Hey everyone! I'm sorry for the long wait on this chapter, and anyone who's read "The After Dundies" knows I have been having a terrible writer's block! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy!
(Who else is excited about the season six on DVD?) ;D
Chapter 6: Tears to a Blue Bird
It was brief, my eyes breaking the sun before I let it break me, and leave water drops against my cheeks.
My sniffles could be heard from the guy down the hall if he would just listen. I clearly have the most power for breaking that man's heart because I always seem to in one way or another.
I squeeze the sheets that seem to be stuck to my body making me feel the hot and sweaty. The tears I have shed had made me a lot more tired but I refuse to sleep. Honestly, the look on Jim's face would keep me awake for days, no matter how much sleep I needed.
I close my eyes only for a moment, trying to collect any sense that I have left. When I open them again I see a familiar figure standing against the door frame.
"Jim" I breathe, looking into his red, eyes. I almost start to cry again thinking he has been crying over me. Another broken heart shouting at me. He walks in slowly almost cautiously, not looking directly at me.
I move my body so I am sitting up. I really feel the weakness setting in as I hold my head up, feeling slightly dizzy. He sits down beside me, where he had been before, but he seems so far away, so distant and it's so remorseful. I can tell words our moving in and out of his brain as he looks around the room.
"What…" he starts, feeling himself getting choked up by tears again. I try to hold every sense of my being together.
"Why?" Was all he said before he quickly was covered his face, leaving me with no emotion left to see. I hear small sniffles, and my eyes slowly begin to fill up with tears.
"Jim" I repeat again reaching out to him, attempting to grab some part of him to get his attention.
He takes another breath and looks up to me tears spreading out like clouds, I feel my bones break with every piece of flesh still intact. Nothing could be more painful than this image I caused. I reach out and grab his hand that moves up to sit beside me, taking me into his arms, both of us shuddering with tears.
"Why Pam? Why are you doing this?" he mutters into my shoulder. I cradle his head, letting both of our tears run out, not being able to control our emotions anymore.
"It wasn't supposed to happen" I cry holding on as tightly as I could. "It wasn't supposed to be like this" My eyes feeling duller as it continues on.
He breaks suddenly, and looks seriously into my eyes, "What happened?" He attempts to take a deep breath and calm down but it seems useless when you're drowning in tears. "Please" he breaths out, on the edge of another break down. "I couldn't deal with the pain anymore" I start, with the deepest of meaning, even though in my head I wanted to say "I couldn't deal with you dating Karen anymore.
"And it wasn't my first thought to stop eating, it just happened." I wipe my tears that force themselves to come. I feel my throat close up and my eyes swell a little more. His arms cradle me as his eyes watch every word spill out of my mouth.
His eyes flash guilt behind the tears. I attempt to hold his gaze as I hide the truth behind my eyes. His mouth opens to speak. "Pam, I..." a white blur brushes ahead of me, except this time it's not so much a blur anymore.
"Hi, Pam Beesly. I'm Dr. Whineburg" the voice interrupts. I glance up and see a dark haired woman stirring with her clipboard.
"How are you feeling?" her voice prompt and professional, yet a soft feel that I can't grasp. "Okay" I reply swiping my face with my hands. Jim let's go of me and sits in the chair again and I feel the familiar distance burning under my skin.
"It seems your iron levels have seems to be pacing so far, not much has changed. A tray of food will be coming up soon, but please don't rush yourself." Her stern voice catches my eye. "Don't force yourself to eat it all, and more importantly don't eat fast" she glances down at her clipboard again, and I begin to feel like I'm living with my parents again, getting lectured on my bad behavior. I feel Jim's eyes on me, as I glance out towards the window, my eyes following a small blue bird that perches himself up against the glass. For a moment I just want to talk to the bird, and I feel like he's here to help me.
I feel his hand rest on top of mine, breaking me back down to earth. "Miss Beesly?" Her voice soaked in worry.
"Yes?" I shake the foolishness from my head and look over at her. "Are you alright?" a little voice in the back of my head nagging me. Do I look alright? "I'm fine" my reply covered in apathy.
"As I was saying, you may need to go to a group session for Eating Disorders at least once a week"
The pain dwells in my eyes. "No, I don't think so" I mutter loud enough for everyone to hear. "I really insist on it" her tone still the same. "Well I don't!" I snap, my head feeling as restless as my body, yet weaker.
"Pam" Jim says softly, clearly shocked by my outburst. I shake my head and don't say anything, not even a glance towards the doctor. A quick glance towards Jim, who looks even more undone then the moment he heard the news, then back at the bird again, who now looks across the city with some sort of peace in his eyes. It soothes my body just to watch him.
"Now I can't force you to go, but I will say if nothing gets better you will have to stay in the hospital until everything's back to normal" I want to scream out loud just to make her ears hurt and then suddenly I feel like a crying teenager. "Just please consider it" her tone softer looking directly at me.
"Okay" I reply feeling myself growing up again. She nods taking glances at both Jim and I and walks out clipboard almost turning from brown to white due to her massive grip.
"Pam" he whispers softly to me, as I once again watch the blue bird. I feel his fingers stroke my hair, attempting to get my attention. I abruptly fall into Jim's arms searching for significance.
He sinks into my embrace as I feel my eyes close just wishing he would take me away from here, letting go of everything that's happened, and to start over maybe even move. My eyes refuse to open as I hear his voice.
"We are going to get through this okay?" his whisper taking a harder toll on me than I thought it would.
My eyes start to melt away as he lies down with me, my cries silent to everything around me. Just before I close my eyes again I catch the bird staring at me, his blue eyes set in stone.
Thank you so much for reading!
Review and hug Jim!
-Jamfan2000-
