Mass Effect Abridged

Chapter Six: The Citadel

The Citadel. Seat of government for the entire galaxy, and home to millions of people from dozens of races. A place divided into social classes, where the rich and important lived in the beautiful and safe Presidium, and everyone else lived down in the Wards. The Presidium was clean, peaceful, and fancy, while the Wards were crime-ridden, dangerous to travel alone through, and plagued with health code violations. Sort of like living in Detroit, but not as many fires.

It was at the Presidium that the Council Tower was located, and the Normandy was allowed to use one of the C-Sec (Citadel Security) docking bays so that nothing would hinder them on their way to see Ambassador Udina, whose office was only a short walk from the tower. The Council was made up of a representative of each of the three council-races; the Turians, the Asari, and the Salarians, although Salarians only lived for about 40 years, so they got changed out a lot.

Every other species had an office for their ambassador, whose job it was to grovel before the council and beg shamelessly for even the slightest favor. These individuals would usually be kicked out after being flogged, but every once in a while the council actually did something. At least, this was what Commander Shepard was hoping as she entered Udina's office along with Captain Anderson, Kaiden, and Ashley.

"Welcome to the Citadel, Anderson." Udina said as they shook hands. "And I see you brought hookers with you. Good idea, I'll get some brews, and we can get all juiced up before our meeting with the council. Oh, and um – dibs on the redhead. You can have the brunette, and that sort of manly looking other one over there."

"Ambassador, this is the landing party from Eden Prime." Anderson corrected him. "And no, you can't have dibs on the redhead, because if anyone around here is gonna abuse their rank to nail Shepard, it's gonna be me."

Udina nodded to him approvingly as he sat down behind his desk, and then everyone else sat in the chairs around his office once he motioned for them to do so. There were a lot of questions asked by Udina as he went around the room, basically interrogating each of them on every detail of what happened on Eden Prime. Most of their answers made him sweat with anxiety, while others started to give him hope, only to make him need to pour himself another shot from the bottle on his desk.

"Oh God, we're screwed." Udina said once the questions were done. "Even if there was some chance that even one of the council members might believe our ridiculous story, how the hell are we going to prove any of it? Even I'm having trouble with this, and I'm prepared to lie my ass off up there to save our skins."

"Then we'll have to appeal to their sense of justice and honor." Shepard replied. "After all, these are professionals who are charged with keeping peace and order in the galaxy, and I'm sure that once they've heard our accounts, they'll just have to believe us."

"Do you really think so?" Kaiden asked hopefully.

"No."

Shepard's eyes started to water, and she put her head down on the desk to keep from crying at the hopelessness of their situation. Things were looking overly grim, especially when the alarm clock on the wall announced that it was time for the appointment with the council. Udina and Anderson then stood up, and motioned for the others to stay.

"We're going up first." Udina said. "Hopefully we will be able to smooth things over with the council, and then we'll signal you when your testimony is needed. Either that, or Anderson and I will take our suicide pills right after signaling you to escape before the council has C-Sec hunt you down like the dogs you are."

Udina then opened his ring to show that the pill was inside, and Anderson did the same with his wristwatch before they headed out the door.

"Well, that was certainly encouraging." Ashley said. "So what do we do now?"

"I think it's good that we're getting a break for a while." Kaiden replied. "This will give us some time to collect ourselves and be more prepared for what we're going to say to the council."

"Let's just get out of this office for now." Shepard said. "Maybe Kaiden's right, and some walking around would do us good. Besides, we're on the Presidium, so what's the worst that could happen?"

They nodded to each other, and then got up to head outside. The entire place was like a single, gigantic courtyard where lots of people were moving back and forth. There were shops, health spas, banks, hotels, everything everyone would ever need to live their lives in comfort. The three of them were trying to decide where to go first, when an excited looking man with short blonde hair ran up to them.

"Holy crap, are you Jane Shepard?!" He asked while almost jumping up and down. "I'm Conrad Verner, and I'm your biggest fan!"

"You have fans?" Ashley asked.

Shepard shrugged, and honestly wanted to just go past this harmless-seeming, yet somehow really creepy guy. But he just stood there smiling, and it didn't seem like he was just going to leave on his own.

