AN- Another chapter, Review and let me know what you think. Reviews always inspire me to write quicker.


I'm breathing in

And Breaking Down.

The fire in my heart

Will burn me to the ground.

Brian ran his hands through his hair as he took a deep breath. What happened in that hospital room had scared him, what happened? He felt guilty, had he led Graham on? Had he accidentally made himself seem interested? He thought back to the night Graham had found him in the club. At times he almost remembered what had happened that night, but he had thought he imagined it. Had he really danced with Graham? Had he really kissed him?

It came to him in flashes he could remember pulling Graham close, he could remember Graham telling him they had to leave he remembered grinding his hips against Graham. He remembered enjoying it, he remembered kissing his brother in law.

"Fuck." He muttered, what happened that night? What had he started? The better question was what happened that night that allowed his subconscious to take control? Did that mean a part of his past had been like that? It had felt so natural to pull Graham close, to hold Graham in a way that never felt natural holding his wife.

Brian continued to walk with his hands in his pocket. He just allowed his feet to walk he wasn't sure where he was going. He came to a stop outside what looked like some art show.

Not knowing what came over him he opened the door and walked inside. Few people were around looking at different pieces. He wasn't sure what his interest was in the artwork, but he couldn't keep his eyes from moving from one piece to the other. Brian came to a stop in front of one that seemed angry, but also sad. Two people were painted in the image one seemed to be fading away while the other just watched.

"I see you like this one." A woman said as she came up next to him, "The artist stepped out for a bit, but I'm sure he will be back soon."

"Justin Taylor." Brian said seeing the name next to the picture, "I've heard that name before." He wasn't sure where he had, but the name seemed like a light had turned on inside his head.

"I hope so, he was a huge success in New York." The girl said, "Anyways, I just started but I can go get Lindsey she is the gallery curator."

"No." he shook his head, "I should go. I don't need this." He took one last look at the photo. He turned to leave when another one caught his eyes, "What-" he looked closer the picture seemed a bit older then all the others, but it looked like a man lying naked. The man looked like him."

"Oh that one." The girl said with a smile, "That was one of Justin's first pictures that he sold back when he could still draw by hand."

An image flashed into his mind of a blonde boy lying on the ground covered in blood.

"It's strange how much you look like the guy in the picture." The girl said looking at the picture and back to Brian.

"I have to go." Brian said quickly. He began moving to the door, when he reached it he took one glance back. His eyes met with a woman for a moment. She was holding a wine glass and as their eyes met it seemed shock washed over her face as she let the wine glass fall from her hand. Brian turned away breaking the stare and headed out the door.

He allowed himself to disappear in the crowed, unable to hear the woman calling his name as she tried to push her way to him through all the people.


"You kissed her husband?" Liam asked his brother trying to not yell at his sick twin.

Justin smirked, "Fuck, I knew I'd like you."

"Shut up Justin." Liam shot him a glare. Liam knew Justin once lived a life where staying by one person's side seemed impossible, he knew Justin easily stood on the line between wanting one person in his life or many.

"I don't know, he kissed me first." Graham muttered. "When he was drunk, the way he pulled me close and danced with me." He leaned back on his pillow, "And the way he kissed me that night I couldn't stop thinking about it."

"You might hope this sickness kills you, because Alex will when she finds out." Liam shook his head, "That you want to steal her husband."

"I don't want to steal her husband, and he's strait so that won't work." Graham paused, "I think."

"You think?" Justin asked, "What's that mean?"

"Just, that night when I found him in the club I think I've seen him before." Graham told them.

"Of course you've seen him before, he's been with Alex for six years." Liam told him.

"I've seen him dance before." Graham told him, "I don't remember when, I don't remember where but I have seen him dance."

"No offense but can you really trust any of those memories from your club days?" Liam asked, "You were on god knows what back then."

"Something about the way he danced at the club I know I've seen it before, the drugs are why I can't remember when or where, but I know I've seen him before." Graham told them stubbornly.

"And now you think he's pretending to go strait?" Liam asked.

"No." Graham muttered, "I think he thinks he is strait."

Justin sighed and shook his head, "You love your sister's husband, don't you?"

"I don't love him." Graham muttered, "That isn't what this is about."

"Honey." Liam sat on his twin's bed.

"Don't honey me, the guy has no memory of who he is or who he was!" Graham told his brother and Justin, "He only knows the past his mother wants him to know, what if he was gay and she made up some lie to make him into the son she always wanted!"

"Do you know how crazy you sound?" Liam asked, "Who would do that?"

