"Ryder!" Evfra shouted, his chest ached as she flinched. His hand slammed down on the terminal, cutting the connection half way through her declaration. "Ancestors! What was that? Is that your idea of fixing things? You are making a mess of the situation."
He was the only one who heard the second bit of that he was sure. His heart thudded against his ribs as if he had been racing. Ire and rage surged up his chest, chasing away all his misconception from before. He saw what he wanted to see. Ryder, whole and well, always with a hidden smile behind everything she did. Playing the game within the game, one step ahead of everyone. Maybe she scrapped by but she always came back. She always recovered.
The Skye Ryder before him wasn't the one who bid him goodbye that day. That Skye Ryder didn't return.
"Resigning?" he asked, anguish made him lash out in anger, turning his voice curt and cutting. "That's your solution?"
She pulled the hood back over her head. It seemed to swallow her alive as she hid from him. She was a husk collapsing in on herself. Evfra's jaw tightened, disappointed at her recklessness, at his blindness to her pain.
"What's wrong with you?" he growled, his arms tightened over her shoulders, attempting to put her back together by sheer force.
"Say something!"
Ryder looked down, her face completely shrouded by the infernal hood. He could feel tiny tremors running through her body.
She's shaking. I did that. What happened? You're my special girl. What happened?
Frustration boiled to the surface, he pulled the hood off her head. She flinched, eyes wild, looking at him. His special girl was crying. Tears stood in her eyes as she fought them back. His chest tightened painfully seeing her completely and utterly lost and broken. A lump formed in his throat as he pulled her close. "Ryder, just let it out."
But she struggled against him. "No." The word came out like a moan at first then more forcefully.
He let go. And she ran.
Ryder escaped from Resistance HQ with everyone staring holes at her back. Her scars were on full display, red and raw, throbbing painfully. It took her hours to calm enough before she made her way back to the hospital. Nobody questioned her as she walked with red-rimmed eyes back to her room. She stared at herself in the mirror and her shoulders started shaking again. She was a mess and she knew it. By the time, Lexi arrived for the daily check up, she had shed her weight in tears. Ryder had gone from gut-wrenching guilty to soul-numbingly blank.
Lexi smiled kindly, keeping her updated on the comings and goings of the others. "Oh, they can't wait for you to be back in command," she said. "Cora might have been a little too strict with what she let them get away with."
There was no mention of her explosive resignation. There was no mention of her near hysterical outburst at Resistance HQ. Nothing at all.
Has Evfra told nobody? Did the Leadership even hear me at the end there? Fuck, I can't even quit my job properly.
She grunted, pulling her hood back up the moment Lexi was done. The asari sighed. "It will fade, the stitches will dissolve soon too," she said trying to make her feel better. "And once your hair grows back nobody can see it."
Ryder just curled up onto her left side, pressing her scars on her face and head against the pillow. "I'm tired, Lexi," she whispered.
For a while, Lexi didn't speak. Ryder kept her eyes resolutely aimed at the window though there was nothing interesting there. She felt a hand on her shoulder, a single squeeze then Lexi left.
Ryder was alone. Was it only weeks ago when everything was normal? Is this my new normal?
Somehow she felt worse than before, her stomach and sides ached badly for days. Ryder ignored it, sure it was due to her lying in bed all day. Lexi had repeatedly told her that her survival was a miracle. Her recovery was nothing short of fantastical.
Skye Ryder the Irreplaceable Pathfinder, the Redundant Hero.
Sleep remained elusive, her head pounded near constantly. Lexi had given her medication, it left her head fuzzy but it did nothing for her insomnia. But she endured, because she was irreplaceable.
Not fucking anymore. I'll have to get an omni-tool and do it in writing.
She blinked, slow and heavy, gazing out the window. Aya's nights were pretty. Her eyes watching the flares of molten spray in the distance following the clouds of steam where liquid rock met water.
In the silence, insidious and poisonous thoughts wormed their way out of cervices. Every voice took a stab at her actions, picking apart everything she had done. Nothing was good enough, she was never fast enough. Thoughts swirled inside her brain like a maelstrom. She blinked, realising the sun had set and denizens of Aya were all asleep. Time stretched and compressed in strange ways when she listened to the endless voices in her head.
The voices were too loud and her head was a mess.
Ryder sighed, willing her thoughts to silence. They merely withdrew to return later. The static in her head buzzed angrily as the missing chunk of time loomed large. She stared across the chasm. There was nothing but distant flashes of light in the darkness. Her fingers groped the edges of the hole in her memory. It still pulsed urgently but it was hopelessly beyond her grasp.
What was it about some special dinner? The articles on the extranet did mention that the memory could be scrambled by the injury. Why am I so fucking tired all the time? I'll feel better once I tender my resignation properly. I'm just still recovering and the headaches don't help one bit.
She sighed, shifting to get into a more comfortable position, her shooting pain ran up her side as she did so. Her hands tugged the blanket up her chest, shivering a little. Why am I so cold?
The door hissed open. It must one of the nurses again. She refused to turn over, hoping they would go away if they thought she was sleeping. Ryder kept her breathing slow and even. Footsteps approached and the chair facing her creaked as a weight settled into it.
No, no, no. Go away. Leave me alone!
Ryder kept her eyes closed and body limp. A presence grew near and a hand held her own. Five fingers, two of which were webbed.
Jaal?
A familiar buzzing grazed her face. One finger traced her line of her jaw, brushing against her cheek. It brought back memories of her panic when she first woke up. She fought her body's instinct to tense. Ryder would recognise that bio-electricity signature anywhere. Evfra.
"Ryder, are you awake?" he whispered.
She kept up with her pretending, simultaneously praying he would go away and hoping he'd never taking his hand away again.
The leader of the Resistance must have been tired, he didn't noticed how coiled her body was, a spring ready to burst apart. His breath left his mouth in a sigh. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm a coward. Sneaking in here like this. I should be doing this when you're awake."
More sounds of shifting as he took his hand away from her face. The absence made her breath catch.
"Ryder I meant what I said you are irreplaceable."
That fucking word again. She had half a mind to sit up and slap him just to get the word out of her head.
"But I am not just talking about the plight of your people," Evfra went on oblivious how close he was to getting smacked. "I am talking about me as well."
What? Ryder's mind raced. What is he talking about? But she remained still, committed to the pretense.
"I was blind didn't recognise the pain you were in. I shouldn't have kept my distance. Being busy is just an excuse," he said. "You're-"
Evfra sighed. A sound so heavy it pressed against her chest. Ryder knew she cared for the angara. There was never a doubt in that. She cared for him like she did with the rest of her crew. Sure they fucked from time to time but they were friends and comrades, they had each other's backs. Though it was mostly in the boardroom, negotiating with the Nexus than on the battlefield but the principle still applied. They didn't need any commitment beyond that.
Evfra stood up and bent over her head. With every breath, she took in his scent, strong musk laced with the natural citrusy undertone of angaras. He pressed his lips onto her forehead before whispering.
"You're my special girl."
It was lightning shot through her head. Blood pounded so loud in her ears she heard nothing else. A heat rose from her core and flushed through her body. It was like her brain synapses being fried as Evfra's words echoed over and over again in her ears.
Special girl.
