Five Years Ago
"What about that one?" Regina pointed subtly with her chin to the tall redhead by the buffet, eyebrows arching in question.
"No way. Isn't that Lacey French? We went to high school with her."
"So!" Regina shrugged, taking another drink from the bartender, "You don't have to date her! I'm just asking if you think she's hot. Plus if we discounted all of the people we went to high school with there would be no one left in Storybrooke to date."
"There's already no one to date." Emma scoffed and shrugged, examining the girl from behind, "She's all right, I guess."
"I think you're just picky."
"No, I just remember her boyfriend throwing water balloons of shaving cream, milk and green food coloring at us on the high school quad in the name of 'spirit week.' Remember? Your mom had just bought you those Louboo- somethings."
Regina gasped her face falling into a near pout at the tragic memory, "My Louboutin's! Right. I was grounded for three months. Cora never bought me another pair! She said I clearly couldn't handle the responsibility."
"Right. Exactly. And suddenly Lacey's less attractive for being attracted to a douche like that."
"Hmmm, I see your point. Okay fine. What about her? Her boyfriend didn't ruin a brand new pair of $700 my-mother-doesn't-know-how-to-say-I-love-you shoes."
Emma shook her head then rolled her eyes at Regina's exasperation, "Whatever, creepy. Why are you trying to find someone for me tonight anyway? What's with that? You've been doing it everywhere recently. Have you called Abby yet? She's going to kick your ass if you don't. You'll be on the phone for two hours apologizing; don't act like you won't."
"I'll call her later." Regina groaned, pulling Emma up from her chair. "Come on, if I can't find you a woman then you'll have to settle for dancing with me."
Though Emma was already sweating profusely and her feet were sore she agreed, allowing herself to be pulled into Regina's arms and out onto the floor.
They danced, spectators gawking as they did the bump and grind. The locals were still not altogether over the spectacle the girls had created by coming out of the closet. Nothing happened in Storybrooke. Therefore, the citizen's simple lives had been rocked to the core by their announcement. The girls finished another drink and then danced around for an hour more, oblivious to the show they were putting on, only stopping when Emma insisted she must sit or lose her feet to strain.
Regina allowed her a total of five minutes of rest before she was back to pulling on her arm.
"No, no! I'm going to use the restroom and take a break! Where does your energy come from, Energizer Bunny? Damn! Aren't you supposed to be sleep deprived?"
Hobbling, Emma and Regina snuck out a side door to share a cigarette and then made their way to bathroom; Emma noticing that Lacey French seemed to have her eye on Regina. Emma scowled and adjusted her dress irksomely.
Everyone always had their goddamned eye on Regina.
"Hey Em," Regina said offhandedly as she entered the bathroom, "my dad just told me that he wants your next dance."
Emma shuddered "Oh boy, that won't be awkward at all."
"Oh, just give it to him." She said pushing Emma a little, "It's not every day he has an excuse to dance with such a beautiful lady." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively, "Just watch your toes during the drunken shuffle."
Emma frowned at her reflection in the mirror, eyes flicking to Regina reapplying her lipstick and back.
Regina was beginning to come into her looks fully and it was giving Emma a complex. No matter how artfully she applied her makeup - when she wore it - her looks were always simple and classic. She envied Regina's full lips, velvet eyes, and chiseled jaw.
"What's that scowl about?" Regina dabbed her lips, staring into Emma as she had a habit of doing, leaving Emma naked to her all too knowing eyes. There was no such thing as keeping secrets from Regina, not really. Those eyes found them instantly.
Emma sighed dramatically, "Nothing, just hard to see myself as a beautiful anything standing next to you; you know, the same issue as always." She knew she wasn't unattractive, as a matter of fact she knew she was legitimately attractive but having – her – for a best friend… well… you know.
Regina hissed, her eyes rolling, "Don't be ridiculous. I overdid it today. I was celebrating being out of scrubs. Why can't they look like they do on medical dramas?"
"What, you mean all form fitting and hot?"
"Yes. It's an unfair lie. No one ever looks like Meredith Grey; trust me." Regina growled to herself and with a sassy sway of her hips she was gone.
