The next morning would be the midwifes final visit to see how Vika had grown over the past two months. It was also her last day before giving Vika to the Chantry then taking ship back to Kirkwall. She stayed up almost all night making sure not one inch of Vika's skin was untouched by kisses. She changed the last couple of dirty nappys and she nursed Vika until the girl was bursting. Meredith had dozed off when the midwife knocked on the door.

"Come in." she grunted rubbing her eyes

"Is she not sleeping?"

"Oh no she sleeps, I don't" Vika had awoke and grabbed a lock of Meredith's hair and began yanking excitedly.

"You shouldn't hold her too much it'll spoil her."

"I don't care, in a few hours it won't be my problem anymore."

"Are you giving her to the Chantry?"

"Yes it isn't feasible for me to bring her home with me."

"May I ask why?" Meredith sighed.

"Her father and I.. we aren't allowed to be together. She doesn't look like him so no one would know he is her father but in my position I couldn't home with a bastard."

"Are you a Templar?" the midwife asked digging in her bag.

"Why do you ask?"

"My husband used to be a Templar. There is a certain piousness to you all."

"Would you..." Meredith started surprising herself a little." Would you take her?" The midwife sighed and shook her head. "You said you only have one did you want more."

"We can't afford another child especially a baby."

"I have gold, a far amount."

"I'm just done raising children my husband is too old to be a father again" she avoided looking Meredith in the eye. Meredith was disappointed but she knew that if her husband was an ex-Templar he was either indisposed or had an expensive lyrium habit.

"Hand over the little bean pole I'll give her a once over." Meredith dreaded her being taken from her arms for even a short time. "She's put on a lot of weight, that's great. She was so tiny when she was born, her arms and legs are still so skinny, does she have any elf blood?" Meredith nodded not wanting to go into detail. "Does she lift her head? Smile?" She nodded again. "Are your hips still sore?

"Aching just a little bit."

"That's normal. You may have noticed but your hips get noticeably wider after you give birth. You have a bigger frame so it will be less noticeable." Vika started to whine interrupting the midwife. "Hey little bean pole everything will be okay, huh "she rubbed her belly and pushed the tiny fist toward her mouth "Suck your thumb like a normal baby now."

"I'll give you your blankets and swaddling clothes back" Meredith said breaking silence. "I won't need them and you could give them to someone else."

"Keep that yellow blanket." the midwife said "She's such a pretty little girl. I've seen a lot of babies. It'll make it easier for her to find a home." Meredith held out a hand to the midwife who grabbed it awkwardly in a reluctant handshake.

"Thank you for your services, you have been an endless help."

"Next time you're in town be it on Templar business, pleasure, or carrying a second bastard, you must visit me." Meredith scoffed

"It will be the first if at all."

"Good bye Ser." she midwife said leaving the cottage.

"I am going to miss you forever." Meredith whispered to Vika with an apple sized lump in her throat. A young lay sister stood by as she said her final goodbye.

"You, girl" the lay sisters eyebrows raised "You are to give this to whomever takes the girl" she handed her a bag of golf "I will know if you pocket it." the sister swallowed hard.

"Yes, ma'am"

"You're also to send her birth certificate to the Chantry in Kirkwall once she is adopted." the sister nodded again. "Good" she said curtly turning her back to her lifting Vika's face to her own and held her so tightly the girl began to squirm from discomfort."I love you. I'll see you again, I know it." she rasped. She kissed her big cheek and she began to moan.

"Goodbye my girl" she said voice breaking. She thrust her into the arms of the lay sister not looking her in the eye, she turned and left towards the docks.

In her cabin on the ship home Meredith locked the door and dropped onto the lumpy bed. She rubbed her eye and tears began to form. She allowed herself to cry she hadn't cried in more then ten years.

"No one has died" she muttered to herself "She is very much alive and has her whole life ahead of her." She became very aware of the ache in her hips, her breasts were still swollen and leaked slightly. "I'm a commander not a mother." she told herself rubbing her eyes.

It took several days to return to Kirkwall. She dragged her trunk to the Gallows and noticed there were several unmanned posts.

"Boy" she snapped at a recruit guarding the door "Where is everyone?"

"I don't know Commander, everything's been all amiss since you left. I'm so glad you're back."

"Garin!" She shouted stomping down the hallway to her office "GARIN" she threw open the door and the place was a mess piles of paperwork nearly a foot high. She felt the rage building up."Macaron!" she shrieked. She heard the old man shuffle across the hall.

