Chapter 6: Will not or Can not
Soon the weeks when by and hime still stay away. Part of me hoped everyday she would show up; but I guess it was hopeless.
She never came. I guess I felt a bit depressed; it felt like I had just lost a family member.
But I didn't have time to feel depressed. I have a division to run! I kept on telling myself.
But sometimes…I would catch myself staring out the window in the 10th division office. What would I stare at? At nothingness really.
I was just staring…to stare I guess.
"Captain?" Matsumoto called to me normally when she found me staring. "What is it, Matsumoto?" I asked her not looking away from the window. "Well we should turn in the reports we filled out." She told me. "Yeah…I guess so." I whispered back to her.
I think partly she was worried about me; but at the same time she didn't know how to help me. But in truth I didn't know how to help myself.
"Where do we turn the reports in?" I asked her. "The first division…" She started saying.
That wasn't surprising.
"To…hime-chan." She finished saying.
"….."
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The soul society…she is the leader of it anyways.
"Captain…you can't avoid her forever." Matsumoto whispered to me. "I know that…" I told her.
But…I don't feel ready to see her again. No…I know I'm not ready to see her; but…I guess this is a time I must push my personal feelings aside.
I am a captain now of the 10th division; and all that work comes before my personal feelings.
"Matsumoto…" I whispered. "Hai, captain?" She asked. "Gather the finish reports together we will go turn them in." I told her.
"Hai, captain!"
Wishing and hoping cannot turn back time. What is done is done. I must move forward; that is all I can do now.
Slowly I got out of my chair as I turned away from the window. "Matsumoto have you gathered all the finished reports?" I asked her. "Hai, I have captain!" She stood before me holding papers in her hands.
"Good."
"Just follow me captain! I know the way to hime-chan's office like the back of my hand!" Matsumoto told me leading the way out of the office; I nodded following after her.
Turning in the reports would be the hardest part about this. Because I would have to face her then. And…truly I did not wish to do that.
I still did not truly understand why…she did it.
Was I in her way?
No…that couldn't be it. But she never did anything without a reason. So…she had to have a reason for her actions.
But what that reason was…I do not know.
And…I kinda want to know why. But it's not like I can just walk up to her and ask why?
Damnit…I sighed.
Before long we made it to the 1st division. Truly the 1st division is much larger than the 10th division but it's not surprising. I guess it just shows how importation the 1st division really is.
"Hime-chan has the East wing of the 1st division." Matsumoto told me pointing down a hallway. I only nodded to her in answer. "Her element guards normally help her with all the reports." Matsumoto when on telling me.
Hime's element guards are four shinigami who work right under her. Each one has a different element as they're zanpakutou. That how they got their name as the element guards.
I never met any of them so far. But they are always on missions for her or working in different divisions to help out.
"Have you ever met any of them?" I asked matsumoto. "Well I have only met two out of the four. Nabu who has the personal of the vice captain of 11th division. She's so cute! She has short blue hair and blue eyes. Her zanpakutou is water base from what I hear." Matsumoto told me.
Nabu…? What a weird name.
"Oh…yes! I met Nergal as well. She isn't very friendly. I don't know much about her. But I hear she works in the 4th division a lot. She has red hair and red eyes. I don't know what element she has…but if I had to guess I would have to say a fire base zanpakutou." Matsumoto told me.
Nabu and Nergal…Geez she sure has to pick people with weird names.
"So you never met the other two?"I asked. "No, I haven't. I have heard they're names, are Marduk and Istar. I don't know how they look or what elements they're zanpakutou have." Matsumoto told me.
So Nabu, Nergal, Marduk and Istar. I wonder how she picked the four of them.
Soon we stopped in front of a door. "This is hime-chan office." Matsumoto told me pointing to the door. "I see." I was about to knock on the door when I heard hime's voice. "Thank you for your reports, kira. Please, give my regards to your captain." Hime's voice said.
Someone was in there with her? I wondered.
"It sound like Kira is with hime-chan right now." Matsumoto told me. "Kira? Who is he?" I asked. "Kira Izuru, is the vice captain of the 3rd division; his captain is Ichimaru Gin." Matsumoto told me.
Ichimaru?! He was one of the shinigamis that tried to kill her!!
Was she really safe alone with his vice captain?!
I quickly took hold of the door handle. "Captain! You must wait." Matsumoto told me. "But…" I whispered.
"Hime-chan isn't in any danger. Kira wouldn't hurt her, trust me."
How was…Matsumoto so sure?!
I opened the door a bit to see a shinigami standing in front of hime. He had blonde hair. Was this shinigami Kira?