Emma chuckled, double-checking her makeup, reapplying with a heavier hand than normal. Regina already had a girlfriend, but Emma needed to work harder if she was going to find one. Regina was right, she had been single for too long - not that she expected to find anyone in this crowd.
She stepped out of the bathroom and turned to head down the hallway. Before she could join Regina at their table, a sweet-faced brunette interrupted her, "Hey, its Emma, right?"
She nodded.
"Jamie. Would you like to dance?"
See! The makeup was working already, "Oh, I was just promised to Henry. Later? I would love to later."
Jamie nodded politely and watched her go. Emma didn't notice, caught by Regina's eyes across the floor directing her toward her father.
"I'm going!" she mouthed. Regina's face cracked at Emma's response and began to shine with a smile.
"Oh my god, I'm sorry!" Emma yelped as she stumbled, distracted, into the bride's very elderly grandmother. The old woman was only saved from toppling over by a quick snatch on Emma's part. She checked the grumbling woman over, apologizing again and again until the woman's angry yells slowed enough for her to escape to her equally bad fate of dancing with Regina's father.
Emma spun around the floor with Henry, perhaps faster than she would have liked, quickly growing motion sick. He didn't say much to her, he never did. In all the years that she had played at his house, gone to his family events and shared awkward dinners, Emma didn't think he had said more than ten words to her. He didn't need to do a lot of talking because Cora did enough for the both of them.
He just cleared his throat awkwardly a few times and gruffly grumbled as the song ended. He hadn't taken more than a handful of steps toward the bar when Jamie was at her side again, "What about now?"
Emma beamed, "Well hello again."
"Hello. Shall we?" Jamie didn't wait for her to respond, just smiled and wrapped her arm around her waist, tightly. She moved with surprising agility and Emma found that she didn't hate the company. She was sweet in a very innocent way. The first song turned into a second and then when the third began slow and soft Jamie pulled her close without asking.
"So, how do you know the bride and groom?"
Emma grinned a bit in her vice like grip, unsure what she thought of the girl yet, but was game to find out, "I don't really know either. I'm here with Regina."
"Oh, are you her date?" Jamie's face fell slightly.
"Oh, no. Just friends." She looked over her shoulder and caught Regina's glinting eye.
Regina slowly smiled, a dreamy look on her face. She looked like she had been hit hard over the head or perhaps had just hit her limit of champagne.
Alarmed Emma frowned and mouthed, "Are you okay?"
Regina's face cleared into a guilty grin.
Emma watched, worried, as Regina stood and gracefully made her way to them, "Can I cut in Jamie?"
She and Emma frowned, "Regina. Go away!" She whispered but Regina's face was set in stone.
She apologized to Jamie who was clearly annoyed.
"That's quite alright. Could we have another dance later?"
Emma blushed and went to agree, but Regina answered for her crisply, "No, sorry. We will be leaving in just a few minutes."
Jamie nodded, clearly not willing to step into the ring with Regina and disappeared into the crowd.
"Okay, please tell me that you did not ride my ass for an hour or more to find someone to dance with, aka a girlfriend, only to scare off the only one who was interested."
"Yes, well I meant someone better than Jamie, Em."
"What's up with you?" Emma frowned, pushing a strand of hair out of Regina's face. "Jealous?" She teased her old friend hoping to wipe the sudden look of worry off of her face.
It didn't work though and Regina frowned, distractedly looking around her as they glided in circles. Jamie may have been a good dancer, but she hadn't been forced to take all variations of dance including ballroom since the age of four. Regina spun them, gracefully beautiful but thoughtless as if she had been made expressly for the purpose of twirling. "Em, will you follow me for a minute?"
"Uh, sure Gin. You okay? You're kind of making me nervous. What the hell?"
Regina didn't answer but took her hand and led her down a dark hallway, twitchingly playing with their fingers as she mumbled under her breath. Twice she stopped, insisting that she had changed her mind only to spin on her heels and pull Emma deeper into the solitude of the hallway.
"Gin, will you stop walking? What's with you? What happened?"
Regina stopped. Emma noted Regina's hands still wringing; she only did that before a huge test. What the hell?
