Loaren woke up to quiet voices behind her. As she opened her eyes, she looked right into Ori´s face.

‚Uh, I am sorry to interrupt, but you are blocking the door and Bilbo...he is really hungry.' Ori managed a smile and pointed at Bilbo, who was tapping his foot onto the floor in his impatience. His stomach grumbled loudly and made Loaren chuckle.

‚I apologise.' Loaren stood up and managed to supress a yawn. She realised that she was hungry herself, but she needed a moment of privacy before that. ‚I will meet you downstairs.'

Ori and Bilbo nodded at her and made their way down and Loaren took a moment to think about her situation. She would need to play with open cards now. It was still a long way to Ered Luin and this would be a tiresome journey if nothing but mistrust would stand between them. With a sigh, Loaren washed her face, freshened up and bound her hair up. Since the room was lockable, she left her weapons and her mask in the room and walked down only in her black trousers and tunic. She noticed that the men in the Inn eyed her curiously and with interest, but she straightly made her way to the table where the dwarves were sitting. She waited for Thorin´s reluctant nod before she sat down and bit her lip as she looked into the curious faces of the dwarves and the hobbit. Only the king seemed disinterested.

‚You want to know everything?' she sighed and took a deep breath. It was not the time to hide anymore.

‚Everything, you do not seem that old, just start with your birth.' Dwalin grinned at her and obviously enjoyed her discomfort.

Loaren sighed and took a breath to start, but Ori interrupted her.

‚First, tell us your real name.' Ori asked her and Loaren could tell, that the scribe had not yet forgiven her for not having told the truth.

‚My name is Loaren. Ren is the short form.' at least, Loaren had not lied about that.

‚Does it mean something in the eastern language?' Ori wanted to know.

‚It means lizard.' Loaren sighed, for she was not proud of that name.

‚Lizard?' Dwalin chocked on his cider. ‚You got to be joking.'

‚No...lizard it is.' Loaren looked him straight in the eye and frowned as he fought a laugh. ‚My father was not happy that I was a girl.'

‚And what about your mother?' Bilbo asked. ‚She must have had some saying in this.'

‚Eastern women have no saying in anything.' Loaren stated grimly. ‚And she was not even my father´s wife, she gave birth to me and that was all she had to do. I was brought up by the whole household and when I was four, my mother died.'

Before anyone could voice his sympathy, Loaren continued.

‚King Dario is my father.' she could hear the gasps around her, but stubbornly looked down at her hands. ‚My mother was one of his slaves. I do not remember her and I do not feel her loss. When I was fourteen, my father tried to marry me off to a lord who stood in his graces, but I refused to follow his wishes. I managed to repell every suitor in the next three years, but then my father made me chose between marriage and exile. I chose exile and the king threw me out onto the streets, with nothing more than the clothes I was wearing. The first days were...hard and challenging. Men are not used to a girl wandering the streets of Rhun on her own. At first, my royal attire saved me from the worst, but then, my appearance did not discourage them anymore. I was lucky that I found a pair of trousers and a filthy tunic on the streets and that I still had a small knife with me. I cut my hair, changed into the filthy clothes and made my way out of my city. What?'

Loaren paused as she heard the horrified gasps around her and looked up to see all the dwarves looking at her with big eyes, only the king was frowning as usual.

‚You...you cut your hair?' Ori looked at her with big eyes. ‚But...how short?'

The scribe let out a pained yelp as Loaren held her thumb and her index finger together only inches apart.

‚I was a young girl, with the short hair I looked like a boy.' Loaren could not understand the dwarve´s shock. ‚What is it about my hair?'

‚You have so beautiful hair!' it was the first time that Dori adressed her and she could see true pity on his face.

‚I think that she does not know what significance hair has to dwarves.' Bilbo adressed the company and turned back to Loaren. ‚You see, dwarves only cut their hair in shame or in deep regret for a crime or something like that. It is a sign of disgrace cutting of one´s hair and it is the last resort before death.'

‚Oh.' Loaren looked at Dori who nodded at that. ‚Well, I really had no other choice. In fact, you could say that I was living in shame then, for it as my duty as a princess, even if I was only a bastard, to do as my father wished. I should have married the man he had chosen for me, it was all I could do for our society. I did not and I had to carry the consequences.'

‚Your father forced you to pledge your life to a man who had not chosen. I think it is understandable that you refused.' Bilbo stated, but Loaren only smiled sadly.