"Yeah, I will hime-sama. But again I apology for captain himself for not turning in the reports. It's just he has new shinigamis in the division. So I had to come in his place." Kira told hime. "It's fine. And I believe I told you that the last three times you have apologized to me." Hime sighed.
"Yeah…you did. But I know captain wasn't really being…" Kira started to say. "That's enough Kira!" Hime yelled.
"I do not want to hear you apology again. Do I make myself clear?"
"Hai, hime-sama."
She started to look the reports over. "They look very well done. As always keep up with your reports and other duties." Hime told him. "Hai! I will tell captain Ichimaru this, hime-sama!" Kira quickly bowed toward her.
She sighed, "You're always so formally!" She hooks her head a bit. "I'm sorry. Does it displease you?" Kira asked. "I was kidding. It's fine. I guess it better than having no matters at all." She said looking up toward Kira.
I felt my hand start to shake a bit watching the two of them.
"Hime-sama if I may talk out of line…a bit." Kira asked. "Hmm? I guess you may." She told him. "Have you been eating much lately? Because you look like you have lost some weight." Kira quickly said.
What? I wondered staring toward hime.
"I guess I have been eating a bit less lately…I just don't feel hungry lately." She shrugged like it was nothing.
Not feeling hungry…? But…
"Hime-sama…I do not know what has gotten you worried, but…" Kira placed his hand on top of her.
I felt myself glare toward him. What the hell did he think he was doing?!
"But, you are not alone here. Myself and all of the 13th protections divisions are here to help you in anyway; big or small. Please just remember that." Kira told her. She slowly smiled toward him. "Ah, I know that Kira. But thank you." Hime smiled at him.
"Ah, anytime hime-sama." Kira smiled back at her holding both of her hands now.
…that was it! I couldn't take it anymore!!
I quickly pulled my zanpakutou off my back glaring toward Kira. "Captain!" Matsumoto whispered. But I didn't hear her.
I was pissed. But why I was I did not know.
But seeing this man holding her hands just made me so angry!
I held my zanpakutou tightly as some ice quickly covered the back of Kira. He quickly let go of her hands falling forward. "Kira!" Hime yelled.
When I heard her voice; I quickly snapped out of it.
Why was I holding my zanpakutou? Why was Kira's back covered in ice?
Shit…what have I done?!
I quickly ran from the screen. "Captain!" matsumoto yelled to me. But I kept on running not looking back.
Why? Why did I just attack Kira?
What the hell is wrong with me? I wondered.
-- --
"Kira! What's wrong?" Hime asked the blonde shinigami. "I'm sorry, hime-sama. I just felt a sharp pain in my back." He told hime. "Don't move let me take a look alright?"
"H…Hai."
Hime quickly left her desk to help the shinigami. But to her surprise when she saw his back; she saw some Ice there.
Ice…? She wondered.
Slowly it disappeared from kira's back; She knew that Ice far too well.
It was that unbreakable Ice.
"Toushirou…?" She whispered to herself. "Hime-sama the pain gone now. But do you see anything?" Kira asked her.
"No, I do not." Hime lied.
"Ah, I see. Maybe I am just tired then." Kira slowly stood back up. "Maybe." Hime whispered as the door to the office opened.
The two of them turned to see matsumoto standing in the door frame. "Hime…" Matsumoto whispered to her. "Are you by yourself, Rangiku-san?" Hime asked her.
"Hai, I am."
"I see…" Hime slowly shook her head.
He had been there, she knew it.
It had been too late.
She had hoped to break ties with Toushirou before things when too far. But she saw now; she had been too late.
It was far too late; Toushirou had feelings for her and she truly knew it now.
"Kira if you would excuse us, please." Hime told the vice captain. "Of course. I should be returning to the 3rd division anyways. I will take my leave now, hime-sama." She nodded to him as he left her office closing the door behind him.
"I understand now, hime-chan." Matsumoto whispered to her. "I thought you would. But it appears I broke things off too late." Hime sighed returning to her desk and sitting down in her chair. "He was jealous of Kira touching my hands…wasn't he?" Hime asked the vice captain. "Hai! Very much so may I add." Matsumoto whispered.
She sighed.
"But it was kinda cute!"
"Cute? Before you didn't like him being too close to me. And now you think it cute that he was jealous?" Hime asked her friend. "Hai! But he's kinda…like you a lot. He been staring out the window a lot in the 10th division office." Matsumoto told hime. "So he's depressed?" Hime asked. "…hmm I guess a bit. But it looks like you had a bigger impact on him then you thought!" Matsumoto smiled.
