Chapter 7
Guilt

Hermione envied Snape for his calmness and composure which he held. She although did not got away from the idea that it was all staged. Probably no one before had ever been able to look at him from her perspective, but she noticed that it was working in him, and that not a little.
She could not say how long she had been lying in his lap, in his arms. And it also seemed to play no role. All that mattered was the fact that he was there for her, even though he should not have been.
"I want to apologize for the inconvenience," she said finally, to maintain the shape.
Then she noticed that he looked at her. His eyes were half closed.
"You must not do that," came his deep voice. "It's not your fault."
She exchanged furtive glances with him, his face remained expressionless. The black of his eyes shone bright and unfathomable and for a brief moment she was lost in it and forgot her worries.
"You'll need something to wear," he murmured eventually.
"And?"
"We should get you something that fits."
"Oh."
Hermione grabbed his long cloak, wrapped herself in it and slipped away a piece from him. She knew very well that she looked miserably in her torn and dirty clothes. However, he made no attempt to move, almost as if he did not know what to do. It was obvious that he had seen and experienced things that he did not want to testify. Especially when it was about her.
Ashamed, she threw her arms around her knees, which she drew close to your body. She was aware that he had witnessed her collapse and she wondered what he might think about her. After all, he was her professor and had taught her in the past few years and since this it was not as though they were two strangers.
The sadness came over her so suddenly that she had the feeling that she could not look into his eyes. Slowly she lowered her eyes and bit her lip.
"You can not preserve me from it," she said absently. "It's too late."
He swallowed and sounded clearly hurt as he answered. "Do not say such a thing."
Hermione was almost frightened at the change in his tone. He and hurt? What was wrong with that? She was the one who had been abused by wild beasts. Nevertheless she saw the facts that he had brought his life to the game, to save her and bring her back her wand.
"I had to try at least," he murmured softly, his gaze into the distance.
At that moment, she could see that it hurt him much more than she had anticipated. It was not the first time that he had witnessed something like that.
"Who," she asked, alarmed. "Who was it?"
His gaze hit her hard. "A girl, very much like you."
Hermione opened her mouth. "It was not your fault," she returned softly, just as you did, when you wanted to express sympathy, not knowing how to do it best.
"It was my fault."
She looked at him intently as they waited to see what he would say. His way of looking at things, she was fascinated in a startling way. Professor Snape was not one to let himself be fooled. He had predictive capabilities that others could only dream about. At this moment, however, he looked lost as much as she did.
"I have not saved her."
"But you have not done this to her." She knew. It could not be otherwise. Nevertheless, she wanted confirmation that she was not mistaken.
"I did not help her and that makes me just as guilty as everyone else."
He turned his eyes away from her.
"No."
Hermione gently stretched out her hand to him and put it on his.
At first she felt that he intended to withdraw it. Yet he did not.
"I ought to have tried it and did not do it," he said, barely audible.
She was so deeply moved by his confession that she forgot everything else. The reason why she was here, her pain, everything. She felt connected to him, as close as never before.
"Look at me," she demanded softly, almost as if she would owe him something, that she was in a strange way.
Slowly he looked up. His long hair fell over his eyes and Hermione had the impression that he did this on purpose to hide his expression from her.
Her mouth felt dry and still she wanted to know the truth. "Would it have been of use, if you had tried to save her?"
He shook his head, almost imperceptibly.
"Look. Presumably you would then not be here."
He laughed bitterly, so that she shuddered. "We will never know. They have killed her."
It was hard, what he had said. And also full of feeling. To be a Death Eater, was not something that he accepted lightly.
Only laboriously she recovered herself, squeezed his hand and was surprised when he responded to her touch. Eventually she found her hand in his.

"I trust you, Professor. You did nothing wrong. You have saved me. And I'm sure you would have done the same thing back then, if you had had the opportunity."
His eyes flashed, she could even see it through the black curtain of his strands. "When I was one of them, I was forced to do terrible things, Miss Granger. This can never be made up for it."
She nodded hesitantly. "Perhaps that is so. We all make mistakes. But just now I could see that you regret it. Am I right?"
He did not answer and looked decidedly away from her. Then his calm character began to move and he stood up. Hermione could not help it, she had to watch him.
All of a sudden, he was back. Tall, slim and incredibly unapproachable. If she had not had his black cloak with her, the image of the dark bat would have been complete.
"Come, Miss Granger. We should go before it gets dark."

Carefully, he held out his hand, which she stared at in astonishment. It was that hand, which was only recently so warm and caring to her.
"Why do you wait?" He asked with a broken smile. "If I had been about to bite you, I would have done it long ago."
Hesitantly she reached for it and he was helping her to her feet. Again she felt the warmth that radiated from him and an electric shock ran through her body.
The tentative smile on his face brought everything around her in a completely different light. "It works."

Clumsily she stood before him and was not sure what she should do. Professor Snape had peculiarities, she did not know on him. His gestures were strange for someone like him and Hermione could barely handle it. Moreover, she felt ashamed. Her clothes, she was wearing on her body, were not precisely adapted in order to go out, onto the street, except for the fact that a shopping spree with Snape far exceeded her expectations.
"What are you doing?"
"We're going shopping. As I said."
She blinked, still incredulous. "We? Where to?"
"Only a couple of blocks away. There is a supposedly good second-hand store in the vicinity."
Hermione frowned. "You buy your stuff there?"
He raised his eyebrows with a mixture of curiosity and amazement. "No. But the Muggles who live around here. But until then you have to handle with my stuff. The bedroom has a closet with civilian dress. I'm sure there's something in it, which can be transformed in your size."
Puzzled, she shook her head and followed him out the door to his bedroom - as if everything would not be strange enough by now.