Disclaimer: The Closer and its characters are the property of their respective creators and owners, James Duff, Warner Bros. and TNT. No copyright infringement is intended.

Spoilers: For episodes 309 "Blindsided" and 610 "Executive Order".

Author's Note: It's going slow, I know but I hope you'll bear with me until things get interesting :) Thank you all for the kind reviews, they mean a lot and I really appreciate them!

Chapter Seven:

Baggage Claim

It was day one of her paid leave and already Brenda felt stifled in her own home.

She kept thinking that it was where people died; they died of loneliness and/or depression, they slipped in the shower and hit their head, they died of sitting around all day long, doing nothing except stuffing their faces with awful food.

Brenda was about to die of boredom – it was fairly rare but not unheard of.

She kept wondering what everyone at work was up to. Lieutenant Provenza was in charge of the squad now so they were probably loafing about in the murder room. And Will? What was he up to, typing up his résumé?

Brenda doubted it; they wouldn't just fire him.

Or would they?

The heart of the matter was that Brenda felt quite lucky to have not gotten the job. Being the Chief of Police meant duties that she just despised, it meant she couldn't work murders anymore, or rapes, or kidnappings which were all things higher on Brenda's list of priorities than pushing a stacks of paper from one corner of the desk to the other.

Brenda loved her job and she wouldn't be doing anything else.

Shooting and killing a suspect? Running that risk came with the job.

They had saved a lot of people.

It had been the right thing to do and it was mere coincidence that Brenda had pulled the trigger and not somebody else of her squad.

Brenda felt always regretful when she wasn't able to close a case properly, meaning with a confession, but needs must.

The whole thing was difficult to think about, at least for Brenda. She felt sort of ambivalent; she treasured human life and went after those who took it from somebody else, yet she tried to convince her own heart that she didn't feel at all guilty about what happened.

The truth was, Brenda swallowed heavily, she felt awful about it and it would take some time for her to heal.

Then there was still the matter of the lust. Carnal, intense and potentially dangerous.

Attraction was a funny thing; Brenda was very well capable of admiring a good looking man's form, she found strong jaws or muscular shoulders and backs or a perfectly formed butt to be very attractive.

But then there was the funny part where types and preferences didn't matter a bit when standing across somebody who just got to you, who just stirred something within you, who just felt right immediately despite not resembling the picture you had conjured up in your head.

Attraction just happened, which was why Brenda wasn't all that confused about being attracted to Raydor even though she didn't like her which had always been a sort of turn off before. What irritated the blonde however was her own lack of self-control.

Why was it that she couldn't put a stop to it all and walk away? Instead she kept falling in lust all over again whenever they crossed paths. That was the real problem, wasn't it?

Falling in lust, over and over with the same person.

It probably meant something, Brenda thought, but the meaning behind it all seemed strangely illusive.

Brenda had admitted to herself some time ago already that she was very attracted to Raydor, she had admitted that she wanted to sleep with the woman and there she was now, realizing that she might as well will end up doing so if she didn't get a grip on herself.

Brenda wanted it, wanted Raydor and the only thing standing between them was Brenda's resolve. She couldn't give in, that was out of the question, or she would end up inviting Raydor right into her bed.

She couldn't even think about that without her resolve crumbling slowly but surely.

"Brenda? What's for dinner?"

The blonde's head snapped up; she was sitting on the couch in her pajamas, nibbling on her nails. "Umm…" She looked at Fritz who had just gotten home from work.

"No dinner?" He asked evenly.

Brenda shook her head. "…sorry."


"Captain Raydor…" Brenda stared at the lone figure standing on her door step.

"Chief," the woman said, "I thought I'd deliver the news myself."

"What news?" Brenda asked immediately then remembered her manners. "Um, please come in…"

Raydor slowly stepped inside her home, glancing around as she did so, trying to get an even better sense of who Brenda was.

"I just made some coffee…you want one?" Brenda felt nervous all of a sudden. What was the woman doing here? Why did she come to her house anyway? Why didn't she call? "Milk, sugar?" The blonde asked on the way to the kitchen. "Fritz just left," she added for reasons unknown to her.

