I don't own any of the characters in that story

And there's no way not to mention my Beta, so one more time - huge thanks to Samantha V

Chapter 6

"I'm fine"

After running away from Gibbs' house that night Tony headed toward his apartment, frustrated with himself, with his colleagues, friends, and boss who was like a father to him. His place wasn't far from Gibbs' so Tony decided to walk, to have the chance to clear his head. Hell, how did this all happen? The agent was asking himself. (**) Greg, you were right that day, you know that, don't you? You told me that there always is justice and nothing bad we do will stay unpunished, but I didn't believe you. Your words turned out to be very right, no matter that you were talking about my father. Hell, Greg, you were the only one who cared about me, the only father I had, the only one who could see the real me. Now it's Gibbs, but I think I disappointed him, I managed to screw up so many times. You know what, these days I'm asking myself if my life is worth something or if it'd be better if I just ended it. Maybe I'll see you soon, sir. I really miss you. You taught me a lot, just like the boss. 'His thoughts wandered back to his old Trainer (**)

Thinking like that for almost an hour, Tony finally entered his apartment. The empty, dark place made him feel so alone, desperate, like his soul was dying. The agent hadn't eaten anything for a long time leaving him weak and light headed. Anthony, you should eat or you'll go back to the hospital. Maybe Gibbs and Ducky will be happy then. His hysterical laugh was more than frightening. Opening the fridge, Tony found only some Chinese food, who knew how long it had been there, and a half full bottle of vodka. Grabbing both he flopped onto his couch. "For my fucking life!" he toasted himself quietly.

Xxx

Next morning Gibbs was sitting in his car in front of Tony's building, sunk deep in his thoughts. Hell, Dinozzo, why is it everything bad always happens to you? You really don't deserve that, but in some ways fate is against you. I do hope it's not your breaking point, son. The sound of a horn brought the lead agent back to reality. He went out of his car, locked it and entered the building. Knocking three times on Tony's door there wasn't any answer. Taking his spare key he let himself in to find Tony asleep on the couch, empty bottle of vodka sitting next to him, his usually calm face tightly stretched. Tony had always looked younger while sleeping, but at that moment he looked way older.

"Tony." Gibbs said quietly, not wanting to scare the young man. But there was no response. "Dinozzo!" Tony jumped off the couch, confused and grabbed his weapon.

"Hey, easy. It's me."

Becoming aware, the younger agent put his gun on the table and sat back down. His head was aching, obviously a half bottle of vodka was too much for his weak body. "Don't do that again boss."

"Did you sleep well?"

"Honestly, boss, I haven't slept better for a long time. Obviously vodka helps."

"That's not the right way, Tony."

"Maybe, but it makes me feel better."

"Does it?"

"A little bit."

"Dinozzo, it's high time you started talking with me about what bothers you. It won't hurt you if you try. I can be a good listener if you give me a chance."

"I… I just can't."

"Why not?"

"It doesn't matter." Tony's last words were full of pain, regret; as if there was nothing of the old Tony left in him.

"It does because I care about you." Lifting Tony's chin Gibbs replied with a tone that very few people had ever heard. A tone that said how much the lead agent cared about his SFA.

"No, boss, just don't say it. I'm not worth anybody's concern."

"But why, Tony? I can't understand you."

"I screwed up so many times, boss. I screwed up the day I was born"

Hearing these words Gibbs head slapped his senior field agent.

"Hey, what was that for?"

"Now, you better listen and remember what I'm going to say. You. Are. Worth. A. Lot. And I'm proud of you. Do you get that?"

"Yes boss.'

"Good. Now you better take a shower, 'cuz if you look like that when I come by in the evening I'll kick your ass. Eat, and don't touch alcohol." Barking his last words, Gibbs went out, leaving Tony alone with his thoughts once again.

xxx

A few more days passed and it was time Tony went back to work. After a week of constantly saying he was ready, Gibbs finally agreed on condition he'd work desk duty for a while before going back to the field. Tony accepted but wasn't happy at all. He was pretending to be ok when he was with his friends but the mask fell off when he was alone. Drinking in a bar or just at home, taking his painkillers then pretending to sleep - that was his life now; that was what made him feel better.

Tony was so lost in his misery he didn't notice that despite all of his pretenses he hadn't fooled anybody into thinking he was okay or ready for work. If he'd looked closely he would have seen the concern and that they all thought it was better that they could keep an eye on their friend if he was there with them.

"Dinozzo, you're late"

"Sorry boss, I overslept. Won't happen again." He tried to act normally, his smile a smoke screen, but something in his voice wasn't as casual as it had been. He was thinner and looked like he hadn't slept for ages and everybody noticed.