‚I was in a position where I had no right to refuse. I was born into royalty and as such, I had no right to live my own life as I wanted to. My duty should have been with my people.' Loaren could see something change in Thorin´s expression, but he still feigned disinterest, so she looked away again. ‚ Anyway, I wandered the wild until I found the camp of the immortals. It was the only place where I could go and the mask gave me a certain security in life. I spent the next years with them as a common warrior, but my mentor, who is actually the man who is sitting in Bree with the rest of my men, saw something in me that others did not. He trained me harder than the others and made me his deputy after five years. Then, he revealed my secret in front of everyone else by pulling of the mask in front of my comrades. But none of them took it badly that I was a woman, granted, I had to break a few noses after that, but that was nothing. My mentor had always known that I was a woman, for I seemed to have moved too feminine for a man, but he did not care. He was only interested in me as a warrior and with time, I learned to trust him and told him who I was. We returned to Rhun and I was made the leader of the immortals. My education in the royal household had given me some skills on diplomacy, as well as knowledge about the lifestyle of the upper class of Rhun. I noticed intrigues and knew how some lords used bribe to get what they wanted. That knowledge was of advantage in our business and gave me the high ground. My father was surprised to see me, for he had thought me dead. But then he used my connection to the mercenaries and began to use us for his own goals. He loaned us to his allies and used us to get rid of his enemies. In the end, I ran from one obligation and got stuck into another. I have never been free, but at least now I have the illusion of living the life I chose for myself.'

Loaren was done with her story and felt relief flow through her body. It was the first time ever, that she had spoken about her life and she did not understand why she had told it all to those dwarves. This trust in them scared her more than anything they could have done to her.

The silence at the table was disturbed by the grumbling stomach of the hobbit, who stood up with a huff.

‚Very interesting, really, but I cannot believe that I still did not have breakfast.' he grumbled and walked away to get something to eat.

Loaren had to smile and felt hungry herself. She turned to Ori and smiled at the scribe. ‚I apologise that I have not told you about my gender. But I thought that as a female, you might understand...'

Loaren noticed that she had said something funny as Thorin's head snapped into her direction with an amused expression. Ori´s big eyes and Dwalin´s roaring laughter made her stop midsentence. Dori looked offended and Thorin still looked as if he tried his best to fight his laughter.

‚What?' Loaren looked back at them with big eyes.

‚I am male.' Ori looked as if he could not decide to find the situation embarassing or funny.

‚Oh my goodness...' Loaren blushed to a deep red. ‚I am so sorry! I thought that you...you behaved...different than the others. You were nice to me from the start.'

‚Oho, if you think that our females are nice, then you are in for a big surprise when you meet Dis.' Dwalin chuckled and laughed as Thorin shot him a glare.

‚I am so sorry, Ori.' Loaren shook her head in defeat. ‚It seems that I have a talent for putting my foot into my mouth.'

‚That´s alright.' Ori smiled honestly for the first time since Loaren had revealed her gender. ‚I was often told that I seem more like a female because of my profession and my small beard. And it should not be something to be ashamed off, really. You did not seem to be ashamed for being mistaken for a man.'

‚Indeed, no.' Loaren smiled. ‚On the contrary, being mistaken for a man made my life easier. Men are either overprotective over their women or they supress them. That´s why I ctually thought that you were a female...your brothers were very protective of you and also Dwalin...'

‚Alright, the hobbit already starved, now I think we should get something to eat, ey?' Dwalin jumped up and quickly walked away in a hurry.

Ori blushed, Loaren grinned, Dori frowned and Thorin could not help but smirk into his beard – that, only Loaren saw.

0

After a long breakfast, during which Bilbo complained that he had missed the funny part because he had to get his breakfast, the small company made for Ered Luin again. Loaren rode with Bilbo and Ori, but this time, she did not wear her mask. She felt more free than she had felt in the last months and enjoyed the warm sun on her face. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She did not see Thorin turn around and look at her for a long time before turning to the road again.

The dwarf king had been furious about her betrayal, but after she had told them her story, he felt more at ease. Deep inside of him he could understand her motives, but his pride forbid him to forgive her that easily. It had impressed her how she had managed to gain control of her own life under such circumstances and he admired her bravery for the choices she had made. He still felt insecure around her, now even more than before and hoped that their trip to Ered Luin would ease some of his feelings. In Ered Luin, Dis would slap all of these feelings right our of his head. Whatever those feelings were.

Dwalin was riding right behind him, trying his best to ignore Dori´s glares and Ori´s smiles. He cursed the damn woman for having pointed out his interest in Ori and he would have his petty revenge.

It took them one day more to reach Mirkwood. Thorin had sent a message to Thranduil, asking him for permission to cross his kingdom again, but he had not gotten an answer. But there was no way around Mirkwood if they wanted to get to Ered Luin before winter was coming. This time though, Thorin would not stray from the path.

Loaren felt as if she had returned to Rhun again, the same atmosphere that had poisened her home had also poisoned this kingdom. Mirkwood was dark, threatening and the air smelled foul, just like the crops in her homeland. When Bilbo told her about the giant spiders, Loaren sighed deeply.

‚Is there no way around?' Loaren was highly alarmed as soon as they had entered the forest.

‚Sadly not.' Bilbo did not like the idea of riding through the forest either. ‚Try not to take too many deep breaths the air is full of...just be careful.'

