Chapter 7
Santana sat on the couch waiting for Brittany to arrive at her house. When she got home from the hospital she managed to take a two hour nap so she was feeling a little less tired than earlier in the day when she turned down Brittany's invitation to get together that night. After her nap she kept thinking about how she really would like to see Brittany so she took a chance and asked her over for pizza. She was kind of surprised when Brittany said yes after she'd turned Brittany down earlier. Brittany said she'd be there in 30 minutes so she should be there any minutes.
The doorbell rang and Santana walked over to answer it, taking a deep breath and letting it out before opening the door. When she opened the door there stood Brittany. Santana had never thought she would see the day Brittany was standing outside her door. They just stood there for a few seconds before Santana found her voice. "I'm sorry come in." Santana moved to the side so Brittany could enter the house.
"This is a really nice house." Brittany said as she looked around taking in her surroundings.
"Thanks, it's small but I don't need much room. There are two bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a small kitchen and living room. The back yard is a good size though considering the size of the house. The pizza should be here any minute. I ordered both a Hawaiian and a plain cheese because I wasn't sure if you still liked Hawaiian."
"It's still my favorite. I can't believe you remembered that."
"How could I forget, just think how many pizzas we ate in high school and then in college." Santana looked away when she mentioned college because that's when she left Brittany.
The doorbell rang, "That must be the pizza I'll be right back. The kitchen is right through there if you want to look in the refrigerator for something to drink."
Santana paid the pizza delivery guy and walked into the kitchen placing the two pizza boxes on the table. It was then she noticed Brittany was standing with a cupboard door opened holding a coffee mug. Santana swallowed hard because she knew what mug Brittany was looking at. "Pizza is here." Santana said in quiet voice not to scare Brittany.
Brittany didn't turn around to look at Santana she just kept staring at the mug in her hand. "I decided I wanted apple juice so I figured it would be ok to look for a glass in your cupboard."
Santana didn't know whether to act like she hadn't seen the mug in Brittany's hand or say something about it. She decided to act like she hadn't seen it. "Did you find a glass?"
Brittany was silent for a few moments. "I can't believe you still have this." Brittany turned around holding up the mug that had a rainbow on it and in purple lettering the words 'Brittany & Santana Forever'. Brittany had made the mug for Santana when they were seniors in high school.
Santana walked over to Brittany and took the mug from her hand. "I would never get rid of this. I've used it almost every day since you gave it to me including the past twenty years. I guess it was my way of having you in my everyday life even when we weren't together. If this mug could talk it would tell quite a story. This mug was with me in the hospital when I was admitted for my treatments and bone marrow transplant. It was with when I was up late studying when I went to med school. It's been like a part of you has always been with me. I drank my morning coffee from it the day I saw you at the hospital for the first time with Em. Little did I know that day you would come back into my life."
Brittany felt her emotions bubbling to the surface but she was able to hold them back. She had been so conflicted since seeing Santana again. At times she was angry at Santana and other times she wanted to just hold her because she'd missed her.
Santana noticed Brittany standing there and could tell she was deep in thought so she went to the cupboard and got out two glasses and two plates. She poured them both some apple juice. "Here's your plate." Santana handed Brittany her plate before opening both pizza boxes. Santana put a slice of each kind of pizza on both of their plates. "We can go in and eat in the living room." Brittany holding her plate and glass of apple juice followed Santana into the living room. Santana sat on the couch and put her plate and glass on the table. Brittany hesitated but then sat down on the couch placing her plate and glass on the coffee table beside Santana's. Santana put coasters under both of their glasses.
They ate in silence for several minutes. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence but it was clear neither woman knew what to say to break the ice. "I'm glad Em was feeling a bit better and getting a break from being sick from the chemo." Santana finally said.
"Me too. It's so difficult to watch her get so sick and feel so bad. I wish I could trade places with her."
Santana nodded, "The parents of my patients tell me that all of the time."
There was the silence again. "You know you have been a part of my life too over the years even though you weren't physically there."
Santana had no idea what to say to Brittany's statement so she said the only words she could think of. "I don't know what to say except I'm sorry."
Brittany took Santana's hand and looked into her eyes. "When I graduated from college you were there, when I got my first job as a preschool teacher you were there, when I decided to have a baby you were there, when I chose the sperm donor you were there, when I found out I was pregnant you were there, the day Emilia was born you were there, the day I got the job as Director of a preschool here in LA you were there, and the day I found out Em had leukemia you were there. I know it probably wasn't emotionally the healthiest way to live my life but having you be a part of my life even if it was only in my mind was the only way I knew how to live. When all of those things happened I thought what it would be like to have you by side that day." Brittany stopped and took a drink of her apple juice to help swallow down the emotions she was feeling.
Santana sat there not knowing what to say so she waited and a few minutes Brittany continued. "I know you're sorry for leaving me without explaining why. I can see the regret every time I look into your eyes. Even though we weren't together I always carried you in my heart so you were a part of my life. You've always been there to give me strength. Santana, we can't change the past but we can look forward to the future. I know both of our feelings have been all over the place since seeing each other again. The first few days one minute I wanted you back in my life because I missed you and then the next minute I didn't want anything to do with you because I was angry at you for leaving me. However, now I know what I would like to happen between us."