"Why are you so happy about this? It isn't a good thing! It's bad!" Hime yelled. "Hmm…do you like him as well hime-chan?" Matsumoto asked.
"DO NOT change the subject! And me liking him or not liking him has nothing to do with it!" Hime quickly yelled as a light blush covered her face.
"Is that a yes?"
"Are you listening or not?! It doesn't matter if I like him or not!" Hime yelled.
"Don't you ever think it's unfair? That you cannot have happiness as well? Shouldn't you be…?" Matsumoto started to ask. "That the reason why I had to break things with him. Even with just friendship things could lead to trouble. I cannot give him what he wants no matter what." Hime coldly said.
"So…you want him to be in pain?" Matsumoto asked. "If that will keep him away and force him to move on then yes."Hime sighed.
"Matsumoto…you know as well as I do. I cannot love anyone." Hime told her. "Cannot and will not are two different things. Hime-chan please…I do not want to see captain in anymore pain or yourself. Please just think about…!" Matsumoto started to say.
"There is nothing to think about. Please, turn in your reports and leave."
"But!"
"There is nothing more to talk about Matsumoto. This subject is closed." Hime quickly said turning around in her chair.
"Hai…hime-chan." Matsumoto placed the reports on her desk; then left the office without saying another word.
"Idiot…Toushirou you have nothing to be jealous of…" Hime whispered to herself as she stared out the window.
--
"Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!!" I yelled at myself before stopping in the middle of the forest. I can't believe I acted the way I did. I had been a jealous idiot.
Soon I stopped beside a tree.
I understood now why hime did what she did. Why she had tried to distance herself from me.
But it was too late; after feeling jealous watching kira I knew it. I have feelings for her.
DAMNIT!
Of all the people in the soul society to like…why? Why did I have to like her?!
WHY?!
I cannot act on these feelings; I cannot do anything with these feelings. The only thing I can do is to try to ignore them and push them aside.
I don't even need to think about it. I know there is no future for her and I to be together.
What I feel for her is hopeless. It could never happen; it could never be.
"Damnit…why did this have to happen?" I asked myself as I heard something. I quickly looked to my left. I couldn't believe it! Of all places to be. I was by yggdrasil.
Damnit…and she was there as well; under Yggdrasil.
I couldn't help but watch her. I told myself to turn away. But…I could not.
I wanted to watch her. I wanted to be near her.
This is so hopeless…I told myself.
Damn, this heart.
I will never find happiness wishing to be with her; I know this far too well.
But…part of me didn't care; part of me wishes to be with her anyways.
And I know it's stupid; I know it's foolish to feel this way but…I can't help it.
But my heart will not let me move on.
I'm an idiot because I fell for the wert person I could have; I felt for the spirit him of the soul society.
Damnit…I'm an idiot.
Soon she finished dispatching the souls and she left the world tree. But I still stood there staring toward the world tree. "Sara…" I whispered to myself.
It's hopeless…I told myself again as I slowly headed back to the 10th division.
I don't know what to do with myself. Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I wondered as I opened the door to the 10th division office.
"Captain! You're back!" Matsumoto greeted me. I didn't look up at her. "Yeah…" I whispered quickly heading for my desk. "Where have you been?" Matsumoto asked me as I sat down in my chair. "Thinking…" I told her as I turned to look out the window.
"Captain…about hime-chan…" Matsumoto started to say. "What about her?" I asked with a sigh. "I turned in the reports to her." She told me.
"Okay…"
"Do you care for, her?"
"……."
It didn't matter if I did or didn't. It wouldn't change anything.
"Well do you captain?" Matsumoto asked again.
"It doesn't matter." I told her. "What do you mean it doesn't matter?! Of course it does because…!" Matsumoto started to say. "It doesn't matter how I feel toward her! She wants nothing to do with me! So my feelings mean nothing here, got it?!" I yelled at her.
"Captain…"
"And this subject is close. I will not talk about it again or hear about it understood?!" I yelled again.
"Hai."
Sara…I cannot ignore these feelings and I cannot push them aside. This is just something I cannot do.
I cannot move on; I cannot forget the way I feel toward you.
I know I will never find happiness as long as I have these feelings; but I do not care.
I wish to be with you but if I cannot…I will do everything in my power to help you as much as I can. So this way…I can still be by your side.
AN: bittersweet? That what I call this chapter. I really wanted to do a bittersweet chapter like this. The story should pick up after this chapter really. But I really did like the little bit of kiraxhime I did. You never really see much of kira in bleach or story for some reason. So I wanted to give him a bit part.
