of crucial importance to his career. But being here β right now at this moment in their lives β was more important than anything and everything.
The wind blew the door shut, and Blair turned towards the sound. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back when she saw him standing there. Slowly, she heard his footsteps venture towards her. She felt a shadow come over her face and his lips on hers a moment later. Dan took the wine glass out of her hands and placed it on the table before pulling her up. After wrapping his arms around her, he kissed every part of her face before just setting on embracing her. Blair buried her head in the crook of his neck and relaxed in his arms. "I'm glad your home," she whispered, meaning every word.
"I love you," was all he said back. "I love you so much."
"Good," she said pulling away. "I thought those three days away from me would show you what you could have." She gave a playful smirk.
He chuckled deeply and pulled her close again. "No, it did just the opposite." He kissed her temple and they sat down in the chairs again.
"Are you hungry? Did you eat on the flight?" she asked, missing no beat in jumping right back into their domestic roles.
He held up a hand. "No, I'm fine. I just want to sit here with you and watch the sunset."
"Okay," she said resting her head back. She watched as he moved his chair closer to her, taking her hand and kissing it as he sat down. As he looked towards the lowering sun, Blair studied him, every inch of his face, and felt solace in knowing nothing changed about him at all.
"Did Vanessa give you the shots?" he asked turning to her, and snapping her out of thought.
"Yeah, she did." She closed her eyes again, willing away the emotion that came with those words. After opening them, she continued, "But can we not talk about that right now? Like you said, I just want to sit here and watch the sunset with you."
"Okay," he said without thought, kissing her hand once again. And so they sat and watched the sunset, reveling in the small break from the hurdles they were slowly crossing.
A/N: Thoughts?
