Title: There's No Such Thing as a Hot Grandpa

Summary: Grandpa, an old man who is two generations older than you and turns up to family events smelling of tobacco and scotch. Doesn't really describe Edward does it? It will now. Follow Edward and his fifteen year old make their way through life as patterns of family history begin to repeat themselves.

Rated: M because well we're going to be talking about making babies here!

Pairings: EXB and RX? Everything will be clearer in the end.

Disclaimer: All recognisable characters are those created by Stephanie Meyer, but Dylan is all mine people!

Renesmee

Jake waited with me after school until Dad picked me up. Briona had wanted to wait to but her Mom was waiting to bring her to the dentist. I was glad that we had made up; seriously I don't know if I would be able to do this without Briona. Jacob was great and all, but I still needed my best girl friend.

"I didn't think I would get that far behind in a week, thank God this baby is due during summer so I won't miss too much." I said as we sat on the wall and waited for Dad.

"If you want I could help you catch up on some work." He said pushing his glasses up a bit. He only needed them sometimes and hated them, but I thought he looked cute wearing them.

Actually Jake looked cute all the time.

And Oh My God, stop it. I thought internally, seriously I could not get a crush on Jacob right now. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm blaming this on that whole pregnancy brain thing.

"Maybe this Saturday?" I asked him trying to stop myself from getting excited all we were going to do was study, study and not make out. Because I was pregnant and couldn't think of boys. Not even cute, geeky, sweet boys... seriously stop.

"Sure" He said with a smile. It was then Dad pulled up.

"See you tomorrow Jake." I called as I sat into the car.

"Hey Sweetheart" Dad said as I got in, he waved at Jacob before pulling off the curb. "How are you feeling now Kiddo?" he asked me. I had texted him a morning break earlier one to let him know what had happened.

"I'm fine. Plus I made up with Briona so now I've got two body guards." I said and Dad nodded.

"That's good Sweetie."

"How was work?" I asked him as we drove home.

"Good I met up with Bella for lunch." He explained.

"Well as long as you move those appointments away from her office I suppose it's all good."

"I'm not going to justify that with an answer because you don't even listen." He said with a smirk on his face. It was quiet after that and I knew I needed to tell my Dad about the money.

"So I talked to Mike this morning." I said deciding to just get this over with, knowing my Dad would freak out if I kept this from him.

"You did?" Dad asked me and I nodded. "And? Did the little shit apologise? I have half a mind to drive around there Ness you know that? Like seriously who walks away from someone screaming out in pain, especially when she just tells them that she's pregnant. Douche bag or not, that's just too far." he asked me and I interrupted.

"Dad no, don't go around there. It will just make it this whole and thing and everyone will know about it. And he didn't apologise." I began and Dad tried to start a rant but I stopped him. "He gave me five grand"

"What?" Dad asked stopping the car and pulling over.

"He said his Dad heard I was pregnant and he gave me five grand to buy stuff for the baby." I explained taking the envelope out of my bag. "Three grand in cash and a cheque for two grand." I explained handing it to Dad.

"So he paid you off?" Dad asked me.

"Basically" I shrugged over the whole thing really.

"And you've been carrying five grand around all day?" he asked me sounding shocked.

"Yup" I said popping the 'p' and he began driving again, not saying anything. As we pulled onto our street I couldn't take it anymore. "Dad say something." I said.

"Well I'm glad you had the sense to take it." Dad said as we pulled up to the house. "Most girls would do that stupid 'I don't need a man' shit but you know babies are freaking expensive." He said and I nodded.

"Thanks" I said.

We got out of the car and headed into the house, Dad holding onto the envelope as we went inside.

"I was going to ask if you wanted some cash, you could babysit Dylan this Saturday but you seem to be doing okay..." Dad joked as he tried to hand me the envelope again but I shook my head.

"Can you set up a bank account for me?" I asked him. "I don't trust myself if I have it laying around the place not to spend on stupid stuff." I told him.

"Yeah, I'll do it for you tomorrow, you'll have to sign some stuff though." He explained and I nodded.

"And I'll babysit Dylan, by the time I get all the baby furniture and clothes bought... that money is going to go quick. I'm going to need more than that. I have some savings that I was going to use to buy a car but that's not really a priority anymore." I said and Dad nodded.