Justin sat down in the chair Brian had been sitting in only an hour before. A smell caught his attention. He closed his eyes as he remembered the first man he had ever loved. He could smell cologne that he had long ago forgot. He opened his eyes and looked over at Graham for a moment wondering if he had been wearing the smell.

"I don't know." Graham sighed, "Maybe I am sounding crazy, must be the meds they have me on."

"What happened when you kissed him?" Justin asked

"He-" Graham paused, "Kissed me back. Then ran away."

"How did he kiss you?" Justin asked

"Why do you want to know how he kissed?" Liam asked looking over at his partner.

"Because his reaction will tell us what he was feeling." Justin told Liam.

"He-" Graham thought back to the kiss, "Froze for a moment, then he took his hand placed it behind my head and pulled me closer." He smiled, "It was nice." He frowned, "Then he freaked out an ran away."

"Graham, if you need somewhere to stay, you can stay at the loft with us." Liam interrupted, "In case you don't want to go back to their house."

"If I get out of here." Graham muttered.

"You will." Liam liked that they were changing the subject, he was worried his brother was falling in love with a man he could never have, he was worried Graham was digging himself a very deep and dangerous hole. He couldn't go after Alex's husband the family would never recover from something like that. It had taken so long for the three siblings to come together Liam didn't want that all falling apart.


"You don't understand!" Lindsey was frantic as she spoke with Mel; "I saw him and he looked at me like he didn't even know me!"

"Well we always knew he was an ass." Mel told her partner.

"I just assumed he was sick." Lindsey shook her head, "I assumed he left because he didn't want people to watch him die, but he's here in the city!"

"Like I said, he's an ass." Mel told her.

"How could he not come see Gus?" Lindsey continued, "How could he stay away?"

"Because he's-"

"An ass I know!" Lindsey allowed herself to fall down onto the couch. "I almost wished he was sick all this time so I could excuse the way he left and never came back."

"I know honey." Mel said as she moved to sit next to her wife. "But you have to remember who he was, did you really think he would stick around forever?"

"You don't know him the way I did." Lindsey told Mel, "You might not understand him but it's just strange the way he left."

"Honey everything about him isn't normal." The red head sighed, "I thought you knew that by now?"

"But for him to just up and leave Gus behind?" she asked, "Something happened, maybe he is sick maybe he just doesn't want-"

"You will always make an excuse for him." Mel shook her head, it was a losing battle to try and make Brian seem like a bad guy in Lindsey's eyes she would defend him until the day she died.

"Just think about it after the bombing Brian changed he wanted a life with Justin he was ready to take on a life that wasn't about partying. How could that all change so quickly?" Lindsey asked.

"He's Brian Kinney." Mel responded, "No matter what happens to him, no matter what time does he will always belong dancing in a club."

"That doesn't explain why he looked at me and didn't even know me." Lindsey said, "Or why he walked into my place and didn't expect me to see him."

"Maybe he didn't know it was your place until he was already there, you said he had been studying Justin's work." Mel's face fell, "You can't tell Justin."

"Why not?" Lindsey asked.

"Do you really want him to throw his life away to chase after Brian again?" she asked, "Don't try and say it won't happen you and I know that it will. If Justin knows Brian is back in the end he will give up everything he has ever wanted and run back to him."

"Isn't Brian all he really wants?" Lindsey asked.

"No, he wants a life with one person, he wants to get married, he wants a big house and he wants kids." Mel told her.

"Brian was ready to give him that once." Lindsey defended.

"Do you really think Brian would have stuck around for that?" Mel asked, "Could you really see him as a married man with children in a big house?"

"No." Lindsey said, "I suppose I could never even imagine what that would look like."

"Because it would never happen, Brian Kinney would never get married, never buy a beautiful house and have kids." Mel argued, "Yes he asked Justin to marry him, yes he bought a house, but it would never last not with Brian. He would never be happy with that life."

"I think he would, with the right person." Lindsey said, "But I suppose you are right, Brian is staying away for a reason it would only hurt Justin if we told him." She paused, "And Gus, it would only hurt him if he knew his father was so close, but didn't-" she stopped herself, "Didn't come around." She never thought Brian would be like his father, she wasn't sure if she was sad or mad knowing Brian was staying away from his son when he was so close.


Justin smiled as he looked at some of his old pictures that Daphne had as he helped her pack. She was getting married in a week an moving in with her guy, so she had to pack up her apartment.

"Look how young we were." Justin said looking at a picture from their senior year.

"Back when it was the two of us against the world." Daphne said as sat down next to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and smiled, "That was right before you met Brian."

