A/N Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
OK…this chapter did not go at all as planned. Bella has way more to say than I thought she did. This Bella sure has does a lot of thinking. The chapter I thought I was going to write will come up next.
~Bella~
End of February, 2006
As I drove toward La Push to meet up Jacob, the rain pounded my truck with sheets of water so thick my windshield wipers struggled to keep up. At some points I slowed down to 15 miles an hour and narrowed my eyes into a line so tight, I could almost see between the layers of water if it weren't for the thick curtain of eyelashes that threatened to blind me.
I had been going to see Bridgette for almost 3 months now. To my delight, Liza usually popped in 10 or 15 minutes before the appointment finished to hello, or tell me some crazy story that happened during her shift at the hospital, or bring me food. She sure did have a way of attracting strange people she and never ceased to delight in relaying her tales in a dramatic fashion. In addition to getting to know my Aunts better, they also told me that they lived with a third vampire, Alex. He was also a vegetarian. They said they saw him as a brother, although any conversation about him brought about a sad expression on their faces so I tried not to mention him. From what I gathered he was kind and gentle, and spent a lot of time in the wilderness or traveling on his own, checking in with Bridgette and Liza every few weeks.
I wouldn't say that meeting and disclosing everything to Bridgette has made me an overnight success in the sanity department, but I can't deny it's helped either. My whole being still longed for Edward on a level I didn't think was possible. I still found myself procrastinating at bedtime, afraid to finally sleep, feeling his absence where he once lay beside me, fearful of my dreams of him that haunted me almost every night. For some reason my nightmares had taken a different turn, where it seemed he not only rejected me, but managed to bar Bridgette and Liza from my life. I had also begun to have increasingly erotic nightmares, where my mind carried out all the fantasies that I was too stubborn to dwell upon while awake. In each of those, Edward would start to seduce me, only to pull back and tell me that I was not good for him and leave me broken and aroused.
Upon Bridgette's suggestion and guidance, I started learning meditation. If anything, it helped me with my moments of panic in that I was better able to control my racing heart and erratic breathing. Sitting on my bedroom floor, I would spend a portion of the evening before bed allowing my mind to relax, acknowledging negative thoughts, gently pushing them aside, and letting them flow out and away without fighting them. Bridgette – and Liza – taught me that the bad thoughts were not my enemy, they were reactions and I could choose to accept or decline them depending on how helpful they were. With meditation, I also began to have a better sense of tension rising in my body, and found that this trickled down nicely into the rest of my life. I was now able to abate some of my blush in embarrassing situations, and I could almost control my breathing when I became anxious. Sometimes.
In Mid-January, Charlie mentioned to me that since I was looking a bit better, I might want to go out and do something other than school or therapy. To say I was reluctant would be an understatement to the point of almost being inaccurate. Continuing to go to school was bad enough. I still sat alone at the Cullen's lunch table, and I still mentally acknowledged every scene that reminded me of Edward. Going to the gymnasium was even more excruciating than before, if that's possible, as every time I emerged I would remember him leaning on the wall, smirking at me. The list goes on: the cafeteria line up, the parking lot…Biology. After two days in Senior Biology I snapped, and ran home to have a meltdown in the privacy of my own home.
Consequently, Bridgette and I began working on coping with the reminders in my life without completely dissociating myself from reality. She also started helping me re-envision the numb icy lake I created for myself as a safe place to escape, rather than a place of isolation in which I had no control. She taught me that it was a place I created to manage what I had experienced, and therefore I could do with it what I liked. Although not perfect, after a few weeks I noticed myself having more control over that mental image, and using it to my advantage. Due to my increasing ability to feel safe without feeling cut off from the world, I also began to notice things from past months that had never occurred to me before.
For one, I began to notice that Charlie looked terrible. One day after he came home from work, I noticed he had deep purple bags under his eyes. After a thorough interrogation, I concluded that he had slept normally, his day was uneventful, and he wasn't feeling ill. He didn't even have a headache. After supper, I decided to open up the envelope of film I had developed the other day which contained photos from Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve.
Charlie looked the same in those photos.
I looked substantially worse.
Bridgette helped me in being very kind to myself when I came to the realization that my family had been through hell because of me. I began to understand that I was undergoing unusual circumstances that didn't happen during most breakups. I also learned a lot of information that Edward had withheld from me, such as the mating process among vampires:
"Bella, did anyone ever tell you about vampire mates?"
"Umm…I think Alice called Jasper her mate once, but she didn't really explain it, and at the time, I didn't think to ask. I assume it's like two vampires dating, or married?"