What surprised her more than her own statement was Raydor's answer. "I know," the brunette said, "I waited in the car until he left."

Brenda swallowed.

"And I take my coffee black, thank you," Raydor added evenly.

"So," Brenda grabbed a mug and poured the coffee. "What news?"

Raydor blinked at her when she handed over the coffee, letting their fingers touch quite deliberately. "I have closed my investigation into your OIS and came to the conclusion, as did the Inspector General, that all actions taken by you were justifiable…as expected."

As expected? That was a new one.

"Oh, and I scheduled an appointment for you with Behavioral Science on Friday at 9. Keep it, or you'll have to wait another week."

Brenda bit her lip. "Well…thank you, Captain. And thank you for…stoppin' by also."

"My pleasure, Chief."

They stood awkwardly next to the dining table, holding their mugs. Maybe Raydor hadn't thought this through, Brenda thought because it was clear the woman wanted something or else she wouldn't have shown up here, the execution of her plan however left much to be desired.

Desire…

Brenda breathed in the aroma of her coffee and took a sip of the hot beverage, which Raydor did also, in order to forget about the fact that Fritz had just left and that they were all alone in this house without anyone to babysit them, no chaperone, just the two of them and their mutual attraction.

"Uh, Captain, I think-I think it would be…better if you left…now."

A second ticked by in which they just stared at one another; in that instance Brenda knew that Raydor had no intention of leaving. It felt unexpectedly thrilling to admit to herself what she had known all along – Raydor wasn't here to deliver any news, she wasn't here for coffee and she wasn't here to chat.

"Why?"

Brenda blinked. "Why what?"

"Why are you telling me to leave when it's obviously not what you want..?" Raydor put her mug down on the table; the coffee was still steaming pleasantly.

The blonde turned and poured her own coffee down the drain. She stood there, at the sink, her head bowed and wondered why she had gotten herself into this. It would've been easier to slam the door in Raydor's face to begin with but instead Brenda had to invite her in – not to be polite but because Brenda couldn't have helped herself even if she had tried.

It was just something about that woman she couldn't resist, try as she might.

"I am…veryvery attracted to you."

The words could've been right out of Brenda's mouth but they weren't, they were Raydor's, spoken huskily, shakily, from right behind her. "I'm married," the blonde said and turned around despite knowing that it would be her undoing.

"I am aware of that," Raydor said slowly, her eyes darting about the kitchen. "But in case you haven't noticed," she went on, her eyes fixated on Brenda's, "I'm not asking for a…committed, long-term relationship." Her voice shook again as if in anger, Brenda was very familiar with that particular peculiarity of Raydor's.

"We don't like each other," the woman stated, her voice wavering further, "but I still find myself desiring you physically."

How very passionate, Brenda mocked inwardly yet felt something stir in her belly.

"…and I know that you feel the same way."

Truth was, Brenda did feel the exact same way. She wanted it, she really, really wanted it more than she could put into words. For a split-second Brenda was ready to throw caution to the wind and fall right into the woman's arms.

Raydor leaned in closer, so close that Brenda couldn't breathe in without smelling her. Her pulse immediately shot through the roof and Brenda blinked against a sudden bout of dizziness – it wasn't normal, she thought, it wasn't normal to feel this strong a pull towards another person.

"You…confuse me and antagonize me and make me feel as if I can't breathe in your presence," Raydor went on, her breath hitting Brenda's face in small puffs, as the woman towered over her. The blonde realized she was a whole lot shorter when she wasn't wearing heels and looking up at Raydor, at her lips that moved right before her eyes, Brenda too felt as if she couldn't breathe.

"…sometimes," the brunette's voice dropped dangerously, "when we're this close, I get aroused because I can't stop thinking about touching you."

Brenda gasped, mesmerized by the sound of Raydor's voice.

"And right now…I can't think about anything other than kissing you."

Perhaps it was inevitable? Brenda stared into Raydor's eyes – you couldn't feel about another person like this and not be supposed to do anything about it. Brenda's mind raced through all the possibilities; possibilities she had considered before, multiple times, which alone weighed heavily on her conscience.

No matter how many times she went over it, she always came to the same conclusion: it wasn't right.

