7; broken
I've got this memory, you see?
I'm sixteen, sitting in the front seat of Demyx's shitty ass midnight blue Toyota, with a cigarette poised between my fingers and my feet propped up on the dash. We've got the windows rolled down because the AC doesn't work. Zex and Marluxia are sleeping in the backseat and Demyx is nodding his head along to some shit that's playing on the radio. I glance at the clock. Two minutes away from turning seventeen.
I remember I didn't sleep much when she returned. I barely averaged three hours per night. My grandparents started to worry so they let loose on the leash they held over me and started letting me go out during the summer. Reno was never home that summer because he started working long hours at Shinra Records and became one of the main reasons why we got our record deal when we did.
Demyx glances down at the clock and his hands tighten around the steering wheel in excitement, "Almost time."
"I know." I reply, flicking ash out the window. We're driving with no direction.
"Can you tell me what you remember about her?"
I toss my cigarette out the window and dig around in my front pocket for the pack.
"You sure you want to know?"
"It's not that bad is it?"
I bang it against my hand for a few seconds and then pull another cigarette out and light up, "Define bad." I reply, pocketing the lighter and my pack of cigarettes. It's a horrible habit I've picked up in the last few months, but it calms me down.
"I don't know."
I shrug my shoulders dismissively and slump back into the chair as I feel fatigue washing over me, "Well, let's try this. Where do you want me to start?"
"Anywhere you want to, I guess."
A cloud of smoke disperses in front of me and flows toward the window.
"Sorry to say, but I don't remember all of it. I've got the scars; I just don't have the complete story to go with them. The ever infallible Dr. Wise tells me that it's some type of defense mechanism or some shit. Repression or whatever."
I close my eyes in thought, feeling the breeze from the window ruffle my bare shoulders.
"It's not to say I don't remember certain things, though. I can remember that on a few occasions … after she did something really bad, she would sit at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. She always wore this ratty bathrobe … reminds me of that scratchy, shitty ass carpet that they have in hotels. There was always an empty plate in front of her, an ashtray to her right and her coffee usually sat to her left. If anything had been broken in her rage from the night before, she would usually sweep that into a vacant corner."
I open my eyes and flick my cigarette. According to Ansem, talking about all that shit you've kept buried deep inside is supposed to be cathartic. I thought I'd give it a try.
"When she saw me standing in the door of the kitchen, she'd turn to me and look at me for a while. Then slowly, she'd gesture for me to come to her, promising me that she was okay and she was sorry if she scared me last night. And then she would promise me, promised, that she would never do it again. She would say that she loved me and my brother with all her heart and she promised she'd never do another bad thing again."
I laughed sardonically.
"It wasn't long before she tried to kill me."
-x-
The television was on, but neither of us was watching it. Axel and I were currently sitting on the sofa; him sprawled out across its length with his head in my lap while I ran my hands through his hair and stared up at the ceiling.
"How old were you?"
"If I remember correctly, it was sometime in the late 80s, so you were probably barely out of diapers by then. Guess I was about four or five. She came at me with a knife while I was sleeping. Actually, it was more like she came into the room, proceeded to yank both me and Reno out of bed, screamed at us for about an hour or so and then she tried to kill me. Reno called the cops. That was the night they pulled us out of the house and we went to go live with our grandparents." He pulled the right sleeve of his shirt up to his shoulder and tapped the tattoo on his skin there. The chakrams. "Give me your hand." I removed my right hand from his hair and he placed it on his shoulder. I never noticed it before, but there was a slight concave that ran in a semi-circle around his shoulder. "Got stitched up at the hospital that night, they locked her up and Reno and I were shipped off to our grandparent's house. And that's where I stayed for the next ten or so years."
"What about when you saw her again?"
"What?"
"Didn't you tell me once that she tried to meet her when you were a teenager?"