"Where is Garin?"

"He quit in the new year." he rasped "Risa has been bed bound with some sort of illness the past month and I'm not permitted to choose a substitute." she vibrated in rage "We sent letters to Amaranthine but got nothing back."

She shooed him away and gave her trunk to a nearby knight and had them drag it to her quarters. She sat back in her back and sighed. She then heard a knock at the door.

"What?" she snapped. Orsino slid open the door and slipped inside.

"I heard screaming I figured you were back." He wrapped his arms around her tightly. "I've missed you, so much. Did everything go...well." he hesitated.

"I was resting and getting myself back into shape and I'm here, healthy." he sighed as her slipped his gloved hand into the slits of her shirt and slid his smooth fingers up to her breasts tracing her nipple through her breast band.

"Not right now." she said pulling his hand out agitated. "For the love of the Maker, you're like a bloody school boy" he stood there big eyed with a puppy face. She turned to look at him. He was even greyer and exhausted looking "Stop standing there like a scolded child and help me organize these piles of paper." he sighed as they began sorting the papers,

"Transfer?" he grunted.

"That pile there by my foot," she looked up from the papers "Where is Risa? Did she move out of the quarters?"

"Yes she is out in town somewhere, I haven't seen her since the end of Wintermarch."

"I will have to go see her tomorrow."

"This needs to be signed" he passed a paper to her making eye contact with her. She read through the paper. A junior enchanter had had a child the same day Vika was born.

"The child was taken to the Chantry."

"Macaron sent the boy to Cumberland."

They sat in silence as they sorted and signed papers. Her hand cramped after two hours and she was certain the had started leaving the second 'n' in Stannard out at some point.

She went out into the tower and entered Orsino's office.

"What." he said flatly not looking up.

"Meet me upstairs in ten minutes."

"What for?"

"I want you, It has been too long."

"Earlier.."

"Was earlier."

She met him at the top of the stairs and dragged him into her quarters. She kissed his neck nipping at the skin as he moaned quietly. He slid his hands up her sides to her breasts. She grabbed them and lowered them to her hips. Her breasts were painful and leaking again, she didn't want them touched. She reached for his crotch and rubbed the growing bulge hidden under the layers of fabric.

He reached for her shirt and started to pull it off but she slapped his hands away.

"I'm cold leave my shirt on." Her skin was still lined with stretch marks that hadn't yet faded away. She peeled back his robed and undid his small clothes freeing his cock. She grasped it and ran her cold thumb up the under side of his stiff member. He shuddered and hissed.

"You're so cold" he rasped. She slipped her underclothes off and lowered herself onto his lap.

He felt foreign inside her, it wasn't looser like she had feared. It just felt different. A raised brow informed her that he too felt a difference. She broke the glare and began grinding him hard. He dug his nails into her thighs and kissed her neck. She thrust and thrust and her muscles began to cramp. She clamped her teeth and went faster feeling the familiar tightening. She came satisfactorily and he followed moments after. He rolled his head back and sighed as she slipped off him and she quickly pulled her pants back on before he could catch a second glance at her skin. His seed leaked out of her uncomfortably and it reminded her.

"Could you brew me some tea?" he put his clothing back together.

"Yes, of course."he rummaged in the drawer where it was usually kept and pulled out a tiny bag. "I could stay and we could have a proper cup of tea?"

"No, thank you. I'm going to go to bed" she sat in her favourite chair after he left, sipping back the bitter contraceptive tea. Looking into its yellow depths she pondered. He had spilled his seed in her at least a hundred times in the past 4 and half year, dozens of times they could've conceived a child but this piss coloured liquid worked all but once. She wondered why it didn't work that one instance. Maybe it was as the healer in the north had said, some babies were meant to be.

She walked to her trunk and opened it and began rummaging through looking for the small yellow blanket. Pulling it out she sat on the bed and smelled it. Who would that sweet smelling baby grow up to be. Somebody magnificent, she was her daughter after all. There was a rap at her door she quickly tossed the blanket into her bedside table. Orsino slipped back in.

"Get out." she snapped without looking at him.

"Meredith, I just wanted to talk to you there is something on my..."

"Leave, leave right now!" she nearly screamed. He turned and left immediately.

He knew, she knew. Who was she kidding. He knew when they had spent the night together when she returned from Ansburg. People with terrible illnesses don't acquire bigger breasts, wider hips, and a uniform swell to their waists.