"Yes, I'm Jane Shepard." She finally replied. "And you're a fan of my doing what, exactly?"

"Wow, I can't believe you're actually talking to me!" He continued just as excitedly. "They say you destroyed an entire colony to stop the Geth from enslaving us, and well - a few people say you did it to get rid of your boyfriend because he was nailing your sister or something, but I don't listen to them. So – can I get a picture with you?"

It was an odd request, but seemed harmless enough, so she agreed in the hopes that he would go away afterward, but this just seemed to excite him more. He actually jumped up and down while squealing like a fan girl who had just met David Tennant, but then he calmed down and took out his holo-imager.

"Alright, now you're gonna have to stand really close to me." Conrad continued as he set it on the guardrail. "And hug on me, and kinda put your leg up over my thigh, oh, and kiss me on the cheek so that all my friends think I'm banging you, okay?"

"Get away from me, you asshole." She found herself saying almost instinctively. "Get away from me right now, or I'm afraid that I'm going to have to kill you where you stand."

Conrad started to say something else, but was interrupted as Shepard punched him in the mouth, her fist connecting with his face at the exact moment that the holo-imager went off. She expected him to run away, or get angry, or something, but instead he did the fan girl squeal again as he got up and ran over to the imager. He checked the image, and started to jump up and down.

"I can't believe it!" He squealed. "Jane Shepard touched me, and here's the proof! The guys back home aren't gonna believe this! You're the best, Shepard!"

He continued to yell and squeal with delight as he ran away, clicking his heels and skipping down the walkway as a couple of armored Turians walked up to the group.

"Excuse me, ma'am, we're with C-Sec." The first one said. "Was that man harassing you? We know how dangerous and frightening it is for girls like you to walk around in public, so we want to make sure you're all right, especially since you don't seem to have a male escort."

"Hey!" Kaiden protested.

"You better believe he was." Ashley interrupted before Shepard could say anything. "I mean, here we were trying to buy groceries so we can cook dinner for our loving husbands, when this guy comes up and asks us for sex in exchange for some of the Hallex powder he has hidden up his ass. He kept saying the horrible and kinky things he wanted to do to us, and then he said the Hallex was so well hidden up there that C-Sec would never find it with a cavity search."

"Oh, we'll see about that." The second Turian said as he snapped on a rubber glove. "Now you girls run along home, and leave this scumbag to us."

Shepard and Ashley smiled and waved goodbye to them as the Turians left, and then did a fist-bump once they were out of sight.

"I hope you two realize what you just did to that man." Kaiden said. "Sure, he was an inappropriate jerk, but I can tell you from experience that cavity searches are no joke."

"Well, thanks, Lieutenant Buzz Killington." Ashley replied. "I mean, God, you never got a single date in high school, did you?"

"Actually, I – no."

"All right, Ashley, that's enough." Shepard said. "Kaiden can't help the fact that he's a typical stupid man, but it's not fair to say that he can't get any girls. After all, the whole crew knows that he spends every night with that one girl, what's her name? Oh yeah, Rosie Palm."

As soon as these words left her lips, Ashley started laughing so hard that snot shot out of her nose and she fell over sideways as Kaiden's face turned redder than a tomato. It took a while, but Ashley eventually pulled herself to her feet, albeit still giggling whenever she looked at Kaiden.

"I don't get it, what's so funny?" Shepard asked. "Does she give everyone the clap? Is she a tranny or something? What?"

It took a lot of effort for Ashley to keep from laughing again as she leaned in to whisper the explanation into Shepard's ear, and once she was finished, Kaiden turned even redder as he turned away.

"Oh." Was all Shepard could say.

Suddenly the Omni-tool on her forearm began to beep, and when she pushed the button there was a text message that read: Come to the tower.

"All right, people, this is it." Shepard said. "Let's go see the council."

The elevator was huge and obvious, being that the tower was the biggest building around, so they walked over to it and pushed the button. The doors opened after a few seconds, and Kaiden's face was starting to regain its color again, only to be returned to the red color when Ashley started laughing at him.