Disclaimer- The fabulous characters of my story belong to the wonderful Steohenie Meyer and come from her Twilight series.
A/N- I continue to be amazed at the response this story is receving. It is such a confidence booster to hear that you guys are enjoying it, especially when it has just always felt a little off to me. I hope you continue to like. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
"I just…can't…" Carlisle trailed off. He had been saying things like that from the moment they had told him, unable to complete a single thought. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, closing his eyes. It was awhile before he opened them again. "Do you have any idea…how…"
"She…wouldn't talk to us," Alice said in barely more than a whisper.
Edward closed his eyes against the immense pain that hit him. It had been doing that since the moment she tore her arm from his grasp. Touching her, after thinking she was gone, after all this time; it felt like his entire world had finally come into focus, after being hazy and unclear for so long. His life had meaning again.
And at the same time it didn't. Because what did his life really mean, what did it really amount to now? The one person he loved most in the world had been…killed, essentially. And she was this...shell now. What she said to him was right; he could see it without even needing to be told. That she wasn't Bella…his Bella. Everything that had happened, every stab of pain she felt, everything she had lost; it was all because of him.
But he couldn't deny it. The feeling of being alive. The feeling he hadn't had since he said goodbye to her that day. The guilt, the anguish, couldn't push that feeling away. Her existence, her mere presence, brought it out; and now it wasn't going away. Because she was there; in one way or another she was there.
"There…there must be a way we can talk to her," Esme said quietly.
"You didn't see her," Rosalie spoke up. "She…she's not…"
"She's not the same," Emmett supplied. "The way she reacted…"
"How could we really expect her to react?" Carlisle mused.
"I…would expect her to be angry. Hurt maybe. But…" Edward choked up and took a moment to compose himself before continuing. "But not…empty. I could never have imagined her so empty. She is a shell. Nothing more."
"We have no idea what she's been through. But whatever it is, I'm sure it's not...in any way pleasant."
Edward cringed. He couldn't imagine what she had done these last years, with no one there for her. The thought of her being what she was, all alone, killed him. All he had wanted was to protect her; to let her have a chance. And look at the chance she had gotten.
"But…she's alone," Esme choked out. "We cannot just leave her alone. She must come here."
"We'll be lucky if she hasn't left the state by now," Emmett murmured.
Edward let out a low growl without even thinking about it. They all looked at him. He lowered his head, looking at the floor and shaking it a few times. "What am I supposed to do? Please…" he raised his eyes up to Carlisle, "tell me what to do."
Carlisle sighed. "Emmett could be right, and she could be…gone. But if she is not; we will need to try and approach her slowly. With the state she's in, crowding her will only do more harm. This must be done right if we have any hope of…regaining her trust."
"It's not her trust for you that needs to be regained. It's mine; only mine. I…I told her that day…that it was my decision; that none of you had anything to do with it. She knows that this is my fault, and my fault only."
"Edward, it is not…" Esme began.
"Yes it is," he practically growled, interrupting her. "Would she have been bitten if I was here? Of course not; that makes it my fault. There is no other way to look at the situation. Do not try and pacify me; I know what I did."
"This…is so delicate, I really don't know…" Carlisle trailed off once again. "I just cannot believe this happened."
"What I want to know is why I saw nothing," Alice spoke up. "How could I have seen nothing of Bella being attacked?"
"You weren't looking, it happened spur if the moment; there are many things that could have caused it. But none of them matter much now." Carlisle looked at her intently. "Do you see anything of Bella now?"
Alice sighed. "No…nothing."
"Even if she is this…shell," Carlisle floundered on the word. "Even if that is so, there must be a way to correct it. She is there somewhere. There is a way."
The smart thing would have been to leave. She knew that. She knew she should have just taken off. They had let her walk away. She had still gone to her last class. And after that she should have just disappeared.
She knew she should leave. No good could come of this. Nothing could come of this. There was nothing; she had nothing to give. Whoever, whatever she was, was empty. The only reason she even lived the life she did was because of example. This is what the Cullen's had done; all she knew was that kind of life or the kind Victoria had lived. Those were the only vampires she had ever known, and those were the only things she knew.
And of course she had gone with the Cullen's way. She wasn't empty enough to become a monster. So she lived this life because it was all she knew. She could easily move on to another school, make another identity. And she knew it would be the smart thing to do.
Of course she was telling herself all of this while she was on her way to her first class; obviously it wasn't doing much good. Because no matter how many times she told herself it was best, there was something inside of her, some deep part of her, that told her she was not leaving. It was firm, and unshakable. And she had no chance against it.
She walked into the classroom and back toward her seat. About halfway down the aisle she stopped dead in her tracks.