Axel shrugged dismissively, as he pulled the shirt sleeve back down and then closed his eyes, "Nothing really happened. She came back and she said she wanted to meet Reno and I. Didn't go much further than that. I found out later that she was back to drugging and drinking not too long after she came back to New York. She was gone by New Years of that year." He sighed, "You know, Rox, all this does is reaffirm what I already feel. I was dealing with a crazy psycho bitch back then and I'm most likely going to be dealing with a crazy psycho bitch now. How anyone thought this was a good idea, I'm not going to even fucking ask."
"Is it sick that we're the black sheep in our family and yet when shit hits the fan, we're the person everyone comes running to?"
"I don't think everyone in your family thinks of you as a black sheep, Rox. Just your dad, am I right?" Axel asked, opening his eyes and leaning back to look up at me.
"They just never knew how to deal with me. I still think to some degree they aren't sure how to approach me." I shrugged, "But this isn't about me, this is about you. What about your family? I already know about your grandparents, but what about Reno?"
"He was your typical older brother. We have a typical sibling relationship. You know he was partially responsible in getting me signed? Never ask him for the full story though; he never shuts up about it." Axel sighed, "Apart from that, Rox, if I think about it. My family doesn't hate me. …I was just really fucked up as I was growing up." He opened his eyes so he could look at me, "I just feel out of place sometimes. Or maybe it's just guilt. I don't know. I don't really care to try and make sense of it. I just want to get through this whole thing with my mother without having to kill anyone."
"And that is why I'm going along with you, remember?"
Axel went silent and looked away from me to the muted television in front of us, "You know, I really don't want you to."
"Which is precisely why I'm coming along. Axel, you've seen me at my worst already. Three years ago, the old apartment?"
"That was different." Axel snapped.
I could hear the warning tone in his voice. He was becoming a bit unpredictable these days, more so than usual. I think I understood it to some degree, but I could have been wrong.
When the source of his problems wasn't around, then it was okay to talk about it. That was considered to be safe ground. When it came to confrontation of said source, he got defensive and shut himself off entirely. In other words, it was okay for Axel to talk to me about his past. He didn't mind doing that. But I wasn't allowed to help in confronting whatever the source of his problem was. That, he would deal with on his own terms. It was selfish given everything that had transpired between the two of us, but I think Axel sees it as a way or protecting me from something … a side of himself he doesn't want me to get too close to.
...I mean … I know Axel loves me.
He knows my quirks and habits. (Balancing on the sides of my feet and curling my toes when I wash the dishes, having the hangers turned all one way in the closet.)
My dislikes and likes. (I'll give you a hint, you'll find more in the world that I dislike than like.)
What annoys me. (Everything.)
There's the look of pure venom that overtakes his features whenever I allude to the past or Xemnas. ("If I could, I'd kill the fucker myself if given the chance.")
And then there's the distance in his eyes when I refuse to talk about my relationship with my father. (There's not much to say about that.)
When he's happy, he's all hugs and kisses and sweeping me off my feet when I'm in the middle of doing something important. (No matter of yanking at his hair or kicking at his shoulders is enough to deter him.)
There are the arguments where he storms out of the apartment and leaves me alone for half the night as he goes off and gets trashed at the bar with Demyx. (Only to return at 3 in the morning, spewing drunken apologies of love at me while I hold his hair back as he throws up into the porcelain god for half the night.)
There's his obsession with my ass. (In bed and out.)
His incessant pestering when he wants me to do something. (Those green eyes are murder, sometimes.)
His numerous nicknames for me. (Midget, Shorty, Thumbelina, The Prince, Goldilocks, Roxy, Foxy Roxy, Roxypoo, Roxyboo, Ice Princess. You get the point.)
That lazy smile he always gives me in the morning right before I leave for class. (He makes a habit to block the front door and won't move until I kiss him goodbye.)
I could go on if given the chance.
And even though I know he loves me, there's a part of him that I know he's holding back from me. The person that he used to be. That angry kid from ten years ago who had little regard for anyone else but himself. And since his grandfather's death, I've begun to see that person trying to break through in tiny fragments.