"Have you thought about budgeting at all?" Dad asked me leaning on the counter.

"I was too busy having an unnecessary organ taken out." I muttered taking out a notepad from my school bag and a pen. I wrote down my list of things to do.

Paint nursery

Budget Baby Costs

Study for Biology test

Get iron supplement refilled

Schedule sonogram with Bella

"Hey Dad when are you going grocery shopping?" I asked him curiously and he looked up at me confused.

"Um tomorrow I think why?" he asked.

"Can I go?"

"You want to come with me while I go grocery shopping? You haven't done that since I told you, you couldn't fit in the cart anymore." He said chuckling.

"Well I was thinking while you did the usual shopping I could go down the baby aisle and get prices of stuff and then research it when I get home."

"That sounds like a very good idea Ness" Dad said. He pulled the list I had in front of him and looked at it. "What's the biology test on?" he asked curiously. I think the two of us needed to talk about something normal, unfortunately this wouldn't be it.

"The reproductive system" I said and he laughed. "Yeah laugh it up I've heard it plenty of times today. 'Hey Ness will you tutor me for Biology you seem to know what you're doing' or 'Ness you should ask Mr. B for extra credit seeing as you went so far as to do the nonexistent lab for this chapter'" I said rolling my eyes. "And some other cruder things that would make bathroom walls blush." I told him and he sniggered.

"You would think I would have sympathy for you but I don't." He said shaking his head as he drank from his beer.

"Been there done that sorta thing?" I asked and he nodded.

"I'll start dinner" He said heading to the kitchen which was attached to the dining room so we could still talk to each other while I did my homework.

"So what are you and Bella doing this weekend that you need a babysitter?" I asked as I started my homework.

"We're going to the movies, might get dinner out. I'll give you pizza money for you and Dylan."

"And at what time would that be?" I asked him curiously.

"Why got a date?" he asked sarcastically.

"No" I said narrowing my eyes as him. "Jacob is going to help me catch up on some Math I missed he's in like AP Algebra and Calculus." I said.

"What does Jake want to do when he leaves school?" Dad asked me.

"He wants to go to the college in Seattle and get a degree in engineering. He wants to open up his own mechanics place just between here and La Push, so he can stay close to his Dad you know 'cause Billy's in the wheelchair." I explained as I translated my sentences for French class and wrote out the conjugation of the verbs.

"Right" Dad said "Well he can come and tutor you on Saturday, if he wants to hang out with you and Dylan he can. Bella said they get on great." He added.

"You're leaving me alone with a guy?" I asked him shocked.

"And the six year who literally dusted off his 'what are your intentions' cards." Dad reminded me. "He'd rat you out quicker than it took Mike to get you pregnant." Dad added and I nodded.

"That is very true." I said standing up and getting a soda from the fridge when I realised something "How do you know it was that quick?" I asked leaning against the counter.

"I was a teenager once too you know." Dad said throwing the meat on the pan.

"Was that before or after they invented fire?" I asked.

"You do realise your only fifteen years younger than me right?" he asked. "If I'm old, you are too Kiddo."

"Fair enough" I shrugged. "So nearly everyone thinks it was a sex appointment." I told him.

"It was not a sex appointment." He said stirring some rice.

"I believe you" I said sarcastically.

"I'll let you in on a secret Ness; I haven't slept with Bella yet." He said.

"Oh God, you're not really going to the movies are you?" I asked wrinkling my nose "She's going to drop Dylan here and then you're going to her house? Ew" I said. "I don't want to know about your sex life."

"Then stop asking. Jeesh, it's like visiting my mother." He said "Ness we are going to the movies." Dad said "For God sake not all of us are hormone driven teenagers." He said and I shrugged before going back to my homework.

Edward

I set the dinner down on the table and some glasses from the cabinet and filled them with water. But I was distracted.

Something Ness had said was getting at me.

Was I going to be having sex Saturday?

Like I know we would go to the movie theatre but at the end of the night would I end up staying in her place?

Did I need to bring protection?

Was she on birth control?

I should pick up some condoms right? The prime example of birth control not working was sitting across from me blowing bubbles in her soda.

