~Still Dark

I can't. I'm back in my room now. I can't write about it – I just want to run.

I ran. I went outside, staggered and stuttered nonsense where no one would see or hear me. She, we – I'm – it was awful. It was all so wrong. I don't know – I didn't know. I just went there, and I had no idea what I was going to do. The moment of it -

All I knew was that when the moment came, I wanted to be ready. I wanted to not be afraid. I wanted not to hesitate – I wanted just to take it and…. I did.

I went to her room. It was dark and we were alone. She disappeared behind the curtains of her four-poster bed. I knew she was undressing. I was afraid. My heart was beating so hard I swore somehow she could feel the vibrations from across the room. And somehow, my blood rushing in my ears – I shifted from fear to determination, to sheer will.

Driven. I turned back to her. She was laying there naked, pale, white limbs draped across emerald green sheets. I held her in my eyes. I saw her darkness. I felt dead. My mind shut off, all thought stopped and I was a rush of blood. Barely breathing. Lust. Her eyes narrowed, and told me to come to her. Darkness – my feet upon the stone floor… my hands and knees on her sheets.

Her hard body in my arms. Her face in mine. Ice-cold amethyst eyes, raven black locks spilling over her, over me… She arched back onto the sheets, my hands on her waist, her hands on my shoulders. She offered herself to me. There was no hesitation. I pressed into her, she opened herself to me – she – her, and not you. I hated you so much in that instant. But she, she and you – I would I have called out to you in that moment – it was her, only her. She gave herself – tome – and I – gave myself to her. I drove into her. Her feverish heat, cold stare of a dragon, as soft as velvet inside. Saliva, darkly sweet poison, red lips. Sweat, the snowstorm outside. She dug her finger nails into my flesh, grabbed at her breasts, she breathed into my grasp – she dug her fingers deeper into me and I drove deeper into her. Sick.

It was, its – just… wrong. It was horrible - and I loved it. I fucked the hell out of her. And then she turned. She grabbed me, flipped me onto my back, pushed me down by my shoulders onto her sheets and mounted me. She bit me, hard. She bit my lower lip, she bit my shoulders, she pushed me down and then she fucked the hell out of me.

We went off on each other. It was violent, it was sick. It was a sin.

I'd say she bewitched me, ensnared me with some wretched tincture but I know she did not – for I would know every form of love inducing potion she could possibly use. I've made them all. I've stared at them, paralyzed by the fear of their horrific powers. I stared transfixed, always knowing that I could never curse Lily in that way – ever. No. Tisiphone did not do this to me. I came to her of my own will.

I know Tisiphone did not use love potion on me. I do not love her.

What we did, that was not love. That had nothing to do with love.

I feel somehow further stained by this act. I am no longer pure.

So I am no longer pure. I was never pure to begin with.

~Tuesday – Potions Class

We snuck out again last night. We went in the woods again, at what has now become our very own special place at the fire – her fire. Avery, he's been talking about his new hero. Some wizard Rodolphus knows. Avery wants us all to go see him. Whatever I have no objections. Fine.

I sat there. The smell of burnt wood and smoke filled my lungs. Fire snapped in my face. Over the heat, light and popping of the fire I barely heard what he said. Tisiphone was at my side. Our hands clasped together. Our fingers interlaced, our twin Serpent rings overlapped. For a moment, I almost thought us… but we're not. This isn't love. It just felt good, physically to have a woman wrap her arm around my waist.

I wanted so much to hug Lily for so long… But there I was with in the woods with out her. Tisi's arm draped around me… The heat from her hand on my stomach, close enough to actually feel each other breathe. It's more awkward, embracing is – then I dreamed it would be with Lily. But there is no mistaking it. This is not love. Still, I stayed unmoving, starred unblinking… Tisiphone's dark hair in the firelight. She curled her fingers into my hair and she pulled. It hurt.

I feel she is using me. She seems now to be this, wicked woman who takes me from my innocent love. Tisiphone and I are not innocent – anything but. And there it is. We are not innocent. I am not innocent. It me – I am wicked. I am evil. I gave in - I sinned against Lily. And yet even as that guilt consumed my thoughts, I did take my arm from Tisiphone's shoulder.

I am so tainted…. Lily is a pure hearted Angel. Lily transfigures teacups innocently into rats. Tisi transfigures her wand into a riding crop. Her wand is now permanently in the form of a riding crop – she never turns it back. Lily is the sweet Gryffindor whom I studied with when I was a wounded, but pure hearted child. Tisi is this, bad Slytherin girl who sneaks out, smokes pot and throws rocks. Tisiphone does terrible things to me. I am no longer pure with her, and I am becoming less so with each passing day that I spend in her cruel embrace. Tease, for this cannot possibly last.