"Are you sure you're ready, Tony?" Ziva was concerned.

"Yeah, look at me, I haven't looked this good before."

"Really, Dinozzo? You look more like a wreck than you looked like after the plague."

"It's always a pleasure to hear that, boss."

Gibbs' phone rang. After a terse conversation lasting no more than a few seconds, and not more than six words, he barked:

"Grab you gear, we have a dead Marine and kidnapped seven-year-old boy… Dinozzo, where are you going?"

Tony had grabbed his backpack and opened his drawer to get his gun, completely forgetting about the deal.

"Yeah, desk duty." He put his bag back on the ground with a disappointed face. "And what am I supposed to do here?" he yelled at their retreating backs as they headed for the elevator.

"Rest! We'll call you."

Xxx

Gibbs, McGee and Ziva were on their way to the crime scene in an awkward, unusual silence. They all missed Tony's film references and his complaining about Gibb's driving skills. The saddest thing was that they all knew that their Tony might never come back. Ziva had noticed that her partner hadn't given a damn about her language mistakes; she'd purposely made a few, but Tony just skipped them. She missed that. McGee tried to make Tony use some strange, funny names, but all he heard was the old, boring "McGee". For the past two weeks he'd taken a look at the superglue in Tony's drawer every day, wondering if his friend would use it again. He almost missed Tony's pranks.

Driving in silence for twenty minutes or so, Ziva decided to break the silence. "Gibbs, why did you agree for Tony to come back so early? We all know he is not ready."

"Yeah, but it's better for him to work than to sit at home and think about what happened and drink whatever is in his fridge."

"Boss, he… he doesn't look like himself, even though he's trying to act stupid like always. You should speak with him." The probie jumped in.

"Do you think so, McGee? Do you think I haven't tried? But he is Anthony Dinozzo, always been hurt, fooled and he knows how to hide things."

"Gibbs, I think this is Carter's house." Ziva pointed to a big white house, the front clustered with loads of officers and cars. With that their conversation ended.

Xxx

Getting out of the car the team noticed the familiar ME truck. There wasn't anything strange about it except for the fact that Ducky usually arrived at a crime scene a while after them. Generally Ducky blamed his assistant for that but, to be honest, it was both of them. Ducky had always been absentminded, and with Mr. Palmer, who was a young version of himself, their accuracy wasn't something that happened very often.

"Hey, Ducky. You're first." McGee stated.

"Yes, Mr. Palmer used to live here and he knew the way. It's good that he knows at least his own address."

"What do we have, Duck?" Gibbs didn't care very much about these details.

"Oh, actually not very much, Jethro. Lieutenant John Carter was killed with one shot, straight in the heart. Time of death – approximately four am. His boy's missing, as you probably know. I'll tell you more after the autopsy."

"Ok. McGee, call and tell Dinozzo to check everything about our lieutenant. He'll be happy with some work to do." Gibbs barked and McGee immediately took out his phone.

"Oh, Anthony is back? That's… hm… great. But isn't it early, Jethro?"

"Don't worry, Ducky, I'll take care of him." Gibbs was annoyed and used a ruder tone than he intended. "See you in autopsy Ducky."

"I hope, my friend, I hope."

Xxx

After talking with McGee, Tony decided it would be better to use Abby's help for his task. It wasn't hard to find the first bit of information and he had already done it while waiting for his boss' call, but now he had to track Carter's second phone and he knew he wasn't good enough with computers.

"Hey, Abs." He walked in and handed the goth a cup of Caf-Pow.

"Tonyyy" Jumping for joy she hugged him.

"Wow…don't break me, Abs," he joked.

"Sorry." She was still feeling guilty because of the film.

"Abs, I'm good, don't worry." Tony kissed her cheek.

"No, Tony, you aren't. Don't deny it, just look at yourself."

"Don't wanna talk about that… er, can you help me tracking that cell phone? It seems that Carter had two. We… they found only one at the crime scene. Maybe the kidnappers had taken the second one before murdering the father."

"No problem my sweetheart" she joked and returned the kiss before turning back to her computer screen. "Poor boy. How scared he must be! To be kidnapped by strangers who want God knows what…" she stopped, realizing what she had just said. "Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"It's ok, Abs. I can't get hurt every time someone says that word. It's weird, you know, with our job."

"Yeah, Tony, but your eyes say something else."

"Forget about that… I'm going upstairs before Gibbs kills me for hanging around here."

"I'll call you when I have something."

"Thanks."

"Tony!" she yelled after him. "Welcome back."