"I don't know I," She began to pace at a quick speed in front of Emma, stumbling and stuttering, "I can't, I just, I was watching you just now with Jamie and you look so beautiful, Em - did I tell you that you look beautiful tonight? I mean, really fucking beautiful, Emma. And, uh, you're never seem interested in anyone and I, I can't tell you but I can't, I uh, crap, um,"
Emma grabbed Regina by the elbows, alarmed. What had happened in the last fifteen minutes? "Ginny! Calm down, what's wrong? Did your mom say something? You know she's really drunk tonight and frankly crazy anyway. I wouldn't listen to her. What upset you? Gin?"
Regina searched her eyes, desperately.
"Regina. What?"
Regina took a deep breath and mumbled to herself, "I'm just going to do it."
"What?"
Regina leaned forward, eyes averted almost shyly. Emma matched her habitually, thinking she was going to whisper something in her ear or perhaps lean in for a hug as she had done a million times. Without warning Regina's lips were on hers. Emma yelped, against her mouth shocked and tried to pull away crying out, "Ginny!" but Regina held her firmly, her palms cupping either side of Emma's neck.
Heatedly but with tender care, Regina walked her backward until Emma's back was against the wall and pressed herself, oh so carefully against her.
Something in Emma sparked, sizzled and cracked like electricity touching water and suddenly the world had washed away. Regina's hands slid up to her jaw, pulling her face even tighter against her own and Emma sighed, the kiss swirling through her entire body. She could feel tension in her arms and back keeping her upright, but her legs were beginning to feel like jelly and she thought soon she would melt to the floor. Every probe of Regina's tongue made her sigh, each shift in their bodies made her gasp. She was dizzy.
Regina pulled away half of an inch, her eyes burying deeply into Emma's, intense and waiting. Emma gulped, sharp a hot realization piercing her. She gasped, "Oh." Suddenly it all made sense, all of the recent fighting and Regina's unexplained rude behavior toward the few dates Emma took. All of the times she found herself looking at Regina and feeling warmth in the pit of her or sourness when she saw Regina with Abby. "Oh god," she gasped one hand falling to Regina's hip while the other autonomously tangled in the hair at the nape of Regina's neck. "Oh fuck." She cried in shock.
Emma had secretly thought that perhaps she had a crush on Abby, that would explain the ripe jealousy she felt when she saw them kiss but no, now it all seemed so obvious. How could she have missed this? How could she have been so unaware? What was wrong with her?
"Oh shit." She finally pulled her eyes to Regina's to see the deep coffee iris' blazing with victorious fire.
"I knew it wasn't just me." Regina's words were soft but in them Emma could hear parades and choruses singing joyous volumes. Emma wheezed a little and stumbled around her words before Regina kissed her again to silence her. Then Regina kissed her again and again. When they parted, it was only to race to Regina's car.
Emma gasped as Regina pressed her against the cold metal of the vehicle, her tongue slipping forcibly between Emma's lips. Regina's hands grasped her, pulling her hips into hers before her hands tentatively stroked up her stomach and found the small roundness of Emma's breast. Emma cried out, her eyes popping wide for just a moment before they closed again, blissfully. She whimpered as Regina found the soft flesh of her nipple through the silk of her dress and with a panted cry of affirmation, her hand closed on Regina's, holding it to her, massaging with her.
They fumbled their way into the car, bodies a foot apart in their seats, screaming at them to close the distance. Then, without a glance back on their friendship, the two fell blissfully into bed.
Emma rolled over and yawned, stretching in the glow of the late morning sunlight; her first thought of the day: This is what mornings in movies must feel like.
She burrowed her way under the blankets, softly biting Regina's naked side until she woke laughing throatily and trying to escape the thing tickling her.
Emma pulled herself up Regina's body until they were face to face and kissed her chin, "Hi."
Regina scrunched up her nose and covered her mouth with the sheet, "Good morning."
"What are you doing?" Emma asked with a sideways grin and pulled the sheet from her face.
"Hey! Don't you dare!" Regina cried and pulled the protective layer up again, "I have morning breath."
Emma laughed, tickling her again, "So? I have smelled your morning breath a thousand times before."
"Yes, but now it matters."
Emma rolled her eyes and kissed her deeply, her body stirring aggressively as her tongue flicked Regina's. She let her hands travel down to Regina's ribs relishing the feel of the soft skin under her palms and savoring that she had permission to touch her like this. She purposely let her hand slide down Regina's stomach and cup the soft bare skin of her sex; hungrily they moaned together.