Brittany didn't continue so Santana decided to ask. "What would like to happen between us?"
"San, I really would like for us to be together again. It's clear we both still love each other. I don't think it's a coincidence that neither one of us has found someone else to spend our lives with. There's one person for me and that's you. Some people would probably think I was crazy for trusting you again with my heart and with my daughter's heart too. However, my instincts are telling me that you wouldn't just up and leave like you did before. I know you thought you were doing the right thing for me but you forgot the right thing for me is to be with you no matter what life throws at us. You wanted to save me from possibly watching you die but you ended not only hurting me but hurting yourself too. We've lost twenty years of memories we could've shared and I'm don't want to give up any more memories we could share."
Santana squeezed Brittany's hand as tears fell down her face. "I don't know what to say…I…um…all I've ever wanted for was us to be together. Many times over the years I thought about contacting you but something always stopped me."
"What stopped you?" Brittany asked in a very quiet voice.
"I was afraid you had found someone else to love. I mean don't get me wrong I wished all of the time that you were happy and had someone to love you. It's just a part me didn't want to face the fact that it might be true."
Brittany used her finger to brush away the tears that were falling down Santana's face. "I thought about finding you too especially when my parents told me the reason you left me. To be honest the reason I didn't look for you was because if you were happy with someone else I didn't want to complicate things in anyway. I figured with everything you had been through you deserved to be happy."
Santana reached out and held Brittany's hand. "Britt, I promise if we are together again that I won't just up and leave for any reason. If tomorrow I found out my leukemia came back…"
Santana was interrupted by Brittany, "We would deal with it together. I don't want to spend one more day without you." Brittany's tears fell and she started to sob.
Santana pulled her into her arms and whispered in her ear. "I'm not going anywhere this time I promise. I want us to be together and I want to be there for you and Em." Santana rubbed Brittany's back to calm her down.
When Brittany calmed down she pulled away from the hug to look into Santana's eyes. "Em and you have a special bond already. We just need to take it slow and get used to being with each other again, although, right now it feels like we were never a part."
"I can't put into words how much I've missed you. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and I've never stopped loving you." Santana looked into Brittany's eyes and then leaned in closer. At first their lips just grazed but all it took was one slight move from Santana and they were kissing each other. The kiss was slow and gentle so they could savor each moment. When the kiss ended Santana looked into Brittany's eyes and got lost, "That kiss felt just like all of the other times I've kissed you, like it was the first time."
"I love you Santana."
"I love you too Britt."
They sat on the couch for awhile, Brittany's head resting on Santana's shoulder, they did speak because no more words were needed for right now. Brittany yawned. "I guess I'd better get home. My father should be home from the hospital now since visiting hours are over." Brittany yawned again.
"Ok, you look exhausted. I'm so glad your parents and my parents are taking turns spending time with Em so you can rest." Santana said as she and Brittany got up from the couch and walked to the front door. They stood there for a few minutes before Brittany pulled Santana into a hug and held on tightly like her life depended on being in physical contact with Santana.
"Britt, do you want to stay here tonight?" Santana whispered in Brittany's ear. Brittany didn't answer she just nodded her head yes. "Let me take care of the pizza and our dishes, and then I'll show you my guest room. It's nothing fancy just a twin bed but it's comfortable or you can sleep in my bed and I'll take the guest room." Neither of them made a move to end their hug.
"I want to sleep with you." Brittany words tickled on Santana's neck as she spoke them. Santana swallowed hard at Brittany's words which Brittany noticed and couldn't help but smile a little over the reaction. "I just want us to hold each other because I've missed that the most. I feel so safe in your arms and right now I need to feel safe." Tears fell down Brittany's face once again.
"You'll always be safe in my arms just like I know I'll always be safe in yours." Santana kissed Brittany's cheek.
The two finally ended the hug long enough to take care of the pizza and their dishes. Santana gave Brittany some shorts and a tank top to sleep in. Brittany sent a text to her father letting him know she was spending the night at Santana's. She didn't go into detail.
When they got into bed Santana was a little nervous which wasn't anything new because being around Brittany had always made her a little nervous but a good nervous. However, as soon as their arms were wrapped around each other and their legs entwined all of the nerves were gone and replaced with a feeling of comfort and peace. For the first time since Santana left her, Brittany felt safe and loved.
Across town Maribel and Carlos had just gotten into bed when her phone sounded letting her know she had a text message so she picked her phone up off the nightstand to read it.
From Susan Pierce: Brittany is spending the night at Santana's.
Maribel got a big smile on her face after reading the text.
To Susan Pierce: I have a feeling our prayers are going to be answered. Hope you and Em have a good night.
From Susan Pierce: Em is sleeping soundly. Our girls belong together and they've already lost so much time not being together. Good night Maribel.
To Susan Pierce: Happy Em is sleeping soundly. Time is precious and our girls realize that now. Good night Susan.
A/N – Thanks for reading and reviewing.
