After my visit to the asylum I left dazed and confused, I couldn't remember where I parked the car and I guess finally after some aimless wandering I stumbled upon it by sheer luck. The drive back to the cave went the same as when I happened upon the car. I drove aimlessly for over an hour through the back alleys of the city and eventually made it across the Bob Kane Memorial Bridge and from there to Wayne Manor.
I parked the car in the cave and trod my way to the elevator that led to the mansion above. The place felt like a tomb since my parents were killed all those years ago and even with Alfred there in that massive place I still felt alone. Alfred was like a father to after their deaths and still is in many ways.
I don't remember how long I sat there in the dark not being able to close my eyes to sleep, I was even afraid to blink for fear that whatever demon or demons that were haunting me would get me right there. The curve-ball had transformed into some intangible horror stalking me, hunting me and every time I closed my eyes something screamed at me from out of the dark like a banshee, "FAILURE!"
Then of course there was that laughter taunting me, teasing me like a hyena in the night. Damn you Joker, what have you done to me? Damn you to hell you sick bastard.
The sun had risen when Alfred found me in the study with my suit still on and asleep in the desk chair and my head resting on my forearms, "Sir?" he asked as he touched my shoulder. "Are you alright Master Bruce? What happened last night?"
"Alfred? What… what's going on?" I asked.
"It would appear that you slept right here at the desk in the study with you suit still on. At least you took the cowl off I see."
Right then reality hit me like a kick in the groin and the entire world tumbled in on me and that sinking feeling overwhelmed me once more. I guess it must have been oh so very obvious to Alfred while I sat there trying to look calm while inside I was plummeting rapidly down the rabbit hole.
"Sir, if I may, you seem as though you are carrying the world upon your shoulders. Perhaps it would help if you talked about it."
Minutes, long minutes it seemed, dragged by at a snail's pace and eventually I just blurted the question out, "Alfred, am I a failure as the Joker proclaimed me? Did I fail Gertie and the doctor?"
"Sir?" Alfred asked clearly confused.
I saw the confusion on his face and elaborated, "After he was arrested at the cathedral the Joker was screaming at me while they dragged him down the stairs. 'You failed BATMAN! You're a failure! FAILURE!' First those words echoed of the walls like the collective laughter of hyenas and afterward his hideous laughter replace those words resounding within the bell house almost as though it were the bells themselves laughing.
"The scene at the apartment and the visit to the Joker set something loose inside of me, a monster, a malignant specter bent on wreaking havoc on my mind and I feel like I am damaged goods, broken and tattered. I can't fully explain this state I am in and I don't know what it is I am feeling. It's kind of like having lost something important, but not being sure of exactly what it is that's missing. Almost as if some integral part of me is gone, leaving a gaping hole of mixed feelings and emotions, the turmoil threatening to overwhelm, destroy and plunge me into a bottomless mire. For the first time since I can remember I doubt myself and my ability to do what needs to be done.
"I sat here alone in the study and it was quiet beyond anything I have ever experienced. I sat here enfolded in the dark while doubt and despair stalked me frightening away all reason, time and again whispering, 'failure! failure! failure!' It is as though everything I know myself to be has gone and all that is left is this empty shell. Is it me or is it cold in here Alfred?" I said and fell quiet.
"No sir, it is not cold inside the manor as well you should know that it is summer and quite warm. I suggest that you get of that suit and then go take a long relaxing bath and perhaps afterward get some sleep. It could be that you are overly tired. I will prepare something for you to eat you look a tad pale, have you been eating?"
I knew that Alfred had asked a question, that he was talking to me as I heard him clearly, but my mind was elsewhere.
Alfred touched my shoulder again and said, "Sir please go and get ready, while I run you a bath."
I got up and plodded to my room where I undressed and got ready for the bath. As I sat on my bed the whispers and the laughter, my inner demons returned, 'failure! failure! failure!' Hahahahah ahahahahh ahah aha aha ahahaha hahahhhaa ahahhahah!
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