"Yes…and no." Bridgette explained, "When vampires mate Bella, they develop an extremely strong connection with one another, one that's irreversible. They are permanently changed. No one really knows how the connection takes place, although some people believe that the mating process is permanent because vampire personalities are, in a way, frozen in time. If something, or someone, is able to change the emotional attachment that a vampire has, it becomes a fixed part of who they are. Have you ever considered that you and Edward were mated, in that sense I mean?"
"But a mate wouldn't leave another would they, if it were permanent?" I rebutted.
"I don't know. I don't think anyone has a lot of information about human-vampire mates. I only know that it's permanent, and that there is an overwhelming urge for a vampire to protect his mate at all cost, even if the cost were his or her own death or discomfort. Think about this if you will, and write about it in your journal."
I couldn't imagine that I was Edward's mate. For one, we failed on the first indicator of mating – Edward didn't love me. When he found his mate, he would love her permanently. I stifled a sad moan at this idea, and tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat and ease the ache in my chest.
Sensing my anxiety, Bridgette continued, "I didn't mean to upset you Bella. I just want you to know as much as possible about our world, and you have and will be influenced by things that happen to our kind. I want you to consider the idea that falling in love with a vampire would cause a stronger set of emotions to appear than if you fell in love with a human boy. I don't want you to beat yourself up about something for which you were not prepared. I think when he left, you coped the best way you knew how, and the adults in your family did the best they could to help you. It's not necessary to carry so much blame for what happened to you and how you've reacted."
I processed all that info, and I tried to make life easier on my dad, which helped me to squash and all visions of Edward out in the world finding his true mate. I started being more conscious of when and what I cooked at home, I tried to do laundry more often, and I even dusted several times a week. Charlie took these all as signs that I was getting better and ready to move on. He was half right. While I was becoming more engaged with the world, my newfound awareness made the pain I felt in Edward's absence more potent than before.
Still, I plodded on with my vow to make Charlie's life easier, so I agreed to his suggestion that I visit Jacob Black on the second Saturday in January. I didn't know how to feel about this. I barely knew Jacob, although we had grown up together, we had grown apart during adolescence, and the idea of being around him felt awkward. I also felt like I should know him and I didn't. He had been to our house several times over the winter. I of course, was present in body only as I had tucked my psyche away in a safe place where I couldn't touch or acknowledge anyone. I also felt like my dad was setting me up on a date. But if I could lessen Charlie's burden and relieve him of some of the stress he wore on his face, I would do this. I would hang out with Jacob Black.
A few days after giving in to Charlie's badgering, I arrived at the little red house in La Push and knocked on the front door. Billy was there, and he directed me to a run down shed where Jacob was working on a car. I trudged my way down a narrow path that had been beaten down and made slippery with slush and mud – a deadly combination for Bella Swan. I carefully tip-toed my way toward the entrance of the garage. As I inched closer, Jacob looked up and gave me a broad smile, his white teeth shining against the warm brown of his skin. His eyes twinkled when he saw me, he lifted a large hand to wave me in and he stood up to his full height – holy cow he was huge! Was he that tall at Christmas? It was all a blur to me. He must be lifting weights or something. The boy who was one year my junior towered over me by more than a foot. Even from a distance of 5 or 6 feet away I felt like I had to crane my neck to look up to him – Which is how I fell flat on my ass.
"Bella, are you OK?" Jacob ran over, squatting beside me.
"Yeah, Jacob I'm fine. I fall all the time, it's no big deal."
"You're all wet. We still have some of Rebecca's old clothes. You could go back to the house –"
"No, I am sure I'll fall again. Really, I'll be fine." Then I shivered.
"You'll get sick like that. Listen, I'll go run and get them, you can change here." Jacob loped off before I could protest.
He returned quickly with an old pair of sweat pants and a sweater and left the garage while I hunkered down behind his car to change. Rebecca was taller than me, so the pants bunched at my ankles and I had to roll the up the sweater sleeves. I felt more ridiculous than when I arrived, but Jacob didn't say anything or seem to notice my odd appearance. Instead, he busied himself by pulling up a stool for me and turning on a space heater. He was dressed in just a t-shirt, a noticeably tight t-shirt, and a pair of jeans. I couldn't get over the size of his biceps, or how his six-pack abs were visible through his shirt.
"Aren't you cold in here Jacob?"
"Nah, I think I've developed a tolerance. With no cable TV and no running car, there's little else to do around here than tinker in my garage. Hey, I got the master cylinder by the way."