Emma was happy in her newfound feelings. She was walking on air. There was nothing that could bring her down from the cloud she was floating on.
Life had clicked into place when Regina Mills had kissed her and now she knew without a doubt that she would be spending the rest of her life with this woman. It all made so much sense. It was divinely planned. Childhood friends, turned lovers, turned wives. Had she been more aware of things around her, perhaps she would have known this a long time ago.
She had told Regina she loved her the night before and sighing deeply and contentedly, Regina had told her she had never loved anyone else.
Emma rested her head on Regina's chest and they just sat for a while, rising and falling with their shared breath. Then Regina grinned wickedly and flipped them, pulling the sheet up off of their bodies, "I still can't believe I get to see you naked."
"You've seen me naked a hundred times." Emma sighed, unmoving, not wanting or needing to hide her naked body from her lover's feasting eyes.
"Yes, but now it matters and I've never seen you like this." Regina's voice grew rough and sultry as she gently closed her mouth over Emma's nipples. Emma shivered and pulled her longingly to her. Regina's intent had been only to tease but hearing Emma's sounds of pleasure her attentions became focused. She lessened her pressure, turning her stroking tongue into feather light brushes over the sensitive nipple.
Emma released a sound that went straight to Regina's core, commanding attention. Regina grinned, smug.
"Well, now you get to see it every day for the rest of your life. You're going to get sick of it."
"Indeed, I do but no, I can assure you, Emma that I will never grow sick of seeing this."
"What's that smile about?" Emma panted, knowing full well why the smile played on her new lover's lips.
Regina slowly cocked an eyebrow in answer and allowed Emma to pull herself up, scooting into a sitting position against the headboard. Regina crawled onto her knees and straddled her lap, pushing her skin happily into Emma's.
"You seem very proud of yourself, Gin."
Regina laughed, throatily, her head falling back as Emma's lips worked their way across her skin. "I am."
Emma slid her hands down her back and took two handfuls of Regina's heart shaped ass.
Regina moaned, blissfully and began to work diligently on Emma's body.
They made love twice before naked and cheerfully laughing, they made their way to the kitchen. Joking and teasing, they made a pot of coffee and drank it while sharing a morning cigarette, legs tossed over each other's in a heap on the kitchen floor.
Neither noticed how easy it all was. They just soaked in their bliss, contented smiles painted on their faces until Emma's phone rang, rudely interrupting them.
"Oh it's Ruby, you should get it." Regina read off the name and handed it to her.
"Where are you?"
"What?" Emma frowned, tangling her toes with Regina's in a game of footsies.
"Where are you? Are you on your way?"
"Oh, shit!" Emma yelped, turning to Regina. "With everything that's happened I completely forgot about brunch with Ruby."
Regina frowned, clearly not wanting to be that interrupted. A phone call was one thing but brunch with another person outside of these walls was another.
"What's happened? Who are you talking to? Is everything okay?" Ruby cried, instantly worried.
"Oh, uh," Emma chewed her lip. Was this something they would share? She shot a silently questioning look to Regina. Regina just shrugged, stretching out naked in the patch of sun on the kitchen floor like a sunbathing cat. A thrill ran through her at the sight of it and she wanted desperately to take her again, there on the kitchen floor. "Remember the wedding last night?"
"Yeah. Gin's cousin or something like that?"
"Right. Well, we kind of hooked up after that and have been together ever since."
"Wait...dude, you hooked up with the bride? Not cool."
"What? No! Regina!" Emma rolled her eyes.
"Dude!" Ruby cried into the phone so loudly that with a yelp Emma held the phone at arm's length, "Fuck! Finally! God, it's been exhausting waiting for you two to realize you're in love with one another. Fuck! Jesus!"
"What?" Regina asked. "Was she surprised?" Emma held the phone out to her so the continued swearing would blare in her direction.
"Are you like, girlfriends now? Are you guys getting married? Because you should."
"Um, yes and I don't know. We kind of, um, talked about it before we fell asleep."
Regina's face twitched, wondering what the hell Ruby could be saying to make Emma blush this way.