Xxx

Having collected all the evidence they could find, McGee and Ziva went to the neighbor's house to ask the owners a few questions. They were supposed to be a friendly, older couple, without children.

A rather portly, grey-haired man opened the door.

"Hello, I'm special agent McGee, that's special agent David, we're with NCIS." McGee said, showing his badge.

"What can I do for you?" Mr. Collins asked politely.

"We want to ask you a few questions about your neighbor, Lieutenant John Carter."

"Oh, come in, come in, don't just stand there. My wife's gone to the supermarket but I'll tell you as much as I can." He ushered them into a pleasant living room. McGee thought it suited the man in front of him, bland and maybe just a bit too soft.

"Thanks. How well did you know him?"

"Actually, well enough. I cried when I heard about… about his death. I've babysat his son loads of times. Such a nice young boy, smart. After his wife's death, John was hard up balancing between work and his child. He didn't have enough money, enough time. Linda and I used to help him however we could.

"Did you hear something strange last night? Or do you know who may want to kill the Lieutenant or hurt his boy?"

"I'm sorry. Me and my wife use sleeping-pills, you know, we're a little bit older and it's not so easy to sleep at our age."

"I understand. With work like ours it's not easy either," McGee complained.

"Ok, thank very much. If you think of something, please call us." Ziva handed Mr. Collins her number and the two agents went back to the crime scene.

xxx

Gibbs, McGee and Ziva came back to NCIS in the afternoon with all the evidence they had collected, dropping it off at Forensics before going back up to their desks. Entering the bullpen, they were surprised and shocked at what they saw: Tony, sleeping at his desk. Yeah, it had happened before, but not in the afternoon, not in the middle of a case, with a missing boy. His phone was blinking, indicating that Abby had called him three times. Gibbs was wondering why she hadn't just come up there when his thoughts were interrupted by "bing" and a very angry goth girl exiting the elevator.

"Anthony D. Dinozzo Junior, I hope you have a good reason for not picking up your phone!" Abby told off the sleeping agent in her usual loving tone.

"Abby, what…? McGee asked confused.

Seeing the sleeping Tony in front of them, McGee and Ziva exchanged glances and they both knew it was time to joke with their friend. They were glad about getting caught his slip. Moreover, whey wanted to wake up the familiar but sleeping kid, a part of the SFA they had always loved but neither of them had said it loudly. For their horror his reaction was far away form they expectations.

Ziva took a paper-bag, blew into it so that it expanded and burst it near Tony. He jumped and reached for his gun, his eyes filled with fear. I t was obvious that he wasn't having fun, not this time. Both junior agents felt very guilty. Gibbs shoot a glance at them and each McGee and Ziva took their places in front of their computers.

"Dinozzo, are you alright?" Gibbs tone more concerned than angry.

"Yeah, boss, of course. My eyes were a little bit irritated, you know how this computer screen can harm them. I just closed them for a while. Not a big deal, don't worry, boss." Tony tried to make a stupid excuse.

"Aha…I need to talk with you, Dinozzo. Now!" Gibbs nodded toward one of the interrogation rooms, 'cuz all other private places were busy.

"Boss…"

"That wasn't a request."

Xxx

Entering one of the interrogation rooms, Gibbs sat down on a chair, nodding toward the other one which Tony settled into.

"Sorry boss." Tony apologized though his face said: "What, I'm tired."

"Don't apologize, Dinozzo. It's…" Gibbs couldn't finish his sentence.

"I don't care, boss." Gibbs stared at him. "Won't happen again. Are we done?"

Skipping the unusual impatience in his SFA, Gibbs continued" Tony, how long has it been since you slept?" Using his first name - that was a sign of worry in his boss that Tony couldn't miss.

"Only missed last night. Kind of excited about coming back I think. No need to worry."

"What have I said about lies, Dinozzo?"

"You'll kick my ass?"

"That too. You can pretend you're fine with McGee, Ziva, Abby and even Ducky, not with me. By the way, they don't believe you either."

"Come on, Gibbs, boss. I'm fine. Desk duty makes me bored; it's not as interesting as you think. I don't recommend it." Tony tried to make a joke. He was sick and tired of people who were telling him how he felt. There had already been too many in only half a day and the number was going up.

"I'm watching you, Dinozzo. If I see you're not capable, you're going home. Now back to work, we have a missing boy to save." Gibbs knew his senior field agent wasn't good at all. It was going to be a long day, or even days.

Xxx

The rest of the afternoon was silent and the tension was high around the office. Everybody wanted to find that kid. Bobby Carter was only seven, with deep brown hair, green eyes. Yeah, the look in these green eyes was so familiar to Gibbs, it was a look that he had been used to seeing for many years but which was gone now. Gibbs didn't want his senior field agent to see that picture.