"The what?"
"The master cylinder…remember, the part…oh, you probably don't remember when I saw you at prom…I told you about that part –"
"Oh no, yeah your car, I remember now…" I lied. I remembered him seeing him at prom, but not much of what he said beyond wanting me to break up with Edward. Thinking back, it was hard to reconcile that the baby-faced boy who crashed my prom less than a year ago was the same person as this hulking man in front of me. "I just didn't remember anything about car parts, sorry." I looked at him sheepishly. Turned out I couldn't lie after all.
Jacob seemed to visibly relax. "That's alright. Anyhow it won't be long until my car's up and running. I'm almost done for the day, too bad my father had you trek all the way back here in the cold."
"That's OK; it's kind of cozy in here." That was the truth. Between the space heater, Jacob's smile and his easygoing personality, I was starting to relax.
"So…" Started Jacob
"So…" I continued. We both chuckled, and I decided to finish the statement. "My dad thought you could use someone to hang out with…got any movies?"
"Sure, I mean, I don't have any girly movies though." Jacob glanced at me apologetically as he put some tools away.
"That's perfect; I'm not really into chick flicks these days anyhow." I wouldn't want to have a total breakdown while watching a romantic comedy at some boy's house.
"I mostly have some classics – Rocky, Mad Max, Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 and 6 –"
"Star Wars, Let's start with episode 4." I knew those movies well enough to be able to look past the whole Princess Leah love thing and focus on other parts of the plot. "My dad has always been a fan. When I visited in the summer he always did a –
" – Star Wars Marathon" We both said together, and laughed. "Hey, that's right you were there. I didn't forget I just…" I started blushing furiously.
"I know what you mean; you were just totally focused on the memory of the movies. Besides, I know I'm unforgettable." Jacob's broad smile became impossibly larger. I couldn't help but smile back.
With a hand on my arm, we made it back to the house, and Jacob threw my clothes in the wash. By the time the movie was done, I was able to go home with a set of clean clothes and a budding friendship.
So Saturday movie marathons became a weekly routine for Jacob and me. We had decided to aim for classics with sequels. As the weeks went by, we marathoned our way through Star Wars, Rocky, the Godfather and Die Hard. At the end of the evening I often woke up on the Black's living room couch with a giant Jacob sprawled out on the floor, drooling on a pillow and twisted into a blanket. Eventually I became comfortable enough that when I woke up from my slumber, I was able to stumble into their kitchen and help myself to a cup of instant coffee before driving home.
By the middle of February, our "date" was so routine I didn't bother phoning up. I'd roll up in my truck, and as I stepped out I would see Jacob through the kitchen window starting the popcorn maker. It easily became a part of my weekly habits. I was grateful that Jacob never questioned why a teenage girl was requesting movies that tended to focus on blood, gore and fighting. I still wasn't ready for romance movies.
Last week was different, and I was nervous. I hadn't really being doing very well with different up to that point. Since emerging from my dissociation with life, I found it easiest to cope with my increased awareness of the world by limiting myself to predictable routines. Two s ago Jacob told me that his sister Rebecca was visiting for the weekend. She had planned a potluck on Saturday and invited me to join them. I hesitantly accepted. I vaguely remembered Rebecca from childhood, but as she was a few years older than Jake and I, she always ended up falling into an older crowd of kids. While wasn't sure if I could handle having such a big change to my routine, I knew I couldn't attend our matinee marathon and decline the potluck. Plus, Charlie was all for the idea, as he saw it as me finally coming out of my shell and reaching out to people my age. In the end, I decided that attending the party was less painful than missing out on the movies. So with my macaroni salad bouncing on the seat beside me, I pushed my truck onward to the reservation.
When I arrived at the Black's home, I could see Jacob through the kitchen window, and a girl with straight dark hair beside him. Change. Something different. I felt my stomach twist at the idea that plans had changed yet again. Although I knew the potluck was happening, it didn't occur to me that anyone but Jacob would be at home when I arrived. Usually it was just Jake and I who watched movies, and with him I was able to let go a little bit and be myself. I tried to calm down by reminding myself that it was only Rebecca with him. It was her house, too.
Gathering up the courage to face change, I squared my shoulders and headed as fast as I dared through the cold rain to the door. Only stumbling twice, I considered my race against the weather a raging success.
As I entered the doorway, the rush of warm dry air was a welcomed reprieve from the cold wet that was starting to seep through my clothes onto my skin. Although I was only outside for a few seconds, my hair and clothes dripped rain in the entrance of house.
