- Before -
Paige knew before she asked that it wouldn't be Shana's thing, so when Shana made a face- an eyes narrowed grimace- Paige knew she ought to backtrack, brush off her request as a bad idea, a moment of weakness. She couldn't though. She needed Shana.
Shana sighed, arms crossed and looking away. It was the first time Paige had seen the other girl look truly uncomfortable.
"Paige, I don't know. Don't you think they'll be a little more upset if I'm there? I get the feeling your dad isn't the kind of person to rein in his temper just because company is over."
"He's not. He'll be livid."
Paige could see Shana waiting for her to continue, to add a little reassurance to the statement, a little foxhole pep-talk, but she just shrugged instead- there was nothing comforting to say. It was going to be unalterably bad.
"School starts tomorrow. I have to tell them. I have to be brave enough to do this."
"Paige, you don't have to do anything! Putting yourself on some sort of weird countdown to the gaypocalypse is ridiculous!"
"Shana, I have to! I have to-if I see her-school is starting, and if I have to see her there and know that I still haven't been brave enough, that I'm still such a failure," Paige's words caught, a choking ball of sadness just below her throat, "I can't do that. I have to tell them."
Shana closed her eyes, shook her head in defeat, "Fine. How are we doing this thing?"
"I'm so sorry, Shana- if Paige had let me know you were coming to dinner a little sooner, I would have made something, but I'm afraid you caught us on leftover night." Ann McCullers set a casserole plate, steaming hot from the microwave, on a potholder in the center of the table, giving it a stir to break up the crust that had formed at the edges.
"No worries, Mrs. McCullers, this is...great." Shana had a shitty poker face.
"Have some chicken, dear."
"Shana's a vegetarian, Mom." Paige supplied, nudging the bowl of reheated green beans in Shana's direction.
"Oh." Ann re-creased her napkin nervously, "How healthy."
Nick snorted, "You need protein to build lean muscle. Don't know how you manage being on the swim team with a rabbit's diet."
"Dad-"
"I'm just teasing, Paige. To be honest, we could all stand to take a few pointers from Oakwood- a consistently upper tier team. Care to share any state secrets, Shana?"
Shana raised an eyebrow as she speared greens with her fork, "I'm not sure Oakwood can afford to give Paige any advantages in the water- we're having a hard enough time with her as it is."
Nick laughed and winked at his daughter, and Paige felt sick. They were happy. Overbearing and annoyed at her springing a guest on them, invasive and aggressive and a hundred other things they were just by default, but also happy. It made it worse, somehow. Her mother filled her father's water glass and her father kept grilling Shana for swimming details and just looking at the food on her own plate made Paige feel sick.
"I have to tell you something."
Paige could feel Shana grab her hand under the table, holding her tighter than she could even squeeze back. She could feel the energy change in the room, how everyone froze, like rabbits or deer when they think they hear something toothsome approach. It was such an innocuous statement, but Paige had the sick feeling that her parents were always bracing for the worst from her; that their normal family look was just playacting until Paige's next disappointment, and her simple introduction was enough to send them immediately to that jittery place of fear.
"If it's about swimming, sweetheart, save it for after dinner. Like I tell your father, shop talk isn't for family time." Ann McCullers pushed her chair back, started to stand, "Let me see if I can find anything else for Shana to eat- I'm sure we have some broccoli from Wednesday's prayer circle-"
It was her mother's one defense mechanism- the ability to detect those critical moments just before a blow-up and sidestep them. For her mother, the peace was always worth keeping, no matter the cost, a trait Paige had grown up to hate, to sympathize with, and to mimic. But not tonight.
"Mom, please sit down."
"But I'm sure it's just in the fridge-"
"Ann." Nick said, voice dangerous with fear, "Paige has something to tell us. Sit down."
Paige counted her breaths, told herself that on the tenth inhale, she had to tell them.
One. Two. Three.
Everything would be okay. The world would end, but it wasn't a world she wanted to live in anyway.
Four. Five. Six.
This would be the hardest part. Everything would be downhill from here. It had to be.
Seven. Eight. Nine.
She could be brave. Shana believed she was. Emily might believe it now, too.
Ten.
"I'm gay."
"This is a family matter. You can see yourself out."
Shana looked at Paige, waiting to see what Paige needed from her.
She tried to look brave. Shana squeezed her hand tight. "It's fine. I'll talk to you soon."