"This is going to be taxing on you mentally." I stated in defense.
"Don't you think I know that?" Axel sighed in aggravation as he sat up abruptly.
"Are you afraid?" I asked calmly.
"What?"
"Are you afraid?" I asked again.
"Rox, are you purposely trying to fuck with me right now?"
I sighed as I got off the couch and walked in the direction of the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, "Your anger is misdirected. I'm not the person you should be snapping at right now. I'm not going to say I understand, because I don't. I can empathize, but I can never fully understand why you feel the way you do about your mother." I replied, "What I'm saying, Axel, is that I'd like to come with you because I know how you can be when faced with a situation that's going to test your temper. Your body language alone screams that you're tense and I don't want you going into this alone. I'm not saying you're going to do something drastic, but I don't need you self destructing at a time like this. Can you understand where I'm coming from?"
Axel flopped over onto the spot where I had been previously sitting and threw his arm over his face, "You just don't know what she was like, Rox. I don't know if you could ever understand what she was like. I don't care if I'm twenty six now or what happened was over twenty years ago. No one gets what she was like and being near her, seeing her? That's going to take me back to a place I don't need to be in right now." He paused for a moment and I waited for him to continue, "She was picture perfect in public, an ideal single mother of two. That's what they thought. 'Oh, she's so delicate after the suicide of her husband. Look at how she's carrying on.' But that woman … " He paused again and sat up so he could look me square in the eye, "That house was a fucking drug den. I'm not talking about baby drugs like bud and shit, I'm talking about the shit that fucking kills you. Heroine, crack, meth, give me a name, she more than likely had it. And then there were the fucking men that she kept around in that damn house. And no, don't get any ideas in your head; none of them were ever stupid enough to ever touch me." He ran a hand through his hair, "It's sickening … the thought of someone that's supposed to protect you would go as far as try to kill you. I don't care about the circumstances, I don't care that she was under stress. She had resources, she had the ability to ask for help and she never did. That, Roxas, is the main source of my problem with that woman that wants to be called my mother."
"What about Reno?" I asked, walking back over to Axel and sitting down beside him. I handed him a glass of water and he shrugged nonchalantly and took it, "What happened to him?"
"He was at school most of the time. I spent more time at home than he did seeing as I wasn't old enough to go to school when we first came to the States. We used to share a room when we were little. When she had her 'company' over, she told us to stay in our room or we'd get punished if we disobeyed. I was the more daring one, always pushing the limits." He shrugged and glanced at the clock, "Figures I'd be the one who'd end up resenting her more years down the line."
"But—"
"Enough, Roxas. Enough." Axel said as he stood up from the chair and jabbed his hands into his pockets, "Do you get it now? Do you understand why I never talked about this with you? Does it make sense? Or are you going to keep badgering me for a story better left dead?"
I stared at him, unable to find any words to say. I lowered my gaze and out of the corner of my eye, I saw his face twitch in what I gauged was disgust.
"Go get your coat." He stated, turning his back to me, "We need to get out to LaGuardia."
-x-
We were quiet on the ride out to the airport.
I knew a little bit about Axel's mother but he'd always been so vague when it came to that aspect of his past. I've always had questions about the unexplained scars that littered his entire body and he's always been a bit hesitant to answer them.
I know stories about a few—(the scar above his left eye from a broken wine glass, the faded burn on his right hip from a "falling" curling iron, another burn on the skin of his right hand from a cigarette, another mishap that lead to another faded scar across his left ankle)—but as far as everything he told me tonight, those paled in comparison.
Axel was distant from the moment we got into the car, too. He seemed disinterested with what was going on around him, reminiscent of how he was for his grandfather's funeral. The radio was turned to some rap station that he wasn't even listening to and I was too lazy to turn from. I checked the time briefly and then pulled out my phone. I searched for Naminé's number and sent her a text.
Need to talk to you tomorrow. Are you free?
8:05PM
Her reply came instantly.