"Holy moses Swan, look at you!" As I took off my soaked jacket, Rebecca sauntered up to me and eyed me up and down. "I haven't seen you since you were what, 13, 14? You sure have grown up!"
I thought back to myself at 13, and realized that I probably did look quite different. As a late bloomer, I didn't even need a bra until two years after that. At thirteen I was skinny, bony and angular; I lacked muscle and curves in all the important places. At least now I had somewhat of a bust line, and my legs and backside had enough definition that I didn't look as straight as a ruler.
"Hey Rebecca, you look great." She really did. With straight glossy black hair that hung down her back past her shoulders, her wide cheekbones were nicely balanced with large, curious eyes. Her full lips were a dark pink, and her smile was broad and welcoming, much like Jacob's. Her body had filled out nicer than mine, with fuller breasts, and wider hips set with a narrow waistline. While I tried to hide the fact that I was also giving her a once over I remembered that she also once looked bony and awkward in her early adolescence.
Rebecca was still eyeing me with a smirk; "I can see why Jacob likes hanging out with you so much," Jake elbowed her in the gut and stared at the ground. Though she was wincing, she managed to squeak out, "You must have a whole line up of guys after you." I tried to hide the grimace, as the pain scorched through me again. The one guy I wanted in that non-existent lineup had dropped out months ago.
"Easy on her Rebecca, her guy, well, he kinda…"
I glared at Jacob; he had just pushed me into a conversation where I had to say something about Edward. I decided it best to just explain it to Rebecca in case someone mentioned it at her party. "Thanks Jake." He shrugged apologetically. "I was dating someone Rebecca, but he and his family had to move. You could say that it's been hard to get past that." Understatement of the century.
"Hey no worries…anyone I knew?" Oh lord. I cringed, thinking of the reputation that the Cullens had at La Push. But still, I couldn't think of how to get out of this question.
"Probably not…you probably never met the Cullens?" I answered in a question.
"Oh sure, sure, I remember hearing of them. The old timey stick-in-the-muds around here have something against them, don't they? I heard they wouldn't even go to the hospital 'cuz one of the docs there was a Cullen. Bunch of crotchety old –"
"Hey, careful what you say now, you don't have the whole story." I nearly jumped from my skin when a guy – a man – who was as tall as Jacob emerged from the back of the house. I hadn't even heard him, until his booming voice echoed down the tiny hallway. He came out from the shadows and the look on his face almost made me pee my pants.
With his hair shorn down to a rough looking brush cut, he eyed me with a sneer that sent chill down my spine. I had never met this guy, and yet he looked at me with disgust. There was never a time more than this that I wanted to jump into the pouring rain, just so I could run back to my truck, take off and hide at home.
"You were dating that Cullen kid, weren't you?" he leered at me. I didn't want to talk about this. I glanced at Jacob hoping he could help me, but he just stared on with a look of shock and disgust.
After an awkward silence I realized he was waiting for an answer, "Uh, yeah. Edward Cullen."
"Let me tell you something," He barked "You should consider yourself better off without that no good stinking yellow-eyed lee…" He caught himself before he presumably bellowed out something derogatory
"Enough Paul, you're being mean," Jacob started.
"I'm not being mean, I'm being helpful. I bet she knew better than to hang around that family. Hell, she should even be allowed on the res-"
"Paul!" Rebecca interrupted, "Stop it. You're not being helpful; you are being rude and demeaning. Either be polite to my guest, or get out."
Paul quickly shut up, though he seemed to keep an eye on me. For a man so big, it was odd to see him all but cower in front of a girl who was only a few inches taller than me. Odd.
I set my salad for the potluck on the kitchen counter and then quickly headed toward the living room with Jacob. "Who's that guy? I asked quietly after he was out of earshot. Embarrassingly, my voice was shaky. I was scared of this Paul guy, and I didn't scare easily.
"I'm really sorry about that Bella, I didn't even know he was here, I just got in. That's Paul. He's one of Sam Uley's friends. He's was irritating before, but I just can't stand him now. Rebecca's back in town for all of 4 hours, he sees her once and professes his love to her. I think Rebecca's all weirded out about it too, but she's letting him hang around. I've always known her to be a patient person, but it's just too weird the way he's been acting, and the way that she seems to be accepting his presence. I asked her about it all, and she didn't say much. Just said she feels bad for him and doesn't mind him hanging out here. Strange.