Edward sat in the seat right next to hers. She stared at him, unmoving for a long time. What was he doing there? She knew he hadn't been in the class yesterday. Her entire being automatically began reacting to his presence.
She finally moved toward her seat and sat down, angling her body away from his. The other students began filing in. The bell rang, but the teacher remained at his desk. Bella kept staring at a spot on the wall, all the time feeling his presence. It filled her, and she desperately tried to push it away. This wasn't something she knew how to, or wanted to, deal with. But when the teacher still failed to begin class she couldn't take it anymore.
"What are you doing here?" she practically hissed, her body turning slightly toward his, but her eyes never looking at him.
"There was a sudden change in my schedule," he whispered.
"A sudden change?"
"Imagine my surprise when I found it was completely rearranged."
"I'm sure," she retorted, turning her body away once again.
She sat, tense and uncomfortable, the entire period, never daring to look at him. Some part of her was surfacing that she didn't really recognize; a part that she couldn't identify with, and more importantly, didn't want to.
Bella.
She pushed her away furiously. She wouldn't let this happen. It was easy to be numb and uncaring. It was easy to be empty. When you had nothing, there was nothing to lose.
The bell rang and she jumped up, moving out of the room quickly; but he was right at her side. She stared forward intently as she moved through the hall.
"May I walk with you?"
"Looks like you already are."
"Well, we do happen to be going in the same direction."
"Due to your 'sudden change', I'm sure."
"Will you not even look at me?"
The pain saturated every word, and she found herself cringing; but she still wouldn't turn her eyes his way. They continued walking in silence. When they reached the classroom she walked in and went directly to her seat. And of course he went to the one right next to her.
She sighed heavily and remained facing forward this time. She could see him out of the corner of her eye. He kept stealing glances at her, but she never turned to meet his gaze.
Her memories really hadn't held his beauty as well as she thought they had. Her memories of him had of course been magnificent. But here, now, in person, he was so much more. The absolute image of perfection.
Her mind immediately went back to her first memory of him, across the cafeteria of this very school all those years ago. She found it amazing that she remembered all the emotions, all the responses, it had brought out in her, considering those were no longer a part of her.
And while she knew she reacted to him now, it was as if it came from somewhere deep, trying desperately but never really pushing completely through. It was hazy.
But hazy as it was, it was still so strong. And she loathed it. She didn't want to feel these things; she didn't want to be thrown into turmoil, into confusion. All she had really thought about these last years were memories and the occasional wondering of where he was, where they all were. But now all of these things were being thrown at her rapid fire, and all she wanted to do was duck into herself and hide.
Because she had been hiding for so long. Hiding was simple and uncomplicated. This was not. What she could slowly feel happening was full of intricacies and complications, she knew that.
All of her morning classes went the same. Edward was there, in the seat next to her. He walked next to her to each one, and they never said a word. When the bell rang for lunch she darted much quicker than she should have into the library; he didn't follow her.
She breathed a sigh if relief as she went and picked up a random book. She didn't care what it was. She knew she would only pretend to concentrate on it anyhow. And the chances were good that she had already read it.
She figured that by now she had probably read most of the books in most of the libraries in Washington. It passed the time, and it engaged her mind with something that wasn't him. She read everything.
Everything but love stories. She never read love stories. She refused to even pick them up. She took the book to a table and sat, opening it and looking mindlessly at the pages.
She knew it was almost time for lunch to end when Alice joined her quietly at the table. Now she stared at the book intently, feigning great interest.
"Bella," Alice said quietly.
Bella made no attempt to look at her.
"You must hate us all so much."
Bella's eyes quickly darted up to look at her. Her face was full of pain, and Bella cringed. She had tried to hate; but only Edward. And she hadn't even succeeded there.
"No. I don't hate you," she said softly, turning her eyes away again.
"It wouldn't be wrong if you did. It wouldn't be unexpected."
"Well, I don't."
"I…know that maybe you might not want to be around us right now. I guess I can't really blame you. But…Carlisle and Esme," she paused. "They want to see you…so much. Would you maybe…could you consider coming over to see us? Please Bella."
Bella closed her eyes tightly. She couldn't do this. She couldn't create ties. She didn't know how. But she wasn't sure what scared her more right then, in that moment; creating them, or shying away.
"I…I can't do that," she whispered.
"I don't want to push you. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. But…please, I only ask that you think about it. I won't ask again; I will let you decide. And you can just…come whenever you'd like. But they really want to see you. We all do. Please consider it." She stood and walked away quickly. Bella stared after her.
She knew this was stupid. No good could come out of it. She told herself that over and over and over, repeating it like a mantra. So, she asked herself, why was she standing outside of their door then?