Yeah I should pick up some condoms.

In Port Angeles

If I bought them here everyone in town including Bella's father would know the minute after I walked out the door.

Yeah I'd buy condoms in Port Angeles. I'd slipped them into the groceries. No big deal.

Unless Ness saw them and then the teasing would commence. Why did she have to come grocery shopping with me this week of all weeks? Like seriously why did she have to be a mature grown up this week?

Ah screw it, I was paying for the groceries I would buy the condoms and just put them on the conveyor belt. I suppose it would be like the tampon rule. We don't talk about it. They get put on the conveyor belt, get paid for and then put in the bag.

Yes, if my daughter asked about the condoms I was buying I would just state that it is like the tampon rule.

Sorted.

"Hey are you sure you want to go grocery shopping?" I asked, oh yeah I was a total wuss.

"Yup" She smiled eating her dinner and I sighed of course the one time I needed to buy condoms would be the one time she wanted to tag along.

I hate buying the fucking things I really do.

First there's the choosing of them, you have to make sure no little old ladies, colleagues, family members or members of the clergy are walking by. Then you have exactly three point five second to pick the type you want, so if another guy walks by he's not thinking 'hey that guy is utterly clueless' and then my absolute favourite part when you put them on the conveyor belt and the cashier scans them, they always give you the once over and you know in their head they're trying to decide whether your over compensating or not depending on the size.

It was a totally embarrassing endeavour and heaven forbid you walked up that aisle and see another guy trying to attempt the same tasks. All hope is gone at that stage you might aswell be buying them in the local store in front of your girlfriends father.

Why you may ask?

Have you ever seen two guys picking up condoms at the same time?

Don't they look like a gay couple trying to prevent aids?

No matter what is always looks like the two guys are a couple.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But throw in my kid running up to me screaming Daddy it looks like I'm in a gay relationship and we've adopted a child together.

Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. You just don't want people to think it when you're trying to buy condoms.

"Dad are you okay you sorta zoned out?" Ness said waving her hand in front of my face and I shook my head.

"I'm fine" I said shaking my head.

Buying condoms was way too much hassle...

Maybe Bella was on the pill.

Bella

I made sure to pop my pill into my mouth just before I dished up dinner.

"What's that Mommy?" Dylan asked as I swallowed it. Damn that kid was getting too observant for my liking.

"Multi vitamin Baby" I said scratching the back of his head. "If Mommy gets sick she can't go to work." I said lying through my teeth.

What?

I was hardly going to tell the six year old who spent large amounts of time with my Dad everyday that I was taking a pill that made sure I didn't have another baby. That so wouldn't go down well. Like seriously the next time Edward came to the door Dylan will have been advised to sit on the stairs cleaning the barrel of a gun.

"Okay" He said before turning his head back to his homework.

"Tidy off the table a bit Honey so we have room for dinner." I told him as I carried his plate over to the table.

Just as I was about to sit down the phone rang. "I'll get it." Dylan said jumping up and running for the phone, that and answering the door were his new favourite things to do in the world. He and the Jehovah's witness guys were great friends at this stage. "Mommy, Edward says Ness can babysit." He called from the hallway. I put his fork down beside his plate before walking out into the hallway.

"You go get your dinner." I said trying to take the phone out of his hand but he held on.

"Bye Edward" Dylan yelled into the bottom half off the phone as I took it off him before running into the dining room to eat his dinner.

"Hey" I said leaning against the wall a bit

"Hey to you to" Edward said happily.

"So Ness can babysit?" I asked crossing my fingers hoping Dylan had the right information. I really wanted to spend time with Edward. And if we had a baby sitter then I would get to have a lot of time together.

"Yeah" He said and I punched the air silently. "But that's not until Saturday..." He added trailing off.

"How about you and Ness come over here tomorrow and we could have dinner together?" I asked him.

"I'd love that" He said and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Okay then, well I'll see you tomorrow." I said trying to keep somewhat of my cool.

"Sure we'll be there around six?" he asked me.

"Great" I said "Bye Edward."

"Bye Love" he said before hanging up.

Internal swoon

Renesmee

I was leaning against the door of Dad's study listening to his conversation obviously when something he said struck me.