"Then it all changed." Justin grinned.

"Here is one from Prom, I took it while you two were dancing." She smiled as he flipped to the new picture.

"I wish I could remember that clearly." Justin said, "I get parts of it sometimes."

"I wish you could too, it was magical, in that moment I knew you two belonged together." She sighed, "What happened to him?"

"I don't know." Justin sighed, "I wish I did, my biggest fear was he found out he was sick and didn't want anyone to know."

"I wouldn't put that past him." She said, "He was always so proud." She paused, "I hate to ask, but are you over him."

Justin looked at his best friend, he wanted to tell her he was, but she could read him she knew him. "I'll never be over him."

"Do you love Liam?" she asked

"Of course I do!" Justin looked at his best friend, "I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't"

"But if Brian walked through that door right now, what would you do?" Daphne asked.

Justin sighed, once again he wanted to say it wouldn't change anything, but in truth it would change everything. "I love Liam, Brian would never marry me."

"He wanted to once."

"Because he was scared, he thought I had almost died." He paused, "We never go married in the end."

"Because you left." Daphne spoke softly, "That was his biggest fear."

"He told me too." Justin defended himself.

"But you never came back." She looked at her hands, in truth Justin had been successful in New York at times she wondered if he forgot his friends back here.

Justin sighed, "I suppose I didn't, maybe if I had Brian would have stuck around." He paused, "I feel like he's going to pop up at any moment."

"Maybe he will, but Justin if he does don't throw everything you have away with Liam unless you know the life Brian will give you is what you really want." She paused, "No kids, no marriage, no house."

Justin looked at his hands, "The day Liam asked me to marry him I thought I saw Brian he was watching me."

"Was it him?" She asked.

"I don't know." Justin shrugged his shoulders, "Only a moment I thought I saw his face when I was about to say yes." He paused, "I doubt it was him."

"Why?"

"Because when I took a closer look he had turned around, wrapped his arm around a girl who seemed a lot like his wife and lifted a boy onto his shoulders. They looked like a married couple with a son and a child on the way."

"That most certainly wasn't Brian." Daphne smirked, "Can you imagine him ever marrying a woman?"

"Never." Justin grinned, but couldn't help but remember his disappointment that day when he realized the man wasn't Brian.

"Anyways, I wanted to tell you." Daphne said smiling. "Derek and I are having a baby."

"A baby!" Justin grinned happy the conversation changed, "Congratulations Daph."

"It was a bit of an accident, but I couldn't be happier, and he's happy too." She smiled, "I can't wait until you an Liam announce you are adopting or having a surrogate carry your baby."

Justin laughed, "That won't be a for a long time, sometimes I wonder if we are ever even going to make it down the isle."

"What?" She asked, "I thought you said you two were doing better?"

"We are." Justin gave a softer smile, "But as much as I want that life, marriage a house, and kids I have a hard to imagining it."

"You will be great at that life." Daphne told him, "I know it."


It had been a few days since Brian had been at the hospital, he wasn't sure what to think or what to do. The way Graham had made him feel scared him, the way he reacted scared him. He didn't want to ignore Graham and he valued their friendship they had formed, but he wasn't sure what happened. He walked slowly into the room and saw his friend was sleeping.

He sat down in the chair and just watched him sleep. He could think over everything that had happened. This time last year everything had seemed perfect. He could remember how happy he had been, how he had been able to smile and look at his beautiful wife and son. Back then he could ignore the nagging feeling that something was wrong.

The pressure that came from having a second child seemed to force the anxiety that he tried to hide forward. His eyes moved from Graham to the few photo on the side table. There was one photo from when Kaylee was born Brian, Alex, Tristan, and the babies were in the photo. There were a few photos of other people he was about to look away when one photo caught his eye. He recognized the guy in the photo as Liam, Graham's twin brother. Liam was smiling in the photo and a man stood behind him his hands wrapped around Liam in a loving embrace.

'In that moment I could see why Debbie calls you sunshine.' His own voice echoed through his mind.

He couldn't take his eyes off the photo; he reached up and took the photo in his hands bringing it closer. Both men were blonde in the photo, but the man that wasn't Liam had Brian's attention. He had seen this man before. He closed his eyes and tried to remember.

It came in flashes it was very hard to see or understand what was going on. The image was at night and it seemed either steam or smoke filled his eyes as he tried to see who was walking closer. The man in the photo seemed younger as he walked up and leaned on a lamppost or something. Their eyes met, beautiful blue grey eyes.

The same way the flash of an image came it left. His eyes focused back on to picture, he could swear the man in the photo had been the boy in that image.