"Cap-Captain, I don-"

"Sharon," Raydor murmured, leaning in further until they were actually, really touching, until they were flush against one another. "It's Sharon, Brenda…"

Brenda nodded, her whole body trembling with fear and excitement at once. Oh, for heaven's sake. Her insides had turned to goo, her thoughts were an utter mess, her breathing had turned erratic very quickly and her whole body was covered in a flush.

She clamped her mouth shut and glanced up at Raydor from beneath her eyelashes fully aware that she was about to make a decision that would change everything. Meanwhile Brenda felt Raydor's breath against her lips as the woman exhaled deceivingly slowly through her parted lips. Brenda swallowed and stared at them incapable of not doing so.

The things that mouth had said to her…

The things it could possibly do to her…oh, god!

Brenda's nipples turned hard again, painfully so, and this time there was no blazer to cover it up with, this time Raydor would notice.

Brenda gazed into Sharon's…Raydor's eyes for a moment – god, she wanted it bad and even though nothing had happened, Brenda felt the arousal, the sheer want, the unadulterated desire spreading through her body and heating up her very center until the first bit of wetness dampened her underwear.

Oh, for heaven's…

"Sharon," she whispered, knowing it was what Raydor had been waiting for.

The woman inched closer, her hands grasping Brenda's upper arms gently – why did she have to be so inept at it? It didn't matter, the touch burned, it felt electric on her skin and Brenda felt goose bumps breaking out all over her body. She leaned back a little, still afraid as Raydor came closer and then Brenda just shut her eyes tightly; she waited, unmoving, not daring to touch the woman as well – that would make it look like she really, really, really wanted it and not that she only wanted it just a little bit.

She couldn't really want it, that was out of the question and yet, when Sharon was so close that Brenda felt her exhale against her lips, so close that she inhaled the woman with every breath she took, she did nothing to stop her, nothing at all because the truth was that even though it was cheating, she still wanted it to happen.

Her mind turned blank at the first touch of Sharon's lips on hers.

It wasn't at all like she had expected it to be. Firstly, Sharon wasn't particularly great at kissing; she wasn't really bad either…but maybe it felt a bit awkward because Brenda desperately tried to not kiss back. She had also thought that maybe Sharon's lips wouldn't be soft but they were, softer than anyone else's lips Brenda had ever kissed.

And she was warm. So warm and not cold at all.

Brenda gave up all pretenses and sunk into the kiss with a soft sigh.

Once she moved her own lips against Sharon's it felt completely different, it wasn't awkward at all; it was almost perfect, very close to it in fact. And then she felt Sharon's palm cupping her cheek, it was such a tender gesture, one she hadn't expected at all.

In the end though, which turned out to be mere seconds after their lips had connected, when Brenda already thought about doing more than just kiss, she realized that after this one, there couldn't be another. There would be no afterwards, there would be nothing waiting for them – they didn't even like one another for crying out loud!

And Fritz. She couldn't do that to Fritz!

Brenda drew back and immediately lowered her head, not yet ready to face what she had done.

"Let me guess," Raydor murmured. "You can't."

"I'm married," Brenda said once again, this time firmly. "And I intend to stay married for the rest of my life."

"Hmm," Raydor hummed and stepped back, her feet a bit unsteady. "People keep secrets all the time."

"Well," Brenda looked up defiantly. "I'm not very good at it. Now-"

"Right, a CIA trained interrogator not good at keeping secrets," the woman drawled.

"How on earth," Brenda cleared her throat and lowered her voice. "How on earth do you even know about that?" It didn't matter. "Oh, for heaven's sakes. You have to stop!" Brenda fussed with her hair. "You have to stop. This can't ever happen, do you understand? It can't happen and it never will…Captain."

Raydor stared at her for a long moment then her gaze dropped to the floor suddenly. Joel was schmoozing with her high heel. It would've been cute in any other situation.

To Brenda's surprise, Raydor picked him up; he licked her immediately, that little traitor, and then the Captain stepped closer again and deposited Joel in Brenda's arms. "Then I suggest that you stop sending me mixed signals also, Chief."

That was probably the iciest her voice had ever been.

Raydor left, letting herself out, while Brenda thought glumly that she had not ever sent any kind of signals at all.