"What did you find, boss?" Tony had asked when he saw his boss was staring at something on his computer screen. "Nothing Dinozzo, keep searching."

He sent Ziva and McGee to Bobby's schoolto meet his teacher. She told them that Bobby was a very smart boy, full of energy, curious about the world outside, friendly, with many friends. Parents dreamt about having a kid like Bobby.

"You know his mother died last year, don't you?" Mrs. Spade asked them.

"Yeah, we know."

"Since then things have been changing. One morning, a little after his mother died, I saw Bobby crying in the gym. I though it was normal, but he told me he wasn't crying because of his mother. He showed me his back – there were loads of scratches. He told me they had been made by his own father."

"Did this happen again?"

"Yes. But the poor boy must have gotten used to it. He was as cheerful as before his mom's death, his marks were still excellent… "

"But?"

"He came to my house, a week ago. I was shocked, I mean he's only seven but managed to take the right bus, pay for it and find my place. When I asked him what was going on, he refused to tell me at first. But after an hour or so he told me everything. Some strangers had come to his house, argued with his father, then his father had worked off his bad temper on him. He told me his friend, Mr. Collins, wasn't home and… and I was the only one who could make him feel safe." She broke down crying.

"Ok, thank you Ms. Spade. Please, if Bobby contacts you or you just remember something else, call us."

"Agent McGee,…" the woman pleaded, "…please, find him."

Xxx

This first case was becoming a real hell for Tony. He tried not to take it personally, but he couldn't quite manage. Everything was bringing back bad memories, every picture, every smell. He did know what that feeling Abby was talking about a few hours ago felt like - knowing you're completely alone, vulnerable. Anybody can play with your mind, can destroy you mentally. "Anthony, your friends are disgusted by what you did to me. They won't come for you, they hate you now." Being said on the first day these words were unbelievable, but after a little more time they made sense. And Tony believed it. "Now and forever you're alone. This is not your family anymore, they're just coworkers. You can't trust them." Tony could here the echo in his ears; Morris' voice; the truth in these words.

"Dinozzo!" Gibbs barked. No response. Tony was gazing into empty space, fear in his eyes. "Tony!"

The harsh voice finally penetrated his thoughts and yanked him back to the present – hard institutional chair under his butt and cluttered desk in front of him. "Yeah boss! What… what?" he was confused. Why was everybody staring at him?

"Are you with us?"

"No… yes… what?"

"Hey, Tony, are you ok?" McGee asked looking at the pale face of his friend.

"I… I need to go out!" Saying those words Tony bolted and disappeared into the elevator.

Xxx

It was so quiet everywhere, only the moon was disturbing this perfect place with its light. Tony was walking on autopilot, not hearing or seeing anything around him, only a teasing voice saying the same words over and over again kept him company.'…You're alone. Now and forever you're alone… alone… forever.'

He'd had no destination when he'd left NCIS, just taken the first right and kept on going, only stopping to take his bearings when he realized he was totally lost. Now it was late, some time around midnight, and he was still walking; empty streets, a bar in front of him. Going in, everywhere was quiet, everywhere but inside himself. 'You're alone.' Entering it, he turned on his phone, ignoring the multiple messages, and dialed.

"Anthony?" It was Anthony Dinozzo Senior, voice confused and a little sleep blurred. "What are you calling me about? It's the middle of the night! Are you ok?"

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Tony yelled, his blood was boiling.

"You little, ungrateful crap, what are you blaming me for now?"

"About what you did to me, father."

"You had a home, food to eat, everything. What more do you want from me?"

"I wanted a father, someone who cared… Now, it's your fault." Tony hung up and headed for a seat at the bar. "Vodka, please."

Xxx

Back in NCIS, everything was going wrong. Something in this case was strange but Gibbs just couldn't concentrate on what, his mind was on Tony.

"McGee, did you get anything?" Gibbs' anger at the situation came out in his voice.

"Not yet." McGee was a little bit scared of his boss.

"We haven't managed to track down Carter's second cell phone yet, it's still off." Ziva decided to save McGee.

"Keep trying! I need coffee!"

"Yes, boss."

Xxx

It was five am, but everybody was in the NCIS building, even Abby – well, almost everybody. Gibbs got some coffee and went back to his team, hoping Tony would have returned. But he was wrong. The lead agent was as furious as he was concerned about his SFA. His gut was telling him something was really wrong.

"Abby! Stop that music or I'll stop it my way!" He went into Abby's lab, bringing her Caf-Pow.