"Well shit. Get dressed and come meet me. We'll have a drink."
They were late. Emma hadn't been able to resist Regina's naked body there on the kitchen floor but eventually they were up, dressed and out the door.
The two walked hand in hand into the restaurant, luxuriating in the thrill of such a simple yet significant act.
There was no need to have the server find their table; Ruby's squeal of delight pointed them in the right direction.
"It's not as though you've never seen us hold hands before."
"No! This is different! It matters now!" Ruby swore again.
"You want to see something that will really knock your socks off?" Regina playfully gripped Emma's chin and kissed her intensely. One little flick of Regina's tongue and Emma knocked over her stool in an effort to press against Regina's body.
"Whoa." Ruby blinked mesmerized, "That was – hot."
Regina released Emma's lips but held her face for a moment longer watching Emma's eyes darken with desire. Smiling widely she winked and released her.
Emma blushed, embarrassed as she righted her stool.
"Damn, things are so going to change now." Ruby gaped.
But Regina just shrugged, studying the menu, "Doesn't have to. Emma and I were basically in a relationship before. Now it is simply official."
Emma giggled foolishly, entranced by those words. She could hear then repeated every day and never grow tired of them.
Her phone rang, snapping her out of her reverie.
"Who is it?"
"Hmm, I don't know. I don't recognize the number. Where's a 504 area code from?" She clicked the phone to silent and fell into the conversation again until the telltale beeps announced a voicemail.
She had to play the message twice to get all of the information and then once more simply because she didn't fucking believe it. "Oh my god."
"What?"
"Oh my god, guys!" Emma jumped to her feet because this was too big to sit through.
"What!"
She put her phone on speakerphone and played the message watching their faces with anticipation.
"Hi, this message is for Emma Nolan. This is Cole Pierce calling from Pace Magazine and Publishing, New Orleans. I am calling because we received your manuscript submission and we would like to go ahead and begin a discussion about moving forward with publishing. We also received your job application would like to speak to you regarding an open position in our office. If you could please return our call our number is –"
Emma's friends created a ruckus like nothing that had ever been seen in the small corner bistro before. They jumped and yelled, hooted and hollered around Emma, who was so astonished she wasn't sure she knew what to do next.
"You guys heard that, right? My head wasn't making it up? They said they wanted to publish my story and offered me a job?"
"Call them back!" Regina wailed shaking her and then kissing her for good measure.
"Now?"
"Yes now!" They shrieked in unison.
Emma excused herself, hands shaking and stepped just outside of the restaurant. She paced as she spoke to Cole Pierce fumbling a little more than she would have liked but thankfully he seemed to understand.
When she returned to her seat, she was shaking worse than before. She knew that she should be feeling joy, a joy like nothing she had felt before but instead dread rolled through her queasy stomach.
Ruby had been so right when she had prophetically said that things were going to change now.
"So?"
"They offered me a job and a publishing deal."
The ruckus rose again until their waiter asked them kindly but staunchly to stop it.
"Emma, you should be happy!" This time it was Ruby who shook her.
"I am but-" her sentence fell into nothing, but Regina understood, picking it up for her.
"You finally have a real job as a journalist as well as a publishing deal, but you need to move to New Orleans."
The table sobered.
"Yes. They offered me help with housing and a little bit of money toward moving expenses." Emma finally found the courage to look up into her best friends eyes and she saw her own worry and pain reflected there.
The meal was subdued then. They ate, lost in thought contemplating and then departed a little sadly knowing that life had taken one of its abrupt turns and now they could no longer see what lay ahead on the road they were on.
Back at Regina's apartment the two made love again and then lay together, the air heavy around them.
"I would have to leave everything." Emma finally said popping the bubble.
Regina softly caressed her arm, "I think that is how life is supposed to go, Em. We are meant to one day leave the nest."
"You say that as though I am still living at home."
"No," Regina's fingertips traced her cheek, "but even when we went away to college, we only went as far as Boston and came home right after."
Emma studied her face as she thought. She had just found something wonderful, could she really leave it behind? They would never get their chance if she did. How could she leave her mother? How could she leave Ruby? The memories of her father were here. She couldn't even imagine everyday life without Regina in it.