Who knows how many people she's done it with before me? I cannot help but wonder if – or rather whom she is stilldoing it with. I've heard the rumors about her, with Mulciber, with Evan, with Donovan Moore even.

Which makes it all the more weird. I am certain she has had many boys before me. So why she would want to be with someone as ugly as me? She must have needed it really bad that night, and last night. I don't care if she wants to use me. I have said it before. That is why I am here. I am here for everyone to use. It doesn't matter. I don't matter. Nothing matters at all.

~Saturday – Hogsmeade Field Trip

Weird to be here in daylight. I forgot how it looks in the light.

We did it again last night. I don't know what I'm feeling…. I feel so weird. It is so hard for me to understand why any woman would want to be with me. Am I even good? She wanted me more than once. She seemed into it last night. She dug her nails into my back and she cried out. She smiled even. I don't know.

She bites me a lot. I'm covered in teeth marks. It doesn't matter. Obviously I never let anyone else see my bare arms.

Sex is not what I imagined at all. At least not with her… With her - It's violent. We're both so aggressive when we do it. I suppose it is part of my curse, my punishment. This is what I get for having wanted Lily - my guardian angel – so violently. For all of my sins, I am given to this strange woman – whose aggression matches mine.

And yet, for all I may fear in her, Tisiphone still calls me Sev.

~Sunday – The Great Hall

I woke up in a cold sweat again last night. What am I doing?

Get it together Severus.

~Tuesday – The Great Hall Sun

I feel so guilty. Lily passes me in the hall and I freeze. Every time I see her, I cannot move, even or look in her direction for the guilt I feel at sinning against her. I should stop – but I can't. I want Tisiphone. I need to feel her arms around me. I need to feel inside of her. It's the only time I can breathe. Of course I don't love Tisiphone. How could I love anyone other than Lily? But I sin against her with another woman and I cannot stop.

She offers herself to me. No one has ever done that. Maybe this all one sick joke. Perhaps Tisiphone lost a bet or this is some wild dare from one of the guys. What can I do? I like how it all feels.

The way she and I laugh when we're together maybe it's not fake? No. It's me. Its one thing for Avery and the others want me around. Tisiphone, wanting to kiss me and do things with me, that is something else all together. I don't know why she is doing this to me.

~Wednesday – The Great Hall – Sun

She slips her tongue,

into my mouth.

One slip of the tongue,

and I am brought to this.

~Monday – Defense Against the Dark Arts – Cold

Staring blindly in class. I cannot stop thinking about her – her perfect dancers legs and how she splits them apart so gracefully, pointing her toes, maintaining perfect form even as I fuck her hard - slamming her back down onto the bed with every thrust.

Only truly Dark Magic can account for the way she quivers and convulses beneath me when she is in the throws of ecstasy. Only truly Dark Magic can account for how, in those moments I give myself into her so completely. Even now I grow hard at the thought of her. I do want to go to her tonight and I hate myself for it.

I cannot stop thinking about her. Staring at the back of her head. I want to be pulling her hair again as I was last night – awful though the thought is… but I want to do it. I want to mount her again – dear God the way I nearly kicked open her legs as I climbed on her bed but she just lifted herself open to me.

I want her, now. I want to feel her pale cold breasts grow hot in my hands – the heat I feel inside of her - and when she takes me in her mouth – can't write anymore.

~Tuesday – The Great Hall

Get it together Severus…

~Wednesday – Almost Thursday – Cold Clear Sky

What am I doing? I am losing my focus of late.

Tisiphone and I were in the Common Room. Studying for once. She asked to borrow my copy of Advanced Potion Making to check something about a certain antidote she's been working to perfect. So I - with out thinking - stupidly lent it to her.

Still not thinking, still with my head in another book I heard her say it – and my heart stopped

"Half-Blood Prince?"

"What?"

"That's what it says in your book." FUCK.

She obviously saw the look of horror on my face because she started in asking me what was wrong. Well I had to tell her. I started to explain - Stupid Stupid Stupid. But I had already opened my mouth to speak so it was too late. All I could think was. Great. She will really think me strange. I did my best to keep my explanation brief. I told her it that it was my mother's maiden name. That she is a witch and that I – but she stopped me there.

"And you don't want to…" She trailed off and seemed to fully understand with out my having said it.

"Yeah…I don't exactly - when it comes to that side of the family…" I trailed off and she looked at me. She actually told me that she understood.

