Gemma
May 3, 1901
A carriage
I've been here before
In this familiar place...
My silence driving me insane.
I've seen you before
Amidst this familiar place
A land I used to know,
Now we must escape.
Familiar Place, Mirai
The ride to Spence is about a 45 minute carriage ride and I find that I am not looking forward to it. Felicity has not brought up the scene with Simon last night, but I know she is just waiting until we are alone. Unfortunately, that is now.
Fee does not waste any time. The carriage lurches forward and she smiles at me expectantly. I do not know how to explain myself. I do not even understand it. Even so, she will not allow me to escape her smiles until I throw her a bone. I look up and see that now she is wiggling her eyebrows. I laugh at her ridiculous performance and hope I can find something clever to say. Nothing comes to mind.
Felicity's smile drops when I do not begin. My silence upsets her, but she will not give up that easily. Her mouth opens as if she will say something, but she snaps it back shut. I have never seen Fee think twice before talking. Maybe she has grown up more than I thought.
Her mouth opens again, but this time the words come. "Do you remember that time you caught me outside the boathouse with Ithal?"
"How could I forget? That secret is the only reason we are friends." She frowns at the second part of my reply.
"We are friends for more than that, Gemma. I thought by now you would know that. But anyway, I was just thinking. The tables have turned. Instead of you keeping my secret, I must keep yours and I am happy to do so. I am just a little confused as to how you ended up on a balcony with a married man."
"First off, I went up to the balcony by myself to clear my head. Simon found me there and we started talking. He said he misses me and wants to be with me. I don't know why Felicity, but I could not help myself. I want to be loved by him. Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong choice. My life would be so different had I chosen him."
My honesty has shocked Fee. She looks at me like she can see straight to my soul. I do not know if she can relate, but I find comfort knowing the she understands.
"You made the right decision, I promise you that. Had you chosen to marry Simon, you would still be stuck in the confines of London society. You would sit at home all day and do your motherly duties. When you made a mistake, everyone would gossip about you. You would be a sheep, Gemma. Does that sound appealing?"
She is right, but it is not enough. Somehow being married with children seems like a nice life. I could be happy with Simon. Felicity notices the doubt in my eyes.
"Just think about it. Had you said yes to Simon you never would have had a relationship with Kartik." The name claws at my heart. "And then in the Winterlands, you would have died as the tree claimed you. Everything would be very different. It is a good thing that you made the choices you did." Felicity is right again, but she has really struck a chord. I would be living some fantasy life as a hero had it not been for Kartik. I would have eaten a berry and never returned. But I did not. I came back for Kartik, and then he sacrificed himself. It is not Simon that I want, it is Kartik. Felicity knows it as well as I do.
"Why must you always be right?" I request of Felicity. She chuckles and simply states, "Because I am not blinded by my lust. I know what I want. Unfortunately, I can never get her back."
Once again I feel closer to Fee because of our mutual pain. We both grieve our losses. I allow the tears to fall. Felicity is not one to comfort others. Instead, she peers out into the landscape, allowing a moment to myself.
Spence comes into view just as my tears dry. It is just as big and imposing as before. The restored East Wing is spectacular in all its grandeur. For some reason being here again gives me butterflies. The gargoyles sit atop the school. I remember when I thought them to be creepy. Now I appreciate them for their help. They saved countless lives that night. As the carriage pulls closer I only feel more nervous. I glance over to Fee and she grimaces at the place. I can tell she had not planned to return.
The carriage stops outside the main doors and immediately two servants come to help us with our bags. Mrs. Nightwing opens the doors and greets us with unusual warmth.
"Miss. Doyle how nice it is to see you," She exclaims, "And Miss. Worthington, I did not think you would be able to come. Thank you so much for making time to attend this celebration."
We both say polite hellos and follow her in. Nothing has changed since we left. It is like I was here yesterday. Everything seems so surreal here. I never thought I would return to Spence.
Mrs. Nightwing interrupts my thoughts. "None of the others have arrived yet so you have first pick at the new rooms in the East Wing. There is space for everyone to room alone if that is what you prefer."
Felicity then asks, "When will Miss. Bradshaw arrive?" Honestly I am a little surprised that Fee cares. But, I am curious too.
"Miss. Bradshaw will arrive late tomorrow night. The rest of the girls will be here at various times today. Now, you are free to do as you like while you are here. I am sure you remember when dinner is served. The only thing I ask is that you arrive on time for meals and vespers."
We leave her to find suitable rooms. I wonder what I will do with all the time I have. As we make our way up the stairs all the memories come flooding back. The late night visits to the Realms, Miss. McCleethy's sinister arrival, Miss. Moore's departure, and all the times I sneaked through the halls consume my thoughts. It is all very strange. The East Wing is huge, but pretty simple to navigate. The servants have put our bags at the entrance so we can choose any room we want.
I find a nice little cozy room towards the back of the hall. Fee takes the one next to it. Soon my bags are unpacked and I roam over to Fee's room. When I enter she is standing by the window deep in thought. I stand next to her and see that she is looking towards the Gypsy camp. Before I can help I wonder if Kartik is among the men, but I know he is not. It tugs at my heart.
"I feel as if nothing has changed. It is like I never left. Does it feel like that to you?"
"Yes," I answer, "But I know a lot has changed since I was seventeen."
She smiles at me, but it looks pained. "What's wrong?" I ask.
"It is probably just me being paranoid, but I cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong. Why else would Miss. Nightwing insist we come?"
I hadn't thought of this. Felicity has a point though. "I am not sure why she decided to do this. But, nothing seems wrong. Nightwing looks fine."
"I do not mean here. What if something is wrong there?"
Another thing I hadn't thought of. Could it be possible that something is wrong in the Realms? Does that mean I can return? What will happen if I do?
"It doesn't matter. We will find out soon enough." Her words are soothing, but I cannot forget the ache in my heart. I know the Realms can cure it. I do hope we can return.
The rest of the day is uneventful. At dinner Miss. Nightwing introduces us to the girls and makes a ridiculously long speech. By the time we eat, the food is cold. Cecily gives me dirty looks all dinner, but I purposely ignore it. The rest of us make polite conversation. It is all safe and reserved, exactly as a woman's conversation should be.
At vespers we sit in the teacher's pew, which means I actually have to pay attention. I felt the eyes of all the students on the back of my head all evening. I was silently judged by a bunch of children. By the time everyone went to the room for social hour, I was tired and bored. The girls used this time to bombard us with questions. Felicity was asked the most because she is after all Admiral Worthington's daughter. She answered all the questions politely and did not tell the truth about her father.
When they realized that I have been living in America, the tables turned and I was stuck answering the questions. I actually enjoyed the attention. It felt nice to be admired. Cecily was asked the least, and she sulked about it openly.
At some point Felicity escapes to have a private conversation with the once Little Polly. Now she is Polly, a blossoming child who resembles Fee in more ways than one.
By bed time, I was excited. My pillow was calling me when I entered the room. Sleep came all too quickly.
