Chapter Seven: When Darkness is Upon Your Door
Bella POV
A week had passed since Jasper's, fathers funeral and he was returning to school the next day. Something about him changed after his father's death, but unlike most people, he changed for the better. My father was still 'forbidding' me to see him or have anything to dow with Jasper, but he needed somebody and didn't know anybody else in town. I wasn't just going to abandon him.
Most of the times I was with him, we spent in silence. He wasn't a talked to begin with and after his father was killed, he never had anything to say. But he had his breakdowns. I can't even recall how many hours I sat with him, rubbing his back listening to him cry for his father. He told me his father was one of the two people who still believed in him and he felt terrible; saying he knew his father died with the vision of Jasper being a disappointment.
I'd never seen him so vulnerable before. He seemed like the kind of guy who'd bottle everything up until it was too late. I was glad to see that I was wrong, and he was talking to somebody.
I pulled into the school parking lot, late since Alice took longer than usual and was surprised not to see Jasper's car in the parking lot. It wasn't in the driveway when we left our house, and Rosalie wasn't home when Alice called her, asking if she needed a ride. We ran inside and made it inside as the bell rang. As the day went by, and Jasper was still a no show, I became worried. He was under tight watch by his mother since he'd been arrested and I was sure she'd sent both of them back to school today.
"Rosalie!" I called as I saw her waiting by the curb when school ended. She turned around, looking scarred.
"Bella! Is Jasper here?" She asked, trying to keep calm. "He's supposed to pick me up and he isn't answering his phone."
"Why wasn't he in school, Rosalie?"
"He dropped me off, went to homeroom and marked himself here and left. I don't know where he is."
"Come on, I'll drive you home." I said, trying to remain calm. Him and Rosalie grew closer and he became more protective of her over the weeks following Carlisle's death, and for him not to be here to pick her up scarred me. I pulled into the driveway where his car was sitting, and told Rosalie to go with Alice to our house. I ran inside, not even bothering to knock and raced upstairs.
"Jasper? Jasper!" I called over and over again and I ran up the stairs. I checked his room; empty. I ran through the house, checking each room until I came to the closed bathroom door. I turned the knob, but it was locked and I was unable to get in. I grew up in a home with a cop as a father, I knew how to break down a door. Once the door was opened, my heart stopped. The mirror was smashed into a hundred pieces, and blood was tricking down the mirror, sink. I turned my head and almost screamed at Jaspers bloody, limp body.
His head had a huge gash on it, and there was an empty bottle of something in his hand. I dug my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed 911 as I knelt down beside him, taking the empty bottle out of his hand.
Carlisle Cullen
Percocet
Refilled: 12/18/11
My breathing became more heavy when I saw that he had it refilled today, in order to do this.
"911 what's your emergency?" The operater asked, startling me.
"The kid next door to me...I think he ODed on his father's percocet. It was just refilled today and the bottle is empty and," I began to say before looking to the other side of him to find empty bottles of alcohol, tylenol, ibuprofen, and an empty plastic bag which I assumed to be any other pills he had. "And a lot of other stuff. And he has a giant gash on his head. Please...please help me." I sobbed into the phone.
"Okay, miss. Tell me the address and I'll send someone out immediately."
"1461 Grady Street. Please hurry." I cried before dropping my phone. I found a towel and gently slid it under his head, trying to prop him up. I then found a washcloth to try and get the bleeding in his head to stop. But before I could do anything else, I heard the front door open and close, then footsteps coming up the stairs.
"Jasper!" His mother called. This was bad, she'd been through enough, she didn't need to see him like this. "Honey! Where are you?" She called before she came into view. She let out a scream before running over to us. "Bella, what happened?"
"I don't know. He ditched school today and I found him in here like this. I called 911." I said, tears flowing out of my eyes. I looked around and saw a piece of paper taped to the wall near the vanity. I stood up, and picked it up.
Dear Whoever,
I hate myself and I hate living. I think that if someone who knows me reads this they will know who I am. I am an asshole. I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will never change or never improve. I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her.