"Wait." Emma said sitting up. The heavy cloud that was pressing against them evaporating as she realized the answer was obvious.
Regina hated Storybrooke. She had always talked about working in a hospital in a much larger city. She had even considered Tulane for her Residency. This was perfect. Emma would miss her life in Maine, but she knew she could make it with Regina by her side. Ugh, she had been so silly for being sad even a moment. This was going to be amazing.
She lit a cigarette and bounced a little as she said, "Come with me."
"What?" Regina looked at her as if she had sprouted multiple heads.
"It makes so much sense. Come with me. Think about it, it's perfect. We could go together. We could have a life together. You could finish up the last four years of your Residency there and then get a job at a hospital while I write. You even considered Tulane before, remember? You told me their Residency program was amazing." Emma did her best sultry crawl into Regina's lap and softly sucked on her bottom lip. "We could get out of this town together. How great would that be?"
Regina blinked a few times, trying desperately to process Emma's rash request.
"Think about it, we could get a cute little apartment of our own and plant flowers outside. We could get a puppy and do our shopping on Saturdays at the local farmer's markets. During the holidays when it's cold we could cuddle under blankets together and watch White Christmas. I bet New Orleans will be a really fun place to live too. We can go to the Mardi Gras parade for the first few years and then we can bail because we'll be serious old ladies by then. Oh my god, it's going to be so much fun, Gin! I can't fucking wait!"
"Em, what are you talking about? I can't just go with you."
"What?" Emma's enthusiasm popped like a balloon. She had assumed that Regina would say yes. It made so much sense and besides, they had always said if one had to move or leave that the other one would follow.
"Em, I can't just pick up my life and go with you to Louisiana."
Emma leaned back so she could search her face. Seeing no trace of humor there at all she scrambled out of her lap, her brows furrowed.
Regina pulled her knees to her chest and took a deep breath, "Em, I want to be with you, but we can't just fly off together. That isn't life. I just began my Residency and I can't simply give that up. I've been down on the list for this program since undergrad. It's not that easy to get a spot, especially around here. Besides -" Regina's voice drifted off as though she wasn't sure she wanted to say what she was thinking.
Emma's happiness began to mold around the edges. She was beginning to smell a familiar scent; one she had always smelled just before she found herself out of another foster home. "Ginny, I'm sure we could make it work. Even if you had to come out later, I thought - you always wanted to get out of Storybrooke."
"I do, Em, but I made the choice to stay when I decided to do my Residency in Boston. Even if I hadn't Emma, how could you think I would just get up and follow you across the country? How can you think we are ready for this?"
"What do you mean?"
"We have only just begun our romantic relationship, Em."
"I guess I didn't even think about that because I didn't think it mattered. Gin, I have to go. I have to take it. Please. Come with me."
"Won't they publish your book either way?"
"I don't know. I guess so, but you know that I've always said I would have to be a journalist until I was getting published steadily enough to live off of that income. I could really use the job."
"Em, what you're asking entails a lot of risks. Can you imagine what my father would do if I just up and left?"
"No, listen Ginny." Emma took Regina by the hand and kissed it, "This is possible. Think about it. Even if we have to do a year or something long distance you could eventually join me there. Or we can make some other plan that works better for you. Also screw your dad."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know exactly I guess. Since when do you do things for the sake of your dad? I don't know. I didn't think about trying to convince you; I don't have anything prepared. I thought just asking would be enough."
"What the hell are you thinking, Emma?" Regina pulled her hands out of her grip and pushed her away, rising to dress. "Are you really as self-centered as this?"
To Emma's horror, the talk turned quickly from a hopeful plan to an angry fight. Regina's points were ones Emma hated, such as: How could you leave me? How could you expect me to go with you? How could you ignore the seriousness of my career choice? Emma insisted that she loved her and she was sure they would be happy in New Orleans, they could find a way and that the trip was perfect for them if Regina would only take a moment to think about it.
"What if we don't work out?" Regina asked loudly, her voice cracking from the tears she didn't try to hold back. "Yes, right now forever sounds like exactly what we both want but what if that does not happen? We lose our friendship, Emma! I will be another woman who moved across the country for a relationship! I will have lost everything!"
