Matsu's Notes:

Since Zaf is a kind soul that weeps silently as I drag her through the gore, she's slipped in some fluff for those of you who like that sort of thing.

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This account is made up of Zafona and Touta Matsuda together. This is a repost of OUR OWN FIC.


Steve stared angrily down at the laptop Pepper had given him, his brow furrowing together then apart and again back together as he tried to figure the darn thing out. Pepper had told him that Tony insisted he have one, said that if he was going to get to know technology he'd better just jump right in. Steve didn't know what to do with the thing, computers, the way they were used in that era, hadn't even been unveiled in Steve's time. Not that he was paying attention though, kind of busy fighting and other things.

Regardless, here he was with a laptop open, it had been set up for him and now he could do what he wanted with it. Apparently Pepper had taken it upon herself to add his favourite novels onto it and a bunch more she thought he should read. Internet access had been granted and he could get online whenever he pleased. Movies that were dubbed important to the last 70 years had also been put somewhere on the hard drive, clearly the thing was meant for him to use it as a way tocatchup with reality.

He didn't like it. Steve closed the thing and left it on the coffee table, picking up his sketchbook again and wandering to Tony's workshop. He found himself heading that way a lot though he often felt uneasy about it and left before he actually entered it. This time he wanted to go inside, go talk to the billionaire and possibly distract him from working so hard. Then again, Tony would probably expect him to have the laptop in hand and using it, considering it was a gift,stateof the art and all the things Steve didn't want. He sighed heavily and went to retrieve it, carrying it along with his sketchbook to show that he had it at least. He smiled to himself, maybe today would be the day he told him, when he was awake this time.

"Tony?" Steve called into the room as he entered, not caring that his arrival was alerted with a ding, he was allowed to announce himself if he wanted to. He heard two voices a little further inside and noticed Bruce sitting beside Tony, leaning over him from behind to point out different whatevers on their work. Steve shifted awkwardly and thought he might have to leave, interrupting 'science time' didn't go well usually. He glanced down at the laptop in his hand and felt a sinking in his chest, he wasn't telling Tony anything today, it seemed.

"Hey cap." Bruce glanced up with a smile, noticing the technology in the man's arms and raised an eyebrow, "Having trouble?"

Steve frowned and shook his head, "No, it's fine." He said defensively. "Just because I'm carrying it doesn't mean I'm having problems with it."

Tony bit back a laugh at the captain's expense. He seemed like such a child at times, more stubborn than one would originally imagine. Tony didn't blame Bruce for the assessment; to Tony it seemed more like an observation than an assumption.

Both of Bruce's eyebrows lifted and he glanced down at Tony then back at the furious looking captain, "Right. Sorry, I was just going with the pattern of... never mind. How are you liking it?"

Steve glanced down at the hunk of metal in his arms and shrugged, "I'm not really." He looked at Tony for a moment then back at Bruce and finally down to their work table. "I'm interrupting; I'll let you get back to... that..." He stiffly turned around and walked out, lifting the laptop and his sketchbook to softly bonk himself in the face before disappearing into the elevator.

Tony wasn't sure if he should feel offended or guilty. On the one hand, he'd gone out of his way to prepare the laptop for Steve; had it outfitted with the best of the best with all the bells and whistles. He'd even been the one to add all the movies and other subtly educational things, demanding Pepper never reveal his more intimate involvement with it. She'd asked him 'so then who did put that there?' and he'd simply told her to take the credit. He'd even made sure the damn thing was running his own home made Unix OS to make it run as simply and smoothly as possible. So to have it go unappreciated seemed a waste, but on the other hand, Tony had known full well that he was forcing the item onto Steve, rather than actually gifting him with it.

"Okay..." Bruce shrugged, "That was... weird."

"Very," Tony quickly agreed. He was sad to see Steve go, and even went so far as to realize that the man probably felt left out, like a third wheel. "He could have stayed..." Tony lamented aloud. He wished Steve would have stayed, they really didn't talk enough, not even by Tony's own standards, and he found himself frequently missing the man that he could just as easily walk upstairs and speak with. He never figured out why he didn't.


Tony knew it would be awhile before they saw Trevor again when the white noise came back over the speakers, it's familiar high pitched ring piercing straight to his ears. It interfered with their sleep, and it interfered with their concentration. Combined with the ever-present and unchanging cold hue of the fluorescent lighting it was an effective form of sensory deprivation and sensory overload at the same time. Sleep was essential to functioning, basic thought, and healing. Without proper sleep cycles their biorhythms fell out of proper sync and affect a multitude of other bodily and cognitive functions. The world outside of this warehouse no longer existed to them, and their world within their confines was a blur.

"Hey, Steve?"

"Yeah Tony?" Steve answered softly, his eyes closed and though he tried he still couldn't sleep.

"Nothing," in truth, Tony just wanted to hear Steve's voice. In the past few hours- days, weeks, it had somehow become increasingly important, urgent even, to know that his captain was there. It gave him an ounce of solace to know that he wasn't alone here, like Yinsen had given him in Afghanistan. Someone there to tell him to keep fighting, to remind him that there was a world out there, that as long as he was alive, there was still hope for a tomorrow. Steve didn't need to say all of that, Tony already knew Steve would tell him that if it's what he needed to hear. Steve's presence said it all, and as long as that man was still strong in spirit, Tony felt he could keep up his side of the bargain, keep the only promise he had with him, the only duty and responsibility that he had to anyone.