I have come to believe that my life has all been meaningless. I keep trying and I keep failing. I have thought about and attempted suicide many times in the past. I used to think of my failure as some mystical way of telling me that I was really meant for something meaningful. The only thing I dread, besides the pain, is the way my family will suffer. I do not want my mom or sister to think that it was anything they did that lead me to kill myself. I never really had any plans of leaving a note. I thought that I would not be able to describe why I want to do this and I am right. There is no way to tell you or anyone else why I dread every new day. My dad had such high expectations for me and tried to give me every opportunity to improve upon myself. I let him down.
I want my life to end. I am tired of fucking up everything. I am tired of people always telling me that they do not like me. I am tired of trying to be decent. I hope that someone finds this post and I hope that my parents know that I fucked up not them. It is my fault I screwed up my own life.
The hate that rages within me, rages not for those I love so dearly or those who have crossed my path. This hate rages full force towards me and only me.
I have long forgiven those who've hurt me, but I have not and cannot come to terms to forgive myself for the things I have done to myself, and the things I've done to hurt those in my life. You have all touched my life in one way or another, especially those whom I call family.
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for ending my life the way I did. I hope that you can all find it in your heart to see it as way for me not suffering anymore and that I am finally at rest with myself, for being at rest with the guilt that constantly ate at me for so long.
Please forgive me all for taking my own life so early. I tried so hard to fight against this strong battle. I have reached out for help so many times, and yet I believe, I was turned away because of the things I did, that it is a punishment I am willing to take, for I know that being who I am has only brought myself and others pain.
I love you all and will forever live within the memories we created.
Forgive me.
-Jasper
I clasped my hand to my mouth before falling to my knees. He'd been planning this since before his father's death. I barely heard the sirens over my sobs, mixed with Esme's. The EMT's burst through the door, shoving the two of us to the side. Esme gripped me tightly as we watched them rip his shirt, and putting the paddles to his chest.
"Clear!" One of them yelled as Jasper got zapped. They continued doing this as another EMT attached an oxygen mask to his face. They lifted him onto the gurney and raced out of the house into the ambulance. Esme got into her car and sped off and I was left with the job of telling Rosalie and getting her to the hospital. I tried calming down before going inside, but the horrific scene I'd just witnessed, played in my mind over and over again and I found myself lying in front of the door, crying.
"Bella? Sweetie?" I heard my mother ask as she wiped the hair out of my face. But I couldn't move, my legs were frozen and my body felt cold. I could feel my heartbeat slowing down with every second that went by. "Charlie!" My mother called as she began shaking me. Before I heard my father's footsteps, everything went black.
I woke up in an unfamiliar room, beeping everywhere and the sounds of shoes pacing around the room. I looked up and saw my mother sitting in the chair beside me, my father pacing the room, and Alice laying on the couch, looking scarred.
"Mom?" I asked, blinking my eyes a few times.
"Bella. Thank goodness you're okay." She said, standing up and kissing the top of my head. My father had stopped pacing and came over to me as Alice sat up on the couch.
"What happened?" I asked as Alice came to my side.
"The doctor's said you went into shock." My father explained as he took my hand in his.
"I can imagine why, though. With what we found in your hands. I can't even imagine how horrific that was for you, sweetie." My mother said to me and I starred in confusion. What had been in my hands? And then it dawned on me that I hadn't given Jasper's letter to Esme and then the vision of what had happened came back into my head.
"Jasper!" I yelled, trying to sit up, but my father had held me down. "I have to see him! I have to know he's okay!" I argued as I tried to break free.
"Honey! No! No one is allowed to see him right now." He said as gently as he could.
"No!" I yelled over and over until my body grew tired of fighting. "Do you know anything?" I finally asked once I had calmed down.
"No, honey. Esme doesn't even know. She only know's that he hasn't woken up yet though." My mother answered, fighting off her own tears. "The doctor's say he had a lot of drugs and alcohol in his system and they don't know how long he went without oxygen."
"Is he in a coma?"
"Yeah, sweetie. He is. And they don't know if he's wake up or not." My dad said before I burst into tears again. How could I not have seen this coming? I was the only person he talked to other than his family. I was the one who stayed up with him until four in the morning as he tried to fall asleep.
"I should have done something."
"What could you have done, though?" Alice finally spoke up.
"I was with him all the time," I began before I saw a flash of anger from my father. I wasn't supposed to be seeing him, but my mother held him back and he didn't yell. "I should have seen how depressed he was."