With a sigh she sat Joel back down on the floor and her eyes fell on the mug Raydor had put on the table. Brenda picked it up and stared at the lipstick stain on the very rim. For some reason she couldn't or rather wouldn't want to comprehend, Brenda brought the mug to her lips and let them touch the stain – she remembered the kiss.

That kiss…

Brenda poured the coffee in the sink and scrubbed the mug clean then put it in the cabinet as if it had never been used, as if Raydor had never even been there.

Leaning back against the kitchen counter, breathing heavily from the fear coursing through her body, Brenda contemplated her next move.

It shouldn't have happened, that much was clear, but it wasn't like she had really done anything which was quite the relief. She may have kissed back for a second, reflexively because she was attracted to Raydor after all, no one could really blame her but, and that was the important part, she had told the woman off. She had stopped it, so, technically, nothing had really happened.

Brenda nodded to herself and licked her lips; she tasted a faint bit of lipstick…coffee…and Raydor. It was such a foreign taste, it always felt that way when you kissed somebody new. Fritz? She knew his lips, his taste, by heart.

Releasing a colossal breath, the blonde surveyed the kitchen.

She had to keep busy till her appointment, she also couldn't afford to over-think things. The shooting, for one. Not getting the job. She wiped at her mouth suddenly, trying to get the taste off.

Should she be worried that her mind kept going back to what Raydor had done in her office and to how Raydor had kissed her in her kitchen and not the shooting?

Anyhow, Brenda thought and opened a cupboard, why did they have so many boxes of unfinished cereal?

That was how it started, Brenda's big kitchen clean up. She ended up eating half of the left-over content of a box of Pebbles before she noticed that the expiration date had been reached about eight months ago. She did think that they tasted a little odd when she had shoved the first handful into her mouth…

She cleared the whole cupboard out and then went for the next which contained baking ingredients mostly and tea; they sure had a lot of that considering that they hardly ever drank any. Brenda found an opened, and probably rather old, pack of couverture chocolate which she ended up licking and nibbling on while clearing out that cupboard as well.

Then she munched herself through an almost empty jar of Nutella, a couple marshmallows, two strawberry flavored Pop-Tarts and a handful of peanut M&M's.

She also realized that they had way too many cups. There were the eleven ones that actually matched – one broke in the move – and two matching ones that Fritz had brought into the household. Brenda had always wondered why he had only two that matched but had always figure that it was a guy-thing. They also owned a variety of different mugs and cups that didn't match at all.

Way too many, she thought and got them all out while eating Caramel Nibbles, she seriously needed to get rid of some.

Brenda's ability to block certain memories, to suppress certain thoughts, was impressive, yet when she was confronted with a huge trigger, the cup Raydor's lips had touched only a couple hours ago, everything came flooding back.

Sliding down onto the floor, nibbling on a Nibble and staring at the coffee cup as if she had never seen it before in her life, Brenda started to realize that she had done a truly horrible thing.

"What's all this?"

The cup slipped out of her grasp and onto the floor; oddly enough, it didn't shatter.

Looking up at Fritz who was looking at the mess that was the kitchen, Brenda scrambled to her feet. "Oh…um…I just thought that, with all the time on my hands I could clean up this kitchen a little 'cause it really needs a good cleaning, I mean, the stuff I found-"

"Well," Fritz interrupted. "I guess that means no dinner…"

Biting her lip guiltily and looking around at the terrible mess she had made, Brenda's eyes fell upon the cup again. She practically lunged across the kitchen and picked it up, an odd sense of panic washing over her at having the pretty much invisible evidence of her almost-very-near-adultery lying around like that.

Brenda put on a smile as she hid the cup behind her back.

When Fritz leaned down to kiss her, Brenda did the one thing she never thought she would ever do to the one person she loved more than anyone else in the world.

She turned away.


"Mornin'." Brenda said cheerily as she stepped up to the friendly looking lady behind the desk. "I'm Brenda Leigh Johnson…I have an appointment with uh…"

She didn't really know; Raydor…the woman had neglected to mention a name right before she had molded their lips together.