Yes … is everything okay?
8:06PM
I'll explain later. What time?
8:06PM
Anytime after eleven would be preferable.
8:07PM
I'll come over after class. I finish at two tomorrow. See you then.
8:07PM
When I looked up from my phone I could see us nearing the airport. I glanced quickly at Axel but he was still as silent as ever. I turned back to look out the window at my side, closing my eyes and hoping for the best. Axel pulled into the waiting area for arrivals, turned off the car and got out without a word to me. I barely flinched when he slammed the door behind him and walked over to my side of the car and leaned against the backseat door.
I rolled my window down and leaned out slightly so I could look at him, "What time does their flight get in?"
"7:45." He answered without looking at me, "What time is it now?"
I checked my phone, "Fifteen after."
He grimaced slightly and crossed his arms over his chest. I left things at that and turned around so I could sink down into my chair. A breeze blew in through the cracked window, ruffling my hair slightly. I sighed and clicked the button on my phone to check the time again. Barely any time had passed. I leaned forward again out of the window and turned to Axel. I saw him rise slightly and turned to see what he was looking at. I took that as my cue to get out of the car.
Lena spotted us in an instant. She was already walking to over us, a tiny figure swathed entirely in black and grey with outstretched arms. She connected with Axel first. "Neto! My God, look at you! Have you been eating like I told you, eh? Aren't you cold? All you wear is that damn leather, you're going to catch a cold!"
Axel let himself be scolded by her as he usually did, only bothering to answer by nodding, shrugging or answering her in one word statements. She turned to me next and squeezed me just as she had done with Axel, "And you brought Roxas with you! How have you been, querido? Have you been taking care of this one over here?"
"As much as he'll let me." I said, forcing a smile for her. If Axel wasn't going to assuage the situation any way, I would try my best to keep the peace.
"That's what I like to hear." Lena nodded, readjusting the shawl over her shoulders. She turned to look behind her, "Lea! Vem cá, por favor!"
Lea Ramirez.
She was taller than Lena by a few inches and Axel was her spitting image in male form. Slender, wide eyed and she had thick hair that straddled the line between red and auburn. The only thing that seemed to be missing was Axel's green eyes. Hers were more reminiscent of Reno's blue. She looked slightly startled when she heard Lena calling her as she exited the airport with their bags in tow. She turned in our direction and a soft smile came to her face as she walked our way.
"I swear, it's been so long since I've been in this place. They've really changed the city up, haven't they?" She asked, looking at Lena and then back at the two of us. She dropped the duffel bag she was carrying to the floor and looked Axel squarely in the eye. "Axel."
"Lea." He replied as he removed the keys to the car from his coat pocket. Axel bent down to hoist the duffel bag up onto his shoulder and grab their other bags and then popped the trunk to the car. I could tell Lena was about to intervene in the exchange, but Lea glanced at her briefly and she stayed quiet. Lea turned her attention from Axel and looked at me with interest, "And who is this?
"Roxas, my querido !" Lena began, reaching an arm around my waist and pulling me closer to her, "He's the nice boy that looks after your bonehead son when I'm not around."
"Ah," Lea glanced at Axel who was still fiddling around in the trunk and then back at me. "A friend Axel's then, I presume? Nice to meet you, Roxas."
I nodded, "You too."
"Ready." Axel interjected as he slammed the trunk closed, "The doors are open."
Lena got in on the driver's side, while Lena got in on the other side. I stepped down off the curb and walked into the street where Axel was standing as he watched the two of them get in and close the doors.
"You okay?" I asked, looking up at him.
He didn't answer straight away. His hands dipped into one of the pockets of his jacket and produced the car keys, "Drive. Please." Axel whispered to me. His voice was strained. His hands were shaking as he pressed the keys into my hands, "You know how to get to the house, right?"
I clutched the keys in my hand and nodded, "Yeah."
He squeezed my shoulder and then walked over to the passenger side while I walked over to the driver's side and got in.