‚I will, master hobbit, I will.' Loaren tried not to sound too nervous. She was a warrior and a mercenary and she would not let this forest cloud her mind. Or so she thought.

Two days after they had entered the forest, Loaren started to understand the power of the foul air in that forest. The world started spinning and she felt as if she rode backwards instead of forwards. When the others spoke, it sounded hollow and stretched, as if everything passed slower than usual. She felt drunk and she felt tired. It was obvious that the others felt it was well, for Thorin started to yell orders which made no sense, Dwalin said nothing at all and Dori looked more nervous the deeper they rode into the dark.

Another two days passed and they had only crossed half the forest altough they were riding swiftly. They took a rest near the enchanted water and Bilbo told Loaren that he had climbed up the trees to look where they had been heading. The perspective of fresh air sounded lovely in Loaren's ears and she decided to give it a try.

‚I'll come with you.' Bilbo needed fresh air himself, but Thorin seemed reluctant.

‚I cannot afford the both of you to break your backs when you fall. Last time you fell as well.' he scolded the hobbit.

‚Last time, my feet got tangled in webs.' Bilbo shuddered at the memory. ‚It won't happen this time. We only need air and the sun, we are not used to this.'

Bilbo spoke for Loaren as well, for he knew that Thorin would give in in his favor, but not if she asked. Besides, Loaren did not seem to feel at ease near the king and would never ask for a favor.

‚Be careful.' Thorin sighed and helped the hobbit up into the first branches, while Loaren watched them in silence. When Bilbo had reached the middle branches, she started to climb as well, with a last assuring glance at the dwarf king. She felt unwanted and unwelcome and she was sure that nobody would be sad about it if she really fell and broke her neck. Fighting the dark thoughts, Loaren followed the hobbit until she felt a breeze in her hair. With a deep breath, she looked around and enjoyed the warm feeling of the sun as well as the wind playing with her curls.

‚This is good, isn't it?' Bilbo smiled at her reaction.

‚This is the best I have felt for days.' Loaren sighed. ‚This forest is more than depressing. It makes one feel as dead as it is. I wonder if the elves of Mirkwood are that secluded because they have to live in this environment.'

‚I have never thought about that.' Bilbo mused. ‚Maybe...although it seems that the king of Mirkwood tries to keep his kin secluded for their own good. To him, everything foreign is a threat.'

‚He is not the only one.' Loaren murmured and made the hobbit chuckle.

‚Thorin has no reason to trust others but his kin, he has been disappointed too often.' he winced as he saw Loaren's troubled face. ‚Oh no, I did not mean you.'

‚I know that he does not trust me one bit, master hobbit.' Loaren stated more sadly than she intended to. ‚And I doubt that I will ever earn his trust.'

Bilbo was about to say something as he heard Thorin's yell.

‚Master hobbit, I suggest you come back down here, we do not want to linger!'

‚See? He cares about you, but not me.' Loaren smiled bitterly, but she also wondered why she even cared about it. Never before had she cared about anyone liking her or not. ‚Let's go.'

Bilbo climbed down first and Loaren followed him. Climbing down was far more difficult than up and Loaren slipped a few times. Bilbo was more sure on his bigger feet and he reached the ground without any problems. Loaren looked down and saw that Thorin looked at her in annoyance. She tried to climb down faster, but then one of her feet got caught and she lost her grip on the branch she was holding on to. With a yelp, she slid down the rest of the tree feet first, but she did not fall. Strong hands slid up her sides and she felt a hard body behind her as she was caught before she could hit the ground. One arm was wrapped around her waist and the other held her up by the shoulder and she was pressed against a warm chest. In relief for not having fallen, she relaxed and melted against the body behind her for a split second. Time almost stood still and she felt safe for the first time in her life.

‚Excuse me, would you mind? Or do you need me to carry you to your horse?' a deep voice growled into her ear from behind.

Loaren jumped and turned around to find herself face to face with the king. His arms were still wrapped around her, but the look he gave her was cold and extremly annoyed. With a quick step backwards against the trunk of the tree, Loaren brushed off his arms and struggled for words.

Thorin looked back at the immortal and tried to focus again. He had seen her fall and had moved towards her to catch her, but he had not been prepared for the full body contact. Her body slid down his own as she fell and he could feel his palms move over her sides. He pressed her against him to prevent her from smashing to the ground and felt her relax in his arms. Her head sank against his shoulder, her back leaned against his chest and her curls fell into his face. All of a sudden Thorin felt heavily intoxicated, even more than he already felt because of this forest and cleared his throat. When he started speaking he could feel Loaren stiffen and winced as she turned around in his arms, the length of her body brushing over his. He frowned at her and clenched his jaw at her shocked reaction. When she realised that he had caught her, she backed away and slapped his hands away from her. Thorin felt his anger override his...by Mahal, what was he even feeling? Before he could figure it out, Mordor broke lose around them.