Sheryl, that was the name of the woman behind the desk, started typing away on her computer then nodded. "There you are. Doctor Leonard is already waiting for you." She leaned forward a bit and whispered conspiringly. "She's the best we got."

Brenda's face had fallen at the mere mention of the woman's name.

"Doctor Leonard?" The receptionist spoke into the phone. "I have Chief Johnson for you."

"Send her in, please."

Oh, for heaven's sake.

"It's the door on the right."

"Thank you," the blonde replied, "thank you so much." Plastering a big smile onto her face, Brenda went through the door on the right and closed it carefully behind herself. Doctor Leonard was waiting for her near the chair Brenda had sat in the last time she had been here which had been approximately two years ago.

"Brenda, it's nice to see you again."

"Doctor Leonard…"

They shook hands.

"How have you been?"

Brenda smiled, not really meaning it of course, and sat, crossing her legs as she did so. "Oh, y'know…"

"I see you've gotten married."

Glancing down at her ring, Brenda nodded.

It took a whole five minutes before anybody said anything after that, and five minutes were a long time to spend in silence.

"So…you're not going to talk to me?"

Brenda smiled again. "The last time I talked to you I ended up gettin' shot at…"

"That was hardly my fault and you know that," Doctor Leonard replied calmly, her foot, encased in an expensive high heel, bobbing up and down. "You shot someone very recently."

The blonde blinked. "Yes," she said, still smiling.

"And how does that make you feel?"

Brenda shrugged and thought for a moment. "Upset…but not too upset. Sad…but not too sad. And a little scared…but not-"

"Too scared?"

"Yes. The perfect balance…"

Doctor Leonard started scribbling down notes, her foot bobbing up and down faster, the only indication that she was already unnerved by this particular patient. "Anything major going on in your life right now?"

Brenda shook her head, giving the question very serious thought. "No…no, not really, no."

"You were considered for the position of Chief of Police, I'd think that's something major…"

"Oh…but I didn't get the job, so…nothin' major goin' on," Brenda chuckled a bit airily but stopped once she noticed that Leonard wasn't amused.

"How do you feel about not getting the job?"

"Um…of course I'm a little upset but not too upset. A little relieved too I guess but-"

"Not too relieved. Got it." Doctor Leonard took a breath and blew it out from between her immaculately colored lips. "Do you think your recent shooting had something to do with that?"

The blonde shrugged, considered the question for longer than was necessary then nodded. "Probably."

Leonard blinked at her, pausing for a moment. "And how does that make you feel?"

"Oh, y'know…disappointed but not too-"

"Alright," Doctor Leonard interrupted, shutting her notepad. "You don't want to talk to me."

"That's right." Brenda smiled again.

"Just answer this one question," Leonard said seriously. "Are you going to be alright?"

Brenda shrugged. "Yes, of course. I did what I had to do and I wouldn't do anything differently if I could go back and do it all over," she said quickly, perhaps too quickly but her tone spoke volumes; Brenda didn't drive herself crazy with 'what ifs'…at least not where her work was concerned.

"…okay." The doctor opened her notepad again and wrote something down. "That doesn't really answer how you truly feel about what happened but-"

"I'm fine," Brenda interrupted, "just fine."

"Really?" Leonard raised her eyebrows at her, her gaze dropping. "You've been fiddling with your wedding ring from the moment you sat down in that chair. Now, is that just a thing you do…or a nervous habit?"

Brenda glanced down also, the smile on her face fading, as she saw her fingers twisting the ring around and around. She stopped immediately. "I do that all the time."

"When you're nervous?"

The blonde glanced away, angry at herself.

"Do I make you nervous?"

She said nothing.

"Is there something on your mind? Something you would like to talk about?"

"No!" Brenda screeched. "No, there's nothin' I wanna talk about. I'm fine, Fritz and I are fine, everything's fine."

"Fritz?" Leonard wrote that down. "Your husband, right?"

"Yes, no, I mean, yes but he's got nothin' to do with it."

"With what?"

"With—with—" Brenda breathed heavily through her nose. "Oh, that woman…"

Leonard blinked. "What woman?"