"Right now?" Emma felt like a pummeled punching bag inside. "What do you mean right now? Do you have plans to change your mind tomorrow, Regina?"
"Oh Em, you know what I mean."
"No, I don't! I really don't."
"I just mean life happens. We're so young. We have to be realistic. Is it worth losing our friendship because if I were to go out there with you and we failed that is exactly what would happen."
"As opposed to if we stayed in Storybrooke? If we stayed here does that mean a break up between us would be better? How can you talk about our fucking break up as though it's a for sure thing?"
"Look, I know that you come from this background of grand and romantic marriages, you've been living in it since you were nine. I know what your parents had to go through in order to be together and I know that they taught you to believe that fairytales do exist. But come on Em, we're so young. What are the odds that one of us won't make a mistake?"
"We're not that young, Regina."
"Emma, we both only just finished grad school. We're young. Also, do you realize how many hours will be piled on to my workweek as I progress? We are talking about eighteen hour days sometimes!"
They fought for an hour before Emma sat, pulling on her clothes and crying harshly. They had called one another names. Regina had accused Emma of developing abandonment issues especially since the death of her father, which was – deeply and painfully true. Emma had accused Regina of having no heart. They both were ripped open and bleeding.
Once she was dressed, she sat in a chair across the room from Regina and looked at her intently, "Ginny," Emma's voice cracked and broke, "I'm sure of us. I love you. I want you to come with me. Please. Don't say no."
Regina rubbed her face, "Em, I'm not as sure as you are. I don't think you're even as sure as you think you are,"
"Don't tell me how I'm feeling."
"It's not fair to put me in this position! I know you're the one, god Emma; you've always been the one. What I'm not sure of is how we could be together that seriously right now. I had assumed you would be here with me so we could take things easy over the next few years. I thought we had time."
"Then we'll go back to being just friends."
"Emma, I can't leave! I can't do that!"
"We have always said that if one had to leave the other would follow."
"We also promised never to step on cracks in the sidewalk for fear of our mothers backs, Emma."
Emma let her head fall back against the wall and cried; feeling as though her insides had been shoveled out of her. "So you know you want me enough to leave Abby and to say that you love me and want me forever but not enough to try to figure something out? That's all I'm asking, can't we try and see if we can figure something out? Isn't there some way, we could meet in the middle?"
How could the person she loved more than anything not know if she wanted her? Emma had loved her enough to know that answer even before they had realized they loved one another romantically. She couldn't see herself without her. Regina was her other half. She could see their future brightly before them in pinks and gold's filled with happiness and children and love. How could Ginny not see that?
"I didn't say we couldn't figure something out! I mean what about this job? You're asking me to give up my career, what about this job? Could you give up this job?" Regina snapped her fingers a bit and Emma habitually tossed her the pack of cigarettes and lighter.
"Honestly it's not even about that anymore. If it's not this, then there will be something else to split us up if this is your fucking attitude."
"It's not crazy that I can't do this!"
Emma felt betrayed. She was betrayed. Was there anyone better in the world for them than the other? They had always known there wasn't. Had there ever been a question that could be answered as simply as this?
"Can't or won't?"
"Both!"
"Ginny, I think I need to go."
"To New Orleans or back to your apartment?" She asked with wide eyes.
"I think I need to go home."
"No! Absolutely not, Emma. Sit down. We are not done here."
Emma gathered her things, ignoring Regina's cries and insistence that she needed to stay; then walked slowly across the apartment complex to her own apartment. Once inside she slipped out of her clothing and took a hot shower. She let herself cry out all the tears struggling to escape, dried them and swore there would be no more.
Regina was a thinker.
Regina didn't rush into anything.
She would change her mind.
All she had to do was wait.
When she emerged from the shower, she felt better, stronger on her legs. She began to wait for Regina's change of heart.
Only, it didn't come.
Every hour felt like torture the first day. Emma holed up in her apartment, chain smoking and only answering the phone to Ruby so she could explain. Ruby gasped in all of the right places and insisted that Regina would call that night.
But she didn't.
Emma fought with herself every second of the day. She wanted to call Regina or send her a text message, but she was giving her space, so she refrained - barely.
Finally the morning of the second day as Emma was sitting by her ashtray staring blankly at a book, her phone rang.