"Who's Sam?" I had never been interested in the groups that hung around La Push, though I did vaguely remember that name. I recall it from the night I was lost in the woods, the night Edward…Anyway...talking about other people seemed to keep me from thinking about the Cullens, about being confronted and nearly having to defend them to this Paul.
"Sam is the royal dickhead of La Push, that's who Sam is." Jacob retorted back without an ounce of remorse in his voice. "The guy was dating Leah Clearwater for more than a year, and then up and dumped her one day for her cousin. Leah is devastated. He's been walking around this place like he owns every goddamn square inch of it with his little gang in tow. On top of it all, the elders all love him. I even heard one of them calling him a 'godsend'. Whatever. Rebecca has it right when she calls them all foolish old codgers." For the first time, the happy Jacob I knew was gone, and was replaced by a bitter, angry Jacob that obviously had a negative opinion of this Sam character. I couldn't blame him, and I couldn't think of what to say in response to his rant. So I decided to change the subject.
"So what's on the agenda? Movies first, then potluck?" Jacob's darkened eyes brightened immediately.
"Definitely movie first, the potluck could go all night. We don't have as much time though, so it'll be just one movie today."
"I guess we'll just have to make do." I pouted as long as I could, before Jacob's snicker forced a smile onto my face.
After the popcorn was made, Jake and watched our movie. Not long after it finished, guests started filing into the tiny house. Luckily the rain had abated to a drizzle, so guests spilled onto the back porch. I saw a few people I recognized, but mostly new faces. I tried to avoid those. I wasn't interested in being introduced as 'that girl that was dumped by the Cullen boy'.
As I was milling about aimlessly, my dad came in. As much as I didn't want to talk to strangers, I really didn't want to spend the evening sitting with my dad while he debated fishing stories and baseball statistics, so I wandered out to the porch hoping to get some fresh air.
Being mentally absent for a few months had taken its toll on me. After my self-imposed seclusion, the reality of who I was and what had happened was often overwhelming. It felt perceptibly worse in situations in which I subjected my tender state to throngs of people who had no idea what I was feeling. I felt the familiar pull that my brain gave when I was tempted to mentally check out. Though I have never been addicted to a substance, I was beginning to wonder if I was addicted to my own brain. I was working on controlling the safe numb place in my mind, but at times like this it tempted me of its own accord, calling me like a siren to block out my discomfort and return to floating in a psychological sea of nothing. It felt what I thought a powerful drug might do to my awareness of my surroundings. At that moment I yearned for nothing more than to reject lucidity and fall into a state where time and space were meaningless. That's when Rebecca gently grabbed my arm and pulled me from my dangerous musings.
"I wanted to apologize about earlier, about Paul."
"Don't worry about it; you can't control what other people say." I mumbled.
"I know, but he said it to you in our home. I want you to know that I don't agree with what he said. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I promise I can listen without throwing insults around." She smiled gently at me.
"Thanks, I guess I am just taking this break up harder than most." I replied numbly. I didn't want to expose myself here, but at the same time, I just wanted a friend who would listen. Rebecca had never met Edward, and didn't seem to share the opinion that the rest of La Push had about the Cullens, so she seemed like the most likely person to be able to talk to with the least bias. It's not that I didn't value Bridgette and Liza, but I knew it would feel different to be able to talk to someone as friend, like girl talk.
"It's OK, you know, to feel so strongly. He was your first love, wasn't he? Everyone has to go through it." Yeah, everyone goes through months of catatonia and dissociation when they get dumped the first time, I thought.
"I had it bad for him," I admitted. I knew I was going to cry but suddenly didn't care. There was finally someone who would talk to me like I was a regular teenager, and it felt liberating. I felt a few tears run down my face as I started blabbering uncontrollably, "He told me he loved me. He told it to me a lot. He told me he would always be there, and every day he acted like he cared – really, really cared about me, every aspect of my life. Even things that I don't think most boys care about, you know? He was interested in what college I wanted to go to, and what I aspired to do after school. Whether my truck was tuned up, the oil changed, the tires properly inflated." I added the last part with a laugh pushed out through my sadness, "And then he up and leaves. He tells me his family is moving to L.A., and that he didn't care for me enough to be in a long-distance relationship. He didn't want me moving with him." My voice broke, and had to wait to continue. "You know, I think I could've handled it if I wasn't allowed to move with him, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea. He said I wasn't good for him. The first guy that ever likes me, and I'm not good enough." I ran my face over my hands before looking up to see who had witnessed my break down. Fortunately everyone was too wrapped up in their own conversations, and without realizing it I had been led by Rebecca to a secluded corner of the porch for more privacy.