Steve glanced up; looking at Tony's strapped down form, knowing he looked basically the same. They both looked like hell, and that was being friendly. He smiled a little though it wasn't anywhere close to strong, he knew it too. "Just wanted to hear me say something, huh?" He asked just as softly as he had moments before. His voice was cracked and he could hear himself rasping and wondered really how comforting it was to hear him say anything at all. But talking meant he was alive, that must have been what Tony was angling for.

As much as the captain wanted to say something inspiring, something he could look back on and retell in stories, he was starting to think he might not be able to. His mind was a mess, the entire time trying to sleep or trying to find a way out. He failed. Tony was going to die first, he knew that much. He couldn't bear it, couldn't take the thought that someone was dying right in the same room as him and there was nothing he could do. He was helpless, useless, and right there but he couldn't save Tony. A sob surprised him and he quickly bit back a wave he knew would follow, "I'm sorry, Tony." He said as steadily as he could, "I should have gotten us out of here already." He knew how it sounded, he knew it.

It sounded like he quit, and Tony didn't miss is. He stared across the room, his one brown eye large and searching, outlined by days worth of rings from sleeplessness. Steve couldn't quit, he'd promised that he wouldn't quit, for Tony, for both of them. "You don't have to be sorry," Tony offered, hopeful that Steve would stick around, that Steve would stick it through, "you don't have to be sorry: you just have to be strong."

Steve glanced up when he heard the desperation in Tony's voice, the fear that Steve would break down, give up, and let Tony's only hope of escape fail him even further. 'I can't do that you. I can't...' He thought as he grit his teeth, thinking of something better to say, something more encouraging. "We'll be okay." He reaffirmed as strongly as possible, "We'll get out of here." Steve knew very well that not once had he followed those statements with 'I promise' as of late.

Tony nodded slowly and repeated, "We'll be okay, we'll get out of here." His one eye remained fixed on Steve's while the other injured eye drifted its gaze about aimlessly. Without the aid of an eyelid and functioning tear duct to blink away the festering bacteria, a layer of pussing scab had enveloped most of Tony's left socket, his greyed-out eyeball free to float around within its liquid casing.

It hurt to hear Steve sound so weak, and even though it shouldn't have it truly surprised Tony. Steve was his shield, and that shield was breaking. Of course Steve wasn't invincible, he wasn't perfect and he wasn't immortal. Given the captain's super strengths, his torment had been that much more intense, that much more focused. Tony hardly had the faculties to form rational thought any longer, and all that really directed his thoughts were the baser emotions of his mid-brain structures. Emotions were the ruling force, and fear only lasted so long before it gave way to something else, something darker.

In the waves of confused and extreme emotion, there were the few strongest that stood out: anger at the injustice and fear of death. Anger gave way to frustration, and to feelings of helplessness and finally a persistent existence of hopelessness. Fear... well, fear of pain is like fear of the unknown, of the possibility. When pain has already visited you, and will assuredly visit you again, there is no unknown. When death ceases to be a probability and becomes a certainty, there is nothing left to fear. Only an end to desire. But Tony didn't long for death as he thought he would, and he knew there would never again be a 'normal' to return to. It was stupid, and it was illogical –but logic had already abandoned him, hadn't it? Without fear, without death, and without hope Tony had only one constant, and that was Steve. Since his capture at the Expo, Steve had been there. The very first episode of panic, Steve had talked him through, and every sting of pain and agony Steve lived through with him, and then some. Steve was his center.

And likewise for Steve, Tony was the only other person he could think about, was the only thing he cared about. Death and fear for himself aside, he could handle his own, what he couldn't handle was the thought of Tony suffering beside him. So close and yet so far away. Steve had had a lingering crush for a while already and though he'd never been able to say so to a conscious Tony, he felt they had a connection. It was unspoken most of the time and it was difficult to pinpoint in this mess, but he knew there was something between them before all of this. That something was only strengthened with the added anxiety and torment; he felt he not only wanted Tony to be with him, he needed it. He ached for the simplest of kind touches, just a little brush of the shoulder or even a nudge under a table. Anything other than a sharp object poking into him or something cold tying him down.

Steve didn't know if a right time or a right place was ever going to grace him. He wanted to make it special, to tell Tony how he felt in the soft comfort of their home in dimmed lighting. To feel the romanticism in it all and kiss him, hold him and... None of that seemed possible now, and he was feeling a strong urge to say it. He needed to say it. He wasn't sure if it was the desperation of his predicament, the yearning to hear something kind, or anything, he just knew he had to say it.

"Tony," Steve managed the name after a long pause, "I... can I tell you something?" He held his breath a little as he waited for Tony's answer, heart racing a little. He didn't often confess feelings, with Peggy it had remained an unspoken thing, he hadn't actually out right told someone 'I like you' but he was going to do it now.