"Bye Love"

Love?

Love?

When had this started?

Had they said I love you to each other?

And Bella hadn't told me?

This was not good enough.

Once I was positive he had hung up the phone I walked into his study.

"What can I do you for Princess?" Dad asked as I sat down across from him.

"Dad we've known each other for almost my entire life." I began.

"Ness I was there from the start, conception and all." He interrupted and I rolled my eyes.

"Shhh" I said raising my finger to my mouth "As I was saying we've known each other for a long time and I always thought we had a strong father daughter bond." I told him.

"Where are you going with this?" he asked "Wait... You're not getting a car." He said quickly.

Facepalm

He so wasn't getting this, how did this man have a successful business? With Uncle Emmett of all people? It had to be Uncle Jasper.

"Dad I'm not worrying about a car until after the baby is born, I've enough to be doing without adding learning to drive on top of that. What I'm saying is whenever anything big ever happens in my life I tell you right?" I asked him.

"Or I find out" he shrugged and I nodded.

"Exactly" I said and he looked confused.

"Ness is this your way of telling me its twins and they have different fathers?" he asked me and I glared at him.

"No!" I said "It better not be twins." I said looking at my stomach "And I only slept with one guy." I said pouting "And I'm not even talking about me I'm talking about you." I exclaimed because this was so frustrated, I don't know how my Grandma has such nice hair, having had to deal with this guy all those years.

"Nothing particularly big has happened to me that you don't know about." Dad said moving his chair back to pull out the blue prints for a new building he was designing of the shelf.

"Oh really?" I asked putting my hands over the page once he had it rolled out.

"I have a lot of work Princess so if you're not going to make your point can you leave?" he asked with a sickly sweet smile.

"You said I love you to Bella." I yelled frustrated with him. He could be so aggravating.

"What?" he asked looking up at me this time. He pulled his glasses off his face and raised an eyebrow at me, he only needed his glasses when he was typing or drawing up plans. "No I didn't Ness." He said.

"You just called her Love on the phone."

"You were eavesdropping?" he asked.

"Oh yes that's the important thing here." I said with a huff.

"Ness, I called her Love, I didn't say 'I love you', we've only been out on a couple of dates it would be totally rushed to say it now." Dad said returning to his plans and pushing his glasses back up his nose. "And stop freaking eavesdropping. I don't do it to you. Granted a man can only hear two teenagers say 'Way' 'No Way' so many times but still." He said shaking his head and I rolled my eyes.

Always getting the low jibes in there, that kind of comedy was below him.

"But you do love her right?" I asked. He sighed and taking his glasses off again he leaned back in his chair. He knew he wasn't going to get any work when I was in one of these kinds of moods. I wouldn't leave him alone until I got the answers I wanted from him.

"I think I do" He said.

"Think?" I asked "That is certainly not good enough." I said standing up.

"Oh sit down Rosa Parks she bought you one pair of shoes doesn't mean I have to marry her." Dad said rolling his eyes.

"Yeah it does Dad." I said, wow these pregnancy hormones were no joke were they?

"If that was true I would've have to have married my own sister." He said.

"You were supposed to; she was so upset she settled for Jasper!" I said trying not to laugh while I was making my, oh so serious point. I was losing my touch. I didn't not like it one bit.

"How unfortunate for her, instead of having an incestuous marriage with her brother she settled for the love of her life, gosh darn it. Do you think she'll leave him for me?" Dad asked. "I'll call her now." He said reaching for his phone before giving me a look.

"This isn't over Cullen" I said standing up and flattening my palms on the desk.

"Oh yes it is Cullen" Dad said looking down at the blue prints and lifting my hands off his desk.

"Dad as a young woman fully scorned by the evils of men, can I just say something?"

"You're asking my permission to talk? How do we make this a permanent thing?" He asked me and I gave him my 'I'm not in the mood for your shit' look "You're going to whether I say yes or no so why not?" Dad asked.

"Bella's at the stage in her life where she's not going to mess around. If you love her, you should tell her." I said before leaving the room.

I better be mentioned in the toast at their wedding.

That is all I'm saying.

Review please.

Love The Irish Cullen.