She started avoiding him the following months.

She would check upwards or four times a week at the Chantry to see if Vika's birth records showed up. When they did they stated that she hadn't been dedicated to the Chantry much to Meredith's chagrin, but they stated she had been adopted after only two months by a wealthy non-noble family.

She was somewhat relieved that the Chantry wasn't going to have her forever they didn't often raise little girls to be Templar's. They preferred to keep them around as servants and lay sisters, she had learned that all too well herself. But this family, who were they? They were probably merchants. Did she have brothers and sisters?

She would often pause while doing paperwork and think of her. In the second month she had reached for a bottle of ink and suddenly her shirt was wet. She had panicked thinking she had spilled black ink all over her expensive tunic but was even more mortified to see that it was her milk. She ran immediately to her quarters in embarrassment she she would stuff rags into her breast band.

Three months passed, then four and six and nine. On First Day she holed up in her room and drank an entire bottle of wine. Orsino was the only person to visit her and she as even surprised to see him. She figured he was sick of her ignoring him,

"Meredith" she said uncomfortably" Are you in?" she grunted from her comfy chair in the corner.

"I brought desserts would you like some." she eyed his basket of cookies and cakes and nodded. He pulled the desk table closer to the fire and lay the basket and another bottle of wine on it. "Help yourself I already had several of those cranberry crumbles they are delicious." he poured the wine and handed her a glass which she downed in seconds.

"I'm having one of those days" she muttered taking a huge bite of a sugar filled croissant.

"You didn't open your Saturnalia present." he observed the still wrapped box on top of her bookcase.

"You can take it back. I didn't get anything for you so it's not fair to take one from you."

"Your love is all I need."

"Shut your mouth." she slurred and dropped her wine glass. "I can have you transferred in a heart beat, mage." she stood up and wobbled catching herself on the table.

"Excuse me?" Orsino was aghast at her behaviour.

"There's is anti-fraternization laws, Senior Enchanter. I think you remember them well, what was her name? Mina was it?"

"Meredith" his toned hardened.

"Still a sore spot? Its only been twelve years."

"You really are a heartless bitch." he snapped.

"Get out" she snarled. His brow was furrowed, his mouth in a grim frown. This was the vampire all the recruits were scared of.

"No" he said calmly as he grabbed her by the edge of her dressing gown and lead her to the bed.

When she awoke the next morning a dull ache pressed on her forehead and her throat was parched. She shuddered and rubbed her bare arms glancing to the floor trying to find her nightgown. She didn't see it at first glance so she tucked herself back into the warm bed.

Orsino had stayed the night, something he rarely did. He lay on his side facing her. He looked twenty years younger in his sleep. His greying hair had slipped from its carefully brushed position across his forehead and across the pillow. His lips were parted slightly as he breathed softly, those lips he had given their daughter.

She was still desperately cold in her small clothes. She pulled up her feet and stuck them onto Orsino's warm unknowing stomach. He grunted and snorted as he woke.

"Curses woman this is why I don't spend the night."

"I'm cold"

"Then light a fire."

"Will you?" he sighed and crawled out of the bed hissing when his feet made contact with the icy stone floor. He limped to the hearth bending his knee stiffly. He knelt on the hearths edge pulling the edge of his short pants down to avoid the cold brick making contact with his skin. He tossed in a few logs and pointed a finger igniting them instantly.

"There, happy?"

"Yes." she patted the bed and he crawled back in stretching a long limb until he heard a crack. He chuckled.

"I'm getting old."

"How old are you now?"

"Forty-seven at the end of this month."

"I met you on your thirty-fifth birthday." Meredith said "I was a new recruit and I was to drop you off and go back to get you at the Hanged Man."

"And that guy ginger guy Richard tried to grope you through your plate and you knocked his front teeth out." Orsino said with a hearty laugh. "Did you know that he brags about that to this day."

"Some men are absolute idiots." she muttered

"I don't trust red heads, red heads and people from Antiva. A red head from Antiva, oh boy." Meredith smiled.

"I'll have you know my mother was a red head."

"That's where you get that temper." he chuckled.

"I'll have you know." said Meredith "My mother was one of the most level headed individuals. It was my father that had the short temper. I am my fathers daughter."

She looked at his big smile and in that moment the words ' I hope your daughter's her fathers daughter' almost slipped off her tongue. He sat up and grabbed his robe off the floor.