"Yes," I told her, "I just, prefer to use that name, even though it's… silly." Then I begged her not to tell anyone. She agreed. She also said she didn't think it silly. I'm not sure if she really meant that. I don't care – well, I do care but I'm more worried she will tell people.

Dear God I hope she doesn't tell anyone, how could I be so Stupid? I must be more careful!

~Thursday – My room. Night

All the guys have been talking all day about going to see Avery's hero. I still am not nearly as enthusiastic about it as they are. I feel so awful. How could I be so weak willed? I have gone back on everything I ever swore. I swore to stay away from them. I swore I would work hard and be Virtuous - I swore myself to Lily!

What's the use – I might as well give up… Though I still have a hard time believing it, a lot of people have been saying that he has changed. They say Lily has changed him and that he is a good person. Maybe he is, and I have been wrong. I am certainly wrong in other ways… I am so cursed and dirty now. I always was. As much as I fear I have ruined myself of late, in truth, how much more could I have ruined what was already so filthy and foul to begin with?

He then is the better man. By far. That night in The Shrieking Shack, perhaps he should have just left me to my fate. The curses that have been born of my rage - of my contaminated, sick blood… I am truly the dangerous one. How could I even dream of a life with Lily? I would taint her with my every touch. And what could I even give to her? What will I become when I leave school? What could my future possibly offer her? My past certainly offers her nothing. Spinner's End? How could I curse her to live in such a horrific dark place? That is all I could ever offer to her – a life of nightmares.

James on the other hand, his future is so bright. His family, what will be handed down to him… not that he needs it. He will go on to play on a professional Quidditch Team. He could in truth do anything. As Head Boy, the world will be his to take. Any career he chooses he will have and he will be wildly successful. He can give her the world; he can give her a good life.

I was never meant for such a life, ever. I don't know how to love, I was not meant for love - as I have always said. And what of children - for she will surely want them… How could I – have children – with her? How could I ever curse her children with my tainted blood? Shall I pass on his filth and his rage and all that is now so horrible in me onto her child! I am sick at the mere thought of it.

I won't do I! I could never do something so terrible ever.

~Friday – History of Magic - Snow

Potter is a good man. I keep telling myself that. I want to believe that.

But I see them in the hall. He is a good man, I keep telling myself. But I can't shake it. When I see them together I cannot seem to rid myself of this terrible sense of foreboding. It is not jealously that I am feeling – I know jealously – I know when that emotion seizes me – but that's not what I feel... Whenever I think on it, I have this undeniable sense that something is terribly wrong. -But everything is all right. It is. So why can't I shake it?

…Because –"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

~Saturday – Common Room – Suddenly warm, snow becomes Fog and Mist

I spent the night with Tisiphone again. Our time together continues to grow stranger... She has taken to blindfolding me these past few nights. She blindfolds me and bites me. Why has she taken to doing this? Does she not want to see my eyes? What was it she said? She was saying something. Tuesday night when we were together I think she said- that when she used to look at me in fifth year – my eyes were different. She was saying, that my eyes were a warm brown flecked with green, but that now they've become dark and lost "much of their light and color". I didn't think much on it until now. My eyes are hazel – they change color all the time. But outright lost light and color? Have they? I avoid my reflection when ever possible so I wouldn't know. I guess She doesn't want to look at my dull, ugly eyes. Perhaps she finds my ever-changing eye color to be creepy. Everyone else thinks I'm creepy, surely so does she…

Whatever her reasons, I'm not sure how I feel about all this. Just try to relax she says. How can I relax? I am completely blind… In truth, I'm terrified. How am I to know what's going on? Is it just us in the room? Has she brought people into the room to mock me? Is she going to do something weird? Other than bite me that is...

She has that riding crop of a wand sitting on her dresser. When where not going at it, she plays with it. She'll say she misses her horses as much as she misses dancing and painting. I understand what it is to miss something. Still, it's a riding crop isn't it? I'm blinded and at her mercy!

She has once traced my body with it. Am I so far off in thinking she will one night strike me repeatedly with it! Do I want her to use it? I don't know how I'd feel about that. Biting is painful, but only just. A riding crop? God tell me I now desire to be beaten – no I don't. But I like licking and biting so… God this is all so… strange.

Strange and confusing.

~Astronomy – Cloudy

Can't see the sky for the stars. Too cloudy. Lecture. I don't believe I've ever had time to write in Astronomy – nor such need of it. Awful day.