Tony smiled weakly, "What's with the hesitation?" It was supposed to be a quip, it was supposed to a light-hearted, quick witted comment but all that came out was a quiet, flat statement-like question. Tony lamented his lack-lustre self, only one of many things he'd assuredly lost in the time passed. "Ask away."

"I've... I uh..." Steve laughed softly, shaking his head at his own awkwardness. "Now might be an awful time, but I like you." Now he really held his breath, looking up with a half smirk on his face.

And there was nothing more simple than that, was there? Tony supposed that he didn't see any point in dressing it up either. He laughed bitterly, "That's it, huh? Dying words already?" Tony couldn't help but wonder who the words were for, he was going to die first, and they both knew it. Shouldn't it be Tony's role to drop that bomb?

Steve looked hurt by the response but quickly tried to swallow that down, "No, Tony... I'm not giving you a dying speech, that would be much more thought out and quite frankly I think it'd be a tad more depressing and tear-filled." He sighed heavily and leaned his head back, was this not tear-filled? He could feel the sting behind his eyes and ache in his chest, were these dying words? No, he wasn't dying. "You know... It was pretty hard for me to say that out loud," he confessed softly, "The least you could do is... I don't know... never mind I guess, sorry I said it." He shook his head and scrunched up his face in an attempt to keep his emotions in. His mind was tired, his strength was hanging by a thread half the time, he was doing his best not to look fazed by Tony's reply but he was doing a poor job of it.

Tony felt a stab of pain in his chest. He really was impossible to talk to, wasn't he? It occurred to him then that that was the confession he was kind of waiting for. For the past several months, with Steve Rogers as the resident shadow of Stark Tower, there had been an unspoken tension between him and Tony. There were the passing glances that had slowly evolved into lingering gazes, the late nights in the shop with unexpected company, and Tony figured that this was the culmination of whatever that nagging feeling was in the back of his mind every time he left Steve alone with words unspoken. But what could he possibly do about it now? Now that they were both as good as dead, hanging on to a fictional shiny golden wire of hope. They had no chance at a future, and Tony was sure returning these feelings would cause more pain than pleasure. The question remained: did refusal to acknowledge his muddled and unsorted feelings make them any less real? Tony couldn't bring himself to say it, couldn't drag himself to that edge and make himself all that much more vulnerable in spite of everything that's happened.

"You're sorry you said that you liked me?" Tony tried to keep a level gaze with Steve, but even as he said the words he felt like an ass. He was only trying to protect himself, trying to save himself a little bit of hurt. Tony didn't know how he'd justify this to himself, how he could honestly believe that he'd get away with allowing Steve to put himself out there like that, alone, and let him fall. "Well you shouldn't be," I don't want you to be.

Steve smiled sadly, "I'm not sorry that I... that I put myself out there, I'm sorry it's put you in an awkward position." He bit the corner of his lip and dragged his teeth along it as he thought about what to say next. 'You shouldn't be sorry' wasn't a return of his feelings, he was painfully aware of it. A stronger, heavier weight rested on his chest and he had to swallow it down, past the physical pain, past the emotional stress and gave Tony the firmest smile he could muster though it quivered as felt his wall slip, a tear escaping down his cheek. "It's okay that you don't feel the same way-"

"NO!" Tony shouted at Steve, louder than he intended, with more force than he thought he was capable of. The tears were rolling down his cheeks again. He didn't understand it, he wasn't in pain, wasn't in fear of pain but still... "No, Steve. That's not what I meant to say," Tony choked back a sob –he couldn't do it, he couldn't let Steve suffer like that just to save himself a shred of... well, Tony supposed it was nothing anyway. "I like you too, Steve. I like you a lot, a lot more than I thought I was capable of." Tony took a long, shuddery breath. "I didn't recognize it for what it was at first, I was mad at you. I thought you were doing something. Pestering me. It was distracting, and I thought you were doing it on purpose but you weren't doing anything. You were being you, and that was distracting enough, because you were more interesting than my work. You were more interesting than anything else I had going on, even while planning the Expo..." Tony knew he'd started rambling, he'd opened that door and everything was pouring out, like a child's closet that was hurriedly stuffed with every toy in the room. His chest ached from the strain, and he wished that he could've said something more meaningful than 'I like you.'

"Really?" Steve laughed softly, he couldn't believe he'd been so down on himself that he'd actually missed that, that Tony had been trying to confess right back. "You don't know how happy I am to hear that," he inhaled shakily, attempting to even out his breathing. "We'll get out and when we do I'm going to hug you." It was the strongest sentiment he could say out loud, Steve had always been a more reserved kind of man, admitting to a hug was pretty extreme.

Tony smiled at that, "You have no idea what I'd give for a hug right now." He chuckled dryly, "I'd really like that." It hadn't been so hard, and if anything, Tony felt a little more resolve to hang in there.

"Yeah..." Steve closed his eyes with a smile, "Me too."


Zafona's Notes:

That chapter wasn't so bad, was it? :3 See, we aren't always evil.

Thanks even more to you guys for sticking through with this story. I know why not a lot of people speak up to review this kind of thing, it's pretty twisted and what can you say other than 'oh god why'?