The ride back to Lena's house was quiet for the most part. Lena was going off about how much she had loved the weather in California compared to New York where it was always cold and dreary all the time. Then she went on to ask us what we had been up to in the past week and what we had done for Thanksgiving. Axel seemed to be off in the world inside his head at the moment, so I answered most of Lena's questions. Lea was quiet too and whenever I glanced in the rear view mirror, I could see her gaze was fixated on Axel. I couldn't wait for this ride to be over.
After twenty minutes or so on the highway, I finally arrived in Axel's grandparent's neighborhood and pulled into the driveway of their house. After I turned off the car and popped the trunk, Axel immediately got out. I helped Lena out of her seat and Lea followed shortly after. Axel let himself into the house without waiting for any of us. When we got in, Axel was already halfway up the steps to the second floor with their bags when Lena stopped him.
"Neto, wait just a minute. Leave those there." She turned to me and then looked back at Axel who was giving her a disinterested look from the second step of the stairs, "Roxas will help me with those. You rest a bit. You look distracted. Go on, go get something to drink and relax a bit. You're always so tight, eesh!"
Axel turned to me and I nodded slightly. I saw his eyes travel to the front on the house where Lea was currently locking the door and his eyes darkened considerably. He dropped the bags down at the foot of the steps and walked past the two of us into the kitchen. I picked up what I could muster—silently cursing my height in the process—and followed Lena up the stairs. We entered the door at the end of the hall and Lena looked about the room briefly before walking over to the dresser.
"Come here, querido."
I dropped the bags by the door and walked over to where she was standing. She was holding a picture in her hand. There were two small kids, Axel and Reno, and then two adults standing behind them, Axel's grandparents. She swiped a finger over the frame and then turned to look at me.
"How has he been, Roxas? Answer me truthfully." Lena said. She set the picture down on the dresser and turned around to sit down on her bed. She patted down at the space next to her. "I know how he hides himself from the ones he loves. He refused to meet my eyes the entire time I looked at him tonight. That's how I always know when he's telling me a lie." She was right about that. I've noticed it too.
"He's been …" I paused, "… I don't think he's really dealing with it. I think he's trying to put this all out of his mind for now."
"Did he tell you about Lea?" She asked.
"Yes."
"So you know how he came to live with us, then?" Lena sighed, "Reno told me that the two of them talked and how their conversation was far from pleasant. I could see the anger in his eyes tonight. You see, Roxas, Lea … my daughter had a hard time adjusting to life with two young children. Especially when Alexander, Axel's father, passed so long ago …it was a lot for her to deal with. But it does not, in the least, excuse her actions. I just hope the two of them can come to terms with the past while she is here."
I nodded, "Well … how are you doing in the midst of all of this?"
Lena turned to me slowly and then a wide smile came to her face. She slapped a firm hand down on my thigh. I flinched slightly. For such a small woman she had a heavy hit, "I'm glad you asked. Querido, I'm holding onto each day as though it were my last." She nodded her head and turned to look at the picture on her dresser, "Even though he's gone … I'm going to be just fine because I know I'll be seeing him in no time. And then when that time comes, it will be my turn to have everyone make a big fuss about me." She laughed loudly and I smiled at her in return.
"Lena?" I questioned.
"Call me Avó."
I nodded, feeling a little awkward but honoring her request. "Avó … do you think the two of them will resolve what happened between them?"
"Hmm," Lena mused, "You think I should beat them with pots and pans if they don't?" She chuckled shortly and I snickered myself. She definitely reminded me of Axel and his inability to refrain from finding something humorous even in the most serious of situations. "Ah, but, I don't know. It isn't my place to interfere. This is something between Lea and Axel. Even though I gave birth to her and raised him this is something I don't have control over. Axel will have to come to terms with his mother and she will have to acknowledge that she missed out on seeing her children grow up into the adults they are today. It is hard situation and we might have to pray for a miracle."
"Maybe."