Started out all right. The Great Hall being decorated for Christmas. I may have stopped caring for the most part, but some small part of me still gets excited around Christmas time. That I am not going home certainly adds to my happiness. I was made oddly happy looking out upon all the glittering crystals springing from Flitwick's Wand onto the branches…

The others sat beside me. They started in again talking about that wizard Avery admires so much. They decided they would go to see him after everyone returned from the Christmas Holidays. They are all so excited when they speak of it. I still don't see what the big deal is. I mean, isn't he just some Slytherin who went on to work for Borgin and Burkes? I don't know… They want to join with him and his people. It's just like Slug Club. It's just a pointless prestige thing that people do. It's a name-dropping situation, no one really cares... I'm sure it will be the same dull thing in the end. Everyone sitting around a table and talking a great deal about themselves all so as to impress all the others... though apparently this will take place in the woods around a fire, not in a home at a table. Honestly I'm just looking forward to sneaking out to Hogsmeade again.

We haven't snuck in so long it's been so cold. I was thinking about that, and I realized it would be cold and we would be outside. I pointed out the weather to the others, and I said it was a good thing Tisiphone is so good at making fires, or else we'd certainly freeze off a thing or two.

They all laughed, but then – they finally after all this time brought it up. So long I have been a part of this group. So long it has weighed upon me, knowing they were all thinking it, but not saying anything. Perhaps they kept silent from pity or the sheer awkwardness of it. Either way, it has not been lost on me – how accommodating they have been, to include someone of my low social and economic status into their group.

I am Half-Blood after all. I come from a shitty part of London. I have hardly any money to my name. The rest of Slytherin House, this group in particular - they are all Pure blood – from ancient families and old money. They will all go home to their families next week. Those families will accept and cherish their magical abilities. Those families happily financed their educations. Each of them will inherit an estate when they leave school. Whether they work or not, they will be provided for. They out rank me in every way. To look at all of us together… it is so painfully obvious that I am far beneath them. Me in my shabby threadbare clothing while they are all impeccably dressed in rich robes so perfectly suited to their elite status...

So there it is. Avery stops laughing – not completely - just enough to show me that he is serious, but not cruel. "Snape", he says to me, "I've been meaning to talk to you. You're going with us of course," he assures me in all earnest, which helped, "But…you can't wear those robes. You can not go before him dressed like that."

I just hung my head in shame. I didn't protest, because it's true. I didn't come from a good home as they did. I have nothing. It was absolutely mortifying to bear it...

"Don't worry!" he adds quickly, "We'll think of something." And then he goes back to talking rapidly about the plans for the big night.

What am I going to do? Awful! Still, they've been so good to put up with me for so long. "We'll think of something." "You're going with us of course." They're still putting up with me. I felt so awful about it. And then it got worse.

Because then there was Tisiphone. I went to her room again before Astronomy. Yes, because today wasn't awkward enough, I went to her room so we could do more strange awkward things that I could never confess to anyone save this book.

She blindfolded me. She, kissed me, bit me and we wrestled.

She is aggressive with me still. When I think on it, I realize sadly, that I still like pain inflicted upon me. I don't feel the anxiety that is always gnawing at me nearly as much when she bites me, or if we fall off the bed or some such thing when we're being rough. What difference is there really between this and unleashing Sectumsempra on myself in the past? The only difference now is that someone else gives it to me. True, she is far, far gentler with her teeth than I was with my spell. But with her, one never knows when the hit is going to come – or how hard it will be. Which of course brings me back to the blindfold.

I was uncertain about it at first. It made me nervous, but I think I have come to like being blindfolded now. She even asked me tonight if I minded her blindfolding me, because I have never expressed much or something to that effect. I told her that I didn't mind. In truth I do not. It is hard to explain why... I mean - I still don't quite trust her. I guess now, I don't care. That's it.

That is why I like the blindfold. When my eyes are bound, I cannot see.

There is so little left that I still wish to see.

I think she knows that. And now, here she sits beside me in the Astronomy Tower, as do the other four, and the rest of the Slytherins. And how fitting, there are no stars. Not for us in Slytherin to see. Its as if the sky is trying to tell us something…

~Christmas Day – Heavy Snowfall

Christmas Day alone in the castle. Everyone has gone home. I stayed…home?

No one else is here. Its cold out. Snow. Really quiet in here. I think even the ghosts have left.

So this is to be my future…

~First Day Back - Storms

The doors slammed open – time restarted, sound returned in a riot of voices I never imagined I'd be so happy to hear. I don't care if it is the screaming Quidditch Idiots or even the Gryfindors... I don't want to be alone anymore.