"Men are dogs," Rebecca reasoned, and then laughed a little. "You can't base your self-worth on whether some guy has accepted you. You have to accept you, everyone else comes after that. Bella, I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you are one beautiful little woman. I know a whole dorm full of guys who drool after girls like you" I scoffed at the last part of her statement, but she continued, "I'm serious, and it's not just because of your looks, though you are really pretty. There's something about you that allows your beauty to shine from the inside. I don't know you well enough to say what it is, but I can see it." Rebecca's voice had dropped to a tender low tone, and she tilted her head to one side. I smiled at her compliment, but I could tell she wasn't convinced that I believed her. "And by the way, no one deserves to be lied to like that. It's one thing if he fell out of love with you, or wanted to end it with you, but he should have been honest when those feeling started. It's rotten for any guy to treat you so well and then turn around and say you aren't any good. He shouldn't have dropped it on you like that. As I said, men are dogs". She crouched down to look at my face, and carefully swept a lock of hair from my eyes
Rebecca paused, then stood up to her full height with an idea lighting her face, "Let me prove it to you." She declared. I looked at her quizzically as I watched the metaphorical wheels turn about in her head. "Let me prove that you are a catch, and that you are good enough – probably too good – for any guy. My sorority is having a party next Saturday, I want you to come."
Party? Sorority? College? I could barely handle a potluck. "I don't know Rebecca, you're in Seattle, and that's way too far and where would I sleep and –"
" – And you can bring Jake. I know you trust him, I can see it. Besides, he just got his car running a couple of days ago, and I think it's safe enough to get you there. I know that you are both in high school, but you look old enough to be a freshman, and hell, Jake looks like he's in his 20s what with how he's bulked up. My roommate graduated last term and no one has taken the empty bed in my dorm room, so you can sleep there. It's a co-ed dorm, so Jake can sleep on the floor. Don't worry about a thing, you'll have a blast."
I wanted to argue, but I felt like the decision had been made for me. I could think of a million reasons not to go, but none of them were things I wanted to tell her. I liked talking to Rebecca. I wanted her to like me, not think I was a freak. There was only one thing that could get me out of this:
"It sounds like fun, but I don't think your boyfriend Paul –"
"Boyfriend?" Rebecca laughed, "Hardly. I can't say I don't like Paul, but let's say there are some kinks to work out before he earns the title of being Rebecca Black's 'boyfriend'. Even if I did feel about him that way, I'm not pursuing anything until I graduate. That boy's gonna have to wait at least until May before he even gets a date with me." She smiled so smugly at that idea. She must have been way more confident than I could ever be, as she seemed convinced that Paul would wait for her. Rebecca added quietly, "Don't worry. So long as you don't tell anyone in La Push about this party, Paul won't be there. Just keep it hush hush, OK?"
I agreed to keep it a secret, and in the end I told Rebecca I'd get back to her during the week about going to Seattle. If I found a potluck so hard, I couldn't imagine going to a college party and being expected to act like a normal girl. I was hardly a normal girl on a good day.
After enduring the emotional upheaval of attending a potluck, I welcomed the mundane solitude of my life with open arms. On Sunday I finished all the cleaning chores in the house, and I attacked the rest of my homework with fervor. I was done so quickly I decided to answer some emails from my mom, and then I started reading ahead in English as I had completed the novel we were currently studying.
My newfound energy for all things domestic continued throughout the week. By Tuesday night I had organized every closet in the house, and had also separated a bunch of Charlie's stuff and mine to be donated to charity. I had dusted my way throughout the home, cleaned the fridge and the oven and had also made doubles of all the meals I prepared, to be frozen for later use. When the freezer had been filled, I noticed my grandmother's old box of recipe cards, so I decided to organize those as well.
It wasn't until I was in the attic on Wednesday straightening out our supply of Christmas decorations, that I realized I was avoiding something. I also realized that I knew what I was avoiding, and I was hoping if I didn't think it, then it wouldn't be true. Unfortunately, that wasn't working, as my thoughts still nagged me, no matter how hard I tried to push them away. Not wanting to leave a task unfinished, I cleaned the attic. It was close to midnight when I had prepared for bed that I finally gathered enough courage to sit down in front of my journal.
February 15th, 2006.
I'm really, really angry.