"That's Justin and Liam." Graham's voice replied showing signs that he had just woke up.

"Justin." He muttered, "Justin."

"He's hot isn't he?" Graham joked.

Brian got pulled out of his trance, "I just thought I might have met him before he seems familiar."

"You've probably seen pictures of him he and Liam have been together for almost three years." Graham sat up in his bed; "I didn't think I would see you here again."

"Because you kissed me?" Brian asked putting the photo back.

"Brian I-" he didn't know what to say, what to do.

"It's alright, it's my fault what ever came over me the night you found me at the bar, I sent you the wrong signals." Brian told him, "It doesn't change anything."

"It doesn't?" Graham asked.

"No, at least I hope it doesn't I've really come to value your friendship since you came to live with us." He told him.

Graham smiled, "Me too."

"Good, so let's agree nothing happened." He paused, "I've just been a mess as of late, and I'm going to turn myself around I'm going to be a better husband to Alex it's about time I stop worrying about what ever was in my past and look to the future I have and not the past I can't remember."

"But what if there is someone out there looking for you?" Graham asked, "Have you ever wondered that?"

"You know they died in the car accident." Brian sighed.

"You don't know that, what if-" he paused, "There is more out there?"

"Are you trying to get me to leave your sister?" Brian asked.

"No-" he paused, "Yes."

"What?"

Graham sighed, "It's just I want you to be happy and I don't think that will ever happen with my sister."

"And why not?"

"Brian I've watched you this whole time I've been living with you. I've seen the way your eyes scan a crowed as if you are looking for someone every time we enter a room. I've seen the way you look at my sister I know you love her, but I also know you aren't in love with her." Graham looked at his hands. "I've seen what love is, being in love is and the way you look at my sister isn't how I looked at Ted."

"Ted?"

"A guy from my past." Graham sighed, "I loved him, but it didn't work and he really loved me."

"Why didn't it work?" Brian asked hoping to change the subject.

"My drugs." Then Graham frowned, "Anyways Brian if you really think you can work things out with my sister go for it, but if there is any part of you that agrees with my feelings, that believes in your dreams then figure it all out."

"I don't know how." Brian sighed, "I don't know how to make sense of my own mind."

"Maybe you should stop fighting it." Graham told him, "Maybe you should stop trying to make sense with your mind and just allow yourself to remember."

"You make it seem easy." Brian's eyes glanced back to the photo next to Graham's bed. His eyes found the beautiful blue grey eyes and blonde hair. "I'll never find the image I dream about anyways. Every time I see someone who is blonde my heart races, and then I see those eyes, beautiful blue grey eyes." He continued to look at the photo, "But no one ever had that smile."

Graham looked at the photo of Liam and Justin, "Why do you keep looking at that picture?"

"I don't know, but even that one his smile is all wrong." He paused, "Fuck I don't even know why I'm looking at a photo of a guy and hoping it will be the one from my dream. I know I had a girl friend who died with my son, I'm married to your sister I love her." Nothing ever seemed to make sense in his mind; speaking out loud sometimes just made it sound crazier.

"Brian I hate to break it to you, but a guy that is one hundred percent strait doesn't dance the way you did that night, doesn't kiss the way you did." Graham sighed, "That night seeing you at the club made me think of a time when I was at Liberty avenue, I don't remember the guy completely but he had a completely fuck you attitude he knew every guy there wanted to fuck him and he wanted to fuck as many as he could." He paused, "Seeing you in that club that night for some reason made me think of that guy." Graham shrugged, "I remember Ted said that guy was his friend, but was taken in a way he had a kind of boy friend, but the two messed around. I remember seeing those two dance together later that night. The way they danced the way they looked at each other." He smiled, "That was love, Brian what you have with my sister I don't know what that is I know there is fondness but I don't think there is love."

"I can't leave her." Brian looked at his hands, "But sometimes I do wish I never married her, I wish I figured myself out before I jumped into a relationship and a marriage and then children sometimes it just seems to much." He hadn't realized Alex walked into the room just has he spoken his last few sentences.

"Then don't worry about it." Her voice nearly broke, "we shouldn't go to therapy anymore, its clearly over because you think it never should have happened." She turned and hurried from the room tears in her eyes.

"Fuck" Brian muttered, he glanced at Graham who seemed just as surprised to see his sister walk in. Brian stood up without saying anything else and hurried after his wife.

I'm broken and I'm barely breathing.

I'm falling because my heart stopped beating.

This is how it all goes down.


AN- Another one, mostly filler next episode someone from Brian's past will finally bump into him, but who?