Chapter 7
Most people fear death, but do not realize that the real fear stems from having to give up everything in their entire life. They do not want to accept that one day they will no longer be able to wake up in the morning and go about their daily routines. They don't want to face an eternity of nothingness that follows the end of their lives. They cling onto religion and spirituality as a means of hope, so they can convince themselves that there is something out there for them after they die.
People who commit suicide welcome death because there is nothing in their life that they desire to keep. They feel helpless, lost and broken, in a dark place where they think their lives couldn't get any worse and would never get better. They see death as an escape from their sad reality, a vice which will end their suffering and cast them into oblivion where they never have to think or feel again.
For Setsuna, death was never an option because her duty required her to live for centuries, watching ordinary mortals come and go in a cycle of life she wasn't part of.
Death would be a blessing for her. With all her conflicting thoughts and feelings, she could see that there was no way out. She simply wasn't capable of living, no matter how hard she tried or what she did. She was only good for duty and destined to be alone. She wasn't able to allow herself to believe otherwise because solitude was all she'd ever known.
Now the evil was gone. She might as well die. She wasn't needed anymore. There wasn't anything about her life that she wasn't willing to let go of. The emotional turmoil was something she was dying to get rid of, and apart from that her life was basically empty, so she wouldn't really be giving up anything.
The other senshi, they could live without her. She wasn't close to the inners so they'd get over her pretty quickly. The other outers would be sad for a while but they had once lived without Setsuna and would be able to do so again.
Then there was Minako, the only reason why she was still sitting there in her bedroom, staring at a bottle of paracetamol in her hands. Killing herself would mean hurting Minako, the girl who'd tried her hardest to help ease her emotional pain. Minako had always been there even when Setsuna had tried to push her away, which said something for how much the love senshi cared. Strangely enough, Setsuna cared about her too - she couldn't deny it. Of all people, hurting Minako would be a betrayal to herself and everything she stood for. She saved people's lives; she didn't shatter them. Minako would be shattered if Setsuna died.
She didn't want Minako to be shattered. She loved her too much for that.
Love?
Her grip tightened around the bottle of pills and she wondered when it had suddenly become love. She'd stopped denying that she liked Minako and cared about her and that was one type of love. However, she knew this love she'd referred to was love of a completely different kind. It wasn't just a friendly affection. It was a desire to be wherever she was twenty-four hours of the day just so she could stare at her beautiful face. It meant she would give anything to make sure she was happy and safe. It was where she dreamed about her and in those dreams Minako was as beautiful as an angel from Heaven.
Setsuna had never felt that kind of love before.
She cast the bottle of pills aside and grabbed the phone. She was about to dial Minako's number when she heard a rapping on the window, and looked up to see Sailor Venus motioning frantically to be let in. Setsuna opened the window for the senshi, who climbed in and threw herself upon Setsuna, hugging her tightly.
"Setsuna, what on earth is going on here? I could sense you from miles away, you woke me up feeling terrible -" Her sentence trailed off as she caught sight of the pill bottle lying on the ground and her eyes widened in horror. "Oh my God! Setsuna, what the hell did you do?"
Setsuna sat on the edge of her bed. Seeing the anguished look on Venus' face made her feel extremely guilty and she suddenly wondered how she could have ever contemplated killing herself.
"Nothing," she said in a defeated tone. She'd never managed to swallow the pills because she'd been stopped by her guilt of hurting Venus. But she realized she'd already hurt Venus simply by thinking about it. "Nothing. I couldn't…you stopped me, Venus."
She couldn't help the tears streaming down her cheeks. She had no idea how long it had been since she'd last cried and she'd certainly never expressed that kind of emotion in front of other people. She'd always been stoic since it had been a requirement of her duty. You couldn't have emotions when you were fighting an enemy. You had to be ruthless and cold, destroy the evil without hesitation and without taking pity.
But now she simply cried, finally unleashing everything she'd kept concealed within her for so long. She didn't bother hiding it or pretending everything was alright. She didn't bother trying to be strong because deep down she was exhausted. She was done with stoic: she couldn't do this alone anymore.
"Setsuna…I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was this bad. But can I ask - what do you mean, I stopped you?"
"If I died it would hurt you, and I don't want that," Setsuna admitted. For a second she saw a hopeful look pass across Minako's face, but this was quickly replaced by concern.
Indecisiveness had never been one of Setsuna's qualities. She was always a careful thinker, always making sure she made the right decision before following through on it, and never went back on it. Today she'd changed her mind for the first time and still wasn't sure if she'd done the right thing. Perhaps it would have been better if she'd just swallowed the pills and been done with it.
The decision was to stop herself from hurting, or save Minako the pain of grieving.
She couldn't bear the thought of Minako being unhappy. She'd never cared so much about another person before that she would give anything to protect their wellbeing. It was ironic in a way - usually people sacrificed their lives to save the ones they loved. By not taking the pills, Setsuna had sacrificed her death, and had opted to keep suffering so that Minako wouldn't suffer in her place.
"I'm not a doctor but I reckon this could be medical. I mean from what you almost did tonight I'd say you were in depression."
Setsuna thought it was odd that her problems stemmed from things that were far from human comprehension, and yet Venus had put the consequences down to something completely scientific. Truth was, she'd gotten so used to otherworldy occurrences, so used to finding deeper meanings behind everything even slightly unusual, that she no longer recognized anything comprehensible by ordinary humans as a possible explanation.
"You think I have depression?""Well…yes. I mean, no offence but most non-depressed people don't try to commit suicide."
A tiny smile graced Setsuna's face. Minako did have a point.
"I guess."
"If it's alright with you, can I ring Ami-chan about this?" asked Venus. "Tomorrow, I mean, since it's kind of late. I reckon talking to her would be better than talking to some random doctor. I mean, you couldn't just go up to them and be all open about being Sailor Pluto, they'd probably think you're crazy."
Setsuna noted that Venus was asking before she told anyone else and appreciated it greatly. Deciding that it couldn't possibly hurt to talk to Ami, a fellow senshi and one who would see things from an academic point of view, she nodded and wiped her eyes. "Fine," she relented. "Fine. Ring her."