I'm really, really angry with Edward Cullen, because he lied to me. For months, he led me to believe that he loved me, and then he 'unloved me' in less than a week. I still don't know when he stopped loving me, if he ever started, but I know that at some point there must have been some dishonesty going on. I know things changed after my birthday. Perhaps that was the catalyst, the straw that broke the camel's back if you will. But I also know that just before that fateful day, Edward emphatically expressed love for me, often. He must be an excellent liar, because even in my memories of him, I recall seeing love in his eyes. I'm really angry that his dishonesty cost me so much of my life and my well-being. I am not angry that he never pretended to want to change me. If anything, this is only proof that he never felt for me to the depth that I did for him.
I'm really angry at Edward's family. I am angry that they made me feel so loved, and wanted and a part of them, and then they left like I hadn't existed.
I'm not angry at Jasper for trying to drink from me. I can't be mad at him for acting upon his instincts. I still have many days in which I think they should have just let him kill me and gotten it over with. Death would have been less painful than the last 5 months.
I am not angry at Rosalie. Even if she was rude about it, she never pretended to care about me.
I think most of all, I'm angry at myself. I am angry for letting myself wallow and mourn for people who probably haven't thought about me since their departure many months ago. I'm angry at myself for being so wrapped in my own fruitless grief that Charlie and Renee suffered, spent countless hours offering me help that I adamantly refused, and stood by me at a time when I deserved their love the least. I am angry that I spent so long trapped inside myself, when all this time I had a true friend in Jacob. If not for him, I would also say that I am angry at myself for making the stupid mistake to stay in Forks, mistakenly believing that Edward would return and still love me. That is clearly not the case.
I'm angry at genetics for the short end of the stick, even though I know I can't blame something that's random.
I would say I'm angry at god for all this, but I stopped believing in a benevolent god a long time ago. If there is a god running this world, he spiteful, and hurtful and mean, and I can't be angry at him for ruling with his true nature.
I'm angry at romantic movies because it always works out in the end.
I'm angry at that Paul guy I met. Just because.
I'm not angry at Rebecca, even though she's right that all men are dogs. I still don't believe her that any and all guys would want me. I'm grateful that she made me realize that the Edward's lies to me were wrong.
I'm really angry that I can't stop thinking about Edward no matter how hard I try, and when I think about him I still can't stop thinking about how much he means to me.
Most of all, I'm angry at myself for falling short of what I wanted to be to Edward. Because, goddammit, even if he stood here, and I could find a way to hurt him like he hurt me, I wouldn't do it. Though I wasn't enough for him, I still love the bastard and I don't know how to stop.
So, now that I know I'm angry, I don't know what to do about it.
Tearful, I placed the journal on my desk and laid down to rest. Staring at the ceiling, my mind buzzed with emotions: With the anger that just spurred my journal entry; love for someone who was gone from my life and a deep longing to be desired, to have someone who wanted me in every way and who I wanted in every way.
Sadness spilled over onto my cheeks and rolled down my neck and shoulders, and I my body shook until it was claimed by a dream:
It was the end of August, and Edward and I visited the Fall Fair. Arriving just after dusk, we laced our fingers together, and he eagerly led me through the entrance wearing a smile that would rival most children. As we took in the sights and sounds of the midway, I could feel Edward watching me, and I grew a little self-conscious.
"What?" I finally asked him.
"I just love seeing your reactions," He murmured, "Your happiness makes me happy."
I blushed the thought of that and continued on, letting Edward be happy. I couldn't help but feel excited as the background was filled with the squeals and screams of people braving the tilt-a-whirl and other rides, the lights from the game stalls and the smells of food being sold in trucks.
As we entered one of the passenger cars on the Ferris wheel, it occurred to me that the internal thoughts from all the people in addition to noise of the fair might be too hard on Edward's brain.
"Are you OK Edward, with the noise? There must be a million thoughts being thrown around here."
He brushed my cheek with the back of his hand, "I'm fine, love. Just like the external voices, mental voices in this place have a way of blending in with the background chaos." He gave me a curious smile, "and thank you."
"You're welcome, but I'm not sure what you are thanking me for."
Edward sighed thoughtfully, "For being you. For thinking of me. Rarely does anyone ask if the noise in my head is bothering me. Unless I expressed discomfort, they assume that I am OK."
"I love you," I stated simply, " and I love to take care of you."
Edward gazed into my eyed intently, "It's more than I deserve, but I'll take it. I'm selfish that way. I love you too, Isabella Swan. I can't imagine not loving you: Madly, fully, unabashedly, reverently." He gave me a soft kiss that seemed to hold promises of something more.