Abby couldn't believe her ears. Gibbs had never spoken to her like that before. "Gibbs, what's going on?"

"Sorry, Abs, just… Tony."

"What about him, Gibbs?" Obviously the goth hadn't heard about what had happened in the bullpen.

"He was distracted, then he went out and just disappeared. In the middle of a case, a case about a missing child!" He was yelling again.

"I'll track his phone, wait a second…Oh, no, no, no!"

"What?"

"It's off. Sorry Gibbs."

"Don't need to say it." He kissed her cheek and handed her the Caf-Pow

"Gibbs, when he comes back I'll kill him! Well, I might hug him first, but then I'll kill him!"

Xxx

Tony was still sitting in that bar, maybe just a bit more than slightly drunk. He looked at his watch; it was six am. Gibbs will kill me, he thought. I have to go back to my job, if I still have one. The agent stood up and reeled. Wow, I've drunk a little bit more than I thought. Easy Anthony, good, now let's pay… $35? How many glasses have I had? Doesn't matter. I can work, that's all that's important now.

Xxx

The situation in NCIS was coming to a head, with a furious, worried, Gibbs, still missing Tony and no more leads to help their case.

"Gibbs, we may have something." Ziva yelled to Gibbs who was in the other corner of the room, trying to contact his wayward agent.

"What?"

"It seems Carter isn't the biological father of Bobby. He adopted him 6 years ago, but his real father is Nicolay Peterson, born in Russia but spent his life in the U.S.A. Well, most of it in prison. He was released 6 months ago."

"What had he done?"

"Two robberies, three assaults, pick-pocketing. Nothing big, but altogether were equal to 11years in prison. First for 4 years, then one year out and then 7 more in."

"Find him!"

Xxx

Seven am. "Bing" It was the elevator. Tony came out of it, shaking, clothes rumpled, the normally immaculate agent walked a decidedly unsteady line to the bullpen. Everybody stared at him. Abby and Ducky were up too, discussing some evidence. Gibbs couldn't believe his eyes; he didn't want to believe them.

"What do we have, boss?" Tony asked cheerfully, he didn't notice all the looks.

"Anthony Dinozzo!" Abby slapped him before giving him a hug.

"Hey, what was that for?"

"Tony, are you crazy or what?" Gibbs was almost speechless. This couldn't be the man he knew; this wasn't Tony, only a shell of his son. "God, you're a federal agent. Come on, I'm driving you home. And this time we're having a long conversation."

"I'm fine, I can drive. Actually I drove through three intersections to get here 'cuz I have abandoned my car."

"You did what?" McGee was amazed.

"It's not a big deal, Probie. I'm fine."

"Yeah we know that… Now stand up and go! ….I want Peterson here, now!" Grabbing Tony's arm Gibbs forcibly steered his agent back towards the elevator.

Xxx

The drive to Tony's apartment was silent. Gibbs was angry, worried and sad beyond words. This wasn't the Tony he had known for eight years, it couldn't be. Tony was drunk, his head lolling against the passenger side window.

"I'll never drink vodka again, boss." Those were his only words, his head was aching very badly.

"You won't, Dinozzo, I can guarantee you that."

Gibbs stopped the car and hauled his pliant agent out of the vehicle and into the building. Slamming open the door the older man pushed a stumbling Tony into the dark, messy apartment that looked as if it hadn't been cleaned for weeks. "Sit!" Gibbs barked.

"Actually I was thinking of lying down, boss."

"You'll sleep when I'm done." He pushed him down onto the plush leather couch.

"It won't happen again, I promise. Now can I sleep?"

"Tony, what's going on with you? And don't tell me you're fine. Look – have you drunk all these?" Gibbs pointed to the bottles scattered all around. "That's not the right way to deal with this situation, Tony," his voice gentled.

"Then what should it be, boss?" Gibbs had never heard Tonys' voice like that – hopeless, with no emotions, painful. The younger agent was so vulnerable, fragile; like a kid.

"Not that way." Giving up his intended lecture as a lost cause, he pulled up Tony's legs onto the couch and removed his shoes so that he was no longer slouched but more or less stretched out, and grabbing a throw pillow he tucked it under the already nearly unconscious head. Rummaging through the room he came up with a blanket that he threw on top of the sprawled man, as well he placed a glass of water and bottle of aspirin nearby. "Now you can sleep. See you tomorrow - sober." A mumble and a nod his only answer.

Saying those words Gibbs went out, entered his car and start driving. A little tear cropped from his eye.

xxx

Guys, I have huge problem - I have only few ideas left. So, please, be nice with a girl who wants to satisfy her readers and give me some ideas. Tell me what you'd like to see in the next chapters :)