"There was no way for you to know, Bella. Don't go blaming this on yourself." My mother tried, but it wouldn't work.
"He's in a coma because of me." I sobbed.
"Isabella Marie Swan. Do NOT say that!" My father said sternly. "There was no way for any of us to know. His own mother and sister didn't see it coming, how could you?"
"Because he told me things he'd never told anyone else. I should have seen how depressed he was before his father died...it only got worse when Carlisle died." I sobbed. "It's my fault. All my fault." I cried. No one argued with me that time. They knew I was wrong, but also knew I couldn't be argued with at this point. I cried myself to sleep and woke up hours later to a dark room. My mother was in the chair next to my bed asleep, while Alice's head lay on my father's lap on the couch on the other side of the room.
I quietly slipped out of bed and out of the room. I had to see Jasper and I was determined to find him. I found a hospital map and found the ICU and assumed he was there. I found the doors and quietly followed a doctor inside before the doors closed and locked. I carefully looked through all the rooms before finally finding his at the end of the row of beds. I pulled a chair up and grabbed his hand.
Tears streamed down my cheek as I saw him lying there, lifeless and hopelessly. I never thought I'd ever see him like this; helpless. He's always been one to overcome what was thrown his way. I gripped his hand tighter and brought it to my lips, gently kissing it.
"Jasper." I whispered, stroking his hand with my thumb before thinking back to how lowly he actually thought of himself with what he wrote in his letter. And then began thinking of the beginning.
I hate myself and I hate living. I think that if someone who knows me reads this they will know who I am. I am an asshole. I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will never change or never improve. I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her.
I never knew how much pain he was in until right at that moment. 'I hate myself and I hate living.' I cried even harder for him. And then I began to feel jealous. 'I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her.' Who was this girl he was in love with? He was never with anybody else besides...me. And I cried even harder. Was I the girl he was in love with? It didn't make sense.
I awoke with a gentle shaking and it took a few seconds to realize where I was. I had fallen asleep by Jasper's side, holding his hand and on top of his stomach. I looked up to see a doctor, looking conserned for me rather than angry.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, standing up.
"It's alright. Who are you?" He asked, helping me standing up.
"His neighbor. I found him." I cried, looking down at him. "Is he going to be okay?"
"It's hard to say. We've pumped his stomach and done everything we can. I guess it's up to God right now." He said, looking sad. He led me out of the ICU and back into my room where I was met with hugs and scoldings for leaving my room.
I was discharged from the hospital the next day and was forced to leave Jasper. I was thankful when I got the call from Esme, saying he had been moved out of ICU and into a room and I was able to see him a short period of time. I gave them their space with their son and retreated to my computer where my picture's were stored. I clicked on the album 'Outings' and scrolled through until I found the right pictures. They were pictures of the cookout our families had together when they first moved in. After I had all the ones I needed, I continued finding pictures until the album was full. I found a gift bag and gently placed it inside before getting in my truck and driving to the hospital.
"Hi, Bella." Esme greeted with a tight hug. She told me she'd forever be grateful for breaking down the bathroom door and calling 911, even if the worse happened.
"This is for you." I said, weakly smiling as I handed her the bag. She burst into tears when she saw the front picture. The four of them hugging each other as Carlisle was leaving for oversea. "I know, most of them are creepy it's just that..." I didn't have a chance to finish before her arms were tightly wrapped around my neck.
"Thank you. So much. Rosalie, come on. Let's go get something to eat and leave Bella and Jasper be." She said before leaving. I sat down in the chair Rosalie had emptied and gripped his hand. I began crying again. He couldn't go. He just couldn't. There was so much I didn't get to tell him, so much we didn't get to do together. It saddened me that our time might be cut short because of this.
"Jasper. Please. Don't...don't leave. You are worth so much more than you think. You are so important to so many people. Don't leave. Don't leave me." I sobbed as I let my head fall to the bed beside his arm to cry. I felt a strong force on the hand being held by his and looked up to see him moving around. The grip he had on my hand tightened as his eyes opened.
"Jasper?" I whispered as his head slowly turned to meet my gaze. "You're alive." I said, tears streaming down my face and my breathing heavy.