She nodded her head in agreement as she glanced at the clock behind her. It was almost nine. "Maybe you should go check on the two of them. I'm … going to rest for a little bit." Lena smiled as she leaned in to engulf me in a bone crushing hug, "Take care of him, Roxas. I know he's stubborn but all he needs is a good whack upside the head every now and then to set him straight. You have my permission. Try that if nothing else works. And if you can't set him straight, send him to me. I'll bring out the old spoon I used to beat him over the head with as a child."
I laughed, "Don't worry. I will."
She nodded, laughing herself, "Take care of yourself, Roxas."
"I will. You too, Lena." I replied returned the bright smile she gave me with a small one of my own. I closed her bedroom door behind me and steadily made my way down the stairs. On my way down, I paused at the last step. I could hear Lea and Axel going at it in the kitchen.
"So you're not going to even listen to me?"
"I don't want to hear it. You're here for your mother, not me. Do what you have to do and keep me out of it."
Damn.
"Axel, you're part just as much a part of this as she is. Why do you think I came back?"
"To fuck things up even more." He answered.
"I don't believe this. I haven't seen you in years—Axel—years! Do you know how long it's been? And this is how you react, right? I'm not even back for more than one hour yet and already you start with the accu—"
"No." Axel said, cutting her off, "What I can't believe is you're stupid enough to think that just because you came back here under the guise of helping Avó, you thought that everything was going to fall into place. That everyone was going to see you in a different light. That you were going to recapture everyone's hearts and—"
"I didn't think any of that!" Lea cut in, "You're making assumptions, Axel! I came back because you and your grandmother are the only people living on the east coast and I know you can't look after her alone! I'm back here because I want to make a difference. I want to make a change. I want us to be a family again, Axel." She paused briefly, "Axel, my father just died and I couldn't even make it to his funeral to see him laid to rest. Do you know how much that hurts me?"
"What? Too busy boozing and drugging again, weren't you? Got another probation violation? What's the story this time, mom?"
"To tell you the truth, Axel, I was too afraid to come back. I knew that if I came back, I would be met with exactly what you're giving me now. Nothing but anger, rage and resentment." Lea sighed, "It's never going to change, is it?"
"No, it isn't and I'm sick of hearing this bullshit." Axel's voice was traveling, meaning that he was most likely leaving the kitchen. "I'm leaving." I heard her call to him but he didn't even bother to acknowledge her. He turned the corner about to head for the stairs when he saw me standing there and his expression softened, "Where's Avó?"
"She said she wanted to rest. I'm guessing she might be sleeping right now." I answered coming down the steps and standing to the side to let him pass.
"I'm ready to go," He mumbled tiredly.
I nodded to the steps, "Go say goodbye and then we'll leave."
Axel walked past me and disappeared upstairs while I peered into the kitchen. Lea was currently sitting at the kitchen table with her hand propped under her chin. A steaming cup of untouched tea was sitting in front of her and she seemed to be lost in her thoughts.
I bit my lip and cleared my throat. She immediately looked toward me, her blue eyes startled and then lowered considerably, "Um, we're going to leave soon. It … was nice meeting you, Lea."
She nodded her head, "Yes …Roxas, was it?"
"Yes?" I said, unsure of where this was about to go.
"Look after my son, please? I don't think he cares too much about me being here given everything. But, you ... you're ..." Her voice cracked and she laughed bitterly to herself, "Just look after him?"
I nodded silently toward her and she took a sip of her tea. Axel came back down the stairs, grabbed my hand and murmured for me to come on. I caught Lea watching us leave out of the corner of my eye, before following Axel out the front door.
"Did she say anything to you?" Axel asked as we got into the car.
I took a moment to answer, unsure if I should tell him anything. I turned to look at him and shook my head, "No, she just said goodbye. That's all."
"Hm," Axel turned away from me and looked out the window, "Take it home, Rox."
I turned the key into the ignition as Axel slumped back into his seat and the car came to life. He didn't have to tell me twice.