As we ascended in the Ferris wheel, an intimate bubble surrounded us that felt electrically charged with desire. At the top of the ride we stopped, and we were alone as we could be while in public. Edward slowly put his arm around me, and looked longingly at me before ghosting his fingers under my jaw. He tilted my chin up with his left hand and ever so gently placed his lips over mine, moving in the way that sent sparks down my belly and incited a delicious ache between my legs. He then took it a step further, and did something he had never before allowed. With his thumb, he carefully pulled down my lower lip and allowed his tongue to graze the entrance of my mouth. I opened my kiss to allow him in and he tentatively explored with his tongue. I whimpered at the taste of his mouth in my own. Though I was never one for dancing, It felt like our mouths and lips and tongues were moving in some sort of erotic rhythm. I could dance like this every day for the rest of my life. My skin began to flush, and as Edward briefly broke away I could hear him panting as heavily as I was.
I decided I must have done something right, because I was by taken surprise as Edward again pushed our boundaries further. Our lips met once more, and as I slid my hands up Edward's chest, he shuddered, snaked his left arm under mine and grasped my shoulder from behind. Ever so slowly, he moved his hand down and across the side of my breast. I couldn't help but whimper as I then felt him graze my hardened nipple. A low growl rumbled through his chest. Moving in slowly, his hand memorized the tip, the swell, and the underside of my breast. The din from the noise of the fair below us became muted by the soft moans and breathy sighs that escaped our lips. My lower belly tightened and I yearned for friction between thighs, but I was too afraid to move lest I interrupt this perfect moment.
Feeling the car move again, we broke away, breathing heavily. Edward leaned back, smoothed some hair away from my face and cooled my heated cheeks with the palms of his hands. When we exited the ride Edward leaned forward from behind me, brushed his lips to my ear and said, "You are the most beautiful creature I have ever known Miss Swan. I am luckier than I ever imagined possible."
I awoke with a gasp and looked around. Despite being February, the air in my room felt heavy with heat. I then realized that my fingers were nestled snugly between my legs, slick and warm from my arousal. As I pulled my fingers out my nerves jumped and sizzled. My hand slid back down to appease the ache in my wakened body, and as I moved my fingers over my clit and fondled one of my breasts with the other, I imagined that Edward was at my side, touching me, exploring me, making me gasp, and enjoying it as much as I was.
I rose just before dawn. Although my body still felt limp, my mind was racing. What was that? It wasn't a dream – it was a memory. Everything in my dream had happened - down to the last word - the weekend before my birthday. I'd never before dreamt a memory. I wondered if a part of my brain was trying to tell me something. I couldn't think about at it the moment, so I jotted as much as I could remember into my journal and started getting ready for the day.
Throughout the day, my thought returned to this dream. What was so special about it? Maybe nothing. It could be fate, or subconscious or a devious god making me relive something that would never happen again.
I wasn't ready to figure out why my brain taunted me with that memory. Besides, I had more pressing matters to attend to as I had not yet completed the dubious task of responding to Rebecca's invitation. Almost every inch of me screamed 'No!' to going to her college party, except my gut. My intuition was sitting like a little red-tailed devil on my shoulder, egging me on, whispering things I didn't want to hear into my mind. Why would I go, why would I put myself through that embarrassment? I tried to turn the volume down on the devil and focus on school.
As I stepped out from my last class and jumped into my truck, the devil came back with a vengeance,
Don't you want to know for sure, get it over with? Said the little she-devil.
"Get what over with? I'm not sure what enlightening information I will pick up at a college keg party." I responded. I knew I was talking aloud in my truck, and I didn't care. Everyone thought I was a freak anyhow.
You want to find out if you are wanted.
"I already know that. I already know I'm not. Not in that way, anyhow."
No, you don't. So the vampire didn't want you. Big deal. There are lots of "humans in the sea" you know.
"There's only one I want. He's gone"
But would this really be about that?
"I don't follow."
Is this really about wanting someone, or finding out if you are wanted, if you are desirable? Wouldn't it feel good to have someone want you in that way, in the way that he never wanted you?
"But then I'd be just like him. I'd be pretending I was interested when I wasn't. I would hurt someone."
You haven't met enough college boys, my dear. The ones who find the love of their life at a college keg party didn't go there looking for it.
"Then why would they want me?"
…
"Oh. I'm not like that."
Maybe that's your problem.
When I got home, I called Rebecca and over the phone she helped me pick out clothes for my weekend in Seattle.