Shana gave her a small smile, "You've got this. I promise."
Shana left the room and Paige could hear the soft click of the front door a moment later. Nick McCullers took a deep breath, hands on his hips, and stared at the carpet. His eyes raked back and forth, as if he were searching the floor for the words he needed to reverse this situation.
"Right," he said, eyes finally flicking up to Paige, before he marched out of the room and into his study. He was gone for only a few moments, returning with what he needed in his hand, too reverent to actually slam it on the coffee table in front of her, but forceful all the same. It was his Bible.
"Open it to Romans."
Paige ran her hands over the embossed letters on the front, saw how the gold of Holy Bible had faded over the years, thought of how often she'd seen her father's thumb run over those words as he was praying, how the shine of that gold was part of his hands now.
"Open it up."
Paige flinched, "Dad-"
"Open it, Paige!"
She could do this. If she had to sit through the worst of what he had to throw at her, she would do it.
"Read it. Out loud."
Paige opened her mouth, and choked. She had read those words so many times already, and though she didn't, couldn't, believe them, they still hurt so much. She looked up at her father, begged him with her eyes not to make her do this.
"I don't want to."
Her father looked as close to crying as she'd seen him since her grandfather died. It was terrifying.
"I want to make sure you know exactly what you are doing Paige. Read it!"
Paige inhaled a shaky breath, hurt already twisting inside her from the words that are about to come out of her mouth, for the condemnation of herself she was about to read.
"Enough."
Paige's head snapped up from the page, her father's attention already diverted to her mother, who was crying, but standing.
"Ann, I know what I'm doing here, we can't let this go any further, if she wants to-"
"I said enough, Nick! I can't watch this."
Paige saw her father's jaw tense, his fists tighten, watched just how hereditary her anger really was.
"Then leave the room, Ann."
He turned back to Paige, confident in his command, but for once, her mother didn't leave, didn't disappear into her room to lie down, or retreat to the garden, or stay silent like she had a thousand times before.
"No. We aren't doing this. This is our daughter. I'm not doing this to her."
Nick's jaw flexed, the tremble of a tirade already in his mouth, but instead he looked away.
"Deal with your daughter, then."
Her father was in the study behind a locked door. Her mother was holding her hand.
"It's not what we want for you, Paige. It will hurt you, and that-that hurts me-more than you can possibly know. I love you so much. And it's so hard to see you in pain. I don't have your father's strength. His belief, his convictions- they give him some comfort, but I-I just don't know. I'm not sure what it is you need."
Her mother pushed Paige's auburn hair behind her ear.
"I know you're different. You're special. And you're my daughter. And I can see you struggling so hard and I would do anything to help you, but being-" Ann took a deep breath.
"Gay." she managed, her breath shuddery.
"Paige. I'm scared for you."
Paige sniffed, "Me too." Paige looked into her mother's eyes, the hurt she saw there making it impossible to keep her own bottled up any longer, her voice cracking as the tears started.
"But I've been so unhappy, mom."
Ann McCullers rocked her sobbing daughter in her arms, her hand smoothing back Paige's hair over and over again.
"I know, sweetheart. I know.
Paige couldn't sleep, and it seemed that Shana hadn't bothered to. She showed up ten minutes after Paige texted her, creeping up the front porch stairs so the wood wouldn't creak, and slipping next to Paige on the swing.
"How did it go?"
Paige smiled, willing herself not to tear up, "It's over with. That's enough."
Shana smiled back, ran her thumb across Paige's cheek. Paige moved to put her arm around Shana, but stopped, turned it into an awkward shrug. Shana looked at her, all raised eyebrow and come on, now.
"Paige." Shana said, the auburn haired swimmer meeting her eyes dutifully, "do you want to touch me?"
Paige watched Shana's lips. The words were teasing, but the tilt of Shana's mouth followed the gentle curve of want in the way she had tilted her head just to the side, showing off the space on her neck the Paige couldn't get enough of.
"Yes."
Shana moved closer to her, Paige's arms wrapping around her waist instinctively, "Then touch me."
So she did. She kissed Shana as her first free act of this new world and it was as if all those sparks she'd been afraid of striking with Shana before were finally burning across her skin. She wanted to do it again, but Shana pulled back, spoke against her lips.
"So, Paige McCullers. When are you going to ask me out?"
"Right now." Paige said, and kissed her.