"She drives me nuts!" Brenda wailed now that it was just bursting right out of her. "Not that I'm nuts, I just get that way when she's around. Not that she's around a lot, we don't work closely together…I'm not her immediate supervisor or anythin'."

"Wait!" Doctor Leonard blinked at her again, thoroughly confused. "There's something going on with you and another woman? A woman you work with?"

"Yes," Brenda said without thinking. "No," she corrected herself. "Maybe. Not really. We're not havin' an affair or anythin' and we're certainly not going to."

Leonard exhaled slowly then traced her eyebrow with her perfectly manicured fingernail. "Um…I'm confused."

Brenda let out a laugh. "Well, you're certainly not the only one…"

The room went very quiet and Brenda started to realize what she had just blabbed about.

And how good it felt to finally talk to somebody about it!

"Since when has this been going on? Since the shooting?"

"No," Brenda said petulantly. "It's been goin' on a lot longer than that…but not—"

"Too long?" Leonard chuckled but stopped because this time her patient wasn't amused either.

"The thing is," Brenda said quietly, now a bit more serious. "We don't even like each other. Her and I. But…the first time we met, the first time I looked at her, I was immediately attracted to her…just wham, like that. And it took me a long time to come to terms with it." She sighed and glanced at the bouquet of flowers on the little table in the room.

Most of the flowers were purple…violet...lavender.

"You know what the worst part is?"

"Tell me…"

"She feels the exact same way." Brenda averted her eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said, "she…suggested we meet somewhere and…she kissed me the other day. I told her I couldn't do it and now I'm wonderin' how I'm gonna tell Fritz."

"About the kiss or the feelings you're having for this woman? Or both?"

"I'm not havin' feelings for anyone," Brenda said immediately. "It's just this physical attraction, that's all."

"Alright." Leonard scribbled something again. "What are you planning on telling your husband?"

Brenda sucked her lower lip between her teeth and actually contemplated the question, something she had not allowed herself to do prior to that very moment. "I have to tell him about the kiss…"

"Why? You said that you told the woman that you couldn't do it, that you wouldn't be unfaithful."

The blonde lowered her head and fiddled with her wedding ring. She had avoided thinking about this, had avoided it for days and every hour of doing so had felt excruciating because it was the one thing her mind kept going back to over and over.

"Because you have a guilty conscience?" Leonard prodded. "Because you can't be untruthful with Fritz?"

"Both," Brenda responded after a moment, head still lowered. "I'd always know what I did…"

"And?"

Sighing, the blonde glanced up at Leonard from beneath her eyelashes, the fear of admitting it aloud letting her break out into a cold sweat. "If I don't tell him I'll always feel like I got away with it…and then I might…"

"Yes?"

"I might feel tempted to do it again."

"Hmm."

Brenda looked up, scowling at the doctor. "What's that s'posed to mean?"

"I was just wondering…because you said the woman kissed you…"

The blonde swallowed and licked her lips. "I may not have resisted very much…and I do feel bad about that but I just-" Brenda drew in a shaky breath. "I just couldn't help it." A humorless laugh escaped her lips. "That's a pathetic excuse."

"Well," Leonard said, "to me it sounded like the truth and not an excuse at all."

"Yes, well, I'm a grown woman and grown women don't go around kissin' people because they couldn't help themselves." Brenda fiddled with her ring again. "I don't cheat…and I love Fritz. And I have to tell him about what happened."

"Alright." Leonard leaned back in her chair and nodded contemplatively. "Have you ever asked yourself why you might be attracted to that woman?"

"Well, as I said," Brenda's expression went very hard and serious, "it's just a physical thing, that's all…"

Leonard blinked a couple times and nodded slowly. "Okay."

"Okay. Well. I think I'm gonna get goin' now."

"Um…"

Brenda was already on her feet. "Well, thank you, doctor. This has been very, um, liberatin' but as much as I enjoyed unloadin' my baggage, I would very much like to go back to work now, if you don't mind?" The blonde cleared her throat, the smile not reaching her eyes. "And I do hope that this time around you'll tell Chief Pope that I'm in…excellent condition and ready to tackle all my duties head on."

Brenda smiled again and almost curtsied when she hauled her purse off the floor. "Bye now…"

~TBC~

Thanks for reading!