"I have to go. I am expecting Macaron will be needing my assistance with the piles of complaints. We get them every year. Wine and a bunch of apprentices don't mix."

"Now how did the apprentices get the wine?" she asked as she stretched out on the bed.

"That Knight Commander is a mage secret." he winked and left.

The closer it got the seventh of the month the more the ball of anxiety in her stomach bubbled. On the sixth she felt nauseous she had retired to her quarters early unable to hold a pen in her shaking hand. She pulled out the tiny yellow blanket and held it to her cheek and she lay on the bed. She swore the fabric still held the smell of her freshly scrubbed baby.

She heard the chimes ring in the seventh and she threw herself off the bed. She needed to tell someone what was hurting her. She threw on her warm winter cloak and started to leave the Gallows. She walked past Orsino's office seeing the candle still burning. She paused and contemplated telling him. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.

She went to the Chantry pushing the tall stone doors open. A tired mother creeped down the steps.

"Knight Commander what are you doing here at such a late hour?"

"I must speak to the Grand Cleric, its an urgent issues." the mother raised a brow.

"As you wish Ser, I will go get her" Meredith stood stiffly by the alter as the mother went upstairs.

"Meredith, what is so urgent you had to summon me in the middle of the night." a tired Elthina asked from the top of the stairs.

"I must speak with you in private."

"Come child." she lead Meredith into a small room. "What is it child that has called you here at this hour."

"I have to confess. My guilt is eating me alive."

"What is it you have to confess to child?" Meredith took a deep breath, she was going to do this.

"One year ago today, I..." her voice was failing her "I had a child... a bastard." she hissed that last word, she felt horrible calling that sweet little girl a bastard but that's exactly what she is, her bastard.

The Grand Cleric looked at her with great confusion.

"I did not expect this Meredith, but the Maker forgives all, regardless of what your sin may be."

"Your grace, that's not all."

"Oh?"

"I... the... this cannot be shared, none of it I have your confidence?" Elthina nodded,

"The father is Senior Enchanter Orsino." Meredith couldn't look her in the eye. She knew that she was shocked by her revelation. She has been half raised by the kind old woman. She must be disgusted with her. Violating every teaching she had ever taught her. She expected to be stripped of her title and Orsino to be sent away,

"Where is the boy?" was all she said

"It was a girl. She was adopted by a family of merchants in Ostwick she could be anywhere."

"Ostwick?" the look she gave Meredith said she knew what went on during her sabbatical.

"Does Orsino know?"

"No"

"Meredith, I... don't even know what to say." Elthina slipped into a velvet covered chair.

"I will accept any and all punishments."

"Shh child, sit for a moment." Meredith sat in the matching chair.

"What is the girls name?" Elthina asked after several moments of silence

"Vika."

"Vika Stannard."

"I did not give her my name."

"I figured as such."

Meredith was torn between whether Elthina was gathering evidence for her treason trial or if she was interested in the progeny of a woman she considered almost a granddaughter.

"She is healthy?" the Grand Cleric broke her stream of thought.

"Small, but that was to be expected but she was healthy, a fine set of lungs, ten finger, ten toes."

"I will send her birth certificate to Val Royeux, they needn't know why now, but when she is of age and you retire you may want to recognize her as your own."

"She will be the only child I will ever have." she said quietly "and I didn't expect to even have her." They sat in silence for another moment.

"You have my confidence Meredith, this secret with die with me. You are the person I trust this city with and I will do as the Maker wishes and forgive you for your transgression. We all make mistakes, one night of lapsed judgement shouldn't be the end of you." Meredith dropped to one knee. She thanked the Maker Elthina assumed it was one night. It was easier to explain a drunken night in Nevarra then a traitorous long time affair.

"Your Grace I am unworthy of you holy pardon."

"Meredith, no one could possibly judge you more then you have judged yourself." she touched Meredith's shoulder. "Stand child, be strong for all of us. I know you can"

Meredith rose and looked down at the ageing clergywoman. She was a girl of fourteen when she was orphaned and the Grand Cleric had held her as she cried out all her terror. She thought her arms were massive but now as she towered over the old woman she realized how mortal this woman.

"Meredith, it would be best if you spoke of this to Orsino. When you are ready of course." she nodded and left the Chantry heading back to the Gallows in the blowing midnight flurries.

im back ive been really sick the past little while