I own nothing from NCIS and make no money from this story! If I did own them there would be some massive changes! I am simply borrowing them for a bit and returning them happier and in better condition than when I found them.
A huge thanks goes to my most excellent Beta-Amy- without whom this would not be as polished! Kudos to her for her great work and wanting to work with a nut like me! Trust me! There is much love to her! She also feeds the bunnies some massive happy food since they keep appearing.
Come by my facebook page- always a riot! Sometimes great eye candy as well! Facebook./gibbsandtonysbabe Always happy to have you drop by!
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This is a bunny brought on by my awesome Beta Amy...she so rocks!
Tony hung up his phone and sat back on his couch in shock over what he had done. Yet, he felt better than he had in a very long time.
The position that he had been offered and accepted was more than he would have ever dreamed possible. Honestly, he hadn't expected that when he made the call, though sure, he had been offered the position several times. He really hadn't wanted to try some of the other offers. The FBI would have put him too close to the issue, he didn't trust the CIA, and though he loved being a cop, he wanted more.
This was the perfect opportunity for him and he grabbed onto it for dear life. The call had taken him on a few turns that he hadn't expected. Director Morrow wanted all the facts as to why he had finally made the decision to leave NCIS and join Homeland Security.
Tony had considered bullshitting and coming up with a plausible excuse that would suffice, but he had been hit with the realization that he didn't want to live that way anymore. He had no desire to continuing hiding under a happy façade, lies, and secrets. He didn't want to start this new opportunity under the many layers of subterfuge he had been living with the past few years.
So he came clean and told Morrow everything. He truly had nothing to lose. But to say that it was freeing was an understatement of biblical proportions. He hadn't realized or more truthfully, acknowledged the weight of all the secrets he carried. He had hidden his life and essentially sequestered himself away from everyone and everything.
Until he opened up to Morrow, he hadn't really given much thought to the fact that he didn't go anywhere, do anything or that he had lost track of most of his friends. It was hard to talk about what was going on in his life when everything he held dear had to remain in the dark.
For the first time in a long time, he felt comfortable in his own skin. He was owning who he was and taking charge of his life; what he wanted, and how he wanted to live it. There was no denying that he was shattered Jethro wasn't a part of it but he couldn't wait for what may never be.
Morrow said he would take care of informing Vance and deal with all aspects relating to his departure from NCIS. He needed Tony to attend a training class in California that was to start in two days.
That left him with the decision of who to say goodbye to; Ducky and Jimmy were a given. And as much as he wanted to see and talk to Jethro and explain his reasons, he didn't feel that he could. Honestly, he didn't want any sort of confrontation to cloud the wonderful memories of their life together and he just didn't see it going any way but south. He pictured the arguing, yelling, and knew there would be things said that were later regretted. Still, he couldn't go without saying goodbye and try to make Jethro see that it was best for his own peace of mind and the only way his heart would survive.
A letter just seemed so wrong somehow, didn't matter that it wasn't a 'Dear John' letter, but it felt like it would be. But, it would be a way for him to get everything off his chest and have it make sense instead of tripping over the words. The last few days had shown Tony that the older man had closed off and effectively become blind, deaf, and dumb.
He wasn't worried about McGee or Ziva and felt no overwhelming need to say goodbye to them. They had been growing further and further apart over the past few years and he knew exactly where he stood with them. They never believed he should have held the SFA position and that he was nothing more than a clown.
He had long ago stopped trying to get them to see his worth and based no true value on what they thought. He always had their backs in the field without hesitation, but sharing personal things, that was a whole other can of worms. If Jethro had agreed to opening up he wasn't sure those two would have been a part of that…maybe, but now it didn't matter.
Tony smiled as he imagined the look on both their faces when they were given the news that he had taken a senior position with Homeland Security. They felt his skills were inferior to theirs, so they simply never noticed them. But payback was a bitch and even though he couldn't really consider it as such totally, the realization of all that he did would boggle their minds.
He couldn't decipher when that warm fuzzy family feeling faded, but it had and he was ok with that. He worked hard and his life with Jethro had filled part of that void. But he wanted more, still did and the path to attain what he needed was laid out. He wouldn't have to hide his true self any longer now that Morrow knew everything.
The man had already made the point that the rules that he had lived by with Gibbs were no longer in play. He would set the rules for his team based on what he needed from them and what they needed from him; that was something they would do together when they found their way.
Grabbing his phone, he sent Jimmy and Ducky both a text inviting them to dinner and was rewarded with acceptance from both of them. That solved, he would tell them over dinner and hope that their reactions were different from Abby's. He never expected that from her; he had never lied to her and the fact that she thought he had, hurt tremendously. But that was something she was going to have to work out on her own.
Taking a deep breath, he pulled out his pen and grabbed the pad of paper he had used to write down the details Director Morrow had given him. Finding a clean sheet, he sat down to put his thoughts to paper.
An hour later Tony looked at the pile of wadded up paper on the coffee table sighing as he tried once again to put words to paper. This was not any easier than being face to face. But he was determined. There was no way in hell he was going to leave Jethro without explaining his decision.
Dear Jethro,
Don't really know how to start this or how exactly to help you understand where I am coming from. I hadn't planned on leaving NCIS or you for that matter, but as I have learned lately, you can't always have what you want.
Simple fact is that I still want you, more than you can imagine or I could tell you. But I want so much more than just you, the person; I want an "us". I understand your reservations and fears but that doesn't change the fact that I want more than a half life with you. We could have had so much more.
I may be a greedy bastard, but I want it all and believe that it can be done. I know that you think that you're right; that your way is the only way, and I am sorry Jethro. God knows that I love you and this separation between us is killing me. I want to touch you, hold you, and love you. I can't tell you how many times I have had to stop myself from giving in and up and just fall back into you.
I can't because as much as this is killing me, the hiding and secrecy was doing far more damage. I can't remember the last time I went out to have a drink…met my Frat brothers…ate out in public or that you and I did more than share a bed. I'm not blaming you for all of that so don't even think that, I let it happen and I accepted it.
Now comes the hard part. I am leaving NCIS. As much as I know that is the right thing for both of us, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If I stayed, we would be pulled further apart; you would be determined to show me I was wrong and I would refuse, until the time when I couldn't anymore and came back to you.
But then I would begin to disappear more than I have been these past two years and I don't want that for me. I accept your decision and now you need to accept mine. I am leaving because I do love you, because I can't look at you every day and not want you, because it hurts too much and because I have to let go to what I can't have.
I didn't want to tell you in a letter, but I couldn't chance ruining the memories of us with a verbal confrontation. I wanted you to hear what I said and not what you want to hear me say. I can't imagine not being by your side, not being on your six and not keeping you safe. Not going to be easy, but in the end I believe it's what will be the best for both of us.
Promise me you won't do anything stupid and that you will take care of yourself. No risking your life because you haven't got me pulling you back from the edge. I'm not leaving DC so you may see me around.
I have two years of memories with you that I never thought I would have, so I take those with me and hold them close. Let me keep those Jethro; don't do something to take those away. I do love you, so don't you ever believe otherwise.
Goodbye,
Tony
Tony folded the letter unaware of the tears that had fallen on the paper as he sealed the envelope.