"Hey so," Regina sounded slightly out of breath as she always did when she was on her break at work, "I was thinking."
"Okay."
"I haven't heard from you and that worries me. I don't want all of this to kill our relationship."
"Okay."
"So I thought let's agree to not let it. We have to stay Ginny and Em, okay?"
Emma wasn't sure if she was insulted or simply angry. Okay, she could accept the fact that she had been wrong and Regina was not going to change her mind but how could she say let's still be friends? That's what this meant. Let's be friends. Did their newfound relationship mean nothing to her?
"Em, I can tell you're pissed but I have to go. I'm booked tomorrow but can we meet on Monday on the cliff and we'll talk? We need to talk."
"About saving our friendship?"
"About saving us; Ginny and Em!"
Emma threw her phone into the couch cushions the moment they hung up, swearing like a sailor. Regina wanted to be just friends. She didn't think she wanted to go back to being Regina's friend; she didn't think she could. This was bullshit. She kicked her couch – hard and let out a long wail. The tears that pricked in her eyes over her hurt toe turned into sobs of dejection and rejection. This was happening again. Another person had decided that there were better, brighter things available to them than her. How would she survive this again?
She cried alone in her bedroom for hours. She cried until she was sure there was nothing left in her to spill. She wished that the bridge between herself and Regina from friendship to relationship had never been crossed; perhaps then this wouldn't hurt quite so badly. God, what had she expected? She had never been good enough for anyone so how was it she had thought she could be good enough for the best person she knew?
What was she going to do now?
Regina wasn't choosing her. She would rather lose them forever than take the risk. Emma had been alone before Regina and now - she was alone again.
Memories flickered through her mind. One foster home after another. Her father cold is in casket. Regina's face as she said no.
A sudden rush of horror filled her tight lungs and she couldn't take a deep breath. She hitched again and again, her breath coming fast but never relieving the ache in her lungs. She had to choose. How could they not be together? They had gotten one another through everything. How could she do this without Regina by her side? Terrified she stumbled to her feet knocking her dining chair over. She rushed for the phone, huffing hard and beginning to feel just a bit dizzy.
She began to shake.
As soon as she picked up the phone, however, she realized she couldn't speak. She couldn't take a breath deep enough to speak. She couldn't speak! Her head began to swim, her skin itching in panic.
This only increased her terror. Her heart impossibly picked up even more speed, pounding relentlessly in her sore chest.
With a soundless cry, she dropped to her knees, trying to draw a deep breath. She was suffocating! Pain ripped through her head and chest and she fell forward onto her hands, shocked and frightened. Was she having a heart attack? Wasn't she too young for a heart attack? This was it. She was going to die! Fuck! This was a horrible way to go!
She tried to convince her ever-constricting lungs to let her breathe, but they refused, tightening their stranglehold on her. What was happening?
Her head spun and her living room furniture began to blur as she tried to catch her breath. She hiccupped roughly and everything swam into black.
When she woke again her entire body hurt. She was surprised as she watched her ceiling fan spin above her that she was all right. There had been a moment when Emma was sure that she was dying. How cliché would it have been? Emma Nolan: Died of a broken heart.
Now that her lungs had released her she understood. Panic attack. Regina hadn't chosen her and she had a panic attack. Pathetic.
She poured herself a glass of water and pulled her tired body into a chair. She spent only a few minutes online before her plane ticket was booked; then called her mother to inform her of her departure.
She considered calling Regina but decided against it. She had a new life to begin now and she would do it without looking back.
Mary held her for a while that night as she cried.
"I could drive you if you wanted." Mary offered, "That way you could bring more of your things with you."
"No, I already have my plane ticket and I have everything I need. The company is putting me up in a fully furnished place until I find my own. I'm good." Emma said coldly, frozen from the heart out.
Mary just nodded.
The following day Emma stood outside of Regina's apartment. She had knocked, but there was no answer. This was going to be her last attempt but Regina hadn't even been there. The hurt turned into angry pain, as she stood alone on the step. She dug through her pocket until she found an old receipt and a pen. Quickly and without much thought she scribbled a short note on it and shoved it through the mail slot. Seven words that said everything that Emma needed to or could have wanted:
"I guess I was wrong about you."
